I can't do this anymore

[Dazedstella]

I feel like a martyr. Co-sleeping and not CIO is driving me insane. I know it's the right choice for our daughter and our relationship with our daughter but the sleep deprivation is killing me, killing my husband and killing our marriage. I can't.
Two weeks ago we finally hit a point that was beautiful, she would eat at 11pm and 6am and sleep from 8:30pm to 7-7:30am. I thought that here was a moment of reward for all of our hours of work and sleepless nights. but we are back.

Starting last weekend she gets up at least four times a night to eat because she won't take more than 3-4oz at a time, she wakes up between 4:30am and 5:45am and doesn't go to sleep until 9:30 or 10pm and I am a waitress right now so I don't get home until 11. Yesterday I worked a 12 hr shift on3.5 hours of sleep and this night was the same although thankfully i don't have to work today. I can't function on 4-5 hours of very broken sleep. I need an out. I want to fully embrace the tenets of attachment parenting but I can't even practice gentle discipline with a very trying 15month old if I don't get some more sleep and stop resenting her for ruling our entire home. I feel like I yell for toddler stuff all the time.

[SubliminalDarkness]

At 15 months, it's possible to night-wean. Or if you don't want to night-wean, to at least reduce the number of times you're willing to feed her.

CIO is not the only option. I hope you find something that works for you.

[LadyCatherine185]

I would nightwean (google Dr. Jay Gordon Method) and/or have your DH take over part of the night. She is old enough to handle some changes. You don't have to CIO to get results. We nightweaned around 19 months and my DS went from waking every hour, to sleeping 5-8 hour stretches.

[KatWozBlue]

I agree with these ladies, it is time to night wean, my daughter woke up every 3 hours for a year and at 13 months I nightweaned her and boom she slept 10 to 6, it was amazing. I used a bunch of techniques that did not include cio. Good luck and hang in there.

[susumama]

Oh you poor thing. I do know how you feel - a few of mine have done this. The way we handled it was to take turns at night. I have breastfed all of mine but with the 3 horrible night wakers I introduced a bottle after 12mths. I didn't see any need to express for this bottle if I didn't have time because they were eating all sorts of things so drinking something other than breastmilk or water wouldn't kill them. My hubby worked & I did not (but I did have other kids so couldn't go back to sleep with the baby through the day). Anyway, I would do Mon, Tue, Wed, night & hubby would do Thurs if it had been a really bad week & I really needed a break. Then he would always do Fri, Sat & Sun if I needed Sunday too. When it wasn't 'our' night with the baby we would make up a bed on the floor in the house as far from the baby as we could (so we couldn't hear). You would be amazed how much good just a couple of nights sleep make to your outlook. The suggestions of others to nightwean is good but I have never been able to achieve this myself - mine just eventually grew out of night waking. I suppose sleeping separately from your hubby doesn't do wonders for your relationship but it is a short term thing & you will be in a much better mood with each other if you aren't sleep deprived.
In the end you need to do what keeps you sane. Constant sleep deprivation & stress can leave you depressed. As you also pointed out it can undermine all the positive things you wish to do during the day & even how you relate to your child. Please give sleeping separately while taking turns on 'baby duty' a try. Don't feel guilty - you need to do what you need to do to get some sleep so that you can function as a loving mother the way you want to be. If it has to be CIO to get that sleep, then so be it. It's obviously not something you would do lightly. You are obviously a dedicated & loving mum to have soldiered through this long & you need rest to continue being that way.
Good luck!

[Dazedstella]

Thank you for your supportive responses. Unfortunately I know she's not ready to nightwean because she still wakes up really hungry and can't settle back down unless she's eaten, and usually she falls right back asleep then when she's had a bottle. Often in recent weeks she gets so hungry at night she will eat 1 and a half bottles at a time. Growth spurt I imagine as she eats a large amount of solid food during the day and 3-4 bottles (6oz) too. Anyway, it's not the eating that's so problematic as it is the getting up four times to eat and then getting up for the day at 4am when neither she or we are ready. She's a miserable kid when she gets that little sleep and I feel so bad for her and us. Last night was better 9:15pm-6am (and I didn't work yesterday) and only two wakings. Although that's still not enough sleep for a toddler combined with naps.
My husband does a good job of helping with the nighttime parenting although often I respond first because I wake up first (and we co-sleep so she is right there). Susumama I talked to him about sleeping separately, in shifts, and that might work. We will have to give it a try. Anyway this has just been such an exhausting experience, she has always been a pretty difficult sleeper and I was just so tired yesterday I was falling asleep standing up.

Thank you again.

[LadyCatherine185]

She is still taking 2 naps a day? I recommend transitioning her to one nap, and putting her to bed earlier. This helped us a LOT with DS's nighttime sleep. Try reading the book "Sleepless in America." It has great strategies for structuring your day to help nighttime sleep.

As for the nightweaning, my DS was hungry at night too when he was still allowed to nurse. His body was used to getting all of those calories at night. When we nightweaned, he started eating more during the day to make up for it, and now he does not need to eat during the night. I was in your same place, so tired but reluctant to do anything because I thought A) it wouldn't work and B) he wasn't ready. Well, much to my delighted surprise it worked wonderfully, and he did great. I took it slow, and yes he fussed but there were no tears. And once he got used to not eating at night, he went back to sleep with a quick cuddle/reposition/pat on the back/tummy.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Dazedstella

Thank you for your supportive responses. Unfortunately I know she's not ready to nightwean because she still wakes up really hungry and can't settle back down unless she's eaten, and usually she falls right back asleep then when she's had a bottle.

Thank you again.

It's a viscous circle though. The more she eats at night the more she keeps up that habit. Nightweaning will push her to get her calories during the day. I just weaned (day and night) my 20 month old and she eats way, way more during the day now. She eats more and cuddles more and then at night she sleeeeeeeeeeps. Finally

Hope you find something that works for you soon.

[Dazedstella]

UGH. Last night should have been better. She stayed up late because my parents got home from a trip and we are housesitting. She was super excited to see them and didn't relax enough to do bedtime until 10pm. She got up twice to eat, and would have kept sleeping this morning, except that one of my parents dogs started hacking in our room at 6:40 and woke everyone up , including her. She was heavily asleep too so she likely would have slept until at least 8, which would have been perfect!

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

She is still taking 2 naps a day? I recommend transitioning her to one nap, and putting her to bed earlier. This helped us a LOT with DS's nighttime sleep. Try reading the book "Sleepless in America." It has great strategies for structuring your day to help nighttime sleep.

She doesn't take two naps a day, except on rare occasions when she gets SO little sleep the night before. Most days she has only one nap that is about 2-3 hrs in length (closer to 2 mostly). We have tried everything to get her to sleep earlier, you can bounce, dance, swing, anything for hours and both just end up sweaty and uncomfortable if she isn't ready. I will read that book, hopefully I can pick it up today.

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185

As for the nightweaning, my DS was hungry at night too when he was still allowed to nurse. His body was used to getting all of those calories at night. When we nightweaned, he started eating more during the day to make up for it, and now he does not need to eat during the night. I was in your same place, so tired but reluctant to do anything because I thought A) it wouldn't work and B) he wasn't ready. Well, much to my delighted surprise it worked wonderfully, and he did great. I took it slow, and yes he fussed but there were no tears. And once he got used to not eating at night, he went back to sleep with a quick cuddle/reposition/pat on the back/tummy.

So how do you do it? Is it any different for a bottle fed baby? How do I do it without losing much more sleep because I can barely function at my job or in my life now and I can't handle being any less rested.

Thank you again.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Dazedstella

So how do you do it? Is it any different for a bottle fed baby? How do I do it without losing much more sleep because I can barely function at my job or in my life now and I can't handle being any less rested.

Thank you again.

I don't think it's different. I nightweaned both of mine beginning Friday night so that DH would be there to help and either of us could sleep in the next day if necessary. It's totally worth it to suck up a few nights of worse sleep for ultimately much better sleep. What's the worst that can happen? If it doesn't help then at least you tried.

You could also cut down the bottles slowly. But if I were you I'd do it all in one shot and maybe offer milk in a cup if you think she's hungry (point being that my guess is that it's the bottle routine she's hooked on. Not the actual milk).

With both of mine I had in my head that it was the only way forward. I literally did not see nursing as an option anymore (both times I was weaning fully). So that really helped me to stay focused. My job was to help my little one relax. For DS it was easy - I just cuddled him. For DD she was getting annoyed with me so I left her with DH and she calmed right down. After 3 nights on the couch, I moved back and now we all STTN!

[CliffsideMama]

I hope you get some good long sleep soon. Being tired seems to change how you feel and react to everything, doesn't it?

I found that our family bed really helped me not be tired when Dd was an infant. After her second birthday it seemed like she was waking at night to nurse out of habit, not need. She has always eaten small amounts and is on the tiny side so we felt that her getting all the breast milk she wanted was a priority.

But sleeping through the night is important too! So about a month ago I told her my breasts need to sleep at night just like she does. The first few nights were hard; she'd wake up and want to nurse.... but we kept a special cup of water near the bed, offer it to her (this really seems to help), cuddle, and she'd fall back asleep. Then on july 11, she slept through the night for the very first time in her life. Incredible!! I was elated.

Now it's typical that she wakes once/twice a night. I'll help her drink some water and she usually falls right back asleep. She has also chosen her big girl bed (where she naps in the afternoon) over our bed every night since night weaning began. I try to start off in our bed and go to her when she wakes at night. But sometimes she wakes up crying "daddy!" and that's nice! I have not noticed that she's any hungrier or crankier during the day, despite not having any milk at night.

Best of luck to you. I realize DD is significantly older than yours so maybe the things that work for us might not yet work for you.