How can I get a time-out for myself?

[babeak]

DD is 2.5 yr+ and has recently started having more tantrums/crying/ screaming episodes than ever before.

I have told her that she can do that in her room, but not next to me and we can talk when she is ready. However, that is not working and I can't get away from her. I can't lock myself into a room as that just escalates things. Her being around me escalates things as well. I need a few minutes to get myself together and get perspective, but when I can't get what I need and things usually go badly thereafter.

I have not tried saying to her that Mommy needs a time out, because we have not done timeouts. Before she was mobile/able to open doors, it was easy for me get a timeout and walk away if I needed to gain composure, etc. Now I can't and I need some ideas because things are not working as they are. I need to be able to get away from her even if it is for a few minutes so that I can parent how I really want to parent...calmly.

Tonight, the events precipitating the rapid spiral downwards was after reading our bedtime books she kept jumping/standing on me and then was kicking me despite me telling her that it hurts and and hurts my feelings. We had had a lovely story time and so this was out of the blue and really changed the mood fast for the evening.

[Okapi]

RE: timeouts. Does she understand the idea of taking a break, e.g., when you're running around together, or swinging her or whatever? With our DD (also a little over 2.5), we often talk about how people sometimes need a break, and introduced it gradually (if DH & I were swinging her in a blanket, we'd say we needed a break, it would be a really short one, like less then 30 sec, and then start the activity again. We also used it for thing not related to her/fun things - "I need a break from these dishes, let's read a book"). Once she was used to the idea, breaks got longer, and she can call a break for something she doesn't like, also.

I think it does help when DD is getting worked up/tantruming that we already have built in language for it. Not that it always works, but sometimes, it's enough for me to just be able to walk across the room and back, and that can be enough. And even when it's not, and I have to get away further/longer, I feel like she at least understands what's happening, even if she is still really upset about it, KWIM?

As for physically getting away when she REALLY doesn't want you to? I'm afraid I don't have any ideas. I had a night not that long ago where I was getting really frustrated, and just wanted a few seconds without being hit/elbowed/rolled on. I went to put her down, and she just wrapped her arms and legs around me so tight I would have had to pry her off of me. I didn't trust myself to be able to do it gently, so I just held her back just as tight and repeated to myself "she's doing this because she loves you, it makes her feel safe." With her clinging like that, she at least wasn't moving, and that got me through it. Although, for my DD, me wanting to leave when she doesn't want me to will often snap her out of whatever she's doing, so YMMV.

When you say that you going away will often just escalate her tantrum, I think of it this way: if someone has to be completely out of control, better her then me. I haven't quite reached that point yet, but if I really thought I was going to loose it, I would separate myself from her, even if it made her tantrum worse for a minute or two while I collected myself.

[babeak]

>>>>>When you say that you going away will often just escalate her tantrum, I think of it this way: if someone has to be completely out of control, better her then me. I haven't quite reached that point yet, but if I really thought I was going to loose it, I would separate myself from her, even if it made her tantrum worse for a minute or two while I collected myself.<<<<<

Yes, except that makes everything worse for the both of us because I then have more to deal with. It is hard as I am a "single" SAHM 24/7 with only a couple of hours of a babysitter. DH is deployed, so I don't have him to call on in situations like these.

I have started needing breaks because she will jabber on while I am trying to think and it is very frustrating. I had her go out of the kitchen yesterday while I was trying to fix a recipe gone bad that I had essentially tripled,so I did not want to throw it out. :-P

[mom2grrls]

A couple things-how well does she sleep/nap? How long has dh been deployed? I remember reading about situations where mom needs some time and child does not want to comply in Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. I really don't remember how she went about it though, shoot.

[babeak]

She usually sleeps/naps really good and DH has been gone for 1yr+ though we get to see him every few months. We have another yr+ of DH being gone.

[ssh]

Trying to separate from her during a tantrum could be triggering a separation anxiety response and making the tantrum worse. We always just calmly sympathized and comforted our DD during tantrums. Basically a tantrum happens because your LO is feeling overwhelmed with their emotions. When mommy or daddy behaves as if they can't handle their child's overwhelming emotions either it's scary and often makes things worse. Labeling the emotion will help your DD learn to label her feelings and that will help her not feel so overwhelmed. Just calmly saying "you are angry/frustrated/upset because of xyz" while rubbing your DD's back can help.

My DDs tantrums were at their worst at 2.5. By the time she could say "I'm Angry!" at a couple of months after turning 3 most of the tantrums were over. They do go through emotional phases from time to time, but it's not like real tantrums. My DD is 4.5 and usually says "I'm going to my room." when she's upset and either calls one of us when she wants to talk or comes out after a few minutes.

[ssh]

Sometimes a change of scenery could help DD recover from a tantrum. I'd say "you seem really angry, lets go outside you might feel better" or I'd ask if she wanted to nurse or take a shower. By 2.5 distraction didn't help very often until after the tantrum was over.

[babeak]

ssh,

Thanks. You know I was not raised being taught how to label my emotions and to be in control of myself. For the most part having her has been really helpful in finally learning that. However, there are times when it is difficult or things move too fast to battle the reflexive ingrained behaviors that were my example as i was growing up.

She is getting some of the labeling, but that is a good reminder to focus on that.

Thanks for your advise and experience.

I realized that though she had hurt me physically, I probably hurt her feelings by trying to withdraw from her....hence it getting worse.

[Tway]

A friend of mine does this:

Whenever she gets very upset with her kids, she goes into the bathroom, closes the door (and locks it, I suppose), and flushes the toilet. She then proceeds to keep flushing the toilet until she's calmed down. She says it works like a charm.

[babeak]

That is a good idea, but we do not have a closed door policy on the bathroom. I tried going in there but, she got even more frustrated and upset when she could not come in....but I like that. I just don't think that it will work for us.

[mamazee]

This is not something I'm proud of, but there were times I had to be by myself for a few minutes to keep from smacking my older dd, when she was younger. I didn't want to take myself away from her, but I considered it to be the lesser of two evils. I would get on my knees and say (not in an angry way, as calmly as possible) to her that I needed a few minutes to calm down and I'd be right back for her. It didn't seem to take long. The anger would be taken over by sadness over her being alone pretty quickly, and then I was in a much better place to help her with whatever she was dealing with.

I don't think this was the best thing. The best thing would have been for me to not get so angry in the first place and not need time to myself. However, it hasn't been all bad. My dd picked that up from me, and years later still sometimes will say she's VERY ANGRY and needs to be by herself for a minute, and will go to her room and come back feeling better. I try not to beat myself up too much for not being perfect, and I'm glad that if I had to have problems with anger in those days, at least I modeled well how to deal with it. Our kids get difficult, strong, and frightening emotions too, and on one hand it's sad for them to be separated from us, but on the other hand it's empowering for them to see that they aren't the only ones with scary emotions, and that strong emotions can be handled responsibly, and without violence.

[cyclamen]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I don't think this was the best thing. The best thing would have been for me to not get so angry in the first place and not need time to myself. However, it hasn't been all bad. My dd picked that up from me, and years later still sometimes will say she's VERY ANGRY and needs to be by herself for a minute, and will go to her room and come back feeling better.

Mamazee, I just want to tell you that I really admire the way that you modeled how to deal with emotions to your child. I will keep it in mind for days when I might feel overwhelmed. It is another tool in the box of learning to deal productively with anger.

[timmytt]

we all have to make time for are selfs

[hopefulfaith]

I gave myself a timeout today.

My kids are 5 and almost-4, and I wanted to spank them. It was completely out of anger, so I stomped upstairs and called out "I'm too mad right now! I am having a time out on my bed!"

...and I did. I lay there until the feeling passed ---- and until I heard a small voice at my door inquiring, "Mom, are you done with your time out?"

I was calmer. I wasn't exactly peaceful, but I didn't want to kill anyone anymore.

I have done that here and there, and the kids "get" it. They have followed suit of their own accord now and then, too.


Thank God for Mama Time Outs.