Damn damn damn damn damn. I am feeling pretty low again today. Thinking not nice thoughts about myself, wanting to be alone, frustrated with having to watch the baby even though my mom was here for 5 hours this morning helping out. The cat just tripped me a little and I swear it was all I could do to not kick him across the room
I'm trying to tell myself it's just one off day, doesn't mean PPD is back, and even if it is, I'm getting help and can try a new SSRI if need be. But I am having to fight myself in my head pretty hard to get me to give myself a break (if that even makes sense).
How can I love this baby SO much and want to be with her every second of her life, and simultaneously wish desperately I had time to read/shower/work/do nothing, and just be all by myself (much less with DH alone)?... Sigh.
I'm getting that motherhood is just kind of crazymaking, and it makes it tough to tell when I actually am going crazy for real, and not just overwhelmed and frustrated
I also felt pretty sad reading that the April club is coming down soon... I know I tend to just vent and talk about myself on here, and I feel guilt for that, but I also feel a lot of comfort and freedom here, and find myself just nodding my head a lot when reading others' posts, even if I don't post. So it will be sad to have that space disappear.
I also think I am really, really sensitive to sleep deprivation... in the past it has led to things like mono and panic attacks and just a lot of illness and difficulty. So I am trying to ask DH for more and more nighttime help but it is so hard sometimes, I feel guilty and confused. He has said to me "what did you expect?" when I'm struggling with motherhood, and although I know it's just in the heat of an argument, it's really hard to take that.
One day at a time... and, in better news, little miss S is just the cutest dang thing you've ever seen (aside from all of your cutie pies, of course), can't stop talking while sucking in her lower lip so she sounds like she's under water. Ha!