raising new baby and DSD

[neonalee]

I'll start this off saying I'm due with this baby this coming Tuesday (though I think it will take longer than that) so of course cranky and hormonal and have no patience. My DSD is 11.5. I love her very much, and she is with us every weekend. I realize that 1 - she is a pre-teen with all the hormonal instability that entails, and 2 - she is probably very stressed about having a new sibling, though she's also very excited and looking forward to it.

That said, she has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. She throws tantrums whenever she doesn't get her way, or whenever she is forced to do chores. For the record - her chores include keeping her room clean and doing dishes after breakfast and lunch. As an example, this morning she and her dad have been fighting on and off, which usually ends in bouts of crying. There was some peace during lunch and for a few hours after. She took a nap, so I guess she was pretty tired earlier. After her nap she threw a major tantrum around cleaning her room. Honestly it wasn't even that messed up - just some stuff to put away. She screamed and groaned and growled. Stomped her feet so hard the house shook, at which point she was grounded from the internet for the rest of the weekend. Which started a new tantrum about it's not fair and she wasn't stomping. This is just an example, but is fairly typical. She started therapy last weekend and I really hope it helps. She has a lot of pain and anger inside her and we just aren't capable of helping her know how to deal with or let go.

So, has anyone brought a new child into this type of situation? I'm worried that this baby, once it's past infancy, is going to learn from her. Is it avoidable?

[PoppyMama]

I don't know what else is going on with her but on the surface this seems pretty normal for a house with a girl that age...blended or not. You need to set the boundaries but I suggest that y'all not take her behavior personally. don't hold a grudge later because she won't really get it. Just enjoy the new baby and have some relief that it will be a long time before you're dealing with puberty with your own child.
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[neonalee]

Thanks poppymama, there is sadly more beneath the surface, but it's good to hear that some of this is normal!

[vivvysue]

when my dd's were this age and the one i still have at home who is this age. i sat them down and talked to them about how their hormones were working. how one minute they feel on top of the world and the next they are so mad at nothing they want to attack someone, or cry their eyes out. i told them how i felt at their age and how i understood how confusing it is not only for the people around them but for they themselves.
we picked code words or sayings for when these moments happend. things they could say to us that would indicate they needed their own 'time out' to get their head together and get to feeling normal again and that we could say to them when we felt that they needed to step back for a few minutes and get a handle on things, before they spiralled out of control. i always gave them the chance to back out of hasty words or actions and then used the code word. my favourite was with my second dd, which was 'take the stairs' as in an emergency in a building, dont go the fast way via the elevator but the slower time to think stairs. it really worked for us. especialloy when we were bringing new babies into the picture. i also explained to them that once they started to menstruate that their hormones would settle down to a schedule, and that everyone around them would be far more considerate and understanding when they had that bad week a month or so.
with my oldest dd i was pg with my now 12.5yo son and i used my hormonal shifts and moodiness as an example of how she felt too. like there was someone else in charge of her brain for a few minutes and without the chance to pull back and take a deep breath then take back what you said or did with a quick sorry i lost my head and need a few minutes, (all said in an "i'm taking the stairs", with second dd) was way better than a fight or argument or any ugly situation that could be avoided with a little pride swallowing and forgivness on both sides.

hth~ it really worked for our household, hope it helps yours in some way too, and good luck with your wee one on the way.

cheers, viv

[neonalee]

thanks viv! I'm going to suggest that to DP as they are the 2 that usually spiral out of control. I learned to really shut my mouth when I got to that level of emotion because the things I would say ... well, sometimes there was no coming back from them. Luckily DSD generally listens to me, even in one of her tantrums. I guess it's the very controlled quiet voice? But oh how she pushes DP's buttons! We'll definitely try out this suggestion!