DS didn't want to stay 2 nights with ex

[robinchap1]

I would love some thoughts/advice/opinions on this.

My DS is 4. He has been spending 24 hours (Fri afternoon-Sat afternoon) with his father for over a year now and doing well with it. Would even sometimes be sad if ex canceled. Ex is a teacher and wanted more time with DS this summer. He wanted 2 overnights in a row. I had mixed feelings, but agreed to try. He has gone for 2 overnights 2 other times over the past year (for special occasions) and done ok. Come home very very tired and mommyish, but seemed happy to be there. This week DS went to his Dad's Thurs afternoon with the plan for him to come home Sat afternoon. I got a call at bedtime Fri night from ex saying DS was having a very hard time. DS got on the phone sobbing saying he wanted Mommy. Ex said he thought I should come get him and I did. He went back there happily this morning for the day (I work on Saturdays).

Here are my thoughts: OF COURSE, if my baby wants me, I want to always always be there for him. I want him to know that. I don't want to push him into what he's not ready for. And I have mixed feelings about the 2 overnights anyway. I'm trying to figure out if this is a sign he's not ready, or if this is a situation that ex should work through with him.

He is 4. He is testing limits. Given that I came to get him this time, my guess is that this is going to happen again. I wonder if some of the message we are sending is that when he's upset, he needs Mommy. There is part of me that wants that! BUT, is that the best thing for him? Does he need to know that he can be upset and Daddy can handle it? Does he really need for Ex to climb in bed with him and hold him and tell him it's going to be ok, work through it with him etc.??? OR should we be listening to the message that 48 hours is too long right now?

Not sure what ex's take is going to be on this. We don't get along. He doesn't generally take advice from me well. I'm somewhat surprised he even called me. I suspect DS got upset when ex told him he was leaving for a softball game once he fell asleep (his wife was home). I suspect that he couldn't leave a sobbing kid with his wife and so the way for him to not miss his softball game was to get him back to me. I, of course, gave up my evening plans. Which isn't really the point. But it kind of is... should I let ex make those decisions for himself and whatever the result is with his relationship with DS, so be it? Or should I make the effort to help him create a stronger, more secure bond with DS and be a parent, not just a buddy. And is this even the situation to do that in? I, of course, will give up any plans for DS anytime for the rest of my life, if he needs me. And I'm sure DS knows that and will continue to know that.

I'm trying to clear my head on this before I talk to ex about it and decide if we will try again this coming week or not.

[Avani]

It could be a lot of things. He isn't ready, developmental stage, had a rough day..lots of things. What about making the choice his. I thinking forcing visitation isn't fair for kids and it just happens so often in courts now. The kids lose their voices and the judges make unfair rulings. If your ex is open to it how about offering to your son which weekend in august he would like to try 2 nights with daddy andaybr that could help him get emotionally prepared. It sounds like the two of you communicate well with each other and truly have your child's interest at heart.

[La Sombra]

I relate so much to your post! There have been a lot of situations like this but one recently was the ex called me when dd was sick at his house. I feel the same ambivalence as you: wanting to be there and do absolutely anything for her if she really needs me BUT also wanting MY time and to be respected, and not wanting to have to facilitate the relationship and cultivate the skills that EX needs as a parent. It's hard! I still struggle with it.

In your case, I would say that maybe after one time it isn't exactly necessarily a sign that ds isn't ready. I'd have something in your mind--if after a month of longer visits ds is still reacting this way, for instance, you could conclude that he's really not ready. But by giving it a little time (and hopefully you could get ex on the same page as you with this plan--although like you my relationship with my ex is not always stellar) you might encourage ex to develop those skills for himself.

And the other thing is, you have to do something for yourself during that time because if you are like me, if you put your foot down and tell ex that he has to deal with it (at least for whatever period of time you think is reasonable), you are going to feel guilty and doubt yourself. Don't. Your ds knows you love him and would do anything for him. But in the long run he and his dad will both benefit if they really are able to work through this (that's IF ds's ready--and maybe you will conclude that he's really not!).

Good luck!

[RollerCoasterMama]

We went through this same problem. DS would get really worked up the 2nd night. STBX and I researched and brainstormed. We didn't want to cut out overnights altogether. So we've been just doing Saturday nights on his weekends and he brings DS home to me by bedtime on Friday night. We did that all winter/spring. Tonight is the first time we're trying 2 in a row again. We talked him him about it this week and he's been doing great at just one night. So hopefully he'll be ok. Plus he's 6 months older, so that makes a difference.

Another thing that someone here suggested is that I quit calling/Skyping at bedtime. It seemed to trigger him being sad on the overnights.

Good luck!! It's a balancing act leaving them to work things out/being flexible for what the child needs.

[hillymum]

I told my husband he sbxh that he needed to deal with it as I know he was going for the easy solution. I knew ds (almost 6) would be fine, after all he was with his daddy! sbxh has only had them overnight once so far so I wanted to make sure he knew where I stand on this. He too has to take responsibility for his children as I am not going to run around helping him now he has decided he doesn't want to be my husband.

[meemee]

i would say just go with the flow. dont say anything.

this was the first time right?

see what happens. the next few times.

yup the same thing happened to dd. and yup at that age when she had already been giong to dad's 3 alternate nights a week. except it wasnt another night. but that night.

ex called and i picked up dd. did it a couple of times. then ex started getting the hang of it and figuring out what to do to keep dd there and not be so upset. and he did. yes it did take some tears.

and i didnt have to say anything. he has a hard time taking anything from me. so i was quiet.

ex over time has had to figure out that he has to step up to the plate for dd to want to spend time with him. we both have given dd right to say which parent she wants to stay with.

and he realises he needs to do something when she categorically tells him she wants to stay with me even if its his time.

since ex wasnt ready to listen to anything from me and i was willing to have dd with me anytime, i wasnt going to force the issue with him. plus history helps. i have noticed ex getting betterr and better at being the daddy dd wants him to be. somethings will never change but he is learning he has to do things with dd. and he is doing it.

i think for him the greatest teacher is dd. and for now its working for us that she gets to call the shots.

[singin'intherain]

It sounds too soon to overthink this one. Ds may have been testing the waters to see if he really has a choice. Ex may, as you said, have had plans and couldn't leave ds with his wife if he was crying. If you just keep sending him, things will sort themselves into a pattern and you'll know if it's just too much time away from you, or an adjustment thing.

[Learning_Mum]

There has been a couple of times when DS1 wanted has wanted to come home and I've always let him. There have been times when DH has had them for two or three nights over a holiday or something and DS1 has said before he's even left that he doesn't want to sleep over. I just tell him he needs to sort that out with Daddy and most of the time I haven't heard anything else about it. It really has only been maybe five times out of almost ten months of weekends. I think it's nice that they know they can come home if they want to.