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Making friends as an adult - Page 2

post #21 of 57
I made a great friend at DD's pre school who has the same kind of ideas about stuff as i do. Another place I made a friend at is the yoga studio I attend. Also, one at work who I can really call and talk to anytime.
post #22 of 57
Mostly through mutual interest groups, like internet mailing lists or local meetings. My 3 best adulthood friends all keep the same breed of dog that I do, that I have shown/raised for over 20 years One I met on the internet when rehoming a dog (she got her), one I met at a sheep show (we'd heard about each other through a mutual friend, who raised the same rare breed of sheep - we'd bought ours from her - who I'd discovered, via internet, to live only a few miles away - the dogs are sheep guards, hence the connection), & the 3rd was a neighbor who had similar interests, ended up buying a dog from me, later co-owning another dog from me, & we helped out with each others' litters.

I also have a few more casual friends that I met through spinners/knitters groups - that I found out about via internet, but take place locally, and some friends I met at the local dog training club.
post #23 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tradd View Post
You just can't show up, you have to make some effort.
So OP, I see you're involved in some groups and have people to chat with. But I think that in order to move from acquaintance to friendship, you have to go further. Have you tried calling any of the other moms on the phone? Have you invited anyone to your home for a playdate or a family dinner? Have you tried to organize a mom's night out?

I know it can be hard to go outside of your comfort zone. I've always considered myself to be an introvert. But then I realized that I wanted friends so I'd need to pursue the friendships. So I make it a point to invite people out. If they say yes, GREAT! And if it doesn't work out, I don't let myself get upset about it.
post #24 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuburbanHippie View Post
The internet!
I do not think I have met many people as an adult that I can call a friend who I did not meet through the internet.

Including my husband!

One good thing is, because I am now a military spouse... I will likely be moving a LOT over the next 12/13 years or so... but I know a lot of people near each of the bases we could be stationed at to hang out with IRL.

Down here, in NC, I have two, one who is close enough to visit with several times a week (shes only about 15 minutes away... and was actually looking at getting the house we eventually got before we did!) and the other is close enough for a nice visit every couple months (about 45 minutes away)
post #25 of 57
You could try inviting those people you're meeting to something. Coffee, park with the kids, etc. I know it probably isn't easy & you'd have to gauge the individual person to see how they'd respond. Since you just moved, you could ask about local sites/interesting places & then when they suggest something ask them if they'd like to join you. If you're feeling really daring, you could host a housewarming party for yourself (not for the gifts - maybe call it something else) & invite people to your house.

I also find it hard to make new friends. I have a hard time following my own advice. I think it's harder as adults b/c we're all in different places in our lives. Some people already have enough friends, some are lonely. But, you can't tell that just by looking!
post #26 of 57
Hmm. Post-uni, I can only think of a couple of friends I've made, and only one I'd call semi-close (as in, we think on similar wavelengths about a lot of things and enjoy each others' company). The others are more friendly acquaintance, occasional playdate, don't discuss certain topics friends. All through my quite small church.

However, post-uni I've rekindled a lot of friendships with people I only slightly knew at work or uni years ago. So they're new "friends", but not "new" friends, you know? Two of my closest friends are from my old job, working at the movies - one also went to uni with me. We were friendly at work, but now we have a weekly singing group at my house, watch movies together and go together to the few shows my city ever has. I'm not really a super-best-friendy, Sex In The City BFF-type person; I doubt I'll ever be a bridesmaid, and if I ever feel the need to weep on someone's shoulder it's DH's, not a female friend's... but these two girls are pretty cool and we get along really well. I can see us being there for each other if one of us got cancer or something, you know? (Morbid much...)

So yeah, if there's someone you liked pretty well from way back, but didn't get close to because you were in different life circumstances, too busy or whatever, you could try to reconnect. In some ways it's easier than starting from scratch.

ETA: I'm now also quite close with DH's two best guy friends, one of whom is actually living with us at the moment. We have a fortnightly poker game. They're all single, love my cooking and enjoy DD, so it's cool. They and my two girl friends are geeky, which helps - I have a hard time being friends with non-geeky people. Even if we really like each other, we tend to run out of things to say. I reconnected with one friend at another's wedding because we were both pregnant - we got along really well during our pregnancies and birth, but once the immediacy of child-having was gone, we really didn't have much to talk about. Which is fine, but not terribly lasting, you know? Sometimes "nice" just isn't enough to sustain a friendship!
post #27 of 57
Before I had a child, I made most of my friends by belonging to an 'interest' group. Or by going to events that had that same interest as the focus.

I'd occasionally make friends with someone if kept going to the same cafe all the time. You get to know some of the regulars. You'd chat and it could sometimes lead to a friendship.

After having a child, I've made most of my friends through local 'real life' groups. One is town related, the other is Mom related. Both of those groups have events and I would meet other moms through that.

I did make one new friend by posting on the tribe group here! She had just moved to my area and we got together. We became instant friends.
post #28 of 57
It's hard making friends. I think because you aren't thrust together with the same large group of people all the time so there is lots of time to make friends, and people to make friends with.

I have three pretty good friends now and a few others who I'm making friends with/friends with but spend less time with. Honestly though, I don't spend that much time with any of my friends. No weekly coffee dates or anything (ha, a coffee date. like coffeeshops are affordable at the moment.) I see one friend most weeks at synogogue, but we don't always get a chance to talk, sometimes we do sometimes we don't. Another friend, I see her when we go dancing monday nights. It's not that we go dancing together, we go dancing at the same place, and always spend part of the evening catching up, but mostly dancing. (often we'll catch up after the dancing is over for a little while).

I made most (well, really all) of three close friends through work. (where I started out volunteering and then working). One of them is actually the wife of a former co-worker, who I then ran into at synogogue. I think I started out by getting to know them in the public sphere and then just taking the jump. Inviting them to do something. With one friend, we cooked bagels together the first time we got together outside of work. Another, I asked to come see her baby chicks. Another invited me for shabbat dinner. I try to keep in mind that most people have a hard time making friends as adults and are happy to make friends and be invited to do things. And I have courage to keep doing the inviting even if they are crazy busy and don't get back to me much and don't invite me as often as I invite them. (not always the case but sometimes). I'd say outside of dancing/synogogue/work (I don't see any of them daily at work, but sometimes they pop by for a few minutes for various things and I say hi) I see one of the three... 1-2 times a month? plus I visit with another friend maybe every few months.

I'd like to see them more often, but it's hard, we're busy. (and one friend has literally the opposite work schedule of mine. like, if our work is open, if I'm not working, she is, as we're the two primary people who do our job. 6 days a week, one of us is working). I'm still learning. I'm going to try to make last minute plans more, since the friend I visited today said she is usually home in the evenings and loves to have people drop by.

Also, don't limit yourself to your age folks. all of my friends are older than me. Most are... 5-10 years? 5-15 years older? A few are 40+ years older than me. and yeah, going to synagogue is a great place to meet people.
post #29 of 57
I seem to the type of person that tons of folks like to know but still never gets invited to anything. It's really hard. I moved away from a city I finally had a few friends in to marry and live with my army husband and have struggled with the isolation for years now.
Without kids when most folks I know are having them makes me miss my kidless friends in SF even more.
Now we are finally having kids in Jan we are moving again. I don't like were I live in the middle of nowhere but at least here I am two hours away from some eery close friends of the past that I was so looking forward to rebounding with now that I would have kids too.
Instead we are moving across the in tire country, to a city that seems fun to live in, I really miss a city, but away from everyone I even remotely know. I feel like I'm going to be so isolated with twin newborns and a winter on the east coast.

It only makes it harder because hubby seems fine with only hanging out with me, he'll I had to kick him out of the house this weekend so he would spend the weekend with his best friend before we move.


So basically I have no idea how to meet folks, I seem outgoing so they never consider that I am shy and could use a hand.
Sorry I'm rambling. (and crying now) this is a huge issue for me right now
post #30 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by •Adorkable• View Post
So basically I have no idea how to meet folks, I seem outgoing so they never consider that I am shy and could use a hand.
Sorry I'm rambling. (and crying now) this is a huge issue for me right now


Have you posted in the local (area you are moving to) tribe on here?
It could be the start of something fabulous!
post #31 of 57
I wish I knew! Before we moved, I had a great circle of awesome friends that I met through the very active babywearing group.

But now I'm in Georgia and there's definitely not that same community. And I haven't had any luck, really meeting anyone. I have one neighbor with kids, but there's been some friction there. And DH has tried to get me to be 'friends' with some of his female co-workers, but aside from them having kids, we don't have anything in common. They don't parent anything like I do, in fact, I often have pretty significant issues with how they parent(not just basic disagreements, but real feelings that they're doing a very poor job). And we don't have anything in common otherwise, no shared interests.

It's hard!
post #32 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by •Adorkable• View Post
I seem to the type of person that tons of folks like to know but still never gets invited to anything. It's really hard. I moved away from a city I finally had a few friends in to marry and live with my army husband and have struggled with the isolation for years now.
Without kids when most folks I know are having them makes me miss my kidless friends in SF even more.
Now we are finally having kids in Jan we are moving again. I don't like were I live in the middle of nowhere but at least here I am two hours away from some eery close friends of the past that I was so looking forward to rebounding with now that I would have kids too.
Instead we are moving across the in tire country, to a city that seems fun to live in, I really miss a city, but away from everyone I even remotely know. I feel like I'm going to be so isolated with twin newborns and a winter on the east coast.

It only makes it harder because hubby seems fine with only hanging out with me, he'll I had to kick him out of the house this weekend so he would spend the weekend with his best friend before we move.

So basically I have no idea how to meet folks, I seem outgoing so they never consider that I am shy and could use a hand.
Sorry I'm rambling. (and crying now) this is a huge issue for me right now
I'm sorry you're feeling sad, but I'm going to be blunt here. In a way, it's like dating, you can't rely on the person you have an interest in to do all the work and be a mind reader. You have to show you're interested in the other person. Maybe you don't invite someone over for a big dinner party, but you ask them over for coffee & dessert (or go to a coffee shop). You go to the park for a picnic with your kids. You get the idea. If doing the asking in person makes you nervous, try via email, etc. But do it!
post #33 of 57
A few specific places on the internets (here being one of them), networking through other friends, kids activities, work (past coworkers, I don't work anymore). Plus old friends from school, but I have the benefit of never having moved very far.
post #34 of 57
i moved to the other side of the planet.

the biggest hang up here is simply being *busy*. everyone is busy, including me. it's freakin' insane how busy i am.

and seriously, i *want* friendships with people and i really *like* a lot of the people whom i met (and we are becoming friends). i just wish i *could* do more cool things with them.

it's just i'm so busy!

i do go to play dates, but i owe a friend one for sure. i should bake her a cake, that's how much i owe her one! (that's you, my mdc friend in the northern burbs!) but like, i can't even get my head around trying to do it.

i need to just do it. put it in the ICal and do it.

bad me!
post #35 of 57
I've made most of my friends through my kids...usually through the homeschool group. With kids, I find it very easily to make plans (as in hey, let's get the kids together for a playdate, and meet at x park/x time), or We'll be going X place on X time, want to join us?

All of my friends have kids, and the few that don't I made in college (and am still friends with).
post #36 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tradd View Post
I'm sorry you're feeling sad, but I'm going to be blunt here. In a way, it's like dating, you can't rely on the person you have an interest in to do all the work and be a mind reader. You have to show you're interested in the other person. Maybe you don't invite someone over for a big dinner party, but you ask them over for coffee & dessert (or go to a coffee shop). You go to the park for a picnic with your kids. You get the idea. If doing the asking in person makes you nervous, try via email, etc. But do it!
maybe it will be easier when i have kids, but right now that problem is not that i dont take the first step, but that i am not often in a place were i even meet new folks. i have been my FRG leader (army families support group) and hoped that would help, but i have a very unsociable unit, the few i suggested to that we have coffee, never got back to me. And the school i go to in over an hour away so beside the occasion lunch with them i dont usually see them. In the new town i wont even have school.
When i get to my new town i am going to join the moms of multiples group since my twins will be born in Jan and will join and volunteer for whatever military family groups are at the new unit. I am sure going to do my best that its not a lack of reaching out on my part!
post #37 of 57
Through local NFL type organizations. And through MDC - really! I met several IRL friends through MDC!
post #38 of 57
Thread Starter 
When I originally posted this, I thought that it would get maybe one or two responses. I had no idea this was such a commonplace issue.

So, please know, everyone, I'm thankful to you for writing, and I'm also so sorry if you're having the same problem. (((hugs)))
post #39 of 57
I wish I knew... I don't really have any friends my age either. I have some choir friends (who are all at least 35 years older than I am) who I go out for coffee with after choir practice... When I think back to how I made THOSE friends, I think the first time I really connected with them was when I revealed to them my inner termoil and had an emotional break-down about something that the choir director had said to me at practice.

Since that day they started inviting me out for coffee after choir practice on Monday nights. The conversations around the coffee table on most nights usually revert to aches & pains, hospital visits, who's sick, who's dying, etc. That aspect is not really fun for me at times, but then there are other times when one or all of us have an emotional moment talking about what's going on in our lives and it can be healing to discuss the challenges and still feel safe talking about it with friends. There are times when I realize that even at 70+ years old, they are still struggling with some of the same issues of insecurities that I struggle with, and it reminds me that I don't need to have everything all perfect and worked out in my life. I have lots of time to figure it out.

After typing this out, I realized, I should call up one of them who's a real-estate agent. I'm sure she'll want to learn about my Aunt who's about to sell her house

It's not easy making friends. I've struggled with it all my life. Its very lonely, not having anyone to talk to That's part of the reason why I come on here when I need to just let something out and talk about it with others who I know have BTDT...
post #40 of 57
I also wanted to add (because I've just thought of this)...

I never learned this skill until I was into my 30's, but I've also noticed that to make friends, you have to genuinely show interest in what they have to say and to let them talk and carry the conversations. It's better to show the other person that you think they are the most fascinating person in the world than to try to be the most fascinating person in the world, ya know?

For me, I gravitate towards finding people who like to talk, because I am usually very quiet. So if I can find someone who's willing to talk a lot, that's usually a good fit for me. If I try to connect with someone who's also shy, then it doesn't really go anywhere because there's this uncomfortable silence between us. So I guess you also have to find people who's personalities complement your own, kwim?

Good luck
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