Making 6 3/4 yr old go to VBS?

[eplatt]

I'm not quite sure what to do on this one.

We homeschool our almost 7 yr old. She went to kinder in public school then only about 3 1/2 weeks of first grade, and then we pulled her out and finished last year homeschooling. The reason we went from public to homeschool was because she had severe separation anxiety and was absolutely miserable going to school for six hours a day. I didn't want to hold her back and have her repeat kinder, so we homeschooled.

Now it seems like she won't stay anywhere with out me and sometimes I feel like I'm just being "indulgent"; and other times I think there is no reason I should make her go if she doesn't want to. I go back and forth.

So, I wanted her to try Vacation Bible School with a friend that she really, really likes, clicks with, and plays a lot with. I figured a week of going for only three hours/day (9-12) would give her some experience with being away, but also not for an extended period. Just so she feels more confident in doing things on her own.

So, she didn't want to go this morning, throwing a fit, crying, saying she hated it, melting down, refusing to get ready, so I let her stay home. It wasn't worth it to me to fight and force. The only thing is that I was picking up her friend and the friend was really looking forward to going with my dd. I feel like my dd kind of let her friend down by "ditching" her at the VBS, but I didn't want to force it.

Should I, or shouldn't I make her go for the rest of the week if she doesn't want to go? It isn't going to kill her, and it is supposed to be a lot of fun. I just don't get it and it is frustrating me to no end.

Please help! Elizabeth

[Drummer's Wife]

I wouldn't make her go. But that's just me.





Did she ask to attend before you signed her up? Or how did she react when you told her about it ahead of time?

[bonamarq]

I wouldn't ever MAKE a child do any optional activity like VBS but it sounds VERY much to me that your child has some serious anxiety issues that may very likely NOT get better with time - meaning that you probably need some professional help in dealing with this

My dd has some mild anxiety issues (not separation tho) she's 6.5 - My dh, also an anxiety sufferer - bought a book called "freeing your child from anxiety" which had some good info and you may want to check out..

My dd was petrified of bathrooms AND going to the movies? (even tho she had been plenty of times before and enjoyed it) this was last summer just before kindy so I thought alot of it was due to that - but when it didn't get better even after school was going well we got that book - it had some gentle ways to encourage your child to face their fears and ways to talk about the "mistakes" their brain was making (telling them to be afraid when they logically knew there was no good reason)

The bathroom issue we faced regularly and sort of took care of itself (she was afraid of getting locked in and was desperate for me to hold it open - not always practical or possible - the movie thing we sort of forced (ie we are going and you will be fine - it's your brain bug telling you to be scared but you don't have to listen) She went in and was fine - but I think part of it was that it hadn't gotten so ingrained in her either - maybe she would've just outgrown it on her own? who knows - but if I were you I would at least think about getting some professional help

Is she EVER apart from you? with whom? does she worry about YOU when you are apart? Or is it more she's uncertain of what is in store for her? Could you maybe go and help her transition and then leave?

sorry you have to go through with this - anxiety is very real and can be very debilitating - the good news is she's still young and if this is the issue it's MUCH easier to correct her thought patterns now then when she's older - my dh says he wishes desperately someone had been able to help him as we have (?) dd....

good luck

[eplatt]

Well, she wasn't excited about it in the first place. Dd initially said, "No, I don't want to go." But when I told she would be in the same class and be going with friend A, she said she would give it a try. But she really didn't want to go in the first place.

But she never wants to go anywhere or try anything new! Her initial reaction to everything is "NO!" But after she watches or tries something, she sometimes changes her mind. If I don't initiate or just take her sometimes even when she says she doesn't want to do it, she would never try anything new or go anywhere. She would have missed out on horseback riding, which is about the only thing she loves now.

[eplatt]

Dd does have a lot of anxiety with being away from me. I stayed with her the entire first day from 9-12 just so she would know what was in store and know I would be there and we could leave any time if she needed to.

I just ordered that book from our library, thanks for the suggestion. She does have a lot of other anxiety as well, when around a lot of people, lots of kids mostly, lots of noise, loud noise, loud music, and...the MOVIES! She hates going to the movies too and I don't force that because its expensive anyway.

[blessedwithboys]

eplatt, what you are describing in post #5 sounds like Sensory Processing Disorder. Actually, Bonamarq, that sounds like your daughter's fear of bathrooms (loud flushing) and movies (surround sound).

Google SPD and see how it adds up and if necessary, have an OT eval done. They are actually a lot of fun for kids bc the kids get to play on all sorts of cool equipment.

GL!

[northwoods1995]

I had a similar experience with my son and VBS last year. He was invited by a friend and said he wanted to go. The first three days were fine but on the morning of the fourth day he woke up crying and sobbing that he didn't want to go. He wouldn't really explain to me why but I didn't make him go. He didn't finish the week.

In his case, he doesn't have sep. anxiety and really loved going to pre-k so I'm not sure what happened with VBS but I didn't force him to go.

[JessBB]

To be blunt, I think that level of attachment and anxiety is not normal in a child that age and you should move aggressively to address it. WRT VBS specifically, I don't know if forcing her to go would help or hinder the situation. So, I would maybe not force VBS but I would set up a meeting with your pediatrician (without your daughter present) to discuss the situation asap.

[bonamarq]

I am quite familiar with SPD (I work in the field of autism) and while dd DOES have some issues there as well (clothes are a challenge - I am SO grateful she is verbal enough to tell me precisely what the issues are) Her movie and bathroom issues were all about the closed door and the possiblity of getting locked in - she never had any isssues with either setting until she was 5.5 - now she's conquered that fear they are no longer even the slightest issue - I apply alot of OT/sensory integration techniques to our day - she LOVES to have a massage before bed (who wouldn't really?) and I enjoy connecting with her that way - and days always go better with lots of sensory input

as for OP - I would certainly think it worth an OT eval if lots of noise bothers her to the point that she is fearful/avoiding - my experience is that auditory sensitivity is harder to 'treat' then some other sensitivities (vestibular/proprioceptive, tactile - all do great with OT) strategies for auditory tend to be band aids/ acclimatization oriented) If I am mistaken on this I'd be grateful for some effective strategies for my clients....

[Ruthla]

It sounds to me like she agreed to "try it" and held to her promise. She went the first day with you there, and then another day without you, and then decided it wasn't for her and she didn't want to go again. I would let her stay home without drama, and for the rest of the week I'd offer to take her each morning but calmly accept a "no thank you" from her. I can't see what good would come from forcing her to go- isn't that part of the reason you're homeschooling her anyway?

I'm not sure I agree with the others on this thread about "un-natural level of attachment at that age". 6 is still quite young, and while some kids are rather independent by that age, not all are. It certainly can't hurt to get an evaluation done (and now that you're worried, getting her evaluated should ease your mind) but it's quite possible that she's simply a "slow blossomer" and doesn't need any kind of therapy.

[Arduinna]

I wouldn't make her go, and I agree with the other posters regarding having an evaluation. As someone sensitive to a variety of things, forcing me into a situation just makes me really cranky and distrustful it doesn't make me just "learn to get over it" the way people think it will.

[eplatt]

I have read that one book on SPD, I think it was [U]The Out of Sync Child[U], and Dd does have some tendencies towards SPD but on a scale of 1-10, if 1-5 is normal sensory processing, and 10 is severe she is just on the upwards side of 5-6 on most things. So, definitely some of the symptoms of SPD, but not so severe that it interferes with her life too much. We just do other stuff. Go swimming instead of movies. Parks instead of indoors. Etc.

And yes, that is exactly why we homeschooled, because I hate forcing her to go when it was so hard on her to be away.

We did see a therapist about three months after we started homeschooling because I wanted to help her work through her separation anxiety and not be forever afraid to try school again when she really is ready to try. And the therapist we saw, who is super, super good and specializes in attachment theory said dd is fine, and just has a really, really strong attachment to me, which is good. Not unhealthy at all and not ambivalently attached where she thinks I may not be there when she needs me, but just a strong bond and super attached.

If nothing changes as she gets older, we will definitely get professional help again. But for now, I guess I'll just deal with my frustration and my feelings of thinking she should "want" to go and "have fun" just because all the other kids like it and are enjoying themselves. I guess that is my thing.

[eplatt]

Wow...thanks for all the input. I like to read the different ideas and suggestions before making a decision.

My gut was telling me, "don't force her if she doesn't want to go." Just every once in a while I doubt what my heart is telling me to do especially when my dh doesn't agree and thinks we should just make her go and "suck it up." And then the comment from the other mom who thinks I should just "be the parent" and make her go...as if dd shouldn't have any say in how she spends her days since I'm the parent and "I should know whats best and not just give in."

Anyway, I'm not going to make her go...just wish sometimes she could be a little more "normal" and like to go to birthday parties, vacation bible school, sports, etc., things most other kids do like. Again, my thing to deal with my feelings about it.

[peaceful_mama]

Have you asked her if there's any other reason she does not want to go besides being away from you? Possibly there's a kid or a teacher who said/did something she thought was mean/she didn't like.

Maybe she thought a particular part of it was boring.

And, if there was any part she *liked*, that might give you an idea of something new you could try. (i.e. she didn't like the singing but she liked the art/craft thing...so maybe then an art type class would be a better fit for her...also probably shorter.)

And no, I wouldn't force her to go and finish this out if she really does not like it. But I *would* keep trying to find other things she might like.

Maybe the half-days every day is more than she wants right now too, but she'd do better with something that's not every day and a shorter time block while she learns to enjoy being more independent.

I think it *will* happen. You said she went to kinder, how did that go for her? (I'm guessing that was half-days, not full)

[meemee]

mama try different things.

offer different things. at different times.

my dd's bf is like your dd. at almost 8 he finally said yes to baseball (he has turned that down many times) and it was a good fit and he now happily goes. he still gets to stay back if he doesnt want to go. but that rarely happens.

[eplatt]

Update:
I didn't make dd go to VBS and she won't go tomorrow.

I work on Tues/Thurs and today (Thursday) I got an email from the babysitter telling me dd was not having a good day. That she was pretty much not listening to anything, throwing things at people even after being told not to (she has other littler kids too so could have been hurt inadvertantly), and continuing with behavior even after being talked to. THis is the first time, EVER, that she has gotten into trouble at the babysitters.

That makes sense since she was having an emotion/anxious week related to the whole VBS thing. Hmmm....she is obviously trying to tell me something. I need to listen sooner next time instead of forcing the issue.

[phathui5]

Could you go with her?

[Arduinna]

I'm sorry she is having a hard week, but you are a good mama for listening to her and trying to understand instead of just forcing her.

[heartmama]

When my son was that age he would not have attended a large group activity like school or camp. He would have been unwilling to be away from me for that long and with such throngs of people.

BUT, he separated fine if it was a small group activity that he enjoyed, the type that lasted for an hour or two.

So, if you mean she will never leave you under any circumstances, that is different than a child who will separate but only under certain conditions.

Some children are slower to separate from their parents. Because we tend to force them out early in US culture, we don't have many examples of children getting to separate on their own timetable.

Your child did attend school for over a year. She may regress for awhile and be super clingy, if she was resistant to school separation that entire year. It may take time for her to adjust and find her own comfort zone.

[homeschoolingmama]

My daughter is 6 and doesn't like to separate. There is nothing wrong with her. I don't follow what is considered "normal" but what is "normal" for her. She has always been a very cautious child. She doesn't run and jump into a situation. She quietly observes and will on occasion join in. She is very content within herself to play alone. I would never consider leaving her somewhere where she wasn't comfortable. I have been noticing that she is taking steps further away. The other day we went to her friends house (her mom and I are friends) and she didn't check to see if I was there once. She is ok with me dropping her off at the library for the 1 hr program with her big sister. Last year she wasn't ok with that. She will venture out and find her way. I admire her. She pays no mind to what others think and is confident in who she is. Ok, I am going to stop before I write a whole page on everything I love about her! lol
I think you are a wonderful mother who is truly respecting your daughters feelings. Way to go mama!!!