Emergency DYFS placement of kin

[tangible]

Five weeks ago DYFS called me and asked if I'd take my husband's grand-niece after they'd done an emergency removal. He was away, I said yes, they did background checks and she was at our house in 2 hours. She's 10. The mother has long term alcohol issues, the child and mother are very bonded, and my husband's entire family is either unable to care for her (age, other substance abuse issues) so we are the only ones. The dad has drug issues and in and out of the picture. Currently out.

Neither of us want to adopt. We thought this was short term - couple weeks to a month. As we gained more information and had to start the certification process, it's become so intensive and invasive in our home. The family doesn't seem to realize the magnitude of what we're doing, and the restrictive rules on who can see the child and why/why not. We've just found that it's now a minimum of 6 months with good changes of extension or relapse.

I am doing *everything* and it's at least half a day every day with people in and out of my house, doctor's visits, etc. My husband isn't doing anything to help except be PO'd at his family. His family is becoming resentful and antagonistic because they think the DFYS rules are BS. I am now the bad guy, and I'm not the blood relative. Our kids are out of the house. His family has been plagued by drugs, alcohol for generations. The grandmother still abuses prescription drugs and can't be trusted and isn't allowed to see the child without supervision - she resents this and causes trouble with everyone, including talking to the child about how unfair it all is, and how me and my husband are the problem. And she lies about what the child says and wants. Unfortunately, she lives with the only relative who will watch the child, but who is too old to take her. She and I have had two blow outs about her behavior where she denies being "out of it".

I will be honest - I can't do this and I don't want to do this. My marriage is rocky already and this is pushing me over the edge. Other issues just make this situation the LOG on the camel's back. We are quite capable in DYFS's eyes but we are the *only* option this child has before she would be placed in foster care.

My husband won't talk about it, but I know feels he has to "do the right thing for family." Well, this entire family has been a problem and he's bailed them out before. He resents this, has yelled at them, but he'll likely want to go through with it and assume I'm along for the ride.

I feel guilty about feeling this way, and also know I'll probably be hated if I speak up that I can't do this and she goes into stranger foster care. At other times in my life I could, but now is just a very bad time. My refusal to go any further, or to pull out if the 6 months are extended, could likely end my marriage. Which may not be a bad thing.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm hoping for some insight and if anyone has this experience. I've seen some posts that touch on resistance to take family members, but not this extreme.

Thank you.

[just_lily]

I don't have any advice, but couldn't read and not post. That all sounds very hard.

I would gently suggest that a child may be better off in foster care, rather than in a kinship placement that doesn't really want her while surrounded by family drama. But how to make that happen without affecting your marriage leaves me stumped. It sounds like a difficult spot to be in.

[RedOakMomma]

I agree...foster care may really be better. I hope you can find a peaceful way for your husband to recognize this. Part of his hesitation may be in some of the stereotypes of foster care and foster parents...could you still involve yourself in this child's life (with visits, or doing respite for the foster care family) in some way that would allow him to feel he's fulfilling a protective/family role for her, but without having her actually living in your home?

[Smithie]

You need to talk to your worker. Maybe it can be the WORKER's idea that your young relative is better off in a non-kinship placement, given the high level of family drama and the fact that your only respite caregiver lives in the same house as pill-poppin' granny. At least, your husband can have the option of presenting it that way to his family.

[tangible]

Smithie, RedOakMomma, just_lily,

Thanks for reaching out with your responses and support. It is a particularly hairy situation. I've been trying to play out scenarios in my head, and as serendipity goes, he happened to be home when a drama occurred - nothing bad, but involved negotiating pickup times, phone calls with the child and the caseworker over an hour or so. He was there for the whole thing, and I told him every day is like this. Random phone calls and micro-emergencies, and I carry two phones. And asked him to think about how he will handle this when I start a job that requires commuting out of state 4 days a week?

That allowed us to have a conversation about "what reality will be" and he actually started to think about us NOT being the best solution for her in the long term. I was very nervous to make this suggestion to him, and I also said that I was not willing to follow this out to adoption. He admitted he didn't want to raise another child either.

So, we are thinking of drawing a line in the sand at 6 months to see if mom can get her act together. And I'll talk with the case worker about our thoughts and ask for advice, but I want to give him time to think about what he "agreed to" with me before I go forward.

Wow. Maybe me just writing it out here and thinking how to say it helped me vocalize it. Thank you.

[tangible]

RedOakMomma - I believe I saw some of your thoughts on this topic in other posts while I was surfing here. That is a good suggestion - to let him know that we aren't LEAVING her life, and that we can still be here for respite and for holidays, etc. I hadn't thought of that. Thanks!

But no matter what, we ARE going to finish the state certification process, which is required to be completed in 90 days anyway. So we'd be approved for any transient situation.

[bella99]

I would talk to the worker about some sort of respite care to give you a break when you need it, and also, sadly, so that she gets used to alternative and non-kinship foster parents and caregivers.

If you draw the line at 6 months, and I understand why you might have to, and her mother doesn't have her act together, removal from your home and into non-kinship foster care, after 6 months of being with you everyday, will probably be especially difficult for her.

[Mgannon]

Don't give up yet. Every county in NJ has an advocate for foster, adoptive and relative care givers. If you call 1-800-222-0047, you will reach Foster & Adoptive FAmily Services, we are your foster parent association. ALL OF OUR SERVICES ARE FREE TO YOU. Tell the person who answers the phone that you want to speak to the advocate for your county. Your advocate can help you deal with DYFS, go to meetings/court with you, cangive you suggestions for dealing with problems, and be there when you need to vent! We are not DYFS, but have a contract with the state to provide help to you.

Being a relative care giver is incredibly hard and emotionally draining. You're not alone, even though some times it feels that way. Caseworkers don't understand what you are going through. Family and friends don't understand how difficult it is. The FAFS advocates are all current or former foster parents, we know what it's like to have a dozen people coming in and out of your home, making requests, suggestions and demands.

Good luck!

[pumpkingirl71]

I wanted to send a

I also wanted to add that it is OK to believe a child is better off far from family drama. My daughter had a brother almost come into the system. We knew we were not in a place to add another child. Several friends came forward, because they believed we wanted dd to have a relationship with her brother, but honestly, we wanted him to be as far from the drama of the birthfamily as possible.

[tangible]

Mgannon - I know I saw references to FAFS in some of the literature I got - probably in the classes we have to take. I'll check that out. I have to give them credit - they are giving us a ton of handouts for help.

pumpkingirl71 - thanks for the hugs. Some days are better than others. Today isn't so bad, but we have another 3 hours of class tonight! (oh, that reminds me - I have to reach my chapter and do my homework.