Guilt/tension over NOT DIY... Am I too miserly???

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know if this is more of a personal growth issue but it's directly related to finances so I figured I'd post here...

I've always been a die-hard do-it-yourself-er... it was just how I was brought up, even as a young kid I was putting up drywall & painting & building furniture & learning how to change oil in the car etc. It's partly about having pride in taking care of our home/car/yard/etc. & the sense of accomplishment in fixing or building something but hugely to save money.

DH was brought up not knowing how to hammer in a nail... they'd call the plumber or the electrician or the mechanic for even basic repairs... I think DIY isn't even something they considered an option.

So we're coming from 2 very different backgrounds.

Well now the car is currently at the shop, we're paying over $200 for something we could have done ourselves for ~$100... The house is torn apart and DH just doesn't seem to have the skills to fix it. I think he WANTS to DIY but he's just not realistic about his abilities. So he's willing to learn but he gets overly optimistic & in over his head. Then he will just go pay someone to do something and not even get a few quotes first. For the car repair he paid $90 for diagnostics that the place down the street would have done for free.

I have a chronic illness & am physically unable to do much in the way of home maintenance. So now I'm feeling really frustrated that we are paying for other people to do things I want to but can't do & I want DH to be handy & I want our family to rely on ourselves more but obviously it's not realistic.

So I'm not sure what exactly I'm asking... I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in this kind of situation... and how your family manages DIY vs. pay someone else... and the issue of DH not handling the financial aspect of the repairs too well either... it seems to be causing constant tension between me & DH. I manage our finances & part of me wants to just give him $100 a month or whatever for maintenance/repairs so I don't have to deal with my frustrations with him but 1 - he'd continue to waste our money & 2 - the expenses aren't predictable enough for a strict 'allowance' to be practical. I don't know how to let go of this "always DIY" mentality and I'd really like our house to be in a more livable condition. I want to just dive in & do it myself but I physically can't. I try to explain to DH how to do it but the quality is just... not great. Like there are mounds of spackle on the wall in the playroom & trim cut too short etc. so it just looks... ridiculous. We had help from my dad for a bit but he doesn't have time anymore. So I don't know whether to just pay $10K++ for someone to come in & fix/finish everything, or hope I find an effective treatment for my illness soon, or just leave everything a mess & hope DH gets around to it even if it will be lackluster quality.

I just feel so hung-up on this issue... We aren't spenders, we rarely spend $1 beyond absolute necessities (i.e. we don't have cable or eat out or buy clothes or go to $$ attractions etc.) I guess we're kind of minimalists in a 'spending' sense. Arghhh can't really explain what I mean but... thoughts??

[sweetjasmine]

Hm, I don't really have an answer for you. Just wanted to commiserate. We live in an apartment but have done a few upgrades and maintenance ourselves, just some small things. For example replacing the kitchen faucet with a nicer one, installing water filter system as well as under cabinet lighting, etc. I like the idea of DIY, I just don't trust my own abilities and frankly, not dh's abilities either. He's willing but it's seems to be hit or miss with him. Sometimes he succeeds but I know that other times could be an improvement. He got together a balcony garden for us and took care of it himself but promptly killed the herbs, the carrots, the onions, the jalapenos, the bell peppers. The only thing that succeeded was the tomatoes for several weeks but they are now dying too. He waters and fertilizes but I don't think he got the soil right. I knew I should have googled how to accomplish some of that but he didn't want to, figured he could do it himself. He said his parents had a garden while he was growing up. Now we have a bunch of 5-gallon buckets with dead plants on our balcony.

He has an old, small house in another town in which his mother currently lives. He had done a lot of DIY when he lived there with his ex and omg, some of it is bad. That poor house! They added a bedroom and also another space or large closet off the living room. Ugh, doesn't look good. But he tries.

[crunchy_mommy]

HAHAHAAA we also have dead plants in our front yard!! So much for cucumbers and squash...

Sometimes I can laugh about it but I can only imagine if we ever wanted/needed to sell our house, this whole place is a miserable mess...

I feel bad because he DOES try, it's just... not too successful. I try to honor his efforts but I get so frustrated at the same time.

[lolar2]

You could put $100 a month into a savings account meant specifically for repairs. Then you'd be doing the $100-a-month thing you mentioned but it wouldn't have to be so predictable.

[sweetjasmine]

I'm worried about dh selling his house, too. It really is in bad shape. It was a cute little house once upon a time. His mother is moving out of it this year and told him to go ahead and put it up for sale. It's in an older but nice neighborhood and sits on about an acre and a half. I think it could have fetched a nice sum in the years before the recession but now I'm not sure how much he can get for it. There's alot wrong with it but it would totally be a nice DIY job for someone so inclined.

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

I feel bad because he DOES try, it's just... not too successful. I try to honor his efforts but I get so frustrated at the same time.

Well if YOU are physically unable to do the work, and your DH does try but isn't successful, I think it may be time to change your attitude. It seems like you're holding your DH to some pretty high standards- you're asking him to do more than what you're able to do yourself.

And I do understand where you're coming from, because I grew up in a DIY household. And I guess I'm lucky enough to have a DIY DH. But I can imagine I'd feel similar to you if my DH wasn't able to fix all of the things I thought he should be able to fix. It does sound frustrating, but I think it's okay for you guys to have different approaches.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by annethcz

Well if YOU are physically unable to do the work, and your DH does try but isn't successful, I think it may be time to change your attitude. It seems like you're holding your DH to some pretty high standards- you're asking him to do more than what you're able to do yourself.

Yes that's exactly it... I know it's more my attitude (and my illness) at issue here than anything DH is doing. I know he's trying his best but it's just not working out right. I feel bad that he's putting in the effort to do things he's not really able to do & he could be spending his time better. I am just having a hard time changing my mentality & figuring out how to work the additional expenses into our budget, which will likely be getting even tighter soon...

[GuildJenn]

You know value works in a lot of different ways.

When a family's healthy and has time and energy and the right guidance/knowledge I think DIY is great - my husband and I renovated a home top to bottom ourselves and it was a great 7 year journey. But, we didn't have kids, we didn't travel, we didn't have people over a lot - we "paid" in other ways.

Now we have a son and we both work and sometimes it's just worth it to hire someone else. When we moved in I was 7.5 months pregnant and we hired a house painter. Painting! One of the world's simplest DIY projects! And it was expensive. And it was WORTH EVERY PENNY to bring our newborn home to a painted house.

Just some thoughts - where the line is will be different for everyone.

[newbymom05]

I agree w/ the others. I actually try to budget $250 or more for emergency repairs. If we don't use it, great, I can roll it over to the eventual HVAC, roof, flooring--I could spend money on this house all day long. And it's only 15 yrs old and we maintain it! My DH has taught himself some handy skills, but we would both rather pay someone than deal w/ the stress of trying to do big repairs. I think too that usually the people who are handy are handy because they enjoy the tasks and so have had a lot of practice. You really can't compare the skills set of a putterer to someone who's picked up a book to save a little $$.

I guess I"m saying houses are money pits and you should probably cut your DH some slack.

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by lolar2

You could put $100 a month into a savings account meant specifically for repairs. Then you'd be doing the $100-a-month thing you mentioned but it wouldn't have to be so predictable.

I feel like I am following you around telling you I like your ideas, but I like this idea.

We live in a hundred year old house that needs a lot of work. Our situation is a little different than yours in that we have zero skills, but I always feel like I should be doing stuff ourselves and I feel guilty spending money, not that there's a whole lot to spend. So instead, nothing gets done and things get worse. I do not recommend this. I like the idea of tucking money away each month so things can get done.

[lolar2]

That's OK, I think I got most of them from things I should have done and didn't, anyway.

[crunchy_mommy]

So wait are you saying set $100 a month (or whatever amount) aside & just use it to fund whatever needs to get done?

I was originally thinking $100/mo for emergency/non-negotiable repairs (like the car NEEDED to be repaired to pass inspection) but I guess our issue is the whole house SHOULD be finsihed but doesn't NEED to be (we still have a roof over our head regardless of whether there are real floors or spackled walls) so do I only put $100 toward critical repairs or does it go toward any maintenance?

Why is this so confusing for me?!

We're strict with our money but not strict with the budget, if that makes sense (i.e. the amounts above are what we typically spend but sometimes we go over or under quite a bit & we have a lot of padding & good amount of savings so it's not a big deal)... So we just spend whatever we need to spend (with the understanding that we don't eat out or buy non-necessities as a rule) and don't allot certain amounts for certain things beyond the basic bills above...

So, given all that, what would be a 'reasonable' amount that a non-obsessed DIY'er would put toward home/car maintenance etc.? Does it make sense to pay someone else to finish our house when we still have student loan & mortgage debt? And what about the fact that I probably won't be working this time next year? I don't want to get used to living "above our means"... should we wait 'til next year to see if we can afford home repairs & only do "critical" repairs now??

[pumpkin]

I would never hire someone to hem a pair of pants and yet I know plenty of people who really value a good tailor.

Last year I paid someone to mow my grass and someone else to clean my house because I wasn't physically able and DH was really overwhelmed.


I love the DIY attitude, but I think it can go overboard. I think its best to figure out your skill strengths. Do those projects yourselves. The borderline stuff you need to make the decision on a case by case basis depending upon your time and money. Never discount the value of your time. With time you can earn money or get the rest you need to earn money so its not just about relaxation time, its a financial equation.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

So, given all that, what would be a 'reasonable' amount that a non-obsessed DIY'er would put toward home/car maintenance etc.? Does it make sense to pay someone else to finish our house when we still have student loan & mortgage debt? And what about the fact that I probably won't be working this time next year? I don't want to get used to living "above our means"... should we wait 'til next year to see if we can afford home repairs & only do "critical" repairs now??

My parents just had a bunch of home repairs done over the space of several years. They got a basic, rough estimate for everything-- itemized-- and then had it all done in order of urgency. A lot of things got delayed. Actually a lot of non-critical things still haven't been done, but the house is still fine.

Keeping your house from falling down around you is not living above your means except in the sense that, if it is so hard for you to afford, maybe you should (if possible) consider selling the house and getting a rental. But if you own a house, a certain amount of repair work is going to be necessary; and someone who can't do the work married to someone who doesn't know how, is a couple who will have to hire it done.

[Logan's Mom]

I've heard anywhere between 1-3% of the home's value to set aside each year.

I would definately fix anything that is critical. Next, I would repair/replace anything that would have an adverse effect if you let it go (ie cause more damage because it wasn't repaired sooner-the check engine light is on, you need an oxygen sensor but ran it too long so now you need a more costly repair). After that, I would repair/replace that could save money in the long run (ie: windows need to be repaired). Last I would tackle would be cosmetics.

All speaking from a financial perspective. Having grown up in a home my entire childhood where my dad was a DIY but took FOREVER to get it done, I want stuff done asap. I'm not sure how many months/years it took us to get carpet. We literally walked on cement floors and had to avoid carpet tacks. That really sucked! I never want to put my son in that type of situation.

I find having a list and a plan of action seems to make things less overwhelming (well, once you get used to how LONG the list really is...)

[HeatherAtHome]

As someone who is spending their vacation gutting a poorly built addition and rebuilding... I was dreaming of hiring someone to take care of it all today. Especially as we were pulling down half rotted drywall ceiling with torn up fiberglass insulation and like a million bits of pine cone falling down around our heads (stupid squirrels!!!) and finding TWO wasp nests.... But, we're supposedly "able" and we can save so much money. We're both big DIYers but hey, there's a limit! DH wants to do this though.

What about finding a handyman to do some work for you? Instead of a big contractor/team. That way you can pay bit by bit, room by room instead of it being a big thing.

[Usually Curious]

I come from a family of very competent DIYers. My dh is an artist. He chooses colors and I do the rest. Well, that was the way it used to be ...

He gutted the kitchen when I was 8 mos pregnant w/my 6th child. I have had a difficult recovery and therefore he has had to do everything that needed to be done around here. He's doing great!

It's not exactly the way I want it to look. It's taking forever. And I'm not saying a negative word to him.

The effort he is putting into our home out of love for me just blows me away.

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

You know value works in a lot of different ways.

When a family's healthy and has time and energy and the right guidance/knowledge I think DIY is great - my husband and I renovated a home top to bottom ourselves and it was a great 7 year journey. But, we didn't have kids, we didn't travel, we didn't have people over a lot - we "paid" in other ways.

Now we have a son and we both work and sometimes it's just worth it to hire someone else. When we moved in I was 7.5 months pregnant and we hired a house painter. Painting! One of the world's simplest DIY projects! And it was expensive. And it was WORTH EVERY PENNY to bring our newborn home to a painted house.

Just some thoughts - where the line is will be different for everyone.

Agree 100% As a woman married to a very handy man and we are the King and Queen of DIY, this is something we BOTH do. We both like doing this, its not for everyone though. We are 3 years into a house we bought that needs to be renovated. As much as we love it, you have to both be 150% on board to do such an endevour. And yes, there are things we draw the line at and contract out.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

So I'm not sure what exactly I'm asking... I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in this kind of situation... and how your family manages DIY vs. pay someone else...

Here's what we used to do-- at least before we had DS! lol! DH had never lived in a house until we bought our own 3 years ago. My mom was a ms. fixit, and both DH and I are cheap.

We are a little like you: DH is much more capable, physically than I am-- I'm a klutz, and I"m scared of hights. And, lately, I'm I feel like I"m always pregnant. When a "project" comes up-- It's mostly up to me to get a few quotes; and then figure out how to do something our self and how much that would cost. Most of this is done with a few minutes on the phone/internet. (or talking to my mom!)

Once we look at the money and decide-- DH normally tackles the project while I take care of the baby/hand him stuff/bring him cold drinks.

Once it's black and white about the money; dh is waay more motivated to DIY (I make 30 bucks for each fan I install!). And I feel that I am contributing to some of the work, by making all the calls/doing the prep work. HTH!

[mamaofprincesses]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with hiring out critical projects when you are ill and your DH busy and inexperienced.

And if it makes you feel better, I have seen many, many DIY projects that LOOKED fine but were actually poorly done/not up to code/otherwise lacking in quality. I think DIY is great if you invest the time to really learn to do it properly. Otherwise I think it's a disaster waiting to happen.

And as much as you wish your DH were more handy (or maybe just had more experience) he isn't and he doesn't, and I'm sure there are many good reasons why you married him anyway. I find it helpful to concentrate on DH's many good qualities when he is not doing something I wish he'd do.