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Why do women stay in abusive relationships? - Page 2

post #21 of 27
Thread Starter 
Thank you all again for the continued replies, I am still trying to work through all this in my own mind...

My mom has this thing where she feels like she has to save everyone (and it's reinforced bc everyone in the whole family goes to her bc she is the one who can get things done and handle crisis). She always says that no one else can handle my dad bc he's so broken (which is true) and that only she is capable of loving him and sticking it out with him.

I just wonder if she realizes how much her need to save him is costing her. I can't imagine living with and loving someone who is so cruel one minute and so loving and kind the next. I can understand loving him, bc I do too, but I absolutely will not let him bully me, and he hasn't since I set him straight (I had to tell him flat out that even though I was getting divorced from xh, and had to live w/my parent's temporarily didn't mean he was in charge of my life or a stand-in co parent to my kids).

I think that my dad lacks a basic respect for women. He would argue against that however he has gone through things in his life that I think make him have a subconcious hatred for women.

I have been trying to take a step back from my parent's relationship, and I have told my mom that my dad's behavior means that I don't trust that my children will be okay spending the night at gma and gpa's house. I have to protect my children above all else. My mom is saddened by this but she understands and says I am the best mom she has ever known.

I am half way through that article about stockholm syndrome and it really makes sense. I see my mom as identifying with my dad bc she has needed to in order to survive. It really helps me understand what may be going on in her mind.
post #22 of 27
This post and responses hit very close to home for me with my childhood and mom, etc. Recently my mom said to me "you are the best mom I know".

Hopefully we are breaking the cycle.

Laura
post #23 of 27
The whole "I have to save the world" syndrome is also known as codependence. I've been living it for several years now and have just started untangling myself from it. Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? It's eye-opening.

I'm glad you're able to detach from your parents' relationship. It must be so hard.
post #24 of 27
I think some people stay in bad relationships thinking that surely there must be some merit to the relationship or some reward for putting up with the horror... so to finally give in and realize that she endured all that for nothing at all... really brings home that she didn't have to live that way for so long. It's a hard thing to face - that she could have let herself out of that cage, but didn't. I think it means she has to question herself about why she would put up with that, instead of being able to be angry at someone for treating her that way.

But no one should put up with abusive behavior, there isn't any golden reward for staying in an abusive relationship, and it's never too late to take your own life back.
post #25 of 27
Pure and simple, logistics.

No where to go. A bad economy. A stagnated housing market.
post #26 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
I think some people stay in bad relationships thinking that surely there must be some merit to the relationship or some reward for putting up with the horror... so to finally give in and realize that she endured all that for nothing at all... really brings home that she didn't have to live that way for so long. It's a hard thing to face - that she could have let herself out of that cage, but didn't. I think it means she has to question herself about why she would put up with that, instead of being able to be angry at someone for treating her that way.

But no one should put up with abusive behavior, there isn't any golden reward for staying in an abusive relationship, and it's never too late to take your own life back.

Yes, yes, yes. This is a very large part of it. I just hate to see her so miserable and deep down think that she doesn't deserve any better.

Halfasianmomma, I am going to check out that book about codependency and then give it to my mom. She has really been looking inward lately and facing some hard realities.
post #27 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post
The whole "I have to save the world" syndrome is also known as codependence. I've been living it for several years now and have just started untangling myself from it. Have you ever read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? It's eye-opening.

I'm glad you're able to detach from your parents' relationship. It must be so hard.
That is an excellent book.

Another is Lost in the Shuffle by Richard Subey. I may have the author's name misspelled. From what I remember, it is bit more basic than Beattie's book, which may make it a good starter.
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