Leaving toddler in stable home for a few months... - Page 3

[Mama Soltera]

Especially considering your daughter's age, I think this could be too damaging. Unless you feel you might hurt her, I would not consider this an option. I also agree that this could hurt you legally down the line (as far as your rights to your daughter go). This could be seen as abadonment and it is extremely difficult for parents to even get visitation after that. I believe it is very possible to get treatment while still parenting, especially if you have a support system where you are going. I wish you all the best with this. Take care.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

That does not sound like he is trying to guilt you, it sounds like he is looking out for his daughters well-being.

Any man that thinks his baby would be better off with some woman he shacked up with (he won't even be there!) than the baby's own mother is not working in the child's best interest. This baby does not need Spanish and sign language; she needs her mother.

[singin'intherain]

Miss Lotus, I agree. This isn't about what preschool to send her to.

OP, as a first time mother I was VERY sensitive to this kind of comparing cr*p. I was also very depressed, single, poor, lonely, and I had NO idea what I was doing as a mom. I was the first among my friends to have a baby, and I lived 2000 miles from my family. I would have done MUCH better in a supportive environment, and I wish I had gotten myself into one, but WITH MY BABY. The one thing I found out is that every mom is a work in progress. Babies and their mamas grow together on this journey, and that's the way it's supposed to be. Every parent grows through having children, even those who were really mature, stable and experienced with kids before they started.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you don't know what life is actually like inside someone else's family. If this were your sister or your best friend, you would have some way of knowing what kind of care your dd would be getting. But most people's lives look pretty together on the surface- and the reasons I've heard that this household is so much better than yours are very superficial. The main concern is that a strong, long term attachment to a primary caregiver is by far the most important thing for a child's well being. You are the best person to share that with her- you already do. Setting her up to weaken that lifeline for her, or to possibly lose custody, is very risky for her long term health.

[Plaid Leopard]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

Well don't take your dd with you out of a sense of duty. You need to decide what is best for her, if you are an unstable person then she needs to stay with your ex's GF.

Although I think the mama is the most important person in a childs life, this can work for or against the childs needs.

We have a child in our family circle who lives with her biological dad and step-mom. This is her bio-mothers choosing. Said child is a well loved and well taken care of person who has more stability here than with her mother.
I do feel sad for the mom to have had to be in the position to make the choice, but she made it out of love for her child. and of course she has free access to her daughter and may visit or take her dd for visits whenever she would like.

But the biological father is deployed in this case. It might be different if he were around, but he's not. Not to mention that the woman in question is not a stepmom, but the father's girlfriend. Very different scenario, IMO.

[funfunkyfantastic]

Now my ex is enlisting my mother's help! He's turning my own mother against me! I'm so mad I could just spit!

I am writing to you out of concern for [DD]. [STBXH] says you want to take her to Louisanna to live with you when you are done with your internship. I am wondering why you would want to relocate there when you have family here?
Can you explain why?
Then again, you are still married. And married or not, I think if a parent takes off out of state with a child without other parents permission, that you could be in trouble. If you MUST go to Louisianna, then may I suggest you go by yourself, find a good job and set up a place to live, find an available daycare before having [DD] join you. This is of course after you have a legal divorce. I hope you do not expect [STBXH] to finance your adventure. And [STBXH] after being divorced from you would have to agree to some kind of visiting rights. So far I am not sure if [STBXH] will fight to keep [DD] here. It would be better for her if you could come to an agreement with [STBXH] and leave her while you go check out Louisianna or any other state that tickles your fancy. Maybe you are feeling a desire to enjoy your life and experience places you have never seen. that is fine but that is not a life for a little child. Are you feeling tied down by having a child now...that there are things you might be missing out on now cus u r a parent? Sure, we all feel that. But please dear, place more consideration on the welfare of [DD], allow her a stable life where there is a support group of family, no matter how much you might miss her by being away from her. That is the more selfless way to go.

Love, Mom

[Theia]

Ugh..... I hope you don't let it bother you too much. A stable Mother is a very important aspect of a childs life.

[PGTlatte]

To me, your mother mostly sounds opposed to you relocating to the opposite side of the US, away from your local family, and possibly causing issues with custody/visitation in your divorce.

[Theia]

To me the letter sounds condescending and manipulative. And my understanding is that both parents have equal rights to children in a marriage unless legally stated otherwise. Leaving state with your child can and does sometime cause issues in court... but it depends on how much the two parents wish to fight.

allow her a stable life where there is a support group of family, no matter how much you might miss her by being away from her. That is the more selfless way to go.

Family can be described many ways. Is your family supportive of you OP? Do you have a healthy relationship with your local family? And the last sentence kinda sounds like she expects you to "go" as in walk away from your DD. It is not illegal or even always detrimental to be a single mother with no local family support. It depends very much on the family. A good supportive group of friends can be just as healthy for a child. Provided you aren't hooking up with friends that are into a party lifestyle or something that would be unsuitable for you as a single mother and your DD.

[an_aurora]

Legally speaking, if you and your STBX are still legally married, you leaving the baby with his GF would be the same as leaving her with a random stranger (child abandonment). I would find it hard to beleive he's NOT trying to manipulate you into legally abandoning her as a way to get custody. If you leave her, it might be very hard to get her back. Hugs mama, I know you are in a very difficult spot but I think you will not regret taking her.

[Aka mommy]

Just wanted to offer a child's point of view.

My mother was suffering severe ppd, couldn't even bond with me or nurse me and would let me cio for hours upon hours with what little interaction was left was my step dad holding me when he came home after 80 hour weeks and my 7 & 9 year old sisters loving on me. She had the option to let my bio dad raise me, but he agreed it was best for me to stay with my bio mom and family. Thank God he had that decency. While it was a rough go and took many years for me to understand what my mother went through and that it wasn't her fault that the ppd tore her apart, i am thankful that she and my step dad kept me.

Not the same, i know. But i couldn't help but respond. Is there no happy medium? Can you not take your dd back to the ex'es girlfriend for a weekend or week when things get extremely out of control and you need a break? Can you mother not support you and if things get too hard in regards to the ppd, you can take your dd there for a week or 2 for a break to reground yourself???

Many hugs, not an easy situation.

[hotmamacita]

Oh, I am horrified for you. Your husband seems mean and calculating.

I am going to be frank but here is what I would do. I would get uninvolved with the new boyfriend. I would get counseling for myself to support my own tender and engaged mothering. I would get better legal help. I would not leave the state until I was certain that there would be no accusations against me. I would not let my DD around the GF or her kids while my DH was gone.

I would also not speak to my mother. I would care for my DD and myself, 100% and I would legally force my husband to deal with reality of his actions - affair, manipulation, etc.

Your daughter needs YOU. Your heart, your tears, your kindness, your tenderness, your time, your playfulness...all of you. Much courage to you, mama. Your husband has and is putting you in a horrid situation. Do not allow him to steal your precious daughter from you. Support system or not, you are the only one who can protect your daughter right now. I believe in you.

[funfunkyfantastic]

My mom lives an hour away and rarely visits. She won't even help out with my daughter if I asked her too. It would be too much of a bother to her. My exes family doesn't have time for my daughter either. His mom lives 2 hours away and his dad never visits my daughter. My dad and his girlfriend are pretty busy but semi local and will let me drop by whenever but never actually come out to visit themselves. My youngest sister still lives with my dad too. So that's really the only "family" my dd knows around here. I just need some time away from this place to collect myself. Too many bad memories and too many people I can run into that i'd rather not see. I think my STBX gave my mom the impression that I was leaving to Louisiana forever. I am not, i'll only be there 6 or 7 months and then I am returning. My STBX wouldn't win anything in court since he will have been out of the country the entire time I am away, and I will return before he's even back. It's not like he is going to be able to see her anyway. When he gets back he'll see her, plain and simple. I don't see why he has to make this such a big deal. I'm leaving for 6 months to stay in a home, free of rent to relax away from the drama of my hometown. What I really need to get away from is the stress of just everything that's going on here where I live. I just want to get out away from all that and collect myself and gain some perspective, KWIM? It's not permanent, i'm not even taking much of my stuff with me, Just what me and DD need since i'll already have furniture, beds, etc there at the house. Yeah I could get local support here, but i'd still be around all the people that stress me out, and stress is what i'm trying to avoid right now.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

Oh, I am horrified for you. Your husband seems mean and calculating.

I am going to be frank but here is what I would do. I would get uninvolved with the new boyfriend. I would get counseling for myself to support my own tender and engaged mothering. I would get better legal help. I would not leave the state until I was certain that there would be no accusations against me. I would not let my DD around the GF or her kids while my DH was gone.

I would also not speak to my mother. I would care for my DD and myself, 100% and I would legally force my husband to deal with reality of his actions - affair, manipulation, etc.

Your daughter needs YOU. Your heart, your tears, your kindness, your tenderness, your time, your playfulness...all of you. Much courage to you, mama. Your husband has and is putting you in a horrid situation. Do not allow him to steal your precious daughter from you. Support system or not, you are the only one who can protect your daughter right now. I believe in you.

^This

All of it, from the new boyfriend to dealing with things appropriately in court. Based on what you say about going out of state, I think that if you trust it is in your (meaning you and DD) best interests, then follow through with it. You will be back in time for DD's father to see her again and hopefully in much better shape to do what needs to be done next. I believe in you and do think that you and your DD can do this and be better for it.

Also, if at all possible, get yourself into counseling, or even read books from the library to educate yourself on yourself. Please take this with the kindness it is offered and also from the experience of a woman who has walked some strange/difficult miles. Read about Co-dependency.... "Women Who Love Too Much" or "Co-Dependent No More" would be a good start. Sometimes being alone is the best thing we can do. You can be solely focused on yourself and your DD which is the greatest gift you can give both of you.

Keep in touch as you can and let us know how you and DD are getting on. My DD is only a few months older than yours, and I promise you, it is such a neat time and you won't want to miss the incredible changes.

[Super~Single~Mama]

So, I know that there can be legal ramifications to taking a child out of state, but your stbx is DEPLOYED. He can't see your dd right now even if he wants to - b/c of HIS choice of work. Thats HIS problem, not yours. (and theres no guarantee that he'll be living in that state forever either right? I mean he could get transferred to another base right?)

Get a legal consult, and then pick up your dd, and go.

[poppan]

Argh. That email from your mom just burns me. I'd be tempted to call her up and say [DD] never sees any family here anyway because none of you make any attempt to visit us or help out in any way. So [you] think it's more important that she be with her mother than with some phantom network of extended family that's there in theory but not in person. I wouldn't put it in writing because I'm afraid of how it might come back to bite me in the future or be used in court somehow.

I guess the more mature email back would be to acknowledge the concerns and try to look past all the barbs. Something more like:
Mom, thank you so much for your concern, family means more to me now than ever before as I'm going through this very difficult separation and divorce and I hope I can count on your support. STBXH seems to have suggested that I am thinking of relocating to Louisiana permanently; however, that is not the case. I have some great friends there who have offered to help me and have me stay with them for six months, and I'd like to take this chance to clear my head and get some perspective... I feel like it would be easier to do that while not being surrounded by constant reminders of life with STBXH. I wouldn't dream of going to Louisiana without DD. She is my number one concern and I would never dream of abandoning her with a legal stranger, even one as nice as STBXH's live-in girlfriend. STBXH will be deployed during this time anyway, so I will not be infringing on any of his parental visitation time (I would also not dream of doing that). DD will be with me and I feel that is the most important factor for a child this age, to be with their mother. Again thank you for bringing up these excellent questions, I will be sure to check with my attorney and make sure I am completely within the law before taking any action.
Love,
You

[Pirogi]

Originally Posted by poppan

Argh. That email from your mom just burns me. I'd be tempted to call her up and say [DD] never sees any family here anyway because none of you make any attempt to visit us or help out in any way. So [you] think it's more important that she be with her mother than with some phantom network of extended family that's there in theory but not in person. I wouldn't put it in writing because I'm afraid of how it might come back to bite me in the future or be used in court somehow.

I guess the more mature email back would be to acknowledge the concerns and try to look past all the barbs. Something more like:
Mom, thank you so much for your concern, family means more to me now than ever before as I'm going through this very difficult separation and divorce and I hope I can count on your support. STBXH seems to have suggested that I am thinking of relocating to Louisiana permanently; however, that is not the case. I have some great friends there who have offered to help me and have me stay with them for six months, and I'd like to take this chance to clear my head and get some perspective... I feel like it would be easier to do that while not being surrounded by constant reminders of life with STBXH. I wouldn't dream of going to Louisiana without DD. She is my number one concern and I would never dream of abandoning her with a legal stranger, even one as nice as STBXH's live-in girlfriend. STBXH will be deployed during this time anyway, so I will not be infringing on any of his parental visitation time (I would also not dream of doing that). DD will be with me and I feel that is the most important factor for a child this age, to be with their mother. Again thank you for bringing up these excellent questions, I will be sure to check with my attorney and make sure I am completely within the law before taking any action.
Love,
You

If it were me, I would just email my mom back, "Thanks for your concern." And then work on getting my life together, as best I could.