My DD is so mean

[lucky_mia]

She is 4.5 and has a twin brother who is more of the gentle spirit type. She basically harasses him from the the moment she wakes up until the moment she goes to sleep. I can barely leave them alone in a room. I am concerned that she is going to become a bully and that she is going to make him mean by constantly bothering him. I am getting so frustrated with dealing with her and I know that is just making it worse. I need wise mother wisdom and I don't seem to have the right perspective on this.

[~cassie]

My 5 yr old is the same, terrorizes his little brothers just for the sake of it. He doesn't do it to other kids and he is actually nice at times. I think it is just the way or siblings at times. My oldest seems to start from the beginning of the day til the end. I think he is jealous of how much time/attention they require from me.

[lucky_mia]

At least she is not the only one. I wish should could develop a little more empathy and understanding of her actions.

[lolar2]

Some people here on MDC have posted in earlier threads that siblings tend to get along better outdoors, if that helps any.

[RomanGoddess]

I would nip this one in the bud early. Sibling abuse, both physical and mental, is real - as real as abuse by parents. Keep them separate as much as possible. Supervise them when together. Also, try to give her brother some skills to defend himself so he doesn't always feel that he has to look to you.

My older brother was abusive towards me and much of it was due to boredom. Keep them busy, in different activities when possible.

[lucky_mia]

Originally Posted by RomanGoddess

I would nip this one in the bud early. Sibling abuse, both physical and mental, is real - as real as abuse by parents. Keep them separate as much as possible. Supervise them when together. Also, try to give her brother some skills to defend himself so he doesn't always feel that he has to look to you.

My older brother was abusive towards me and much of it was due to boredom. Keep them busy, in different activities when possible.

Hard to hear but you are right. I don't want this to change who he is. He needs to be protected from her. It makes me so sad.

[St. Margaret]

My MIL is still screwed up in part from things her big sister did to her (being mean about playing games, locking her in a closet or something). They say how siblings treat each other is actually the best indicator for how kids will interact with peers later in life, so I'd work on skills for both of them; you'll be helping them both in the long run. Good luck!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Let me paint a picture for you. It may not be this cut and dry cause-and-effect, but it sure feels that way to me.

My Aunt TORUTRED my mother. Everything from putting pillows over her head and sitting on them, to locking her in closets to, while playing hide and seek under an empty box, my aunt sitting ontop of it and not letting her out for an hour at a time. It effected my mother so deeply she is claustrophbic of epic proportions. There are a few instances during my childhood that are very vivd in my memory, from when I was, like 7 and 8 years old!

Stuff like swimming under water and going on cave expeditions in Canada never bothered me. But as I got older, and my mothers nurosis about tight spaces grew, so did mine. Now, I can't even watch fiction movies with someone drowning or being burried alive (The Vanishing made me almost have to be admitted)

What is my point? The sibling bullying my aunt put my mother through even effected ME decades later.

[philomom]

Yep. Separate them. Different playdates. Different friends, different classes at the preschool. Also be sure to give your children some one on one time with each parent. My dh and I used to take one kid on errands with us Saturday mornings... next weekend, the other child. The one who goes get good modeling interaction with the public and the one at home gets quality time with the other parent.

[AllisonR]

I might be really off here, as I don't have twins, and my DS and DD get along 95% of the time. But I will tell about something I did long ago, when DS was 3 and DD was only a baby. At that age, they both really needed me, but of course the babys needs were often more immediate. That created some jealousy for DS and he got mean with her (hitting, taking toys on purpose...) It never got really bad. But at the same time I could not get DS to stop. I asked him, I pointed how the correct way to behave, I showed with example, I got mad...

Then I had a realization: when DS was acting ugly, I needed to give ALL MY ATTENTION to DD. If he pulled her hair, I came directly to DD and hugged her and said "yes, ow, that really hurts," and then played with her until she was calm. I did not discuss it with DS or tell him what he did was wrong, I just did not react to him at all. I was totally neutral. When DS took a toy away, I took it back from him - gently, no reaction, gave it to DD and said "you were playing with this. Here you go" and then engaged her with what she was doing with the toy.

When kids are acting mean, they are often fighting to get your attention. It can get internalized that "bad" attention is better than no attention. Try giving her none. It might take a while to change her behavior. Heck it took my 3 yo a few months, and your kids are a lot older, and a lot more is probably habit at this point. But I would guess that eventually she may give up since it does not get her what she wants - attention.

Well that's my 2 cents.