i am at a fork in the road in my life! i really need advice!

[lovebug]

here is a little behind the scene look... please do not judge i just really need advice...

DH is army and has been gone for 4 out of 6 year marriage. we have been together for a little over 8 years. we met online and i moved from Minnesota to Colorado to be with him. after his 2nd deployment he suffered HUGE from PTS and had major drinking issues. in this time he was verbally abusive among other things! he got a DUI and i served him papers at that time, but we (I) worked through it (kinda, still some issues with that!). when he get home from Iraq we have a rough 5-8 mths then things get 'ok' only to have him deploy again 7-4 mths after things get better...

this is how i am feeling...

i feel 100% unsupported! i really want to be back in MN!!!! and i am feeling like i am out growing the marriage. i feel like i have given up EVERYTHING i love and get very little, if anything in return. i see myself married, but i dont think i see myself married with him. i see myself having kids (i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be a mama!!!) i just dont think i see him as the dad of them! i feel like he takes advatage of me and what i am worth. i feel like even when he is home he is never home.

please ask question to help me sort this all out. because god knows i cant wrap my brain around it all and dont know where to start! i am going to see someone monday and will continue with that until i know what i want to do!

thank you all so much! my brain is going a million miles an hour!

i did get a book called 'contemplating divorce' i am hoping it will help me!!!

[zinemama]

You say you don't know where to start, but from what you wrote, it's clear what you want:

- to be where you want to live
- to be in a relationship where you feel supported - unlike now
- to have children, but not with your current husband
- to be with someone who doesn't take advantage of you - unlike your dh
- to get something in return for sacrifices you make for a relationship - unlike now

It's clear that what you want is not be married to this man anymore. You have given it more time and put up with a whole lot more than I can imagine sticking with. You don't have children as a reason to stay (not that I'd stay in a relationship like the one you describe. It's time to go.

[lolar2]

Another thought is, if you do decide to stay married, do you have to stay in Colorado while he is deployed? Can you go back to MN during his deployments? Even if you own a house in CO, maybe you could rent it out or something.

I know there are a bunch of resources out there for military spouses; have you taken advantage of them?

I think you can't actually serve him with divorce papers while he is deployed, is that correct?

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by zinemama

You say you don't know where to start, but from what you wrote, it's clear what you want:

- to be where you want to live
- to be in a relationship where you feel supported - unlike now
- to have children, but not with your current husband
- to be with someone who doesn't take advantage of you - unlike your dh
- to get something in return for sacrifices you make for a relationship - unlike now

It's clear that what you want is not be married to this man anymore. You have given it more time and put up with a whole lot more than I can imagine sticking with. You don't have children as a reason to stay (not that I'd stay in a relationship like the one you describe. It's time to go.

well you hit the nail on the head!

its just hard because to give up the part of my life i hate... i lose so much that i love. i love my house i just dont want it here in colorado. and money is another huge issue. i applied for a job in MN and i am hoping for the life of me i get it. its my way out!

Another thought is, if you do decide to stay married, do you have to stay in Colorado while he is deployed? Can you go back to MN during his deployments? Even if you own a house in CO, maybe you could rent it out or something.

I know there are a bunch of resources out there for military spouses; have you taken advantage of them?

I think you can't actually serve him with divorce papers while he is deployed, is that correct?

DH will NOT let me live in MN while he is deployed. its an end of story topic! i am going to see someone through the ArmyOnesource

i think i can serve him while he is deployed, but i dont think any action can be taken while he is gone...

also knowing my DH he would have 6mths to get very very mad! and i dont know if i want that!

[lovebug]

i should also add that i am making changes to better myself i just dont know how to talk to him!!! i have talked to him a million times if i have done it once and he still is not meeting me needs, but i also know that he is over there.

i feel like i have shut off all feelings with him

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by lovebug

DH will NOT let me live in MN while he is deployed.

Why not? This is a good reason not to stay in this marriage.

Originally Posted by lovebug

also knowing my DH he would have 6mths to get very very mad! and i dont know if i want that!

That's downright scary. It sounds to me like you're afraid of him. Not a good reason to stay in a marriage.

Can you go on an extended visit to MN? Move your stuff into storage (that you pay for) and go stay with family?

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Why not? This is a good reason not to stay in this marriage.

because we have a house here and i think he is worried i would not come back!

That's downright scary. It sounds to me like you're afraid of him. Not a good reason to stay in a marriage.

not that he would hurt me, but that he would find ways to screw with me and i have a feeling the pocket book is where he would plan to hit me! i am afraid of him. he has little regard for me and he thinks we are happy (because he is blind) so i think this will be a shock.
Can you go on an extended visit to MN? Move your stuff into storage (that you pay for) and go stay with family?

i was just there for a mth and my dad wont let my dogs live in the house. i dont want to re home them and they are my babies the only thing i have right now! they have see me through everything!

.

[lolar2]

Are they cold-tolerant dogs like lhasa apsos or something? Could they live in a big dog house?

[zinemama]

Honestly, to me it sounds as if you are making excuses to stay.

You are ideally situated to leave if you want to. Your husband is out the country, so you can make all your preparations without him around. You have a place to go. You are afraid of this man. What's more important, getting away from him while you can, or staying because of your dogs? I don't mean to be harsh or dramatic, but your life and safety are worth more than any emotional ties you have to your pets. Re-home the dogs, rent a u-haul, and start a new life before it's too late.

[laohaire]

Well, just for balance, what are your reasons to stay?

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Well, just for balance, what are your reasons to stay?

i do love him, i just dont think i am in love with him.
he makes me laugh sometimes.


here are the ones everyone is to say are excuses, but here we go
our house
the hard work it took to get us to this point would be gone.
staying money wise would be easier

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Honestly, to me it sounds as if you are making excuses to stay.

You are ideally situated to leave if you want to. Your husband is out the country, so you can make all your preparations without him around. You have a place to go. You are afraid of this man. What's more important, getting away from him while you can, or staying because of your dogs? I don't mean to be harsh or dramatic, but your life and safety are worth more than any emotional ties you have to your pets. Re-home the dogs, rent a u-haul, and start a new life before it's too late.

heres the thing... i dont know if what i am feeing is from the past and i have just not gotten over it. he has change. he does still drink and go out, but he has not been mean while drinking for a long time.

i cant just pick up and leave. i have a lot invested here too. we own our house. we own lots of things together. picking up and leaving is just, in my eyes not a choice.

i do still love this man, i just dont think i am in love with him. is this an excuse, maybe. but i am at this fork because i am always alone with him deploying more then anything else and i get little support from him when he is gone. i support him 100%! i am not worried he is going to hurt me. i would be a little upset if my life as i knew it was being ripped out from under me and there was nothing (at that second) i could do about it being so far away. not that he has not had a million chances before this!

i really wish i felt right doing just as you say! i really with i could run away. but i feel i owe him to stay here til he gets back.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by lovebug

i do love him, i just dont think i am in love with him.
he makes me laugh sometimes.


here are the ones everyone is to say are excuses, but here we go
our house
the hard work it took to get us to this point would be gone.
staying money wise would be easier

I'm honestly not trying to convince you of anything, just trying to help you figure your own stuff out. So with no agenda, my questions:

- the hard work to get to this point - what point? what have you acheived that you don't want to let go?
- do you love your house? (I thought you wanted to go to MI)

Also, a comment: loving but not being in love, plus him making you laugh - sounds like friends to me.

I have to admit the fact that you don't have children really changes the situation. I know I said I was (trying to be?) neutral, but this aspect really affects how I see it.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by lovebug

i really wish i felt right doing just as you say! i really with i could run away. but i feel i owe him to stay here til he gets back.

I hear that. I probably would wait too.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by lovebug

DH will NOT let me live in MN while he is deployed. its an end of story topic! i am going to see someone through the ArmyOnesource



also knowing my DH he would have 6mths to get very very mad! and i dont know if i want that!

Move to MN if you want to. It is your life -and I could see you compromising with a reasonable man who is around - but he seems neither reasonable or around. The "Letting " word is very telling...he is controlling you , which is not OK.

A good question to ask yourself - if you had a DD, would you be happy if she were seeing someone who acts exactly like your DH? If it is not good enough for a loved one, it is not good enough for you!

edited to add: I do think you should wait until he has been back a bit before you serve him with papers. I do think you owe him that. I would rent the house out while you were in MN - it is not ideal, but you own the house together so selling isn't really an option till he is back.

Do you not have any money? Could you not rent a place in MN that allows pets? Get an equity line on the house? Talk to the bank. I think having ones own place is better than living with your father, if possible. I would want to keep my dogs, too.

[Polishbabies]

I hate to sound like an advocate of divorce and I hate to be so blunt but I think you need out.

I was raised VERY catholic and I would be the last person that anyone would ever think who would get a divorce. I left my first husband and nobody saw it coming, no prewarnings whatsoever. In my case there was nothing wrong with my husband, we got along well and I really didnt have that much negative to say about him, it was about me and what I needed to do for myself and I'm a strong believer in that today. I left my husband for another man - the overall picture without getting into details is that my relationship with my first husband was somewhat mother-son. I felt "bigger" than him and did not get anything out of the relationship for myself. I should have called the wedding off but didnt want to go through the embarassment of that and was confused with my thoughts (and I was young). I had met him as a teenager and we dated several years before getting married. I don't regret how it happened because I learned from it. Now, my husband and I have two children and we've been married for 3 years and we are on the same level in life. Life has changed drastically and I am fulfilled on so many different levels that I wasn't being fulfilled before.

I guess my final thought is that I was GENERALLY happy in my previous marriage which made it that much harder to leave, but I think relationships need to be on a deeper level.

[Polishbabies]

One more thing... if you're worried about cash and splitting everything in the end, start putting aside everyday cash for yourself, if even that. I wish I had done that because my first husband was very greedy in the end... This sounds horrible to say but you need to protect yourself as well.

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I'm honestly not trying to convince you of anything, just trying to help you figure your own stuff out. So with no agenda, my questions:

- the hard work to get to this point - what point? what have you acheived that you don't want to let go?
- do you love your house? (I thought you wanted to go to MI)

Also, a comment: loving but not being in love, plus him making you laugh - sounds like friends to me.

I have to admit the fact that you don't have children really changes the situation. I know I said I was (trying to be?) neutral, but this aspect really affects how I see it.

i love my house and wish it was in MN i look at rentals there and want to scream! the rent is sooo freaking high!

you hit it with friends! thats what i feel like when im not acting like a mother to him!

the fact that i dont have kids is a huge plus in my book. i dont want to get tied down with kids when the time is not right! he is so hands off with our marriage i dont even want to think what it would be like with kids!

[lovebug]

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

I hate to sound like an advocate of divorce and I hate to be so blunt but I think you need out.

I was raised VERY catholic and I would be the last person that anyone would ever think who would get a divorce. I left my first husband and nobody saw it coming, no prewarnings whatsoever. In my case there was nothing wrong with my husband, we got along well and I really didnt have that much negative to say about him, it was about me and what I needed to do for myself and I'm a strong believer in that today. I left my husband for another man - the overall picture without getting into details is that my relationship with my first husband was somewhat mother-son. I felt "bigger" than him and did not get anything out of the relationship for myself. I should have called the wedding off but didnt want to go through the embarassment of that and was confused with my thoughts (and I was young). I had met him as a teenager and we dated several years before getting married. I don't regret how it happened because I learned from it. Now, my husband and I have two children and we've been married for 3 years and we are on the same level in life. Life has changed drastically and I am fulfilled on so many different levels that I wasn't being fulfilled before.

I guess my final thought is that I was GENERALLY happy in my previous marriage which made it that much harder to leave, but I think relationships need to be on a deeper level.

THIS IS ME!!!! right down to the call the wedding off part!!!

[Polishbabies]

Originally Posted by lovebug

THIS IS ME!!!! right down to the call the wedding off part!!!

Do what you have to do then.. it takes courage.. all the best...