AP methods are not working - pinching and jealousy

[amberskyfire]

I normally don't have any problems with my 2yo daughter, but for the past few months, I have been having two serious issues and no AP techniques seem to be working.

1. My daughter has started pinching me while breastfeeding. She's vicious about it and fast. She pinches my breasts, face, belly, chest, neck - anywhere she can get her hands.

I have tried pushing her hands away and telling her to keep her hands down each time but the hands go right back up there after about three seconds. She just won't keep them down. This happens at least fifty times per nursing session and I wish I could say I was exaggerating. I have tried taking the breast away when she does it, but that isn't helping either. She begs and pleads and cries to have it back and swears that she is sorry and won't do it again, but sure enough, five seconds after she has the boob back, she's tearing apart my flesh again.

My main problem with this method is that she only breastfeeds to go to sleep and cannot go to sleep any other way. Taking away the breast only results in it taking longer to get her to sleep. Instead of taking fifteen minutes, it takes two hours and lots and lots of crying. I'm losing my mind.

I have tried giving her other things to play with, but it only results in her being very interested in the thing which she will play with and then not nurse OR go to sleep, so it basically just makes matters worse.

2. My little girl has always been extremely high-needs. She was the type of baby who has never played with toys much at all and is only happy when I am constantly speaking directly to her. It is super exhausting.

The problem is that she gets upset when I talk to other people because I am not paying attention to her. When she was a little baby, it was forgivable much of the time, but now that she is older and speaks pretty much fluent English (all of that constant talking to her made her extremely verbally advanced) it's not so cool. She screams and hits and makes loud obnoxious whining sounds so that whoever I'm talking to can't hear me.

She makes other people very angry and I have to admit that I really don't like her much when she gets like that. I can't have a conversation with someone else or on the phone or she goes totally nuts. Time-outs blow the whole thing up ten times worse. I don't use time-out anymore - EVER. It has never worked and seems to only work her up into a worse mood. One time-out can ruin an entire day in our house. Any kind of punishment just makes all of our situations much worse, so I try never to use any kind of punishment anymore.

I have tried all the reasoning in the world with her on this. She just doesn't care. She knows that interrupting is rude. She knows that she mustn't bother me when I'm talking to someone else. She even has a book about it.

Distraction is another thing I have tried. She can't seem to be distracted away from her negative behavior. She doesn't care about toys and things like that and videos don't work, either.

My stepdaughter came to visit for two weeks and it was the worst two weeks of my life. My daughter was a complete maniac if I spoke to anyone but her. I'm at my wit's end with this amazing, wonderful, but exhausting little person!

And, lastly, I give my daughter my complete and undivided attention most of the time (because she has always been so high-needs) so a time-in isn't even an option. Our whole day is basically one big time-in except when I'm able to sneak a moment to think by myself at naptimes.

Any ideas? Any at all?

[ssh]

Two year olds have no impulse control so you shouldn't expect her not to interrupt or any other behaviors that a person needs self control to do. The reason it's called the terrible twos is that a lot of children have annoying behaviors at this age. It's also the worst age for tantrums for a lot of kids. Using calm redirection is the best strategy. She does hear you she just can't resist doing it anyway. The behaviors will improve with age if you are consistent. It's also better to tell her what to do instead of using "don't". We never used time outs or any kind of punishment.

You say she's high needs. Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka? It' s a really useful book.

About the pinching during breastfeeding. I told my DD that I couldn't give her milk if it hurt and then I stopped, saying Owie!, if she hurt me. I'd let her relatch and try again but after a few tries we just stopped for awhile. I know you do this at bedtime, but delaying bedtime a few times would be worth stopping the pinching. I'm not suggesting you try to get her to sleep without nursing, just that you stop every single time it hurts and tell her your boobies can't give her milk if they have booboos. Giving DD something to hold helped keep her hands busy. If the thing isn't new it shouldn't be too interesting. It could be harder since you've let her develop a habit of pinching you. My DD liked rubbing my arm or my belly instead. She also liked squeezing a soft toy too.

[crunchy_mommy]

I have no advice on the second thing, I think toddlers just feel the need to interrupt & drive you bonkers if you're trying to talk to someone. My solution is that if I need to have a real conversation with someone (i.e. make an important phone call) I wait 'til DH is home. I would think most people in casual conversation would understand about a toddler being needy & hard to continue the conversation -- if my friends got mad at DS for demanding my attention, I think I'd be finding new friends!

As far as the pinching, DS does this too & it drives me bonkers. The one thing that often works is if I hold his hand, sometimes that alone is enough & other times I will kiss his fingers, play finger games while he nurses, let him squeeze my fingers, etc. Also "gentle" works well for him, he learned long ago that "gentle" means stroke mommy's (or whoever's) cheek very gently so now when I say please be gentle, he reaches for my cheek. I also try talking to him, singing to him, tell him stories, etc. I think sometimes they want/need to nurse but get kind of bored, so you need to find very soothing/calming ways to entertain them (that won't distract from nursing). And yes, when the pinching gets too crazy & I get mad, I hand him to DH & walk away... sometimes *I* need a time-out to regroup! Then I can come back a few minutes later & deal with it more effectively.

[amberskyfire]

Thanks, guys That really helps! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one this happens to. It especially helps me to know that she doesn't have impulse control at this point. I didn't know that and it just puts so much in perspective.

I haven't read that book and I will look for it! Thank you!

[kcparker]

For the phone issue, have you tried setting a kitchen timer, or better yet, an hourglass style egg-timer as a way for her to know that she needs to give you THIS MUCH quiet time, and then you will be done on the phone? The only trick is that you have to make good and get off the phone when the timer dings or the sand runs out. My other trick, if I need to attend to DS2 or use the toilet, is that I will tell DS1 either that I will sing a song, or if it's only 30 seconds that I need, he can sing the alphabet song, and by the time it's done, I will be ready for him. It gives him something else to focus on while I put on shoes/put the onesie on his bro., etc. I am also not above locking myself in the bathroom or the bedroom if DH is home and I need to make a call.

My DS1 is sensitive, but pretty responsive to requests, whereas it sounds like your girl is sensitive, but persistent in her behaviors, so I don't know if my suggestions will help with the pinching. I would find the pinching 100% unacceptable, a non-starter that will make mommy very angry and not want to nurse, especially at the end of the day. I do think there are things a mama should not have to tolerate, and being physically assaulted (which is how the pinching, kicking, biting, etc. felt to me when DS1 was in that phase - DH told me I was exaggerating, but it made me kick into fight-or-flight mode, adrenaline and all) is one of them. It's okay and GOOD to have limits, and you can say, "I don't put up with this."

Since she won't pinch a lovey or stress ball or something besides you, I would say to try, in order:
1. tell her, "We are gentle; no pinch." I wouldn't bother reasoning with her, or even using complex sentences - GENTLE ONLY. NO PINCH. is the message she needs to understand.
2. hold her hands or play with them in your own hand to keep them from pinching.
3. Tell her that if she keeps pinching, you will have to leave the room, and DH will come in to help her go to sleep. Next pinch, and you are out of there.
She will cry and it will be an ugly, loud, tear-filled scene, but if you are resolute and she's not abandoned to CIO, she will get the message that this behavior is unacceptable. You can always go back in to spell your husband, but leave again if the pinching starts up.

Also, honestly, I would say to put her in a good daycare for a few hours a day a few days a week. Our DS has really blossomed in his (though it took him awhile to stop hanging out only with the teachers). It will help her learn social behavior and limits, learn to play independently, see that the world does not revolve around her and getting undivided attention all the time, and give you a break, which, if I were in your shoes, I know I would need. It sounds like you do a lot for her, and it's okay to start introducing her to the concept that she has to fend for herself in the entertainment department once in awhile. Oh, and on that note - we don't do TV, but since DS turned 2, DH (mama is the no-screen martinet) will use youtube nature and rocket videos to buy himself 2-10 minutes of zombie-child so that he can make a phone call or go use the toilet in peace.

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by kcparker

Also, honestly, I would say to put her in a good daycare for a few hours a day a few days a week. Our DS has really blossomed in his (though it took him awhile to stop hanging out only with the teachers). It will help her learn social behavior and limits, learn to play independently, see that the world does not revolve around her and getting undivided attention all the time, and give you a break, which, if I were in your shoes, I know I would need. It sounds like you do a lot for her, and it's okay to start introducing her to the concept that she has to fend for herself in the entertainment department once in awhile.

I usually feel so anti-daycare, but in your case OP, I really second this advice. I know with my niece, she goes for a few hours a day maybe 3 times a week? She loves the social interaction and the playtime and all. This sounds like it might be exactly what you need to start helping this situation.