baby shower dilemma

[Rose-Roget]

Not sure where to post this. A good friend will be having a baby in September. They were planning on moving at some point before then, so I didn't offer a baby shower until it was certain they were staying.

She and her dh found out the gender. They have shared that with their friends and family except... her in-laws do not want to know the gender. They have had conversations with the in-laws about wanting to share the news with them personally, so they don't accidently find out some other way, but the in-laws stand strong not to know.

Is there any way to throw a baby shower for a her that will not leak the gender? I don't think she wants a bunch of gender neutral clothes. Ideas?

[ians_mommy]

I say throw her a baby shower and dont worry about it. This is not about her in-laws. Her shower should not be altered to meet their needs. If they are so adament that they cannot know the gender of their grandchild before the birth, then I guess they cannot attend the shower. Personally I think they are being ridiculous.

[Katwoman]

I think this is a recipe for disaster. (How can people not accidentally mention something gender related?)

The two things I could see having the best chance of successfully letting the IL's escape with ignorance would be:

Have two showers, one with just the IL's there.

Have the shower with gender neutral decorations and have the gift opening at the end of the party. The Mom to be can open the IL's gifts first and then the IL's can scatter and she can open the rest of the presents.

[Storm Bride]

What about having the shower after the baby arrives? Is that really unheard of in your circle? It's pretty common around here (I actually prefer it).

Other than that...I've got nothing. That sounds tricky.

[maddymama]

Hi Mama,
I agree with PP, the shower is given by you for your friend. Not by you for her in-laws. Talk to the mama-to-be.... if SHE (and her DH) want a gendered shower with pink or blue, then throw them a gendered shower with pink or blue. If SHE wants g-n, then throw a yellow baby shower.
I'd invite the in-laws, but make it clear to them that it is not your responsiblity to avoid announcing the gender, or that of any of your guests. If they want to be surprised then the might not want to attend the shower. They've already had their kid(s), now it's their children's turn... respect the wishes of the mama-to-be, don't worry about anyone else.
~maddymama

[luv-my-boys]

Honestly I think its unfair to the parents-to-be to have to cater to someone elses wishes especially when it comes to a celebration like this. I do think that the IL's should be warned that they might find out the gender via the shower or guests and they can choose whether they attend or not.

[poppan]

IMHO, this is between your friend/her husband and her in-laws, and I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. If it were me, I would offer her 2-3 suggestions (e.g. gender neutral shower vs "gendered" shower, and whatever other options you are entertaining) and let her advise you on how to proceed. She may want to talk privately to her in-laws beforehand and maybe they don't even want an invite if it's announced on the invite, KWIM? Or maybe being presented with "my shower will be themed boy/girl, do you still want to come" will make them realize some things are more important than being "surprised". But I would definitely let my friend make the call on how she wants to proceed.

[kiwiva]

My dad didn't want to know the gender when I was pregnant. That was his problem. I didn't tell him but I told him he'd better leave before the presents and I wasn't responsible for anything he gleaned by seeing or hearing anything because everyone else knew the gender.

I'd suggest she tell the in laws, it's their choice. If they don't want to know the gender they should stay away from the house and the shower. It's really their problem. There is NO WAY I'd be registering for gender neutral stuff just so they wouldn't find out and there is no way even if they did do that, you or your friend could tell all the invitees who already know the gender to avoid getting any presents that would show that. The in laws are being so silly (I thought my dad was ridiculous on that!). Not your problem, really!

[baltic_ballet]

Originally Posted by luv-my-boys

Honestly I think its unfair to the parents-to-be to have to cater to someone elses wishes especially when it comes to a celebration like this. I do think that the IL's should be warned that they might find out the gender via the shower or guests and they can choose whether they attend or not.

I agree.

[Rose-Roget]

Thanks all! I'll offer a few choices to the mom-to-be and let her decide. I (and she) agree that it's their issue, and she's warned them that they aren't keeping secret so they might find out.

[~savah~]

Originally Posted by ians_mommy

I say throw her a baby shower and dont worry about it. This is not about her in-laws. Her shower should not be altered to meet their needs. If they are so adament that they cannot know the gender of their grandchild before the birth, then I guess they cannot attend the shower. Personally I think they are being ridiculous.

I just can't see how it would be plausible in this case to keep the gender a secret.

[eepster]

I've heard ultra-sounds are inaccurate 10% of the time, so even though I would not majorly alter plans for party to hide the expected gender, I also wouldn't go whole hog on the gender theme anyway.

[limabean]

Even if you did gender-neutral decorations and all the guests brought gender-neutral gifts, it's not realistic for the ILs to think they could be in a roomful of people who know the baby's sex and have no one mention it. I guess her ILs will have to decide whether they'd rather attend the shower or be surprised.

[Tjej]

You could do a "fill the freezer" shower or a freezer/diaper shower. It's actually much more practical and awesome than a shower where you get a bunch of absolutely adorable outfits in sizes 6mo and smaller.

But it is really hard to resist the outfits with a firstborn.

Tjej

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Tjej

You could do a "fill the freezer" shower or a freezer/diaper shower. It's actually much more practical and awesome than a shower where you get a bunch of absolutely adorable outfits in sizes 6mo and smaller.

But it is really hard to resist the outfits with a firstborn.

Tjej

or a book shower. I love those!

[BarefootScientist]

Honestly, I think the main problem here is not going to be gifts or shower decor, but pronouns. If everyone knows the gender but the ILs, they will find out at a big gathering of people. How do you talk about a baby without knowing the gender? I called mine "he" even before we got the ultrasound. People are going to let the appropriate pronoun slip. So, I agree that if the ILs don't want to know the gender, and everyone else already knows, they are not going to be able to go to a shower unless they are the only ones there.

[swd12422]

Either have the shower and let the in-laws choose not to come if they're that adamant about finding out the gender, or offer to help the new mom host a "sip and see" after the baby comes.

[baglady]

Originally Posted by ians_mommy

I say throw her a baby shower and dont worry about it. This is not about her in-laws. Her shower should not be altered to meet their needs. If they are so adament that they cannot know the gender of their grandchild before the birth, then I guess they cannot attend the shower. Personally I think they are being ridiculous.

Agreed.

The in-laws may not even realize how selfish this is in reality. They can't possibly expect to be in a room ful of people and not accidentally find out. So either your friend doesn't get the shower that SHE wants for HER baby, or her in-laws don't get to come. I vote for them not coming as it isn't about them. There's no reason to put guests on edge because they have to worry about pronoun usage, etc. That's a recipe for disaster and it's unfair for everyone but the inlaws.