never quite there

[neetling]

Anyone else feel like "the good life' is always just a bit out of reach. We live decently. I'm a SAHM and my husband's job covers our necessities and some of our wants. If he is able to get overtime we are able to live much more comfortably, but it's never a given. We don't have a lot of available credit or savings though and as the family budgeter that stresses me out.

I do sometimes feel like we're always living now, waiting for when things will get easier/better financially. Like next year we'll be paying off a loan that will free up $300 a month. With that we'll finally be able to have some savings and whittle down the rest of our debt, which aside from our vehicle, isn't a huge amount. Probably around 2K in credit card debt.

We live in an area we don't like, because that's where his work is. In a year we can transfer (if a position is available) to somewhere we'd like to live more, but the COL will be higher. Where we live isn't bad, it's just far away from our family and friends and not in a climate we particularly like. But it's fairly short term so we are just dealing with it.


Don't get me wrong, life isn't bad and we aren't exactly unhappy. We love each other and our children. Once my husband promotes and we have that debt paid, things will be much easier.

I'm thankful for his steady job, we've decided that I will be at home until the kids are older and in school full time. His hours change often (low seniority = not getting to choose shifts) , we have no one to help with childcare and share a vehicle, so it would be a nightmare.

Anyway. I'm just kind of venting and wondering if any of you are in the same sort of situation. At least there's a light at the end of the tunnel right?

[meandmine]

Sending hugs because constantly doing without, saying no, denying yourself, wears on a person. You aren't poor, but even being moderate income with a family means not having stuff. And that can get depressing, at least for me.

I am just beginning to accept our circumstance (very different from yours, rather a change from relative comfort to near poverty) and the only thing I can think of to keep myself positive about this is focus on what we do have: a) a home (much smaller than our former homes), b) incredible brains for learning and achieving, c) aspirations to expose ourselves to as much history, art, music and culture as we can afford (hopefully much of it free), d) enough food, but rarely eating out, e) enough clothes, but not the cool clothes.

I know this will effect my children significantly when they are a few years older, as we don't have ipods, laptops, trips to Italy, horse back riding lessons, trips to Disney, etc. We will definitely be the have nots (and that is generally not cool in middle and high school), but hopefully we will have smarts, learning, passion and focus on achievement and service and this will get my kids through.

Then I get to work until I drop dead because I will never have enough retirement (the financial planner told me I need to have 2 mil saved in order to maintain my current minimal life style).

Ok, I think I highjacked your post, but my point it -- my family, and I hope yours, has a LOT going for it besides money: love, intelligence, a commitment to education and cultural learning that will lead to rich lives regardless of income.

M

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by neetling

Anyone else feel like "the good life' is always just a bit out of reach. We live decently. I'm a SAHM and my husband's job covers our necessities and some of our wants. If he is able to get overtime we are able to live much more comfortably, but it's never a given. We don't have a lot of available credit or savings though and as the family budgeter that stresses me out.

I do sometimes feel like we're always living now, waiting for when things will get easier/better financially. Like next year we'll be paying off a loan that will free up $300 a month. With that we'll finally be able to have some savings and whittle down the rest of our debt, which aside from our vehicle, isn't a huge amount. Probably around 2K in credit card debt.

We live in an area we don't like, because that's where his work is. In a year we can transfer (if a position is available) to somewhere we'd like to live more, but the COL will be higher. Where we live isn't bad, it's just far away from our family and friends and not in a climate we particularly like. But it's fairly short term so we are just dealing with it.


Don't get me wrong, life isn't bad and we aren't exactly unhappy. We love each other and our children. Once my husband promotes and we have that debt paid, things will be much easier.

I'm thankful for his steady job, we've decided that I will be at home until the kids are older and in school full time. His hours change often (low seniority = not getting to choose shifts) , we have no one to help with childcare and share a vehicle, so it would be a nightmare.

Anyway. I'm just kind of venting and wondering if any of you are in the same sort of situation. At least there's a light at the end of the tunnel right?

yup. i totally get it. i too am thankful my dh has work but it is hard to just be watching life go by instead of participating...

[Usually Curious]

Originally Posted by lookatreestar

yup. i totally get it. i too am thankful my dh has work but it is hard to just be watching life go by instead of participating...

You are participating ... in your life NOT someone else's.

I've stopped saying, "When things get better ..." or, "When we have more disposable income." What's the point? It's only money.

[1jooj]

A second to what UC has to say. I used to think a lot in terms of "once I achieve this or that," but I've found it doesn't matter. There is always another new expense. A car repair, orthodontia, a family emergency, an appliance to replace...So, please don't let life pass you by. Life isn't trips or riding lessons or the cool clothes. It's healthy kids and board games and goofing off and baking cookies. And there's a time-money trade-off. I struggle with it all the time. I can work more if I want, and yay, we have more disposable income then. But, what? There's always something waiting to be bought/repaired, always a place for the money. When we succeed at placing equal or greater value on time as we place on money, we won't feel like we're "missing out" because our income is "lower than."

[chiromamma]

I'm with you, OP. Big time today.
I live in a wonderful area, have lots of free/low cost entertainment and my family enjoys abundant health and our time together. But sometimes, no often, I'd like things to stop being so darn tight.

Just once, I'd like to go to Pottery Barn and buy a new bookshelf instead of taking weeks to find one for under $20 at a garage sale and then spending 2 days painting it.

I'd like to have made a huge donation to the charity that came knocking at my door last night.

It feels like no matter how much more we bring in, we just aren't quite there.

I've always been committed to having my own business as a practitioner but lately I am looking for opportunities in my field that offer steady income and security. I'm weary of the income fluctuations and the knots it ties in my stomach.
Big. Heavy. Sigh.

[neetling]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

I'm with you, OP. Big time today.
I live in a wonderful area, have lots of free/low cost entertainment and my family enjoys abundant health and our time together. But sometimes, no often, I'd like things to stop being so darn tight.

Just once, I'd like to go to Pottery Barn and buy a new bookshelf instead of taking weeks to find one for under $20 at a garage sale and then spending 2 days painting it.

I'd like to have made a huge donation to the charity that came knocking at my door last night.

It feels like no matter how much more we bring in, we just aren't quite there.

I've always been committed to having my own business as a practitioner but lately I am looking for opportunities in my field that offer steady income and security. I'm weary of the income fluctuations and the knots it ties in my stomach.
Big. Heavy. Sigh.

Right, this is kind of what I was getting at. I'm thankful that we are okay. But there's so little wiggle room that we can be in trouble if something big happens.

It just gets frustrating. We do sometimes have to put off things that are needed, but not needed DESPERATELY KWIM? My husband needs some medical work done but right now, even with good insurance, he has to wait a while. No it isn't urgent, but it is needed, not something we can put off forever. But the copay is too high for us right now.

I'm thankful that my kids are young and aren't into terrible expensive things yet. Yes I do realize that life cannot be on hold while we live day to day. Our lives aren't on hold. But there are many many things we do without that I would love to be a part of our lives more frequently.

Things are okay because I MAKE them okay. I spend time thrifting to find good quality kids clothes. I shop around and buy gifts for Christmas all year long and stash them. I grocery shop around sales.

I don't mind being frugal, I'm used to it. I just wish splurges weren't so few and far in between. Like I want winter boots. I have weird feet so shoes are expensive or painful. I've put it off because it's more important to me that the kids get what they need first. I would love, just occasionally, to just be able to get stuff like that without having to plan for it for a few months or go without. Because I go without instead of making the kids or my husband go without. (no I am not being a martyr. The kids spend more time in school and stuff so they would need them more)

I know people have it harder. I'm not ungrateful for what we do have. I'm just venting.

[VisionaryMom]

I feel this way often. On good days, I can remind myself that we're doing well compared to not just most of the world but most of the people in our area. On other days, I just want to - and often do - cry. Our problem is that we ran up debt in college that we're still paying off. We're paying on it, but it just feels like it'll never get done. We've done the super-frugal thing, but I'm not cut out to do that all the time. Amy Dacyzyn (whose name I probably misspelled) talks about in Tightwad Gazette feeling that frugality is a lifestyle and that bargain-hunting is a fun challenge for her. It's not for me. If I could embrace that idea, it'd probably be better.

As for the "is this life?" questions, I struggle as well. DH & I watched Couples' Retreat and the suburban mom & dad couple said of their lives "it works." The therapist gave them a hard time - "do you want to say at the end of the day 'it worked'" - and I felt like that really is how I feel. It made me really sad, but then I was talking to my MIL about it. She said that it is the goal for most people...that when they look at their lives, they think that they've been married 35 years, raised 5 kids to be (reasonably) responsible adults, and now get pleasure from simple parts of life - gardening, grandkids, etc. And that "it worked" becomes a comfort, even though she admits that when they had 5 small children, she often felt the same way I do. So all of that is to say that perhaps she has a point - that in the thick of things, it looks nuts, but with time comes perspective.

[MonkeyPrincess]

Right there with you.

I enjoy my simple, no frills lifestyle for the most part. But I would so love to have a nice cushion...

[1jooj]

Wanna know what's sort of funny?

Just a couple hours after reading and posting here, I spoke to my dh and discovered that I need to (quickly) come up with (a lot of) cash for a payment due tomorrow. Cushion? Gone and then some.

Luckily, a dear friend stopped by just as I received this good news , and she helped me keep my head straight over it. Yup. It really is just money. There are always a lot of people with more, a lot of people with less, and a lot of people who are going to get mine.

I truly do love the thrifting and bargain-hunting and such...grew up doing it and it suits my personal style, too...but my problem is that I have so little time in my life that I end up doing without until I'm fed up, and then just buy whatever it is, new if it's not readily available used. I don't like this about myself.

[happyhats]

I defenitely understand you. I feel very similarly most of the time, and could have written your post. However, I try not to get too wrapped up in it. I know too many people that seem unhappy because no matter how much they have it doesn't seem to be enough, and I want to make sure I'm not that way. I have to make do, and I have to sacrifice more than I want sometimes, but I try to remember the good it does for mother earth as well as my pocketbook. Of course, things like medical bills are another issue-I'm going through a similar dilemna with a wisdom tooth right now (it's not breaking or infected but sometimes it hurts and I think it's making my other molar crooked, so it will eventually need removed). And things like, what if my car breaks down, or will I ever be able to pay off my old debts? Sure, those can drag me down. I just try to keep moving forward and doing my best with what I have today.

[Staceyy]

I used to feel that way years ago when I lived in a high COLA. I wanted to buy a house but qualifiying for a mortgage was always one step beyond my salary. Finally I decided to move to a low COLA area and was able to afford the house of my dreams. I still miss the hustle and bustle of the big urban city but even with falling housing prices and the equity I've managed to build up, I still would not be able to qualify to live in something bigger than a cracker box in the high COLA area.

[smokeylo]

What's Dave R say? Live like no one else today so you can live like no one else tomorrow? I think when you are in a long haul of debt payoff (not a smaller amount) that can feel like a prison sentence. I get you on that. We are about to start paying off our debt and it will take years, really (sigh, student loans, bad decisions). Hang in there.

[ilovemygirl]

I ALWAYS feel like this. I don't think we're quite as comfortable as you .. we barely make our bills .. but we aren't poor and are very grateful for dh's job.
The "when this happens it will be better" mentality has been going on for years in my home. When we finally pay this off, finally get pregnant, finally this or that and I'm still waiting for things to be "good". I feel like I'm in limbo sometimes but really my life is going by everyday and I'm just not appreciating that. I've really been trying to work on my attitude when it comes to this. I try to concentrate on all the blessings I have but some days I just can't stop thinking about how hard we've been trying for years to pay off debt and that we still have so far to go.
I guess I don't have any advice. You are not alone.

[imamomx2]

I was just telling my husband that I don't think I'll feel like we've "arrived" financially until our house is paid for. We do fairly well for ourselves, now that I'm working a few days a week. We are following the Dave Ramsey plan, and while it's nice to have a plan, it's also frustrating to think that okay, first we finish paying off our student loans (nearly done), save emergency fund, max out 401k, adjust to new budget, save for different car, think kids college, and oh, yeah, you still have that darn mortgage to pay for!

We don't buy lots of stuff, and we don't really want to keep up with the Joneses. I would just like to go through life without thinking about money, you know?

Part of me would like to quit my pt job and stay home with the kids, and the other part of me thinks how quickly we could get to that next financial goal in our lives. Ultimately, we'd like to take a year off and travel... but getting to that goal is going to take a lot of careful planning, and quitting my job will not afford for that to happen for a LONG time.

We're keeping on keeping on. We know there are others who are struggling, so I know my complaint is just silly.

[highlandmum]

I could've written this post. I feel like this a lot. I do try not to dwell on it, and to realize that this IS my life, and I should be happy -- healthy family, kids, etc.....
But it is hard sometimes. We struggle to pay our bills right now because of an insurance oversight (on our part -- we were without insurance for about a month -- right when I had a baby and our oldest child was having a bunch of medical tests) and because of past stupidity. So, we go without dental work (we don't have dental insurance), we can pay our bills -- but then we are flat, we don't take vacations, buy anything 'fancy', etc. etc.
The hardest part for me isn't really within my own immediate family, but more our extended family -- who are all very well off. For example, I have to attend a bridal shower this weekend. Buying a gift for the bride is a serious struggle for us -- our $150/week budget includes gas, food for 5, diapers, cleaning supplies, literally everything we need, saving for birthdays and Christmas, etc. We have $150/week for everything -- the rest goes to bills. So, my point is, that the rest of our family and friends will be coming to the party with extravagant gifts -- I doubt (and I know this from this same experience before and obviously because their are my family--in laws) ... that most people are going to show up with a gift that cost around $100. I always look like such a cheapskate when I show up with something that cost $20... but that $20 gift is a big deal to me. That $20 is a huge deal to me.

Whoops. Sorry to threadjack. I guess I needed to vent a little too! lol

[leigh2006]

Originally Posted by meandmine

Sending hugs because constantly doing without, saying no, denying yourself, wears on a person. You aren't poor, but even being moderate income with a family means not having stuff. And that can get depressing, at least for me.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by smokeylo

Live like no one else today so you can live like no one else tomorrow?

We don't embrace that philosophy, though we do - in general - like DR. My husband has a chronic health condition. He may not be here tomorrow. Actually it's more likely that he will be alive but have significant medical needs. It's an issue that's a struggle for us because while I'd like to save everything we can, I get DH's position, too, that it seems pointless to save, save, save when he may not be able to enjoy that - ever.

[BennyPai]

I feel that way some days. Mostly, I just want to be out of debt. I don't mind living frugally, but the pressure from the debt overshadows our happiness at times.
The good news is, we are working on paying it off and I know there is an end in sight...

[Magelet]

I definitely feel you. Things have been so tight here, but they're loosening a little (we're moving to my dad's for a while. He mostly will be living elsewhere. huge emotional baggage about it, but at least we have a backup plan). We're planning on saving almost everything that we would be paying towards rent, but we're also trying to do a few things we've wanted/needed to do for a while (like take DP to the dentist, etc).

I keep having meltdowns about spending even minute amounts of money, feeling so guilty about spending it, even though we can, because for months, we really really couldn't. The idea of buying canned air (the computer is practically breaking from needing the fans cleaned) caused DP to practically break down with guilt (it was like 4 dollars). Or buying a 5 dollar file box and 5 dollar hanging folders, so our vital papers weren't disorganized in piles on the floor always getting lost, had me in a guilty spending too much money breakdown. Even though we can finally afford these things we need.

That said, I'm having a really hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. No. I can't see it, and I'm having a hard time beleiveing it's there, financially. I don't want to be living at my dad's, it's an emotional trainwreck, but we don't have a choice, however the option is shortlived. (we can only be there til december). We really can't find anything we can afford where we live now, but we don't have the money to up and move someplace else, and support ourselves while we look for work. Plus, we're JUST learning to make friends and community and LOVE where we live, and even if we could commute to our communities it would make a huge difference rather than moving far away.

We want to get married when we get our stuff a little more figured out financially and are supporting ourselves (my parents also pay my health insurance, cell phone (which I could do without easily), car insurance, car maitenence, they own our only car, in addition to moving into my dad's house. Most days, it feels like we'll NEVER have it figured out enough to get married, though I'm sure we will. please G-d, let it be soon.