Made the first step... albeit small

[mbtmom2000]

I just made the first step in changing the hell that I have been living for so long. I've been considering separation from h for a long time now. I need to go. I have to remove my children from this toxic household. So I called the mgr of our apt complex for a meeting today to see if she would let me out of the lease by allowing me to A) transfer to a smaller/more affordable apt in the complex. We have a 3/2 right now and it's the largest and most expensive floor plan. I think we would be fine for now with a 2/1 or 2/2. I have a 7 ds and 9 yr old dd. or B) let me out of the lease completely without having to pay the fees. I prefer the first as it keeps me in the same area and dc in the same schools. Financially, this would be the best choice.

My h is an alcoholic. I cannot live like this anymore. I have tried to make this work but he refuses to get help. The last straw was last night.... he threatened to punch me in the face. He has never been physically abusive so that was a shock. Then to make matters worse, once he sobered up , he did not even remember it. This lifestyle is so disruptive to the children. Thankfully, they are at Grammy's out of town this week.

Please send good vibes that I can come up with a workable solution with the mgr. IF this works out, I can move out. He won't move out. He is an a------ like that.

Thanks for reading...

Dawn

[doubledutch]

dawn, congratulations on taking that first step! it's not small. *starting* is the hard part, and soon the steps will just follow, one after another, with momentum of their own.

i strongly recommend talking with a local domestic violence shelter to find out what your legal rights are in this case. threatening to punch you is domestic violence. it is enough to get a restraining order / order for protection. in most (if not all) places it is also enough to let you out of a lease, and the fact that you want to stay within the same complex is very nice for your landlord.

when it's time to move, you can have someone from the police department on site for safety. it might not sound necessary, but people can go way further than you imagined when they get desperate.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yes, please consult with a local DV shelter. Threats of violence are often precursors to actual violence, and the trigger can be a highly emotional event...like a separation or the departure of one's children.

If I were you, I'd file a report with the police. Threats of violence are taken very seriously, and the fact that he actually said what he did is worrisome. You may think it's overkill, but just having the report in place starts a papertrail in case he does anything later on. Then they can't turn around and say "well, you should have reported his behaviour sooner".

As the ex-spouse of an alcoholic I truly sympathize with you. Have you considered going to Al-Anon to get some much needed support for yourself? Though your children are quite young, there may be some age-appropriate literature for them in Al-Ateen. where a parent's addiction is concerned, keeping the lines of communication open is key. Talk to any ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic), and they repeatedly mention the family's inability to discuss the large elephant in the room: their parent's alcohol addiction. Everyone knows and no one says a thing.

I'd also heartily recommend you speak with an attorney and ask questions relevant to your situation (such as, will my alkie stbx be able to have supervised visitation of our children?). It'll help you get your bearings.

I think your "small" step is rather monumental. It takes courage to leave an alcoholic spouse!

[oliversmomma]

i don't have any advice as i am newly going thru a similar situation myself. but i do have lots of hugs for you momma! hang in there, it sounds like you are doing what is right and best for you and your kiddos. this is a huge leap in the right direction.

[Theia]

When I left an abusive relationship I was allowed to terminate the lease without penalty due to the landlord/tenant laws in my state. I had to show some sort of legal proof that I was exiting the relationship, and it wasn't safe to continue to live there. If you go file a police report or get and RO/OoP against your stbx, that would probably be enough proof to get you out. I only knew about this law because my DV shelter worker researched it and then even printed it out so that I was able to say, "It's the law" when the landlord tried to negotiate with me at first.

Best wishes and stay strong. Please seek help at a DV shelter. They are wonderful resources for women leaving abusive relationships.

[mbtmom2000]

Update

I just got back from talking to the manager and I feel so much better. I am going to transfer without any penalty or fees (transfer, deposit, etc) to a smaller apartment. I won't be saving as much money as I thought though as the complex has renovated all of the units. But, she is working with me and offered a special rental rate that is saving me about $150/month just on rent. Plus, I will be saving on electric, cell phone, car ins, and health insurance as I carried him on mine. So that will help. I feel like a load has been lifted off of me. I keep telling myself that can do this... I have to do this.

Thanks for all of the replies. I feel so supported and I appreciate the encouragement. I am going to respond to them in a little while.

Dawn

[mbtmom2000]

Originally Posted by Theia

When I left an abusive relationship I was allowed to terminate the lease without penalty due to the landlord/tenant laws in my state. I had to show some sort of legal proof that I was exiting the relationship, and it wasn't safe to continue to live there. If you go file a police report or get and RO/OoP against your stbx, that would probably be enough proof to get you out. I only knew about this law because my DV shelter worker researched it and then even printed it out so that I was able to say, "It's the law" when the landlord tried to negotiate with me at first.

Best wishes and stay strong. Please seek help at a DV shelter. They are wonderful resources for women leaving abusive relationships.

Thank you Theia for this information. I am going to do this. Also, I was unaware about the law about breaking the lease. I will look into that.

Dawn

[mbtmom2000]

Originally Posted by oliversmomma

i don't have any advice as i am newly going thru a similar situation myself. but i do have lots of hugs for you momma! hang in there, it sounds like you are doing what is right and best for you and your kiddos. this is a huge leap in the right direction.

Thank you Mama! I am sorry about your current situation. Hugs to you!

[mbtmom2000]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Yes, please consult with a local DV shelter. Threats of violence are often precursors to actual violence, and the trigger can be a highly emotional event...like a separation or the departure of one's children.

If I were you, I'd file a report with the police. Threats of violence are taken very seriously, and the fact that he actually said what he did is worrisome. You may think it's overkill, but just having the report in place starts a papertrail in case he does anything later on. Then they can't turn around and say "well, you should have reported his behaviour sooner".

As the ex-spouse of an alcoholic I truly sympathize with you. Have you considered going to Al-Anon to get some much needed support for yourself? Though your children are quite young, there may be some age-appropriate literature for them in Al-Ateen. where a parent's addiction is concerned, keeping the lines of communication open is key. Talk to any ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic), and they repeatedly mention the family's inability to discuss the large elephant in the room: their parent's alcohol addiction. Everyone knows and no one says a thing.

I'd also heartily recommend you speak with an attorney and ask questions relevant to your situation (such as, will my alkie stbx be able to have supervised visitation of our children?). It'll help you get your bearings.

I think your "small" step is rather monumental. It takes courage to leave an alcoholic spouse!

Sorry that you have gone through this too!

I feel bad that it has taken me this long to make a decision. I have just been so afraid of failure. H constantly reminds me that I will fail with out him and would regret my decision. However, staying makes me quite ill in my spirit and I feel sad all of the time. I am going to see an attorney next week.

The horrible thing about this whole situation is that I am a child of an alcoholic. I feel so much guilt and shame that I married one. However, he was a teetotaler when we met and married. He never drank until about 10 years into the marriage and then I excused it because we had a late term loss of a triplet pregnancy. He stopped for about 4 years and then started about 5 years ago and has just spiraled out of control... telling me and the children we are the reason he drinks. He is resentful of the fact I went to school and got a BSN. I am working on my masters now and he demanded I quit because it is so stressful for him. WTH?

His behavior has escalated and I think I am just going to drop the whole conversation about leaving and just go. I told him a few days ago that he had 30 days before I left, so I am just going to leave it at that to protect myself.

I am going to look into AL-Anon. It seems like it would be helpful for me.

Thank you for writing!

Dawn

[mbtmom2000]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

dawn, congratulations on taking that first step! it's not small. *starting* is the hard part, and soon the steps will just follow, one after another, with momentum of their own.

i strongly recommend talking with a local domestic violence shelter to find out what your legal rights are in this case. threatening to punch you is domestic violence. it is enough to get a restraining order / order for protection. in most (if not all) places it is also enough to let you out of a lease, and the fact that you want to stay within the same complex is very nice for your landlord.

when it's time to move, you can have someone from the police department on site for safety. it might not sound necessary, but people can go way further than you imagined when they get desperate.

Thank you for writing and for your advice. I will be talking to the local DV and will involve the police if necessary.

Dawn(who doesn't know how to multi-quote)

[*MamaJen*]

That is so great that you are taking steps to protect yourself and your babies from abuse and addiction. It's the single best thing you can do for the family.
You are so, so, so smart to leave at the first threat of violence. Abuse almost always escalates.
Please keep on listening to that instinct that is protecting you. I think it's pretty safe to say that your STBX is going to actively try to prevent you from leaving. He'll likely start saying everything that he possibly can to change your mind. In general, in a situation like this, abusive guys use what I call the "slot machine tactic" to try to stop you from leaving. They basically just start talking, saying whatever they think you might want to hear, and they don't stop until they hit on the one thing that convinces you to give them another chance. The key is to not even let that conversation start.
Please stay strong, and remember that you are doing the right thing. You know he is going to try to derail the divorce -- don't let him.
Also, as a past partner of an alcoholic, I found it incredibly helpful to read books like "Codependent no More" and "Women Who Love Too Much."
I wish your post count was high enough to join us over in the surviving abuse forum -- it's such a great place for support.

Oh, also, I know it feels drastic, but it would be really smart to make a report of the verbal threat. It basically starts a file, and it documents the incident. It's just something you can do to help yourself stay safe. It also helps you draw a hard line -- it's basically you saying that it's not okay for someone to threaten you with physical violence. If you don't draw that hard line, it just keeps getting pushed further and further out.

Please keep posting and reaching out for support. We're on your side.

[Super~Single~Mama]

It's great that you are leaving. My concern is that if you are in the same complex as your ex (is he going to move? He's not going to like it!) he will know where you are, and it will be easy for him to keep tabs on you and your children. I would move across town so that its harder for him. My state also has a law that if you have an order of protection your landlord HAS TO let you out of your lease - its how I got out of mine.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yay for being able to move and for lower rent!! WHOOHOOO!

Since you're going to be geographically close to your STBX, I'd make damn sure the new apartment is secure with new locks and windows that can be well secured from the inside (don't forget to block any patio doors too). You want to be sure that he doesn't just decide to "drop in" one night to "talk".

And yes, please call the non-emergency number of the police and file a report on his threat. Get the papertrail started. It doesn't take much time but can totally save your butt later on *if* things get out of hand, which they easily can in situations such as yours.

[mbtmom2000]

He will be moving out of the complex. He cannot afford to stay. However, I did go and view another apt today that I may rent instead of staying here. The lady is supposed to let me know next week if I get the apt. This apt is in the basement of her home (complete remodel last year)and is perfect for me and the children. The issue is finances right now. If I move into another apt here I just start paying rent. The new one requires first and last months rent. I can do it but it is going to make things difficult financially. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to avoid not being able to support these children on my own.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Be careful of moving into a basement. Make sure it is a legal apartment, and that the laws in your state allow people to rent basements.

If its not a legal apartment, you may not be able to keep your kids there (ie, you might lose custody). If there are not ample fire escapes/windows in the bedrooms, etc, that would indicate that its not a legal apartment. Check with a lawyer.

[mbtmom2000]

Well, I did not get the basement apt. The lady decided to rent it to a single person with no dc or pets. I mean I get that but I am way disappointed. I almost cried when I got the message.

H has been making my life a living hell this week. I cannot wait to get out. All he does is threaten and manipulate.... now he won't care for the children while I work on the weekends if I leave. I asked my manager about switching from weekends to week days but I am not sure there are any openings right now.

[MissLotus]

I'm really sorry the apartment didn't work out. But getting away from this man and being legally protected will take more than simply moving out, so another positive step forward you can do right now is to consult with a lawyer who does family law, to ask questions about your rights and how to go about things. Because when you are legally separated/divorced, he will have no right to come into any place you live - it won't just be a line in the sand, it will be a real boundary.

Please don't listen to the garbage your ex spews about "failing without him". There cannot be a big enough for that. Like "success" would be staying in an abusive relationship? You were a whole person before you even knew he existed, and you will continue to be a whole person after he's gone. I'd rather "fail" alone than to be in a miserable, abusive relationship.

And yes, do file the police report. Your h does not even have to know about it, if you request that they do not take any action on it unless you request them to. You can tell them you simply want to file the report while you decide how to proceed.