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Making friends as an adult - Page 3

post #41 of 57
I have a few friends I've made at work over the years and we've stayed friends even after I left the job. Some of them live a few hours a way, but we make an effort to maintain the friendship through phone calls, e-mail. At my current job, I have one friend, she is 15 years older then me, her kids are in college, and is the political opposite of me, but she's an absolute blast to hang out with.

Most of my other friends are by chance. My next door neighbor and I just it off and our kids are really good friends. One friend I met at a play group, another one I met while waiting outside my kids's social skills class. One of my best friends I met through a homeschooling group.

I've lost two friends over the past few years, as I was dropped, and that has never happened to me before. One was because she and her husband joined a church that discourage outside influences. The other one was my best friend at the time, we saw each other 2-3 times a week and talked every day. When she fell in love with her new boss, she left her husband, kids, and everyone else behind. I realize she's not the person I thought she was. I've had friends drift away, but I haven't been dropped since high school.
post #42 of 57
I don't think I've had a close female friend in over a decade. I've had a male friend who lives out of state. We've never met in person. We met online. I've known him for almost 10 years now.

To be honest, it would be nice to have a female friend who is in the same boat as me. I met a couple of stay-at-home homeschooling moms who were great. But a lot of times they couldn't realize that I couldn't go and do something at 9 am. I had to go work to support my kids. Or I couldn't spend a lot of money on out to eat or running around all the time. I always felt out of place with them even though they were nice.

I lost a friend I had had since the 5th grade. She was someone who enjoyed throwing money and objects (nice cars, clothes, trips) up in my face. Then she married a man and got really religious. So that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Sometimes I think about her. It's amazing how people can change.

I was really close to my cousins for many years. Even though my dad had been a drinker until the last few years of his life, I very seldom drink at all. Actually don't like to be around it. A lot of my cousins (who's parents didn't drink) turned to drinking, clubs, partying, etc. I have a cousin who I know quit coming around me cause I refused to go to the bars with her.

It sucks sometimes. I like being alone, but it would be nice to have female friends to confide in. Maybe one day. Sorry I rambled on. (smiles)
post #43 of 57
I wish I knew. I've made 1 friend since high school (& I sucked making friends back then, too). We met via The Babywearer, arranged to meet & just really clicked. Sadly, she moved to another country almost a year ago & while we try to stay in touch, it's just not the same without ever being able to hang out.

I'm a member of a freebirthing group here. We have monthly potlucks, but with no car & 3 kids, I seldom make it. I hosted twice & am scheduled to host again in a few months. The first time, no one came. The second time 3 ladies came with their kids & we had a good time, but nothing further came of it. It makes me sad to see them all talking about doing stuff together outside of the potlucks, but they never even invite me, much less help me figure out a way to get to their places (several live out in the country, so no bus there).

Having no friends made dh's recent 2 month hospital stay & repeated near death experiences even harder on all of us than it already was.
post #44 of 57
I had a terrible senior year of high school where all the people I *thought* were my friends sold me out to get in the graces of a queen bee who decided she didn't like me. It was horribly scarring and I have never really felt like I can trust other women enough to form close friendships. I spent an entire year completely isolated. Hardly anyone in my school would really even talk to me.

you'd think I'd just get over it, but when my first child was born I finally found a group of women to spend time with. Turns out one of them knew some people I went to school with. They stopped inviting me to spend time with them. I graduated from high school 15 years ago.

seriously though, someone needs to set up an online friend-finding service, like an online dating service. It shouldn't be easier to find a partner than a friend.
post #45 of 57
as sad as it is to admit, my current friends are still the same ones i had in high school and college. or they're my husbands friends also from HS/college. actually, my very best friends are the same friends i had in high school and also my sister, which is awesome that we've had such strong relationship since those days. i have one co-worker who i will see outside of work and hang out, but nothing too serious or deep.
post #46 of 57
I'm in the same boat as most of you. I've really never had trouble making or maintaining friendships as a child/young adult, until my first child was born 6 years ago. Since then, I've become a SAHM, had 2 more kids, and all of my local friends have moved far away, including my best friend. It hasn't really bothered me until recently and now it is quite depressing that I have nobody to do stuff with, talk on the phone with, or hang out with. I've tried joining AP groups, church groups, school groups, etc...nothing ever comes out of it. But I also just simply don't have the energy to put into making new friends. I just want my old ones back. I'm sure the energy I'm sending out doesn't welcome new friends either, since I'm mostly a homebody, but whenever I make an effort to make friends, it feels desperate and forced, not natural. I'm an introvert.
post #47 of 57
I'm kind of shy, so I've never been good at making friends. Love to hear more. I did meet some moms from LLL, but their kids are around 2 years younger so it's not been working out. The local homeschool groups are very scattered, and from what I can gather, cliquish.
post #48 of 57
I don't really have any friends. I'd lived here for 10 years and still don't have a "real" friend. Yes, people I see but not for coffee etc... Even at playgroups, mothers are so different, or they have there groups already so I can't seem to break in to them. Also my interests just don't interest them at all... I am in to classical music, stimulating conversation appart from about the kids, reading mostly non fiction etc... most concerts and stuff aren't really geared to kids, so that makes it hard... I'd given up on trying to reach a world that just isn't interested... The other aspect of it is taht people are so busy... kids are going to all this extra stuff, like sports etc all the time... even as babies... So busy helping at school and preschool, and being a taxi service for the kids, they don't have time to meet for coffee... Any words of wisdom? I even tried email groups, but there are very few in Australia, and most don't have must traffic on them, or the people don't live in my area... What else can I do? or am a doomed to a life of loneiness.
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post #49 of 57
I just brought this issue up to my husband last week. I have lots of friends, mostly holdovers from hs and college, but since having children we don't have much in common anymore. I've tried making friends through playgroups, but most of the moms there are either 10 years older than me or teen moms. Not that I'm being an age snob, I just don't have much in common with them. My husband, bless his heart for trying, is now trying to "set me up" with his work friends' wives. While one or two have potential, again I don't have much in common with most of them.

Thanks for posting this topic and sorry I couldn't be much help, but it feels good to talk about it. It took me a lot to finally bring it up to DH.
post #50 of 57
Finding a adult friend is like dating. I have given my # out so many times thinking this "mom or woman" will call. Sadly they never do. The last time I gave out my number I was by the phone like a lost puppy.

I think that part of the problem is that so many people don't know how to be good friends. Also we here on MDC are so strong in our belifes that maybe we don't always "fit a mold"/ I know that I don't. I tell people that I have a drug free birth, don't watch TV and cloth diper and they look at me like I from another planet.

So why we on MDC can't get together. We need to tell where we live and be each other friends.
post #51 of 57
Quote:
as sad as it is to admit, my current friends are still the same ones i had in high school and college. or they're my husbands friends also from HS/college. actually, my very best friends are the same friends i had in high school and also my sister, which is awesome that we've had such strong relationship since those days.
Dude, how is it "sad" to admit that? I've always really admired/envied those friendships that started young - I knew best friends at school who'd been friends practically from the cradle, and thought it was the coolest thing ever. Having a long history and understanding of each other from way-back-when, all those memories - that's neat. And being friends with your sister is definitely a blessing. I'd never have believed growing up that I'd be good friends with mine these days.
post #52 of 57
Trying to make friends as a mom with kids has been harder than before kids for me. It feels like part of the losing your sense of self that having little kids can bring about. You have so little time for yourself, by extension you don't have the time to nurture the interests and areas of your life you used to, to meet the people who did the same things and thought the same way as you. Now it's just, "we both have kids so we must have something in common". It might take several outings with someone before you realize you didn't say a single thing that wasn't about their kids or yours.

A reminder to all of us to take care of that part of our lives.
post #53 of 57
dang if i know...
right now im in a 'books and crafts' are my friends stage.... and im ok with that.
post #54 of 57
DH and I have talked about this recently. I think we are somewhat antisocial in that it is hard for us to reach out (make a call, invite). We have lots of professional colleagues that have kids similar in age and we do get together for play dates once in awhile, we are trying to reach out more. But, socializing to me is different than having a real friend. I have lots of people I can call for play dates, very few to call for having lunch or coffee. DH and I are BFFs and I don't usually feel the need for girlfriends.

It is difficult for me to trust people, I think most have giant walls around them and a 'public' persona. It is rare for me to trust someone enough to let them into my 'inner' circle. I have one close friend and it took about a year to feel comfortable talking to her, she definitely reached out to me in a personal way first. I had some disagreeable happenings with work 'friends' last year that made me distrust people.

So, that being said, most of the people Ikeep in touch with are professional colleagues, I meet the most people through my kids' activities, even more so now that DS is going to classes where I wait around for him and have a chance to talk to other moms.
post #55 of 57
I am recently separated and now see how much I let all of my friendships go over the last few years while focusing so much on my personal situation.
So rather than 'make friends as an adult' I am in the process of 're-kindling' (sp?) friendships, and also trying to turn some acquaintances into friendships.

I think the best way to do it is dedicate time to friendships, like actually make time to spend with other people, to spend time on the phone, or make time to send or reply to personal emails. I think it also takes an initial invitation to do something together, like invite someone over for tea/coffee, or make a play date, offering someone a ride if you both have to go to the same place, or whatever, but you have to initiate contact somehow, and then things usually evolve from there.
post #56 of 57
[QUOTE=anon_abroad;15719714]I am recently separated and now see how much I let all of my friendships go over the last few years while focusing so much on my personal situation.
So rather than 'make friends as an adult' I am in the process of 're-kindling' (sp?) friendships, and also trying to turn some acquaintances into friendships.


What a great thread! I am in the same situation; only slightly worse. I am an immigrant so I do not have any "old friendships" to rekindle. I am shy. I speak with accent. I also moved around U.S. a lot. I have recently relocated to PA, got married almost immediately and has been living here for four years but have not managed to make friends. I am shy, so I am having trouble striking up conversations in the public setting like a playground. I mean, I am trying but without much luck. I did not make any friends thriugh work.
We also do not go to church (well, almost). I was very desperate to make female friends when I moved to PA, so I went to a church few times but I felt out of place there. I posted in the Tribal Area here but got no response.
Finally, I went to meetup.com and found a mothering group in my county. I sent numerous e-mails to women and got one response. She is a nice woman and has a child slightly younger than my daughter. We organized weekly playdates and are having them for almost five weeks now. I like her a lot, although we do not seem to have much in common. The question I have for all of you is how whould I advance further in my relations with her? She seems very active and outgoing - she does a lot of different activities with her DD; she has many friends, and I just am not sure if she needs any more frriends that she has right now. She does not invite me to meet her circle of friends, although I let her know that I would love to meet them.
What bothering me a lot is that the social culture here, in the U.S. is so very different from the one of my home country. Back home we could always drop for a visit announced; we always share a meal with guests (even if they have already had dinner, they would still sit down and talk with us at the dinner table). The people here seem very reserved and formal (we have to make appointments to see each, for crying out loud!) and they do not open up easily (or not at all).
post #57 of 57
Thread Starter 
I think one issue here may be that our new home is on this quiet little island in Washington, everyone here refers to living on "island time" and I'm still a New Yorker - I'm very go-go-go, let's plan it now, extremely organized type. This has been my personality and I don't see much of a change taking place for me.

But I'm trying to meet people. Every week, we go to farmers markets and chat with people. I am a birth doula, postpartum doula and childbirth educator and, just this past week, have made some professional contacts that I'm looking forward to meeting with and seeing if friendships can grow.

Honestly, I really miss my gays too. I haven't found too many here yet!
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