how to make amends w/ 3YO

[SFam]

I lost it today when my almost 3 year old was in the throes of a tantrum. Long story, that I will not post for brevity's sake, because really what led up to it doesn't ultimately matter anyway. So, I smacked her on the leg because I was so angry and frustrated. I recognize that it's my fault, not hers that I acted this way. She looked at me like I completely betrayed her, cried "owie, owie."

I took a minute (should have done that sooner, but how is a stay at home mom with a 3 YO and 1YO supposed to get away during the day?). I calmed down, then held her, which is what she wanted in the first place. Once she seemed like she was over her tantrum, I tried to explain what happened to her and apologize to her. She buried her head against my shoulder and wouldn't talk to me or look at me. I told her that I was very frustrated and angry and that's why I hit her and I'm not supposed to hurt her, only supposed to love her and that I'm very sorry and it was a mean thing to do. I'm not sure what I can do to help her understand and to know that I'm so sorry. I know she's upset about it, but is either too ashamed or shy or something to talk to me about it. She was happy and playful for the rest of the day, but I'm still concerned that she'll remember it and will feel terrible about it.

Has anyone who's lost it and yelled at or hit their kids tried to explain it afterwards and apologize? How have you made amends after treating your child badly?

[One_Girl]

I have yelled at my dd a couple times when I was stressed out and seriously annoyed with something she was doing. In these cases I have apologized and taken all of the blame on myself. I tell her that I made a serious mistake because I wasn't using my self-control and that I am sorry. We usually reconnect with a hug and spend one on one time or do something like watch a movie so I can have time to totally collect myself. This is a one time thing and I think you should start by forgiving yourself and working to meet the needs that you have left unmet or changing some of your expectations or boundaries so you can prevent this from happening often. A good cry may also help releave some of the tension you are feeling, it helps me when I am at my wits end. I find that I have the hardest time controlling my temper when I need personal time, have made my expectations of my dd too high for her to meet, or fallen into a cycle of allowing dd to behave in ways that I am really not comfortable with. When I have a mom date, reset my expectations, or put limits up for my sanity I am much calmer and can handle things. It is really okay to make mistakes. No parent is perfect. Good luck!

[friskykitty]

Big hugs mama. I think you are being really hard on yourself. It was a one time deal and you talked to her about it. Maybe do something special together so you can feel like things are ok. Maybe bake some cookies, or do a special craft.

[St. Margaret]

I agree some special time like PP said. Would she like a spa night with bubble bath, painting toes-- even a massage? That might help you both have some gentle touch which might work on a 3yo's level to make it clear that you intend to be gentle with her.

Even my mom, who is uber crunchy, LLL leader, no CIO, gentle discipline, etc etc, spanked me once. It was an extreme situation and she lost it. I was 3, too. Believe me, I don't remember it, and she's my idol. You and your DD can certainly get over it-- I'm sure you're working out how to help yourself stay away from that place again, and your daughter will know it in time.