i need some support

[oliversmomma]

i haven't posted in this forum before, but i've been around MDC for a long time. i recently left an abusive marriage, with a nearly 3year old and one on the way (i found this out as i was packing and planning to move. oi!) STBX is military and will be back from deployment in a few weeks, DS and i have moved to another state. STBX knows we are gone and where we are. this isn't much of my issue.

where we are living, is a house that relatives own, so i am very very lucky that we are being taken care of. i only have to pay utilities, no rent. i think we will stay here until the newest LO is a few months old.

my issue is that my family doesn't understand or agree with a lot of my parenting choices. i am really concerned that when i go into labor, that DS3 will have a very difficult time because they won't "parent" him the way he is used to. obvioulsy they can't nurse him to sleep, but he will not be in a family bed, etc the whole time i'm in the hospital. i'm scared it will be really hard on him, added to him just having been uprooted, not seeing his dad, etc. so much so fast!

i am also having issues that i feel totally emotionally unsupported by my family. they live right next door and down the street, so it is even harder.... they don't ask how we are doing. i kind of feel like they are avoiding me in fact; and my family is more of a sweep things under the rug and buck up kind of family. argh. they never mention my pregnancy and seemed almost pained to talk about it the few times i've brought it up at all.

i just feel very alone. i am getting a doula for the birth, but i still am sad that i won't have anyone i love with me. i did ask a close family member to be there and she said "if i can". that stung pretty badly. sigh.


i do have other family members that are being more supportive, but they live an hr away and even they don't understand my parenting, so DS will still have difficulty there.

i think it's all compounded by living next door to family. when i see them everyday, their lack of support seems so much bigger i guess.

thank you for reading this far LOL! i just needed to get it out and maybe get some words of encouragement about how to deal with them...or even to not deal with them.

[Momtwice]

My advice is to build a network of people and organizations to support you, rather than counting on just one (or a small number.)

I know what it's like to have family who aren't emotionally very giving. I would find other places for emotional support. For instance if you find low cost or free counseling in your new town, or maybe a religious congregation/pastor of some kind.

It's hard work building your network of people to help you and it takes time, but it's so important as a single mama.

Maybe you could find support group for attachment parents or La Leche League in your new area.

[Halfasianmomma]

I also found support at the local Nourri-Source meetings (Québécois breastfeeding group), as well as at a local mama-baby café. They also posted a lot of community activities that were cheap, accessible and had childcare. I went to story time at the library, play time at a local church, mama-baby salsa, etc. I made all my "alternative mama" friends there. And of course, MDC saved my life

[PoppyMama]

Verbal children are really capable of learning that different people can do things differently but still with love.

[oliversmomma]

thank you for reminding me to look outside for support. that was really helpful and gave me a much needed lift!

after being in an abusive and emotionally controlling marriage for 7years, i have kind of forgotten that there is a *world* out there! while i am sad that my fam isn't giving me everything i need from them, i think much of this is simply a reflection of myself. being sad about the ways i allowed myself to be changed in a toxic situation, and now i can really see it all very clearly. i still wish they would ask me how i am doing, but i really am truly very grateful for the things that they *have* given me.

and poppymama, i think i just needed to hear that from someone else...i was kind of thinking it but you know sometimes hearing someone else say it makes it better.

gee whiz, i am such a mess. but this is a *good* mess. i wouldn't go back to that *bad* mess for anything.

[mamaoftwopeas]

Here's my *somewhat similar* experience. I have a daughter who is 5, son is 2. We were still living with my husband, but he was either in the hospital with me (a bit) or out doing things, and my daughter pretty much stayed with neighbors, who have a very different way of doing things. Also, my son had health problems and spent 11 days in the nicu (we lived in NJ at the time) and my parents flew out from CA and took my daughter back with them for two months (which was incredibly hard). My parents have a slightly different way of doing things. My daughter actually quite enjoyed herself. There was no cosleeping, nursing, etc, and that's what she had been used to. But she really had a good time. You might be surprised at how well your ds does, especially since you will be apart for what I'm sure will be a much shorter time.

[Mama Soltera]

There are a lot of free doulas out there, because they're still getting their training. I think, rather than having friends/family who are unsupportive of you there, it would be better to have extra very supportive people there only. So, in your situation, without a partner there, I think it could be very beneficial to have two doulas. A main doula (who is the one you're hiring/paying) and an extra doula (for just extra help and support).

I also agree with getting hooked up with LLL as soon as possible. Especially if you start attending now you could build up a support group who will bring you meals and help out with your older child after you give birth.

It is hard to make the transition from a long term abusive relationship to a single mother. Be kind to yourself, be patient, stick to your guns, and remember that it can take time and is a gradual process to start a new life and redefine you. Best of luck to you. hugs

[One_Girl]

Your hospital may have some resources and you may be able to find a mom group that has support for new moms. The one in our area does dinners for new moms for a week or so and you just commit to helping out in the same way later down the road. Take things one day at a time and try not to worry about your son. If your family is loving and kind then things that are a little different shouldn't be that much of an issue. He may be more put out by a new sibling than by not co-sleeping with grandparents and they may take more of a role once the baby is ready to come and they get time to get to know their grandkid.