"can't get approved for adoption" ? - Page 3

[wallabi]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I guess the only perfect people to adopt are infertile people who didn't know it and chose adoption as a first choice so they never find out that they are either. :P
.

lol
just so. would that I would have been one of those perfect, people, though, and could have spent the years before we had all of our ducks in a row for adoption enjoying myself instead of working through the pain and loss and grief that known infertility brings!

I agree wholeheartedly that the primary concern around infertility and adoption is being sure that people have worked through their grief and are ready to move on. so hard to judge from the outside, yet so very important.


thanks for the laugh - I have been taking this thread a little too personally.

[someonenamedleah]

What we found out was that it depended on the type of cancer(DH's has a high rate of recurrence) and the amount of time that has passed since treatment(his was only in fall).
I don't appreciate the flippant attitude that I am simply misinformed.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant or imply that you're misinformed. What I meant was that adoption is a complicated process and there are different requirements depending on what type of adoption one pursues. When we were trying to decide between continuing fertility treatments and adoption, had we stopped after the first, second or third agency we looked into, or based our decision on what we "heard" about requirements to adopt, we would have been those people saying that we would love to adopt but wouldn't be approved.

They like to connect with multiracial families. They like to connect with multiples families. Anything "out of the ordinary". Dunno if it's novelty or what.

I think most people mean well. But when you're just trying to frickin' get through the grocery store or make small talk at the neighborhood BBQ it gets really annoying and uncomfortable.

Tigerchild, you crack me up! As DH says, "we're a spectacle!!!"

But, back to the OP, I haven't had anyone say this to me yet, that they would like to adopt but wouldn't be approved. People say a lot of other weird things, but I haven't gotten this yet.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by miche28

You know when I hear "can't", I don't expect that the person has exhausted every possibility in the universe. I hear, we considered it and there are big obstacles that we don't believe we can overcome.

I think this is true. And how many times have people who have fertility struggles been punched in the face with, "Well, what do you mean you can't have kids, you can *just* adopt some!" (or, "Well, if you would just relax...")

When people finally hit the wall and go through divorce, how many times do they hear, "What do you mean you can't stay married? Just suck it up!"

"What do you mean you can't seem to feel happy about your new baby? Snap out of that depression, it's all in your head Just take this pill/go to this therapist/take this vitamin/Be Grateful! Of course you CAN get better!"

I mean, there is educating, there is challenging people you suspect can deal with it, and then there is being a butt.

IMO....if you are going semantic on people who are vulnerable--butt, you are one. I also think that everyone's a butt some (or even most, for some of us like me) of the time.

And again, if we are speaking of Annoying Strangers here, there's no way in heck that you as the Stranger Yourself know all the ins and outs of the situation to know if can't or won't or OMFGFREAKEDOUTCAN'TDEAL!!! (or should that be WON'TDEAL) You can guess, and sometimes you might be right and many times you will be up to your cheek in foot-in-mouth syndrome. BTDT. I have topped cheek to go all the way to mobius loop, myself. Don't know about y'all.

Though being more than a bit of a butt myself, I consider Proactive Annoyances to be fair game for aiming my buttdom at, IYKWIM. No aspirations to saintdom here.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by miche28

You know when I hear "can't", I don't expect that the person has exhausted every possibility in the universe. I hear, we considered it and there are big obstacles that we don't believe we can overcome.
There are countries where you will not be considered for adoption for a whole host of pretty strange reasons (BMI, gender of existing child, minor mental illness, etc..) as well as the usual things like criminal convictions, marital status, age.

There are also family situations where the children available in programs where the family is otherwise eligible don't work. For example, we have a three year old - adopting in birth order with a minimum spread of 18 months that the ministry needs means we'd need a toddler or younger. Impossible, we were told, unless there were major medical issues (in which case, they'd prefer that the age spread be much wider).

It's kind of like when someone says they 'can't' have bio-kids: are they only being honest with you if they've exhausted every possible medical avenue, no matter the cost/risk/likelihood of success? I would think not.

Either way, I think this is something I would usually leave alone. Same as when a mother tells me she couldn't breastfeed: it is probably not true that that it was impossible, but it's certainly true that she wasn't able to meet her goals for breastfeeding, so I accept that and support it (and provide info when it might be helpful).

I totally agree with this.

The second part I bolded is a good point too. There are plenty of folks who go right to adoption and say they "can't" do fertility treatments, when in fact there may be a possibility.

Someone's methods that they choose to increase their family size with are ones they have their own reasons for. Just because they say they "can't" persue a particular method, that doesn't mean they are automatically lying about what they are truely capable of.

When someone is dealing with IF, "why not just adopt" is one of those things you hear ALL THE TIME. It's right up there with "just relax" and "why can't you be happy with what you already have?" And after hearing those things time and time again, you tend to come up with the best response that will stop the comments. "I can't" is a polite way to get people to stop saying "why not just adopt?" (and all it's variations-why go through all that, why spend all that money for something not guarenteed-as if adoption is guarenteed- etc etc etc)

[mtiger]

Why is it anyone's business why someone can't, won't doesn't want to, whatever, adopt? besides the people who aren't doing so.

It's easy to find offense in any comment. That doesn't mean it exists.