What would you do in this situation?

[mommy22boys]

So I have read many Gentle Discipline books and I understand and agree with everything, but I never know what to actually do in specific situations. I guess it takes practice?

We are at my parents' house, they live in another city and 3 yo DS is very excited to be here. So he was leaning on a screen door, and I came and took him off the screen after saying "DS don't lean on it!" The screen is lose and I didn't want him to fall on his face outside. He got really really mad, and started hitting me . I just said "I'm sorry but I just didn't want you to fall and get hurt, because the screen could come off and you would have fallen on your face." I said it nicely and lovingly. And he just screamed as loud as he could in my face, still really angry and trying to hit me some more.
I don't know, maybe I embarrassed him, my mom and sister were there.... What would you have done when he started hitting you and got really mad like that?

[LynnS6]

I would have said "Ouch, that hurts. Be gentle!" Then I would have picked him and removed him from the door. If he continued, I would have said, "I know you're mad, but we need to be gentle." Then I would have plopped him on the couch and walked out of range.

After he had calmed down, I would have explained.

[Freud]

How old is he?

[mommy22boys]

Oh sorry forgot to add his age, he is 3.
After re-reading my post I'm not sure if my question was clear in the original post or not, but what I wanted to know is:
What would you do if you child got really angry and started hitting you and screaming after you told him to stop something dangerous, at his grandparents' (or anyones just not his own) house?

I think if I said "ouch that hurts" that would not stop him because I think that is what he wanted to do because he was so mad at me....

[Tjej]

I'd likely react with an "Ouch" and then say firmly "hitting is not okay, you need to calm down". I'd take him somewhere to sit and calm down (I'd keep myself just out of range or I'd hold him on my lap, depending on the child and what seemed like it would de-escalate the situation the fastest). Then once calmer I'd say "we need to be gentle with eachother" (and probably get him to say "be gentle" or something similar).

THEN I would talk about why we don't lean on the screen, and maybe bring him to it and show him.

HTH

Tjej

[mommy22boys]

That's true, one thing that I definitely need to work on is to wait to explain things to him until after he is calm. I just always feel like if I tell him why I did what I did, he will realize I wasn't being mean and calm down. But I guess with children his age, they won't listen or really hear you until they are calm and not upset anymore.

[eplatt]

I would do what the other poster said and either hold him in lap or just get out of his range of hitting. With Gentle Discipline I sometimes forget that even though we are trying to keep our cool and handle things differently, the little ones still get angry, as is human nature, when they don't get their way. Gentle Discipline doesn't mean no one is ever going to get angry, or that they will cooperate all the time, or that you won't get angry either. I forget sometimes that just because I tried to handle a situation gently, doesn't mean my littles will always respond gently...still lots of strong emotions involved, but that is OK. It doesn't mean you should have done anything different to try to contain the emotion or anger.

[lmk1]

Depending on the danger of the screen door (like if he breaks it, how big of a deal is it, is he seriously going to get hurt, is the screen expensive to fix, etc), I would probably say "Oh look the screen in the door bends when you lean on it, it can break, and then you would fall down and bump your head and get hurt (or fall down the stairs, whatever)" ... my ds does not react well to being physically moved and then given an explanation, but a lot of times if I explain to him WHY I don't want him doing something or point out to him the danger of something, he will change what he's doing. Of course, this doesn't always work, just like it doesn't work with adults ... not everyone's assessment of the risk is the same. And if that doesn't work, I'd try to distract him with something else like "Oh, where's grandma hiding? I bet I can find her first" and make that into a game.
My ds is 2y8mo, so I don't know how much he'll change/grow when he's 3, but if he is doing something that has a high danger risk to himself or something expensive to break and he's not responding to either of those techniques above, I just deal with the fallout of his anger...I don't know that my ds would understand an explanation AFTER the fact (either while he's angry or after he's over his anger).
To some degree it's ok to let kids get hurt or break things (depending on the situation) when the consequence is not that bad (like it's not going to be a trip to ER) so that kids learn the reasons why we don't do certain things. Everyone learns better from their own experience than someone else's.

Also, your reaction doesn't need to be any different at someone else's house...of course, you don't want him breaking people's stuff, but as far as dealing with his anger, what difference does it make where you are? How would you have dealt with it at home? It's embarrassing to think someone is going to judge your for not controlling your kid, but heck, everyone knows kids get angry and upset easily...it's not like your 3 yo needs to be a little adult.

[One_Girl]

Violence was something I never put up with because I saw too many posts on here (under another user name) about much older children still hurting parents and that wasn't something I was willing to accept as a value in our family. The few times dd was violent when she was younger I told her to "Stop, it isn't okay to hit" then I would prompt her to tell me what she needed or what she was feeling. I never had to go beyond a firm reminder and I am not sure what I would have done if dd had been violent a lot. If he is frequently violent then you probably need to do something else about this, telling him what to do about his anger when he appears like he is about to lose control may help (I did this with a kindergartener who frequently hit and it seemed to help him). I read in a book about a guy saying when you are genuinely angry (and your kid is around) you should say you are so angry you feel like hitting then say a brief thing about why hitting is wrong and what you are going to do to manage your anger instead. We dd a lot of role playing with stuffed animals where an animal would hit and we would tell it what to do instead, we also pretended it kept hitting sometimes and we made it walk away and take a break. That may have helped dd know what to do when she felt like hitting or kicking, she loved role playing with toys, but she also may have not been prone to reacting physically.

[mommy22boys]

Thanks for the thoughtful, helpful replies.
At home I probably would have done the same thing, but not been so bothered by his hitting, I probably would have just told him not to hit. That's another problem I have, when we are around others, I always feel like they are thinking "why is she letting him do that?" I have to stop caring about that.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

if someone is so angry that they are hitting they need a moment to calm down. "you need to take a break and calm down, you are angry b/c xyz, but hitting is never okay, take a moment get your anger out and when you are ready to be kind/gentle etc come back and hang out" and then remove from the situation.

kinda of a "time out" but really a moment to calm down, which is what a time out should be and self regulated. Letting them return to the group when they are ready.

This is what we do with ds (who doesn't hit/push much, but does get into it with his bff) and what we do at the preschool co-op ds goes to/I work at.

sometimes the kids kick and scream and cry (because they are angry about whatever) then when they get it all out they come back to the group. many of the kids (who hit/push more often) will self regulate their break really well, they'll look over at a teacher/parent and we'll ask "are you ready to be kind/gentle etc?" and some will say "no I'm still angry" "Its okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit, when you want to come do xyz witout hurting people come on."

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

But I guess with children his age, they won't listen or really hear you until they are calm and not upset anymore.

I think that's true of any person of any age! Highly emotional moments are not teachable moments.

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

Thanks for the thoughtful, helpful replies.
At home I probably would have done the same thing, but not been so bothered by his hitting, I probably would have just told him not to hit. That's another problem I have, when we are around others, I always feel like they are thinking "why is she letting him do that?" I have to stop caring about that.

It's hard, but true. If you say "don't hit, be gentle" and take him out of the room, you're dealing with hit. I think it's also hard for a child to be disciplined in front of others. Dd gets horribly embarrassed. So, removing her from the situation is better than staying there.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by mommy22boys

So I have read many Gentle Discipline books and I understand and agree with everything, but I never know what to actually do in specific situations. I guess it takes practice?

We are at my parents' house, they live in another city and 3 yo DS is very excited to be here. So he was leaning on a screen door, and I came and took him off the screen after saying "DS don't lean on it!" The screen is lose and I didn't want him to fall on his face outside. He got really really mad, and started hitting me . I just said "I'm sorry but I just didn't want you to fall and get hurt, because the screen could come off and you would have fallen on your face." I said it nicely and lovingly. And he just screamed as loud as he could in my face, still really angry and trying to hit me some more.
I don't know, maybe I embarrassed him, my mom and sister were there.... What would you have done when he started hitting you and got really mad like that?

I think you did just fine. I might have used the word "dangerous" before saying anything else, but our DD, 4.5 years old, knows that word means the situation is inflexible. I think other peoples suggestion to take him away from everyone else to calm down a moment could help too. I might have taken DD for a short walk by ourselves. 3 is really an emotional age for some kids and I don't think parents can prevent outbursts. I think it's more effective to talk about things when they are calm, but you have to say something in the moment too and what you said was fine. I usually ignore everyone else around us when disciplining DD. DD gets embarrassed if things happen in front of other people, including getting hurt.

[mommy22boys]

Thanks so much everyone!

[mommy22boys]

Originally Posted by ssh

I think you did just fine. I might have used the word "dangerous" before saying anything else, but our DD, 4.5 years old, knows that word means the situation is inflexible. I think other peoples suggestion to take him away from everyone else to calm down a moment could help too. I might have taken DD for a short walk by ourselves. 3 is really an emotional age for some kids and I don't think parents can prevent outbursts. I think it's more effective to talk about things when they are calm, but you have to say something in the moment too and what you said was fine. I usually ignore everyone else around us when disciplining DD. DD gets embarrassed if things happen in front of other people, including getting hurt.

Good idea to have a word that she knows means stop. Maybe I should start that with my DS so he knows I'm not being mean, just that it's a dangerous situation.
My DS gets embarrassed too if I discipline him in front of others, so I do try not to and then at the same time I'm worried that who ever is around is wondering why I'm not doing anything. But I care more about DS's feelings than what others think, so like I said, I'm not going to let that bug me anymore.
Thanks you again