inconsolable 3 month old with other caregivers

[jsh7809]

My LO is now 12.5 weeks and I occasionally have to leave her so I can work (I'm a wedding photographer, so usually it's only a few times a month at most, but long days: 7-11 hours, into the night). She has been left with her father and my mom, and every time she gets completely hysterical at some point, obviously wanting nothing other than me
I am not so much worried about her (although it makes me sad that she's so upset) as my mom and my husband while they're having to deal with her freak outs. The longest one was about 4 hours while usually they're only about an hour long...
It is so hard because I know that all she wants is ME - not the bottle, not walking or singing or cuddling from someone else. She's so young, how could she not want her mama? She still thinks we are one person.
So, any advice here? I know that people have to leave their LOs in daycare for full time jobs, and I guess you just have to let go of it? And find caregivers that are okay knowing she may become inconsolable at some point?
There's no way around this, is there? I HAVE to work sometimes, luckily not often. It just seems so upsetting that there is nothing anyone can do for her.

[texmati]

s!!! I hate to label, but I guess my son would be called 'high-needs'. Basically he cried more than any other baby that anyone had ever seen, apparently. There are things you can do.

For us, it really helps to have DH put him to sleep most nights. Because he was used to being rocked (with a paci, and static on the radio) most nights for the first sleep, it helped tremendously in building DS confidence in DH, and Dh's confidence in DH!

Also-- we kept a loooong list of 'tricks' to calm him-- obviously nothing can replace mama, but you can try!!! lol!

We had things that we would try in succession, that any one could try-- turn off all the lights, go outside, go inside, swing on the swing, static on the radio, bounce vertically, sway side to side, swaddle, take off all clothes including diaper, turn on tv, sing, rock, ect. You get the picture. My son would work himself up into such hysterics, that he basically needed to be distracted out of the fit. We also spent quite a bit of time at grandma's, with both DH and I present before we left him at my parents.

Good luck!

[Ellien C]

Is your baby ever inconsolable with you? Because honestly, that was my experience. Sometimes my babies both just cried. They'd get disturbed and just not get settled. Usually before 12 weeks of age. If they got that way with a caregiver, I'd just figure it was one of those times, not that my absence was the CAUSE of it. Not sure if this is helpful, but that's my experience.

[snoopy5386]

Hugs Jess, we've got the same thing going on over here - baby is inconsolable with dad....she just wails and wails and wails. Luckily I don't have to work, but it's nice to run to Target alone or take DD1 out somewhere. I get phone calls where he just holds the screaming baby up to the phone - that's when I know it is time to come home. She settles for me almost instantly. She also won't take a bottle from him, only from me which sort of defeats the purpose.

[cocoanib]

OP, I've got no advice, but I feel you!
DD is 4 months and she does o.k with others, but she's only her happiest with me.
When I'm not around she wants to be held more and does have some fits. With me, we can hang out together and just be happy and chill.

Unfortunately, I have to work too, so there is no getting around this. I do feel bad though because at 4 months, who wouldn't want their Mama.

[Snapdragon]

Just a thought- I imagine you have already considered this and ruled it out. Can you wear her in a mei tei or other comfortable carrier and still do the wedding photographers? I don't think people would mind a baby with the photographer at the wedding!
I know it is impractical and also involves tending the baby- not like she is guaranteed to behave exactly as you would like.
But I just wanted to put it out there I guess as an ideal, if it were my perspective.
Good luck!

[cocoanib]

Originally Posted by Katie34

Just a thought- I imagine you have already considered this and ruled it out. Can you wear her in a mei tei or other comfortable carrier and still do the wedding photographers? I don't think people would mind a baby with the photographer at the wedding!
I know it is impractical and also involves tending the baby- not like she is guaranteed to behave exactly as you would like.
But I just wanted to put it out there I guess as an ideal, if it were my perspective.
Good luck!

This probably wouldn't work out too well. What if babes wants to nurse right when they're walking down the aisle or starts laughing/crying in the middle of the ceremony? I would be very upset if it was my wedding and I was paying for a photog.

[jsh7809]

Thanks for the thoughts and commiseration. To clarify, she doesn't (usually) get inconsolable with me - actually, she never has much, even from the start. Her high needs come from needing mama most of the time, which is probably just typical baby but I need some me time, too (besides having to work). So, she's almost always consolable by cuddles with me and/ or nursing, which is great! I am focusing on appreciating that. The inconsolable times with other caregivers only comes after hours of being without me, and typically in the evening when she has a harder time settling down anyway. So it's nothing dire, but it is hard for everyone.
She used to scream and scream with DH when she was younger but lately it's only after hours of me being gone, so that's an improvement! I like the idea of him having a list of techniques to work from - it's so hard to stay coolheaded when she's hysterical.
And, actually, the times I did have her with or near me while I was shooting were SO hard. I had thought "I bet I can work with her in a carrier some of the time, babies are pretty portable, right?". But, no, not only is my gear almost as heavy as the baby (and hangs around my neck and on my chest!) but even if DH has her nearby it is just way too distracting to me... I end up doing a bad job at mothering AND photographing and get exhausted. This was only at my brother's wedding and some other family/ friends stuff.

Oddly enough yesterday when I picked her up at my mom's house after she was inconsolable for her for an hour (she had calmed down by the time I got there and some nursing and cuddling helped her the rest of the way), I thought "now she'll scream in the car all the way home". And she was actually super mellow and quiet. I wondered if she just needed some quiet alone time! Maybe I am better at reading her cues than DH and my mom?

Probably, though, she just needs me sometimes and nothing else will do. Which is flattering but a lot of pressure. And I just feel bad for the caregivers! But time will probably help... I'm glad she gets time with other people while she's still young, usually she does pretty well for most of the time she's away. And my mom comes here to care for her while I work on teh computer some days, and that's great cause they're still close by, plus they are getting a special bond

Don't the babies still think that they are one person with mama at this age (3 months)?

[Hoopin' Mama]

It sounds pretty normal. And maybe you are on to something, you read her cues and perhaps instinctively know what to do to keep her calm.

Is she taking the bottle?