Help with boys!

[floiejo2]

So my friend is desperately asking for advice and I'm not sure what to tell her. She has a mixed family of 5 children, 2 girls, 3 boys. Her two stepsons physically fight constantly. Like one will take the other's toy, the other will then push the first one down, then they start punching, hitting, kicking...She is at a loss of what to do with them.

I suggested what we do in our house (of two very sweet caring girls) which is sit down and have a talk about what happened and how that made each child feel. Usually just hearing the sadness or frustration in each others voices has the other one wanting to apologize. If they're still mad they usually need to spend a little time away from each other. But then again, this doesn't really happen that often. Not sure if it's just because mine are girls or naturally very mothery/caring?

I've recently watched a friends children. Two of them were boys and I can say I was very surprised at their seemingly need for physical roughness. They just wrestled and beat up on each other all day long. My friend says that she's tried everything she can think of including the talking it out, time outs, taking privledges away, and even resorted to spanking them this morning (which she felt absolutely horrible about) but was just sooo strung out and at a loss.

So anyone have suggestions that I can give her to try? Thanks so much!

[kcparker]

I am reading Siblings Without Rivalry, and that would be a good book rec. for her. One thing that I remember from it that I am filing away for future reference is to ask the kids, "Are you play-fighting, or do we need to break it up?" Sometimes it's just mutually agreed-upon WWF wrestling play. If it's a for-real fight,
1. Physically separate them.
2. Let both sides tell their story.
3. Have them suggest solutions, and maybe suggest some yourself. If it's a possession dispute, they can take turns, put it away, agree to give it back to the rightful owner, trade for something the other one finds acceptable, switch to a new game, go into separate rooms, whatever they come up with.
4. Have them shake on it when they are in agreement about their conduct and let them resume playing. If they can't agree on a path forward together, then they will have to play in separate spaces.
It takes more time and energy for the parent, but eventually, they will be trained to talk between themselves without needing a referee present.

I think boys are more rough and physical, so I'd also say to make sure they have an outlet for their energy - go play at the park, go to the pool, sign them up for soccer camp, buy an indoor trampoline/rebounder for them to jump on, make an obstacle course in the house, do a dance marathon, etc. Some of our friends signed their boys up for tae kwon do lessons, and let me tell you, Master Jun indoctrinates them with the notion that fighting is only to be used as a last resort. Tae kwon do is about training the MIND and fostering self-disicpline. He will even ask them if they are using their moves outside the dojo, and the answer had better be, "No, Master Jun!" Sometimes it helps to hear it coming from somebody other than mom, I guess.

The other thing I read in some anthropology book is that men bond by going through experiences together, whereas women bond by talking. You can foster closeness for the boys by setting up experiences for them where they have to work as a team - boy scouts, geocaching excursions, go on a day-long rails to trails bike ride, take them on camping and hiking trips, play night-time games like capture the flag or flashlight tag at a local park, set up us-against-them situations with adults (team games), have nights when it's their turn to plan and cook dinner (with adult help/supervision if necessary), encourage them to make a comic book or animated movie or put on a play if they are creatively inclined.

One of my friends said that when he was about 9 or 10 and beating up his sister, his mom took him aside and said, "Roger, some day, your father and I will be dead and your sister will be your only family. You need to treat her well." For some reason, it worked, and he stopped being mean to her.

[Marsupialmom]

I would suggest she do some reading

The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian

and

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon

Depending on their age, they might not have the verbal skills giving words helps. I agree with KCparker.

[mom2grrls]

How old are the boys? Most boys like to roughouse and I wouldn't have a problem with just general fun. Perhaps roughousing can only be done with dad, maybe you need to find some activities that work out that extra energy. Punishing, consequences, etc. aren't going to take that energy that boys seem to have away. my son loves the roughousing stuff so much.

[Alyantavid]

Have her read Raising Cain and set some ground rules.

I couldn't understand the need to fight/wrestle/be physcial that my boys seem to have until I read that book. Now they can do it, but with some rules to make sure everyone's safe and actually enjoying themselves.