Making 6 3/4 yr old go to VBS? - Page 2

[jeteaa]

for my just 6 yr old hsed dd, it depends on what the drop off activity is. She would stay all day at art class, but would not even step into a day camp environment.

[midnightwriter]

When DD was 6-7, she absolutely hated being away from me. I never forced her. Now she is 8, and loves loves loves all day camps and so on. True independence can't be forced, it will emerge from secure attachment.

[brokenheart]

Not exactly the same thing, but my DD (7) is usually fine with going to camps, etc. But this summer, she is not wanting to go to a part-time camp that we have set up for her (and partially pre-paid for). I tried to find out exactly why she doesn't want to go, but haven't yet received real concrete answers.

Bottom line....I will not make her go. I've had some people tell me I should tell her to suck it up and make her go, but I think that would really erode her trust in me if I forced her to do something she didn't want to do/didn't feel comfortable doing. But maybe I'm too "soft"? If my DD really hated school and did not want to go and was really distressed (and I couldn't get her to come around), I'd find another way to get her educated. I know a lot of people would just force their kid to go to school.

What if you went to the camp and sat outside on a bench? Then she would know she could come to you anytime she needed you? Either way, I wouldn't force her to go if she is adament about not being there.

[yarngoddess]

OP- I think you are right NOT to force her to do anything she's uncomfortable with. I know personally how Hard it is to have a child that *should* be able to be away from you for a while, but they cannot I applaud you for listening to your gut and your child. I'm so sad that she's acted out at daycare as well...how difficult for all involved.

I have a DS that's very anxious. He's probably SPD and he definately has some Autistic Like behaviors- but isn't autistic. He does have moderate anxiety. His anxiety varies from age/stage to situation to location to scent in the wind...lol well it seems that way some days. We have tried lots of ways to combat my DS's Anxiety (not therapy, I'm not a fan of therapy in children unless it's ABSOLUTLY nessicary) and the only thing that seemed to work were these ideas. 1-Calm Child herbal pills. They work very well and instead of treating each "melt down" he had a base of calming medication in his system. Very highly reccomended! 2-lots and lots of talking about what his brain was doing. That yes, it sucks but it is something he can work to controll. We also worked on ways of getting him to calm himself in the Moment (and carry an herbal liquid called tummy tonic- for whatever reason it helps tremendiously during an attack) and ways for him to tell us he's Overwhelmed or stressed before it's bad. 3- making sure he knows that we love him, and that if he's scared or panicking we will not force him to do/go where he's uncomforatble. He had a total panic attack over leaving for the store. Out of the blue. I stayed home with him and he sat on the couch and cried next to me. He didn't want to talk, or touch me or watch tv or anything. We just sat there and cried, and when he was done- then we talked about what he was feeling and going through. He told me what helped him, what made things worse at that moment and we looked for ways to improve the next situation if there is one. Sometimes he just needs a firm voice to tell him that he's going to be OK, and that he needs to keep breathing and to stay with him.

I think you are doing a great job. It's very difficult with kids that panic, so hang in there and trust your gut!

[eplatt]

It is so reassuring to hear all the great answers and support on this board. Thank you all so much! My mothing instincts tell me to do one thing...and everyone else I know says I should do another. I might just be in a very mainstream area because no one supports my mothing decisions to support and listen to my childrens.

homeschoolingmama: your dd sounds very much like mine. She likes to observe, watch, maybe join in, but doesn't feel the need to have to in order to belong. She is content to play with stuffed animal or whatever on her own and I LOVE that about her! She doesn't need affirmation from others or peers, she is happy to just be.

yarngoddess: I plan to go the health food store and find some of that tummy tonic. Sounds like something that would really help if for no other reason than to give dd something concrete she can do to help herself when she feels like she needs it. Along with lots of talking and I just order a bunch of books (for me and for kids) on anxiety, fears, feelings, etc.

Thank you all again. It helps even just to confirm that I know I'm doing the right thing by listening to her and honoring her needs in the interest of my long term goal of trust and attachment, versus whatever short term goal other peoople think I would be achieving by making her go.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by eplatt

It isn't going to kill her, and it is supposed to be a lot of fun.

It's fun for some people. I went every year as a kid, and I didn't enjoy it. As an adult, I also don't like loud, chaotic places. Sometimes I suck it up and go to things that DC want to do. I usually need some decompress time afterward. I'm an introvert, and time with too many people running in varying directions just isn't enjoyable to me. Since my mother usually volunteered at VBS, I had to go.

Last year DS wanted to go to a nearby church's, so I took him. When I got him the first night, I went into the sanctuary with all of this running around and craziness, and I remembered why I didn't like it. OTOH, the children's minister was having a blast being up there with the kids in the middle of all of that!

So I wouldn't write this off as a separation anxiety issue because it may be the event and not being away from you. I'd try something quieter, even one-on-one to see how that works.

[leaves]

i haven't read all of the replies so i don't know if i'm repeating anything, but i struggle with anxiety and remember being an anxious child. it may be that she would like to try it out, but is afraid that once she's there, she will not like it, or she'll miss you a lot, or something else, and that she'll be stuck there. that's what it was for me as a child [and still is, sometimes when i try something new]. you could go with her and transition her, and tell her [and the leaders] that if she decides to come home for any reason, you can pick her up...of course, only if that's doable for you.