Originally Posted by MissinNYC
Maybe I misunderstood, but I thought the OP was talking about people who say, unasked, that they cannot adopt. I have never asked anyone why they haven't/won't/can't adopt, but people tell me completely independently all the time that they really wish they were as good as me, as loving as me, as sacrificial as me, because clearly foster parents are some sort of saints.
hmm...but surely these can not all
be people undergoing treatement for infertility that are coming up to you and starting this converstaion out of the blue. I mean, there just aren`t that many people going through IVF for that to be the case. undoubtedly people coming up to you unasked and gushing has its own issues, but I don`t see that it has much bearing on the motives and thoughts a person going through IVF has towards adoption.
meanwhile, (sorry, mulitiquote - what is that?), marsupial mom wrote:
In fact, I'm not even sure they should consider adoption at all since it's clearly way way way down on their list... It's plan G or plan H for them. Plan A was to conceive without intervention. Plan B was first fertility treatment. Plan C was second treatmen... And so on...
This statement really, really bugs me. So much so that instead of doing what I should be doing this morning I am here writing, even though I doubt I can make you see another perspective.
Do you think that when dh and I decided to make a family, we sat down and made a list of all the possible ways, and the children that would result from them, and assigned them an order and gave them points for desirability, and placed adoption in the 7th or 8th spot??? No, dear, we did not. We said, lets have a family and set about it the simplest way we knew how.
Now, a year down that road, it became evident that something wasn`t right, and after a year of invasive testing, doctors with poor listening skills and a cancer scare, it was eventually decided that I had an illness (infertility is, after all, a physical or chemical health problem, frequently the result of an (often painful or disruptive) underlying health condition no one will treat us for until we try to make a baby), and the process of treating that illness was also, hopefully, supposed to improve our chances of getting pregnant, and we did some additional fertility treatments following that, in the hope that, in a year, at the most, we would be bringing our child home. In the end, that did not happen, and when it became clear that we were not going to be starting our family with a child made from bits of the two of us, we started looking at other ways to build a family.
Now, what, exactly, is it that bothers you about that? When do you
think we should have stopped persuing fertility treatments and started the whole long journey of learning and uncertainty and waiting that is trying to adopt so as to be fit PAPs? Why is it that you are not sure we should have considered adoption?
Seriously, I want to know.
ETA: One more thing -
It saddens me that so few adoptive patents choose adoption as plan A. It really saddens me!
I'm not yet mature enough to deal with those feelings without being hurtful to infertile people so I don't even talk about it in real life, only online.
I don`t quite get this, because surely the responsibility to choose adoption first does not rest only with people who turn out to be infertile?