"can't get approved for adoption" ?

[marsupial-mom]

I hear some people say thIs. Now, I know some adoption agencies won't approve gay couples or single people and I know most adoption agencies won't approve older people, people with certain disabilities, and no one will approve an adoption by people who have a conviction of child abuse or neglect. And I know there are income requirements and mental health requirements.... But I was surprised at how easily we were approved to become foster parents. I assume adoption approval will be rather easy too.

But I think most people who say they couldn't get approved for adoption are really saying something else. I think most people could get approved. I think that either they believe myths about adoption, they just don't want to adopt, or they don't want to adopt certain children. I feel like people who say they couldn't get approved for adoption aren't being honest. What do you think?

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

I feel like people who say they couldn't get approved for adoption aren't being honest. What do you think?

In a literal sense, yes, I agree. I think there are many people who SHOULD NOT be approved for adoption who pass with flying colors.

However, I applaud people who are honest with themselves to not persue adoption at any given time because of their fears or because they don't think it would be a good fit. Why on earth would anyone want to subject a child to parents who only adopted because other people thought they "should" or to save face once the parents had an epiphany that perhaps they shouldn't?

Not only that, isn't it a bit arrogant to assume that you know everything about these folks, including finances, past criminal convictions, health (mental or physical), how well they would do with having to speak about issues from their past, ect?

When people tell you these things, let it go. There is nothing wrong with *not* adopting. Esp. if you feel that you wouldn't be a good fit. If you like, you could ask if the wanted your input, and share some of the hurdles ou were able to overcome that people might stereotypically assume would negate your chances of adopting. But otherwise--why assume people are lying to you? And even if they were, what is the problem? Not everyone chooses the adoption path. Better that people who don't feel up to the challenge don't take it up, than to put a child in a situation where they're rejected...twice. KWIM? And feelings change over time. Maybe after they give it some thought, if it still pulls at them, they will. But that is on their own time, not an outsider's.

[marsupial-mom]

I should clarify. I hear this reason given in the context of fertility treatments. They say they are doing IVF because they can't adopt. I do "let it go" and in fact I have stopped encouraging adoption in general. I don't think it's suitable for most people - they want genetic children, period. I never pressure anyone to have or not have kids, adopt or foster, etc.

I just wanted to talk about honesty. I strongly get the feeling that adoption myths are so prevelant that people literally lie to themselves about it. I was curious what others thought about that.

[SubliminalDarkness]

We've been told we are ineligible to adopt based on DH's past cancer. Prior to that, we were ineligible based on my age(too young).

[someonenamedleah]

I don't think that people are actually lying to themselves, but I do think that if you take more than a cursory glance at adoption, you see how complicated and overwhelming the process is and, I think unless one in really committed to the idea of adopting, ivf or other if treatments might seem like an easier option. And, requirements vary a lot as far as domestic vs international vs foster to adopt and vary from state to state, agency to agency. For example, pp said she was too young and dh had cancer so they could not adopt. My dh had cancer and we didn't have any problems, but we would have been excluded from some international programs. I have a friend who adopted at 24. For some agencies and international programs dh was too old. For some agencies, we were the wrong religion. Some we could not afford. There really are a lot variables and I think it can be really disheartening.

That said, what I find more annoying is people who have no connection to adoption saying to those going through if treatments, "oh why go though all that... why don't you just adopt?"

[Smithie]

"I feel like people who say they couldn't get approved for adoption aren't being honest. "

I think it really depends on circumstances that you may not be privy to, and where they live. It may well be that in a given area, adoption of an infant through social serivices is not a realistic goal for people who aren't willing to take a long line of temporary placements, losing baby after baby, just dealing with the accumalted losses until one "sticks." That's not a sane or ethical adoption plan. It's a great choice for people who truly want to be foster parents and are open to adoption if one or more of their placements can't go home. For people who do not have a vocation to foster and whose sole goal is adoption, it seems to me just as terrible as enduring miscarriage after miscarriage, only you don't have to worry for the rest of your life that your miscarried fetuses are suffering at the hands of an abuser.

Private adoption is an avenue that's open basically everywhere, (if you can pay!) but there's always the medical history factor, there's the religion factor if you're not Xtian, there's the reality that is you are not physically attractive people then your profile will not be viewed as favorably as if you are both blond and perky, etc. etc. A lot of people you talk to may well have made inquiries into adoption and come to understand that it's not something they are likely to have sucess with given their location, personal circumstances, and finances. PErhaps a more straightforward way to put it would be "we don't haves access to an adoption process that can bring an infant into our home without the real possibility that he/she will be taken away."

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

I just wanted to talk about honesty. I strongly get the feeling that adoption myths are so prevelant that people literally lie to themselves about it. I was curious what others thought about that.

What adoption myths are you speaking of? IMO adoption mythology tends to go the other direction (it's sooooo easy and always wonderful!) just as much. I think people can and do lie to themselves in every direction about adoption.

*Love cures everything.
*I'll be the "real parent" and my kid won't care about those other people.
*Biology doesn't matter.
*I can love my kid out of RAD.
*Having a baby in my arms will cure my sadness over my infertility.
*Birth order doesn't matter.
*Race doesn't matter.
*Adopted kids will always turn out to be sluts/criminals/lowlifes like their bio parents.
*Adopted kids are all broken.
*My kid will always yearn for their biological family.
*All kids in foster care will act out sexually and will experience attachment difficulties.
*I'd never be able to parent a child with <insert disability, physical or emotional>.
*What, <insert disability, physical or emotional>? No problem! My love will cure everything and I'm absolutely 100 percent prepared!


I think one can lie themselves into adoption as well as out of. Me personally, I prefer the latter rather than the former. And there are some lies that most people have to believe at least at first to get themselves to stick their toe into parenting *anyway*, bio or adoptive.

[Got_Cloth]

My Husband and I applied for Foster/adoption with an agency in my state about 2 years ago. We applied, made it thru the first interview, then in home interview, and MAPP classes were set. a week later i got a call that there was dust on my base boards, and gardening shoes, outside my front door, so my home was unfit for children. After dealing with infertility, then recurrent pregnancy loss, this was a HUGE blow to my family. I dont know if i will try again for sure, but i think another agency, might be better.
My Home is clean, my children are thriving and, my husband and i have a fantastic marriage and have been together for 14 years. He has a great job as an IT manager, and i am a homeschooling at home mom. I devote my life to children. To be told " I cant adopt" was just as hard as the months of infertility.

[wallabi]

Frankly, I think that what they might be saying is that they don`t want to have a conversation with you about adoption at the moment.

Yeah, they may be lying to you, but why not? They are not obligated to discuss their feelings on the subject of infertility, infertility treatments and adopting after infertility with everyone who asks. For many people it may be an intentional conversation stopper, not indicating an antipathy towards adoption or a belief in any myths at all. People who have been dealing with infertility for years have had years of other people in their business, people giving unwanted and often rediculous advice and people asking rude, intrusive questions, including "why are you spending so much money trying to get pregnant?" and "why don`t you just adopt?" as if it were as simple as walking down to the nearest agency and asking for a baby, please, and "just adopt, then you`ll get pregnant. it happened to me next door neighbors sisters fathers neice!"

Lying to passing strangers, or even to friends who probably won`t understand, does not mean a person is lying to themselves.

[pumpkingirl71]

This is a weird thread. People say that to me too. All of the time. I don't bring it up, they do. It really bothers me. I am not sure why, except that I KNOW it isn't true. I am kind of freaked out that everyone is making excuses for these people, since it happens to me so much. I assumed this happened to all adoptive parents.

I do know one person who brings this up all of the time was really denied by Catholic Charities and didn't try other agencies. Most tell me they want to adopt or foster, but have been/would be rejected. They tell me reasons that simply aren't true, like we looked into it and they told us two girls can't share a room and we can't afford to move.

I am not passing judgement on these people, but it is awkward and freaks me out. Honestly, for the reasons that tigerchild explained, I don't take a pro adoption stance with people. If someone wants to adopt, I want them to get to that decision themselves. I am just shocked that marsupial-mom and I are the only ones who have been made uncomfortable by this...

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

I am just shocked that marsupial-mom and I are the only ones who have been made uncomfortable by this...

I think anyone is made uncomfortable by facetious or overly intimate gushing. I am not an adoptive parent, so I don't get people making those particular noises at me--but I can tell you that I DO feel very cagey and uncomfortable by people saying, "OH how WONDERFUL that your parents RESCUED you...I ALWAYS wanted to adopt!!" and crap like that. And during my darkest moments I wanted to kick people in the head who ran up to me with my baby twins only to bother us and coo and gush, "zOMG you're so LUCKY I ALWAYS wanted TWIINNNNSSSS..."

I think when people say stupid and awkward things proactively they are just really longing to connect with you for some reason and they simply are going ham-handed about it. People like to connect with adoptive parents. They like to connect with adoptees (and I agree, non-triad members do have this attraction to triad members, with the unfortunate exception of birthparents sometimes, IMO because of the happyhappyjoyjoy adoption mythos out there). They like to connect with multiracial families. They like to connect with multiples families. Anything "out of the ordinary". Dunno if it's novelty or what.

I think most people mean well. But when you're just trying to frickin' get through the grocery store or make small talk at the neighborhood BBQ it gets really annoying and uncomfortable.

[MissinNYC]

We've been told we are ineligible to adopt based on DH's past cancer. Prior to that, we were ineligible based on my age(too young).

Ineligible for what type of adoption? I believe in most states to adopt from the state/CPS you need to be 18.

I get what the OP is saying. I personally don't give a flying fig if people adopt or not, but it's annoying when people say "Oh, you're so great to adopt, I would love to but I just could never do it because of XYZ!" When XYZ is usually BS. Either they should say nothing, or they should be honest about their reasoning.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I think most people mean well. But when you're just trying to frickin' get through the grocery store or make small talk at the neighborhood BBQ it gets really annoying and uncomfortable.

I completely agree Makes me wonder what I say that gets under other people's skin!

[SubliminalDarkness]

Originally Posted by someonenamedleah

For example, pp said she was too young and dh had cancer so they could not adopt. My dh had cancer and we didn't have any problems, but we would have been excluded from some international programs.

What we found out was that it depended on the type of cancer(DH's has a high rate of recurrence) and the amount of time that has passed since treatment(his was only in fall).
I don't appreciate the flippant attitude that I am simply misinformed.

Originally Posted by MissinNYC

Ineligible for what type of adoption? I believe in most states to adopt from the state/CPS you need to be 18.

We're unwilling to adopt a child that would disrupt our existing children's birth order. Perhaps that means I shouldn't say we're "unable to adopt," but I do say it.

[BaaBaa]

I suspect we are a family who really cant adopt. Its more than just a financial thing (we couldn't afford the process from what ive been told), its lots of small reasons that make us generally disagreeable to the system

such as -

- we dont have a phone or perm. address
- we currently live in a house that would never pass inspection (its a "shed")
- we don't have indoor plumbing (i hand wash cloth we compost in an outhouse, solar shower)
- DH works FT (12 hours a day if you count commute time) and we still are considered very low income(even though we live very happily/healthy).
- I dont agree with the concept of day care or babysitters or school outside the home.
- DD didnt ever see a Dr until she was 18 months old, is non-vaxed
old.

i dont think any 1 thing about us would make it impossible, but I have a feeling as a package we would been seen as unsuitable?

[RedOakMomma]

I haven't read all the replies...just putting that out there.

This was said to me the other night actually "we couldn't get approved for adoption."

In that case, and in a few others, it's misinformation. People who, in a very slight way, looked into adoption and found one or two closed doors, assumed that it would be that way everywhere, and stopped trying. This seems to happen a lot in international adoption.

The mom I was talking to hadn't looked into program-specifics at all...she'd just "been told" that because she already had two bio kids, "places" wouldn't let her adopt a child. She was actually really happy when I said that we adopted with three kids already in the home, and asked tons more questions--even our agency name.

I think adoption is a very, very confusing subject for a lot of people, and--depending on your personality type--if you hear rumors that it's hard, or that they won't accept a certain kind of person/couple, then there's an end to it. I have some friends who are like this with other things in their lives...job opportunities, meeting new people, trying new things, etc. They hear one discouraging thing and decide not to put any more mental/physical/emotional effort into it.

"We couldn't get approved for adoption" doesn't really mean much. I would guess that most of the people saying it haven't actually TRIED to get approved for adoption. Just that, for some reason--trivial or not--, they are under the impression that they wouldn't be a good fit for adoption.

Heck...if I were one of the rare couples that had actually TRIED to get approved for adoption, and failed my homestudy, I probably wouldn't be talking about it. If someone is so easy to dismiss their eligibility with "we couldn't get approved," I would automatically assume they hadn't tried all that hard at all.

[MissinNYC]

We're unwilling to adopt a child that would disrupt our existing children's birth order. Perhaps that means I shouldn't say we're "unable to adopt," but I do say it.

Well, yeah, you shouldn't say you can't, if it's your choice not to. I think you have a great reason not to (not that it's my business!) so why say you can't? Just say that birth order is important to you and you choose not to adopt right now because of it. But saying you can't gives a false impression, I think.

Its more than just a financial thing (we couldn't afford the process from what ive been told),

State adoption is free. Your other circumstances might preclude you, depending on the agency and your particulars, but it doesn't cost anything.

Again, no one has to make excuses or feel like they need to defend the perfectly valid choice not to adopt. But when excuses are proffered, unasked, those of us who have adopted will refute them, if they're not accurate.

[BaaBaa]

the last post by zen is showing up as unreadable for me? somethings not working. ??

[lauren]

All is well. Something needed to be removed.

[htcamommy]

We were denied at first to foster at first based on one thing people really don't like to tell people. Conviction. When my dh was 19 he and another boy got into a bad fight and the other boy was hospitialized. My dh pled guilty to assault, served 6 months probation, and never had another incident with the law. However when his record was ran it he was guilty of assault and kicked out of the foster care process. My dh is now 37, and we were lucky enough to have family members who are also foster parents speak on our behalf. Once the situation was explained to a human being by both my husband, the police report, and a noterized statement from the other gentleman involved, it was recognized for what it truely was, two stupid teenage boys fighting over a girl.
It might be something that is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS as to why they were not approved. Perhaps possession of an illegal substance during their college years, a DUI, theft on a dare from friends.