Anyone quit grad school to SAH?

[pinoke]

Hello. I am new to the forums and happy to be here!

I am currently enrolled as a PhD grad student and have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. In the 4 months since I returned to my assistantship at school, I have been gradually distancing myself from the program more and more and am on the brink of quitting altogether.

Mostly, I love being home with my daughter. I never even considered that being a SAHM would be appealing to me...I have been blindsided by how much I love motherhood (which is a good thing!). And, in all honesty, I was feeling very ambivalent about grad school well before my DD hit the scene.

Anway, I am curious if there are other SAHM out there who made a similar choice? If so, any regrets? I have a feeling that I would never look back, but it's always hard to tell before you're there... Would be interested in other's experiences. Thanks!

[Plaid Leopard]

My first son was born a month or so into my PhD program. I had gotten a MA in French and had loved the courses, the professors, writing my thesis - the whole experience really.

I realy struggled with my courses after my son was born. I just couldn't concentrate, and I no longer enjoyed it. I realized that I didn't want to pursue a career in academia and I really wanted to SAH.

I quit midway through the second semester but let family and DH convince me to go back after a week or so. I was miserable, but planned to stick with it.

A week into my 3rd semester I quit for good and never looked back. I felt guilty for a while. I knew I had made the right choice for me but I felt like I had really let my parents down, and it sometimes I felt like a failure being "just a mom".

Occasionally I think that I should have perservered but I love being home with my kids and homeschooling them. I now have 3 more children and my dream is to become a midwife when they are a bit older. I still read and learn and study topics that interest me but I don't regret not having those letters behind my name.

Good luck with your decision.

[hotmamacita]

Stay home, love your baby...academia will always be there. Your baby will not.

Follow your heart, mama! It is worth it.

[mambera]

I regret finishing my PhD even though I *didn't* have any children at that time. Bunch of years out of my life that I'll never get back.

I'd say, think long and hard about what you want to get out of your PhD and what kind of future you will be facing when it is done. Talk to recent grads from your program and see what they think about the field and their prospects within it.

If academia is where you want to be and you have the drive and tenacity to be in that small percentage who make it, then by all means stick with it.

If it's just about finishing "to finish" and get those letters after your name, I'd say drop it like a hot potato and get on with your life.

[Liliana]

I quit my PhD program after my daughter was born and I'm quite happy at home with my two kids now. A close friend had a baby at the same time, stuck with it, had a second child, got her PhD and now works full time. She is quite happy too. Grad school can have more flexibility than other jobs for mothering, but as another poster said Grad school is something you can go back and experience later, your child's babyhood is gone in a flash. If staying home will work for you financially and you think you will enjoy it, try it out.

[candycat]

Well, I'm officially a SAHM. But some semesters I take classes online towards my Master's. Other semesters, I don't. It depends on how needy the kids are (they're still little) and whether we can swing the tuition. I am doing it very part-time, but thankfully the program is SUPER flexible so I can do this without compromising my academic standing.

[boysmom2]

I found out I was pregnant with my oldest right after I finished my first class in an MPH program. We decided I would quit both my full-time job and school to stay home. While I couldn't have imagined not being with my ds, it was a difficult adjustment. Literally less then 2 months before I found out I was expecting, DH and I decided I would finish my MPH and apply to med school. When I finished all of that, we would start having babies and dh would be the SAHP. It's now 8 years later and I'm SO glad we made the decision that we did. Turns out I'm not missing not being a doctor and I'm totally happy being home with my 3 boys and I'm hoping to homeschool this fall. Maybe someday I will go back to be a lactation consultant (I'm now an LLL Leader), doula, and/or midwife. But right now, I'm very happy. I agree with the pps who said that school/work will always be there, but your babies are only babies (and young children) for a very short time. One thing that helps me to put it all in perspective is this: when I'am very old and looking back over the life I've lead, what will I be proud of? Would I be more proud of a bunch of letters after my name? Or am I going to be proud of all the seemingly mundane moments that I got to spend living and learning with these amazing little souls I've been blessed with? I mean, scraping poop out of cloth diapers and making pb&j sandwiches yet again is certainly not glamourous, but that's when you get all those great amazing little moments that you otherwise would have missed. No regrets here!

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I quit for a semester, knowing that I'd go back as soon as I could. And I did. It took me longer (way longer) to finish, but I'm really really glad that I did. Like others who say that you have to think about what you really want, I'll agree that it's a potentially permanent decision to opt out of academia at this stage -- for better or for worse, whether you intend it to be or don't. I think about this article ALL.THE.TIME. Since I'll be 40 in a few months (I "took off" the early years being a chef .), I worry that I'll never get tenure, and I want it.

The main reason I point out the above article is that I think academia is different than other careers in that leaving for a little while really does, often, mean leaving forever. It's not simply a matter of zipping out and zipping back in to the same track (they move the track!).

If I were any good at being a SAHM, if it were something I really wanted, like the members of this board (and, don't get me wrong, many days I wish that I were suited for it, talented enough at being at home, to do it), then I'd quit and never look back.

Best of luck on your decision.

[cyclamen]

I know that getting a PhD is very different from getting an MA, so my experience may not apply.

I am, however, very glad that I went ahead and finished my MA after my daughter was born. I had finished all my coursework, had quit my assistantship, and just given up on my thesis. But after she was born I decided it was important to me to finish. I stopped being so hard on myself about producing "fantastic" work and set out to do something that was just good enough. After a number of revisions, good enough turned out to be something I could be proud of. I now have my MA and am doing some freelance work from home. Even though my MA is in literature, and for some time I felt very cynical about it helping me find work, I think that having the degree helps me keep some options open for work that I want to do down the line, when my daughter and other potential future babes are older.

Good luck in your decisions!

[pinoke]

Thank you everyone for your input and stories! I think my decision was made before I posted, but it always helps to hear other people's experiences and know I'm not alone.

I spoke with my advisor and let him know my intent to leave at the end of the summer. Just to give you all a little more background...my PhD was to be in Environmental Health. I finished my coursework this year, and had begun teaching a couple of undergraduate courses. Was still in the process of getting my dissertation research plan together and had not yet formed a committee.

Like I said, I have been feeling very ambivalent about this for awhile. I have actually been very unhappy 2 out of the 3 years in the program. I will admit that I really did enjoy the teaching, but am not a young student, 40 to be exact, and don't really feel the drive that I would need to make a go of a career in academia. (Thanks, BTW, for the article.)

One of the pp mentioned not wanting to disappoint family, etc. I will have to admit that this is probably what kept me in the program so long.

So, while having a baby is not what made me want to leave, it has been the clincher. It just no longer seems worthwhile to slog through a situation that I am unhappy in, especially when it means spending more time away from my child.

Incidentally, since I have entertained the idea of leaving school, a number of doors have opened for limited WAH opportunities...one with an old employer. So, with new parenthood and some interesting WAH prospects, I feel like I am moving towards something good...

[MamaPhD]

I have a PhD and currently staying at home with my DD pregnant with #2. As soon as #2 is in school 5 days a week (probably 3-4 years old?) I am going back to work, because I really have a unique set of qualifications and expertise in my field that I'd like to use in the long term. But I also didn't want to miss out on my kids babyhood, so gave myself a five year maternity leave (i,e, quit my job post PhD) and took a hit on my career. No regrets though. :-)

I feel both people who have quit (PhD is just some letters!) and people who got their PhD (It's not just ANY degree, PhD is a lifetime achievement!) are happy with their decision, which in itself is interesting. I was going to ask how many years you have left, since if you're almost done, might as well finish it. If you are only a couple of years into it and don't even have a thesis, then the decision to quit is an easier one. I think it just goes to show we really know what we need in our life, don't we? So good luck with your choice!