I Don't Much Like My Children

[mamarhu]

Can I say that? We are down to the wire. It turns out I will be accepting Permanent Legal Guardianship (rather than adoption; a long and frustrating story for another day and a glass of wine) for the two foster siblings who have been in my home. I should be thrilled, but I am not having fun. Behaviors have gotten worse since the kids got the news, and that is sort of to be expected. But that isn't really the problem. It only contributes because I am already so grouchy, toward the boy especially.

I could go on about what bugs me about him - arguing, lying, stealing, fighting - but I know that when I am doing better, I have patience for all that. I think this is a foster/adoptive thing, because I don't remember ever feeling this way toward the bios.

Any ideas what I can do to get back the warm and fuzzy feelings? Have others gone through these feelings? Do I just have cold feet; am I trying to talk myself out of committing to these kids?

[SundayCrepes]

I'm sorry that your journey and these children's journeys are so hard. I have not lived the life. I do have a friend who adopted her foster kids. Twelve years later and it is so hard on her. She worries constantly about the one boy. Will he ever have a friend? Will he do okay when he is grown? She talks about stuff that happens at home and I am amazed because I rarely see that side of him. (Typical RAD kid, I guess. Great with the neighbors but sucky with mom.) I know being a single parent has made it all harder.

Sending you good thoughts, vibes, and hopes.

[Polliwog]

First of all, I'm completely shocked that parental rights weren't terminated long ago. I've been following you here and at our other board for what seems like forever. I'm so sorry that you are going through a harder time than typical. Any chance that you can get away for a few days to try and get some you time? Have you considered asking for the boy to be moved? Are things that bad?

I have absolutely no useful advice but wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

[htcamommy]

I have no advice to give you and I am sure that you and the children are both going through a hard and emotional journey. I just wanted to offer on a slightly positive note that I have 2 step daughters, 3 children of my own one of who is 8 months old, and a new little bitty foster baby. Yesterday the non talking little ones were the only people in my house I could stand to be in the room with. Its perfectly normal to not like your kids every day. Or maybe I'm the oddball here.

[just_lily]

Do you have, or could you get, funding for respite care? That all sounds very hard. Maybe having some time away, even for a whole weekend if you could swing it, would help you work out your feelings.

[RedOakMomma]

Sending you s, and lots of them. I dislike my challenging children (one bio, one adopted) pretty regularly, and turn into Horrible Mom more than I'd like. It's sad, frustrating, and always hard to pull out of that orbit.

Sleep helps. Some time away with friends helps. Venting helps. Making myself act differently than I feel sometimes helps.

[tiffani]

wow, lots and lots of hugs to you and yours. I have certainly had days/phases with my challenging child when it would be accurate to say I didn't like him very much, but it helped to try to connect with him in a positive way -- even if it was watching him sleep. My heart goes out to you, especially because I'm not sure you have any real loving feelings for him to draw from when it gets hard. I'm sure that will come in time, with work and connection, if he's able, but for now, I agree with the respite care suggestion, if you can manage that.

[queenjane]

Im only one month into placement with my new daughter, and i totally get you. Totally. Whats so shocking to me, is that i didnt have any of these feelings during our preplacement visitation...we had so much fun, i indulged alot of her behavior (the begging, the wanting to be treated like a baby, the lying etc)...and the day she moved in, she stepped up all those behaviors and living with it 24/7, dealing with it all on a minute by minute basis is exhausting and frankly....i dont have warm fuzzy feelings anymore. And i feel awful about it because i'm the adult, i know the REASON for her behavior, i know its not her fault. I find myself getting passive aggressive with her, trying to do mental battle with her...not right of me. I suspect her issue is RAD and i had no idea how exhausting it is to parent such a child (and her behaviors are so MILD compared to many kids!) Sometimes i cringe when she calls me "mommy", because its so syrupy fake. She says "I love you mommy!" and i KNOW she doesnt mean it...and i would never expect her to call me "mom" or love me so soon, so why does she insist on saying it when i know she doesnt FEEL it?? And of course i say "i love you" back but i feel manipulated into doing so.

I think it would be so hard to parent TWO kids like my daughter so you get your saint award right there.

i know i have to find a way to get back to the fun we used to have together, because i dont like feeling like "the mean mom" all the time (i've turned sooo strict, which is NOT my nature, i'm the radical unschooling, eat what you want, stay up late kinda mom. Today i was thinking "maybe Joan Crawford's daughter had RAD, no one thought of THAT now huh??" seriously! ) From the minute she wakes up it changes the dynamic with the two little boys and im sick of all the fighting. I live for bedtime.

I guess i have no advice, just commiseration!

[mamarhu]

Sorry I didn't reply sooner - I worked a bunch of overtime (& then quit my job!)

It is hard to like the parent I have become to these kids. My older (bio) daughter said yesterday that it sounds like RAD boot camp around here. My fun, radical unschooling, non-adversarial parenting style sometimes seems like a dim memory.

I do get respite, and would have said I don't need a rest, but I just noticed how pleasant the morning was around here today. While I was working, my time with the family was mainly evenings, and yes, I was tired and crabby. So although I hope to find a job before long, maybe I can aim for something less draining. And enjoy a few days downtime.

I am SO-O-O-O discouraged about the permanent legal guardianship versus adoption issue. The birth mom relinquished on the twin sisters, but refused on my two. State is unwilling to go for TPR (money constraints?) and I feel I was bullied into accepting this. It is so wrong, in a dozen different ways. The upside is that I will continue to get services (therapy, respite) and subsidy that would be tighter in adoption.

Anyway, I am less tired so things look a bit cheerier. But I would still welcome suggestions on how to get back to having fun with the family.

[LROM]

Wow, I don't know what state you're in but I am completely puzzled by the refusal to go for TPR. Does the state have ANY hope the parents are going to pull it together? Why exactly are they saying they won't go for TPR?

As for your kids, I'd say you should either make more of the couseling you already have (do you get counseling too? or it's just for th ekids?) or maybe even change counselors.

It is totally common for foster kids to start seriously acting out as the forever hoped for/never dared dream of "permanency" actually starts looking like a reality. Your kids probably don't believe it's really going ot happen, they are probably terrified something will go wrong... it's really common for behavior to get worse as permanency approaches.

Also, how much do they know about the whole issue of adoption vs. guardianship? I only just read this thread so I don't know how old they are or your history, but have you talked to them about their feelings on the difference if they're old enough to be aware of it and understand it?

And you should probably have more support in what to expect re: behavior patterns with your kids. There are often cycles foster kids go through - not the same cycles but depending on their abuse/neglect history and also just the experience of being in different families, there are often really predictable behavior patterns. If you haven't already gotten some help in understanding those and having a better idea what you might expect from your kids, now is the time!

And do you go to any foster parents or foster-adopt parents support groups? That is another amazing resource that might help you feel much more normal.

And maybe they can also give you the name of a good lawyer because I think you're getting some bad or at least puzzling messages from your child welfare agency.

Best of luck and hang in there for those kids and yourself!

[sbrinton]

I think your feelings make sense given the situation you are in. I'm sorry it is hard.

Do you need to find another job right away? Or could you take at least a few weeks or a month here at the end of summer to just slow down? My kids are much more enjoyable in the morning when we don't have to rush off anywhere.

How do the kids do with one on one time? I wonder if finding some ways to connect with the kids individually doing fun stuff would help.

The other thing I would say is to just keep trying. Make everyday stuff fun and just try to enjoy whatever each moment holds.