When your kids disappoint you? - Page 2

[EdnaMarie]

I'm subbing as I find this interesting. My child is much younger and I'm not sure if I've felt disappointed in her, per se. I have definitely felt ashamed at her behavior, and disappointed about a thing she's done, but disappointed in her, like I expected better of her?

I do think she'll need to get older for me to experience that as now I have so much hope that things can still turn around for the better, LOL!

[Storm Bride]

My kids have never disappointed me. Maybe it's just a matter of semantics? I'm not sure. DS1 has done a few things I didn't like over the years -not many, but a few - but I've never been disappointed, as such. We talked over the things he did wrong, and applied consequences, as necessary. But, I see childhood/adolescense (well, all of life, but those times, in particular) as a time of learning. When my child does something that I really don't like, I just see it as a lesson that hasn't "taken" yet, not as something to be disappointed by.

The worst ever was probably when ds1 hit a girl in our complex when he was 12...totally out of character for him, and quite a shock. He talked to me about it, went up and down about how to handle it, felt like crap, etc. He eventually went and talked to her and apologized for what happened. He's never hit anyone since. I wasn't happy that he hit someone - not happy at all. But, it never occurred to me to be "disappointed". He's only human and he was only 12 (I remember all too well what those hormone storms can be like!), and he simply found himself dealing with a situation that he lacked the coping skills for.

We have constant and recurring problems with ds2 and hitting. I'm frustrated, exhausted, and bewildered...but not disappointed. I just don't know what's going on in his head, or how to get a handle on it. Honestly, if anyone should be disappointed, it's probably ds2 - I'm the adult, and I don't know how to cope with it.

I'm rambling (I do that). I just see my kids as both separate individuals and "works in progress". I'm not disappointed by their slip-ups and mistakes. We all make them, and I don't expect them to be an exception to that. DS1 is almost grown. There are areas where he deviates from my hypothetical "ideal" (he's a real mooch, for one thing!), but he's...ds1. He's not me. He doesn't have to have the exact same standards of conduct, yk?

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

My children haven't disappointed me, and I doubt they could. I may dislike their actions at times, but they as people are not a disappointment. I am very careful about distinguishing the person from the action, especially in regards to people I know when they do something otherwise out of character.

Meemee, perhaps your friend needs help looking into life-course persistent offenders vs. adolescent limited offenders... Because chances are his son is the latter.

I think this is the key..I might not like everything dd does or says in her life but I will be there for her no matter what. I love her and I think it's more likely they will either embrace your values or return to them if they know they can come to you when they have done something you consider "wrong." That is so huge. Unconditional Love is so important. I would be devastated if my dd was in some kind of trouble and didn't feel like she could come to me because she feared I would reject her. I always tell her she can tell me anything...she is ten...hope she remembers that as a teen.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Would you not be disappointed if they hurt another person on purpose?

I do not mean to imply that your children have it in them, but I am curious what other people do.

We have a very big trial going on in the area, four teenagers broke into a house, killed the mother and almost killed a child (she survived). Certainly the parents of these teens did not see this coming? Who can predict something like this?

I see one child bully another, and some parents will ignore it with excuses, and some will have a discussion about treating others with kindness, but in the moment - it can't feel good to know that's YOUR child is bullying another.

Are you certain that your children will never say a cruel remark to another person? Will never make fun of anyone? I hope you are right, but I guess I am asking for a perspective of those who can imagine that possibility, and would like to know beyond discussing things with your kid, how would you move on internally?

Kindness is very important quality for me in a person. I get the trial and error of growing up, and DSD acts with great kindness sometimes, but I have also seen a mean streak. I guess I hope that the kind side wins before she is all grown up, but I worry - what if it won't? kwim?

Separating the action from the child. My child saying a cruel remark doesn't make my child a cruel person. It makes my child a person who said a cruel remark. Which is how I would deal with it. It is how I have dealt with it. DD is not perfect. She has engaged in behaviour that has not been very nice in the past. But she was not the one I was disappointed with. It was her actions. We talked about. we discussed what kind of person she, what kind of person she wants to continue to be, and how the actions she engaged in contradicted that, and mostly distinguishing between her and her actions and how she has control over the actions she commits and has control over the type of person she is.

DD is almost 12 now and I do have a hard time seeing her doing anything like that anymore because she is a truly loving person who cares about the feelings and physical integrity of everyone, even people she admittedly doesn't like.

[mistymama]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm

I think this is the key..I might not like everything dd does or says in her life but I will be there for her no matter what. I love her and I think it's more likely they will either embrace your values or return to them if they know they can come to you when they have done something you consider "wrong." That is so huge. Unconditional Love is so important. I would be devastated if my dd was in some kind of trouble and didn't feel like she could come to me because she feared I would reject her. I always tell her she can tell me anything...she is ten...hope she remembers that as a teen.

This is so very true - and something I hope to have with my ds as well. I was terrified to coming to my parents with the truth sometimes, because I knew how much trouble I would get in, or how upset my Mom would be with me. So often I lied and hid things from them, things other kids were able to talk to their parents about. I so hope that ds feels loved unconditionally and feels he can come to us about anything, without rejection. It's something that is very, very important to me.

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Separating the action from the child. My child saying a cruel remark doesn't make my child a cruel person. It makes my child a person who said a cruel remark. Which is how I would deal with it. It is how I have dealt with it. DD is not perfect. She has engaged in behaviour that has not been very nice in the past. But she was not the one I was disappointed with. It was her actions. We talked about. we discussed what kind of person she, what kind of person she wants to continue to be, and how the actions she engaged in contradicted that, and mostly distinguishing between her and her actions and how she has control over the actions she commits and has control over the type of person she is.

DD is almost 12 now and I do have a hard time seeing her doing anything like that anymore because she is a truly loving person who cares about the feelings and physical integrity of everyone, even people she admittedly doesn't like.

Just have to say I agree with this post also Musician Dad. I really think this is what makes a child feel secure in your love...totally what AP is all about.

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by mistymama

This is so very true - and something I hope to have with my ds as well. I was terrified to coming to my parents with the truth sometimes, because I knew how much trouble I would get in, or how upset my Mom would be with me. So often I lied and hid things from them, things other kids were able to talk to their parents about. I so hope that ds feels loved unconditionally and feels he can come to us about anything, without rejection. It's something that is very, very important to me.

Yeah, I keep thinking..for example...say she's at a party and there's underage drinking...she doesnt want to drink and doesn't feel comfortable being there. She wants a ride home but her best friend is drunk...I want her to be able to call me and tell me what's happening, not risk her life with a drunk driver because she's terrified that I would be mad that she was at that kind of a party. I just hope I can really be that cool of a mom if it ever happens

[ssh]

If we're honest, anyone we have a relationship with will disappoint us to some degree at some point in time and we will disappoint them. If you love someone unconditionally, incidents of disappointing behavior don't effect your love, respect and support of that person, kids included. With your children though it's important to not take the differences in their lifestyle or decisions personally. They are separate people and have a right to their own mistakes, beliefs, and world views.

I'm proud and supportive of my older DD, age 24, regardless of what she's doing, even if her choice is something I wouldn't do in a million years because I know she's trying to be the best person can be and I value her as a person unconditionally. Anything annoying my 4.5 year old DD does, she probably does because she's still an impulsive preschooler. She's not old enough provoke disappointment yet.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

we discussed what kind of person she, what kind of person she wants to continue to be, and how the actions she engaged in contradicted that, and mostly distinguishing between her and her actions and how she has control over the actions she commits and has control over the type of person she is.

I think talking with your kids about how they choose to be the person they want to be is very important. Last fall I started talking to my 4.5 year old about what kind of person she wants to be and how her behavior choices influence how people see her as a person. And how the choice of what kind of person she is can help her choose her behavior. My DD was experimenting with some rude and bossy behavior, which is very developmentally normal. I just wanted her to realize that behavior can be a way of expressing who you are. When I notice her doing things in a rude or unkind manner I let her know why I think the behavior is rude and we talk about how the behavior doesn't fit in with the kind of person she wants to be.

[Oriole]

I get the slip ups, and being human, and saying doing things we regret later. The only thing that I do not get is lack of remorse in cases when there should be.

I agree though with always being there for the child, and loving no matter what. I know that regardless of the choices dsd I will always be there for her, and will always love. To me being disappointed doesn't mean not loving.

[Storm Bride]

DS2 often lacks remorse about incidents that there should be remorse for. I'm not disappointed in him. I'm concerned about him, and why he has so much trouble "getting" these things.

I think "disappointment", for me, reflects a state of mind that just isn't there for me. I would have to have a degree or type of...expectation, maybe?...that I don't have, in order to be disappointed.

[seawind]

i understand what you mean. as a parent i do have some expectations of my child that are independent of the unconditional love and support that i give. in other words, my love and support are not conditional to my child fulfilling certain expectations. there are a set of core values and guidelines i hope to pass on that are meant to stand my child in good stead in the course of life. your attitude toward and choices about some fundamental life issues are very much shaped by the values and upbringing you received growing up. it's not a overnight process. so, if you are a parent who knows the importance of this process and take an active part in promoting certain values and thought processes, it will definitely come as a disappointment if the child chooses a certain line of behavior and attitude.

up until when children become adults, there are going to be phases where you will search yourself as a parent, they will search themselves as to who they are, what they want to be and how to get there. i think, along the way, your intuition as parent will tell you what are rough patches and what are things to be genuinely concerned about.

there is nothing wrong about reasonable expectations and feeling disappointed. it's just part of being human.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by seawind

i understand what you mean. as a parent i do have some expectations of my child that are independent of the unconditional love and support that i give. in other words, my love and support are not conditional to my child fulfilling certain expectations. there are a set of core values and guidelines i hope to pass on that are meant to stand my child in good stead in the course of life. your attitude toward and choices about some fundamental life issues are very much shaped by the values and upbringing you received growing up. it's not a overnight process. so, if you are a parent who knows the importance of this process and take an active part in promoting certain values and thought processes, it will definitely come as a disappointment if the child chooses a certain line of behavior and attitude.

up until when children become adults, there are going to be phases where you will search yourself as a parent, they will search themselves as to who they are, what they want to be and how to get there. i think, along the way, your intuition as parent will tell you what are rough patches and what are things to be genuinely concerned about.

there is nothing wrong about reasonable expectations and feeling disappointed. it's just part of being human.

Thank you for articulating so well what I feel and what I got the feeling that the OP meant.

The discussions seems to have veered off on the assumption that being disappointed in a child means feeling that s/he is *intrinsically* disappointing as a person. Not what I feel and not what I got the sense that the OP felt.

But, yes, of course I have expectations for behavior for my DS! And, yes, I'm disappointed when he doesn't meet those expectations. Doesn't mean I don't love him, doesn't mean I think he's innately a bad or disappointing person now (at the age of 7!), doesn't mean I don't talk to him about why his behavior has disappointed me.

I'm actually quite shocking that people say they're never disappointed in their children. Must be some sort of semantic issue. Perhaps if I phrased it as "disappointed in DS' behavior from time to time" it might make more sense to people . . . .

[A&A]

I think disappointment in our children is a great time to stop and reflect that they are their own people, not just a smaller version of ourselves.