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things just aren't going well...

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
I have so much going on right now.The worst of it being exh.He comes around often,and everything is a fight.He has unlimited visitation with the kids as long as he is sober.I'm in the process of changing this,but until I do,I have to let him see the kids whenever he wants.He's homeless so this is all day,and I just can't take it anymore.

I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed most days.Exh just gets pissed at me for sleeping,says he has to do everything,when he doesn't.I'm rarely sleeping,just laying there.I get up when the kids need me.I talk to them.Ds will come and sit on the bed and play.I just hate that I feel so bad all the time.My kids deserve better than that.I pick up the house,but it's by no means perfect.

I'm thinking of hurting myself more and more.I've self injured most of my life and I thought I was done after I ended up in the hospital last year,but it's all I can think about sometimes.I do not want to die,I want to live,badly.I feel like I am not living,just surviving.

I panic over everything.To the point where my chest hurts and I can't breathe.I actually have breathe tattooed on my wrist to remind me to.It really sucks.I feel like it's hard to go anywhere(I force myself to for the kids).

I do see a therapist but all she ever talks about is the kids and exh.I can't tell her how I'm feeling.There is just not enough time in my appointments,and now that I have to take dd and ds with me,it's worse.They wait out in the waiting room(it's a nice waiting room with toys and games) and I can hear them,so I'm afraid they can hear me.I don't want them to know about this.

I just needed to vent a little.I wish I could cry but i can't.I'm on a ton of meds(abilify,welbutrin,klonopin,seroquel and lamictal,maybe I'm on too many,I only take the seroquel and klonopin when I feel like I'm going to panic).Ds wants the computer so I'm done now.Thanks so much for reading.
post #2 of 8

Sending good wishes your way.
post #3 of 8
oh mama, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that things will turn around for the better.
post #4 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thanks.I feel a little better today.
post #5 of 8
Prayers your way from me too. I know it can be hard but try to be honest to therapist. May you feel a little better each and every day. I totally know what you mean about surviving and not living. But it will get better!
post #6 of 8
Originally Posted by A&A View Post

Sending good wishes your way.
I am too!
post #7 of 8
muldey - I hope things are going a little better for you now. I just re-read this post since it was on my subscribed list and I'm glad I did because I want you to know that you are not alone and there's s lot of mamas that care about how you're doing post again and let us know how things are going ok? That part that you mentioned about not living just surviving in your first post really made me stop and think about my situation. I feel this way too a lot of times and it's sooo hard for me to break this mindset...but you CAN do it. Someone once told me, during a really tough time, to live minute to minute and try to enjoy everything because you don't get this precious time back. It was difficult but I tried to do just that and to live in the moment. Sending good vibes your way, mama and please do let us kno how you're doing

post #8 of 8
Thread Starter 
Things are going a little better,thank you.I've had a few bad days,ds has been having a hard time so I have too.He goes for an eval soon so we'll see what happens then.I also had a very bad visit with my lawyer for my SSI case.He thinks my case is going to be very hard to win.He knows the judge is a former prosecutor and is going to grill me and terrify me.So I am so scared for my hearing on Nov. 9th.I have to go see my lawyer's phsycologist and already that's scaring me.He called me yesterday very upset with me for missing an appointment I didn't know I had!No one called me and told me.So now I have to tell this man my life story on the 18th,and I am terrified.But hopefully it will help my case.At least I'm not thinking of self harm so much,but it's still there in the back of my mind.Thanks everyone for caring.
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