I've been following this thread since the beginning, and have had a few thoughts building up in my head about the situation...
1. I believe toward the beginning of the thread you said that you had never really talked to your daughter's preschool teachers beyond the, "oh how was her day?" sort of thing at pick up. In your most recent post you do say that you've spoken to them, but still, I want to outline clearly the form of communication you need to have with them, just in case you haven't already done so. Schedule a parent-teacher conference. Sit down with them and explain the behaviors you are seeing at home. Ask if they are seeing the same behaviors. Ask how she interacts with peers and adults at school. Ask for specific examples. Give them specific examples of how she acts at home, and ask if they see the same behaviors in her. If they say yes, she acts that way here, ask them how they handle it. Get ideas from them! If they say yes, she acts that way here, and nothing helps the behaviors, then sorry, but it's time to look into the possibility of her having special needs. And if they say no, we don't see those behaviors, then you have to realize that something in the home environment is causing them.
2. Cognitive behavioral therapy through workbooks. Doesn't work. I saw a clinical psychologist for years for CBT. It works wonders in that environment. A workbook could be useful for the other 6 days of the week that you don't see your therapist, but please do not say that you are working on your issues by using a workbook. That's like putting a band-aid over an amputated limb.
3. An analogy of sorts, to address your daughter's "need" to argue. My 22 month old dd is obsessed with hitting. Several times a day, she grabs a toy and hits it repeatedly (mind you, this was first being done to people and pets, so she has gotten better) saying, "hit giraffe? hit giraffe? hit giraffe?" Until I say, "no, we don't hit!" Then she stops, thinks, and says, "no. giraffe cry. mama cry. giraffe sad. here mama..." and hands me the giraffe to comfort. I never really gave the behavior much thought, but something in your post made the lightbulb go off above my head- she's trying to figure out why we don't hit, why it's not ok to hit others or for others to hit you. she's trying to internalize the reason for curbing that behavior. She's trying to make sense of her world. In a similar way, I think your daughter is trying to make sense of her world. You argue, probably because of your issues with control. Your husband argues. You and he argue. I think maybe your daughter is trying it out, trying to understand why arguing is so enjoyable and bonding. Because it must be, right, since everyone in her world keeps doing it?
4. I was a second child. My older brother was very high needs. I was very low needs. I didn't get half the attention that he got. That's OK!!! I know as a parent it's incredibly difficult to be okay with that concept, but your 2nd DD will be okay with it. First children learn by doing puzzles with their parents and reading books with their parents. Second (and 3rd, 4th, etc) children learn by watching the first child do puzzles and read books. It's not better or worse, just different. But as a PP recommended, I would definitely try to make a little bit of special time for you and #2 while #1 is at preschool.
5. Have you talked about some of these problems in the Military Moms Tribe? You say that we civilians can't understand some of the issues- that seems fair. So talk to those who can!
Best wishes!!
1. I believe toward the beginning of the thread you said that you had never really talked to your daughter's preschool teachers beyond the, "oh how was her day?" sort of thing at pick up. In your most recent post you do say that you've spoken to them, but still, I want to outline clearly the form of communication you need to have with them, just in case you haven't already done so. Schedule a parent-teacher conference. Sit down with them and explain the behaviors you are seeing at home. Ask if they are seeing the same behaviors. Ask how she interacts with peers and adults at school. Ask for specific examples. Give them specific examples of how she acts at home, and ask if they see the same behaviors in her. If they say yes, she acts that way here, ask them how they handle it. Get ideas from them! If they say yes, she acts that way here, and nothing helps the behaviors, then sorry, but it's time to look into the possibility of her having special needs. And if they say no, we don't see those behaviors, then you have to realize that something in the home environment is causing them.
2. Cognitive behavioral therapy through workbooks. Doesn't work. I saw a clinical psychologist for years for CBT. It works wonders in that environment. A workbook could be useful for the other 6 days of the week that you don't see your therapist, but please do not say that you are working on your issues by using a workbook. That's like putting a band-aid over an amputated limb.
3. An analogy of sorts, to address your daughter's "need" to argue. My 22 month old dd is obsessed with hitting. Several times a day, she grabs a toy and hits it repeatedly (mind you, this was first being done to people and pets, so she has gotten better) saying, "hit giraffe? hit giraffe? hit giraffe?" Until I say, "no, we don't hit!" Then she stops, thinks, and says, "no. giraffe cry. mama cry. giraffe sad. here mama..." and hands me the giraffe to comfort. I never really gave the behavior much thought, but something in your post made the lightbulb go off above my head- she's trying to figure out why we don't hit, why it's not ok to hit others or for others to hit you. she's trying to internalize the reason for curbing that behavior. She's trying to make sense of her world. In a similar way, I think your daughter is trying to make sense of her world. You argue, probably because of your issues with control. Your husband argues. You and he argue. I think maybe your daughter is trying it out, trying to understand why arguing is so enjoyable and bonding. Because it must be, right, since everyone in her world keeps doing it?
4. I was a second child. My older brother was very high needs. I was very low needs. I didn't get half the attention that he got. That's OK!!! I know as a parent it's incredibly difficult to be okay with that concept, but your 2nd DD will be okay with it. First children learn by doing puzzles with their parents and reading books with their parents. Second (and 3rd, 4th, etc) children learn by watching the first child do puzzles and read books. It's not better or worse, just different. But as a PP recommended, I would definitely try to make a little bit of special time for you and #2 while #1 is at preschool.
5. Have you talked about some of these problems in the Military Moms Tribe? You say that we civilians can't understand some of the issues- that seems fair. So talk to those who can!
Best wishes!!
), it worked like a charm, at least to stop the behavior short-term.
