eek, after years of being denied access

[vivvysue]

despite a court order and all, my dp's ex has continually and constantly removed dp from the children's lives. forcing dp via threats of never seeing the children again to tell his older dd that she must call her stepdad daddy and her father by his given name, telling them that we arent a real family because dp and i have no plans now or in future to marry. they arent allowed to mention my name in their house, she has their younger dd convinced that her new dh is actually dsd's bio dad and dp is just some man who comes to pick them up when she feels like letting us have them, making us sign "visitation agreements" making his family sign them also, dictating where the access will occur, and who will be there... all manner of pas behaviour...which is soo hard to bring to court at this time. but basically making the children feel that there is some reason that they may be unsafe at our houes. it is sad and they always cry and never want to leave here when it is time to go home. their mom's house is a very violent household, fighting, throwing things like knives at each other, vile language in front of the children, spanking by both their mom and their sdad, yelling, they are obviously afraid of her and her new dh, it comes out in what they say to us. and not the things that children say to get what they want or because they think you want to hear it, but real things that make us fearful not only for them, but for their baby sister also.
these types of things are just things that do not ever occur at our home. we are gentle disciplinarians, believe in talking things through and working things out so that the children dont feel like well like helpless non-entities in their own home. they do have a voice, they are worth being listened to.
it is really sad to hear your step children say to you that you seem like the "good mother" in stories and their mom is the "wicked evil stepmother" i find that soo sad when they say things like that. my five yo sd tells me all the time that in her secret heart of hearts i am her real mom and her mom is her step mom, and i think 'omg how sad i would be if my own dear children felt that way. and it isnt from the perspective of trying to win me over or anything like that, i have been her smom for her whole life. when she was little we had to work very hard to convince her that i wasnt her mom and her mom was. that was a hard task to manage, especially when we had hermom on the other end telling her that sdad is her real father and that dp isnt anything more than a pay cheque. she actually has them call to ask about money issues, things that children just should not be involved in the discussion of, kwim.
we have documented everything for five years and finally after all this waiting,ex is being served the papers to go to court and answer for her actions. finally we will have our day in court and she will have toexplain to the judge her actions with something more than "you know what i am talking about" or they live here, he sees them more therefore he is daddy. she has htem signed up at school under his last name rather than their legal names, you name it in pas she has done it. i dont think the judge will be too happy with her behaviour, neither does our lawyer. thankfully she is being served while the children are away with dp's mom and sister for a little summer vacation and they will drop them with us so that they dont have to deal with her anger or outcmoe of being served... i cant wait to drop them off and see her reaction. she somehow thinks she is the "golden uterus" who brought them into the world with no help from him at all, i guess they are the two undocumented miraculous conceptions. and she hs final say.. we are more equal parents, feeling that dad is just as important in life as mom. and we do respect their sfathers role as well. she just doesnt seem to have gotten over the anger from the divorce. hopefully this will help.i am hoping the judge will orderparenting after separation courses for her, we will take them too if need be, but we are already co-parenting with my ex successfully, and that has to count for something, but we are prepared for anything that we are required to do that the court might determine helpful.

we are soo excited to finally feel like we might be getting somewhere, his lawyer is excited for us, the whole thing feels like a dream.

our court date is aug 3rd.... 17 days away : oooo not long to plan, but plenty of time to feel prepared. i think we ought to go down to our local court house and sit in on a few trials hearings etc, so that dp can see how the system works. and how to comport yourself in front of the judge. i have experienec, he hasnt much at all and i think it would benefit him to see the system in action.

i hope i dont sound vindictive or bi*chy about it, we are really just at the end of our ropes with her antics and finally feel like there is some sort of end in sight. i know on the coast (vancouver, bc) women who behave like her have lost their children, gone to jail, been ordered supervised access, all manner of punitive results of the exact behaviour she has exhibited <sp?

who knows in 2 weeks i may have two more children in our happy household
what a change that would be

cheers, viv

[Super~Single~Mama]

You can't sit in on hearings in family court - they are private.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by vivvysue

i hope i dont sound vindictive or bi*chy about it...

You should watch comments like not being able to wait to drop off the kids and see her reaction, because that may make some people think you are vindictive and hostile toward their mother. But I understand 100%. Parental alienation is child abuse, not to mention absolutely heartbreaking to the parent who's the target. My husband suffered through it for 8 years before he got custody. I understand the giddiness at the simple thought that something might finally change - as well as the basic sense of justice: You don't have to be vindictive to yearn for that moment when someone unreasonable and cruel, who's hurt you and people you love, suddenly realizes she may face judgment and consequences for it.

Best of luck.

[vivvysue]

here in bc you can sit in on any hearing, family court, criminal what have you. they arent private or anything like that, unless they have to do with adoption and those are done in chambers, not in public court.
we have sat in on many family hearings during my divorce and custody access hearings and there were also many other people in there watching or taking notes for their own hearings. most court here, especially family, doesnt involve lawyers, there are far more cases with people representing themselves so anyone can be in there. unless of course you are a witness in an actual hearing going on and you must testify later on... after you testify you can stay and watch the procedimgs after that also.
otherwise anyone can attend. that is for both provincial and supreme and appeals court. as far as i know it is the same all across canada.

i guess it is different in the states.

jeannine, you totally nailed exactly how i am feeling, it is more seeing her hear from the judge what she has been doing is wrong and that it does hurt the kids in the end. and to have her see that she isnt the only parent in the picture, so many parents just walk away, and we have been fighting for so long , it does feel giddy to have some light at the end of the tunnel of helplessness. moslty i am curious to how she will respond to dp when we return the kids friday. the thing i am most thankful for is that they were away when she was served and didnt see the fall out from that. because i know that it wasnt pretty or took into acount their feelings at all. she isnt the type of parent who sees their children as people with feelings at all, just small people who have to do what you say, regardless of how they feel or think. that too has been one of the hardest things to watch through this whole thing, their feelings for their dad being ignored or dismissed as tho they were nothing or didnt matter one way or the other, they have just been expected to deal with it, no matterhow confusing or hurtful. that is what i am most looking forward to :crossfingers: ending.

v

[betterparent]

Be prepared to not see those kids for a while after you drop them off on Friday. Just saying, I have read a lot of stories on here...

[vivvysue]

well at the longest it will be is the weekend after the 3rd of august here. the courts rule very quickly on all things access related, we will at least have an interim order that she will have to comply with or risk either jail or losing custody all together. the judges dont like to have the same people in front of them a month after making an order and all we are really doing is specifying and enforcing access that is already in place so it should be alright. i hope.
we dont really know what she will do, but we know that the first time we were in court over this, four years ago she behaved well for a pretty long while afterwards. it was the wording that we should have been more specific with, and that is what is being addressed on the 3rd of august. the rest of the matters, moneies etc, will be decided more than likely at least a month later, or maybe that day also. you never can tell with those issues, depends on the judge and the docket for that day. and if she refuses access then the sheriff will go get them and bring them to us, i am hoping that it doesnt EVER come to that. mostly i think she will just agree to what we have asked for, as it is fair and equal and doesnt take anything from her as a mother, just recognises dp as their father and his place in their lives is important and not replacable by someone else, even a loving sfather. that has been her game since they got together, she has slowly and consistantly pushed him further and further out, forcing dp to tell his odd that she should call her sdad 'daddy' now and that she should call dp by his given name, under threat of being denied all access altogether. things of that nature. removing them from the sports we had them enrolled in and then re-enrolling them with her new dh listed as their father. she does all the classic pas things that people of that sort do to make the kids feel that there is some reason to fear or not trust or interfere with their natural bond as father and daughters. it is sad that pas is not really recognised in the court system here more strongly, it is so damaging to kids and has reprecussions that can last a life time.
i know she will blow a gasket, and i am sorry that the girls will have to witness her behaviour before court and after also. she isnt very careful at all about what they hear or see, it is sad.

only a couple weeks to go,

v