or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › Does this seem unreasonable? update new90
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Does this seem unreasonable? update new90

post #1 of 151
Thread Starter 
i know the whole situation is unreasonable but bear with me. My lawyer and I offered ex a week for the summer back in May and he responded in late June with several ex parte hearings to try and get half of the summer but he never showed for any of them. Then he started texting me that if i gave him some time with the kids then he wouldn't have to spend all the thousands of dollars he had for me to pay the back child support on a lawyer to force me to give the kids to him for half the summer. My lawyer sent him another letter stating he could have a week. So after a few weeks he signed the dates we offered. Howevever we offered a wed-wed arrangement based on dr's appts etc. He decided to suddenly use his EOW visits before and after the week we offered. Which means he would be hanging out in my town for several days and part of it with the kids. Which scares the crap out of me (PTSD from previous instances plus his stalking) and i don't think the kids could handle it either. Then my son broke his hand and is scheduled to get his cast off right after he was supposed to go with ex. I called my attorney and told her that i wanted to change our agreement (now keep in mind i never signed the orignal agreement and it wasn't filed in court) from Fri-wed so that my son could get his cast off first and it would eliminate my ex from using the EOW before and after because i know he couldn't afford to stay up here that many days in a row. I told her i was scared about him being around here in town (it is a very small town) for two weeks time. So we sent him a new letter with the new dates. He texted me that i was interfering with his time with the kids and that he would have our son's cast taken off where he lives and that he would also be setting up a dentist for the kids where he lives, 1200 miles away. He owes our dentist here $1000 for past work which he refuses to pay. He says he will use the kids insurance to have it all covered down where he lives. Now, the kids insurance is in my name alone and i have sole legal custody. A dentist 1200 miles away? I feel like these are new control tactics on his behalf.

So the unreasonable part. My lawyer thinks that by shifting our orignal vistiation offer of wed-wed to fri-wed could make the judge upset. Friday morning my son gets his cast off then he could go with ex until the following wed. Even if i bring up being afraid, my restraining order, ex having broken the restraining order in the past with stalking..the judge probably won't care. My lawyer thinks the judge might say that i should let ex have our son's cast taken off down where he lives. But the insurance is in my name and i have sole legal. I hate this whole situaiton and that judge. Ugh. But this won't actually go before the judge before the visitaiton. My lawyer is thinking ahead to when my ex pitches a fit and goes before the judge for future vacations. What do you all think?
post #2 of 151
Thread Starter 
And no i still haven't gotten the thousnds of dollars that my ex supposedly had for me to finally pay off all back child support He didn't get a lawyer, he got his time with the kids and i still haven't gotten the money. Our court hearing for contempt is in August. He owes me $7000 plus dollars.
post #3 of 151
I don't understand why you don't want your ex to take your son to have the cast taken off. I doubt he could use his EOW if he has your son from wednesday to wednesday because thats over a weekend. The weekend before and after would be your time?

I do not know your back story though, so please forgive me if I'm missing something.
post #4 of 151
Thread Starter 
My ex wasn't involved for a full four years in regards to our children and only came on the scene in the last year with stalking, restraining orders, harrassing me and threatening me in front of the children etc. He has no knowledge of the kids medical histories, has no insurance for them, has a long history of abuse and never followed court orders to take a one year long batterer's program. He lives 1200 miles away and the kids Dr's are where i am. If my son gets his cast off and then the subsequent xrays to determine if everything healed correctly and there was the chance something didn't heal right then i wouldn't be there to consent to further treatment. I have sole legal custody which means only i can make the decisions in regards to the kids medical treatment. I don;t want him using the EOW in addition to the week because my 3 and 5 year old have no relationship with him, at this point they haven't seen him in 6 months and haven't spoken to him in 4 months, per his choice and actions. Also he has a history of showing up in my town and stalking me and causing huge scenes in public in front of our children. Also he still hasn't done the batterer's program, he is a convicted felon, he lives with his mother who attempted suicide a few years ago and is also a convicted felon. In addition the grandfather who apparently visits a lot where my ex lives was convcited of kidnapping a special needs child years ago and raping her. Plus he molested my ex's mom as a teenager. That's a small portion of the backstory.
post #5 of 151
Thread Starter 
He wants to take the week i offered and then the weekend before and after which technically would be his. So he would hang in my town from wed - fri waiting to get the kids back.
post #6 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
He wants to take the week i offered and then the weekend before and after which technically would be his. So he would hang in my town from wed - fri waiting to get the kids back.
Does your court order specify which weekends are his? B/c those weekends might NOT be his - unless you offered him one of "your" weekends. You can tell him that the EOW includes the weekend that he already HAS them - then it would 2 more weeks before his other weekend comes up.
post #7 of 151
I've been following your story since your last thread about the ex parte hearings.

Based on your X's track record for actually showing up for court, and the issues you have had with him, I would offer only what you are comfortable with. The worst that could happen is the judge awards him more time, but I honestly would take that risk, since it seems unlikely X would actually show up and it seems with his black mailing, lack of involvement and past behaviors you have plenty of evidence to support your decision. I'm honestly surprised your lawyer doesn't see it that way.

And I totally get that you want to be the one to take your son to get his cast off. I would too.
post #8 of 151
What are the chances he will actually follow through and take the kids and take care of the Dr. and Dentist appointments and all? I'm wondering if it's worth the risk to give him what you originally offered and what he originally said he wanted thinking that perhaps he will bail? Then you could avoid the fight and you would look like you were very accomodating? Just based on what you wrote about him previously I have sort of a hunch that he may be the type who won't really care about what's offered to him but will fight like hell if you try to take it away?
post #9 of 151
Can you ask your son's doctor what he would think about delaying the cast removal for a week?
post #10 of 151
Thread Starter 
We could totally delay getting the cast off. Then my ex can get the full week i offered plus the two other weekends before and after. That is what i'm trying to avoid. I had no idea that upon offering a weekend he would say he was using the EOW also. That puts him in my little tiny town for a good week with the kids and without. I'm not too interested in spending a week fearing for my life.

The judge only ordered EOW never specified what weekend or anything. No holidays or anything were ordered he left it up to the discretion of my ex and i too hammer it all out. The thing is it's actually illegal for the judge to do that because i have a restraining order which means by law it was supposed to get ordered. However my lawyer didn't bring that to the judges attention in an attempt to stop the crazy judge from ordering something really unreasonable.

I want to avoid sending the kids back and forth multiple times and avoid my ex getting free time in my town while he is waiting for the kids. The way my ex put it was that he would take my wed-wed offer and also he would take the fri-sun before that and the fri-sun after that. So he would sit in my town for 3 full days without kids on both sides. That is dangerous. Whether the judge believes it or not it is a danger.
post #11 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
We could totally delay getting the cast off. Then my ex can get the full week i offered plus the two other weekends before and after. That is what i'm trying to avoid. I had no idea that upon offering a weekend he would say he was using the EOW also. That puts him in my little tiny town for a good week with the kids and without. I'm not too interested in spending a week fearing for my life.

The judge only ordered EOW never specified what weekend or anything. No holidays or anything were ordered he left it up to the discretion of my ex and i too hammer it all out. The thing is it's actually illegal for the judge to do that because i have a restraining order which means by law it was supposed to get ordered. However my lawyer didn't bring that to the judges attention in an attempt to stop the crazy judge from ordering something really unreasonable.

I want to avoid sending the kids back and forth multiple times and avoid my ex getting free time in my town while he is waiting for the kids. The way my ex put it was that he would take my wed-wed offer and also he would take the fri-sun before that and the fri-sun after that. So he would sit in my town for 3 full days without kids on both sides. That is dangerous. Whether the judge believes it or not it is a danger.
bolded mine. Tell him that the weekend he gets is HIS weekend. That the weekends on either side are YOURS. If he wants to do EOW, he needs to abide by EOW. His weekend is the one that he has already, then its your weekend, then he gets the next one. Problem solved, right?
post #12 of 151
Thread Starter 
I just spoke with my lawyer. She said he can't take our son to get his cast off. I have sole legal and primary residence. He can't switch dr's and dentists especially when he lives 1200 miles away. I told her i was sticking with the fri-wed and i would be getting our sons cast off before they leave. If my ex doesn't like it and if he takes me back to court again oh well. I guess i'll deal with it then. Thanks everyone. It sucks dealing with an abuser and custody.
post #13 of 151
Avani,

Abusive ex and custoday issues...horrible. I'm in that situation, but he lives nearby. He is not stalking me, that I know of. In my city, I can't seem to get an order of protection, even when he broke my wrist two years ago.

How did you get an order of protection?
post #14 of 151
I think you're right to proceed that way. If you have sole decision-making when it comes to medical issues, it doesn't make sense for him to decide what doctor to take your son to, far away where you can't make any decisions. Just for back-up, maybe your doctor can write a letter for you to tuck away for future reference, saying something like, "I've advised my patient's mother, who has sole custody of my patient, not to transfer care to another physician" and outline a couple of reasons. Just a thought.

I too don't understand how your ex, after not having established an every-other-weekend pattern, determined that "his" weekends fall before and after his visitation week. Tell him his weekend is the one during his visitation week, and he can also show up two weeks later for another weekend to see how your son is doing. Otherwise, he has three weekends in a row... and how is that "every other weekend"? I don't blame you for being paranoid, given your crazy judge, but hopefully even he can do that math.
post #15 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
bolded mine. Tell him that the weekend he gets is HIS weekend. That the weekends on either side are YOURS. If he wants to do EOW, he needs to abide by EOW. His weekend is the one that he has already, then its your weekend, then he gets the next one. Problem solved, right?
This is one of the reasons I was a bit puzzled. From what you have said I would be surprised if he came anyway. What a jerk!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I just spoke with my lawyer. She said he can't take our son to get his cast off. I have sole legal and primary residence. He can't switch dr's and dentists especially when he lives 1200 miles away. I told her i was sticking with the fri-wed and i would be getting our sons cast off before they leave. If my ex doesn't like it and if he takes me back to court again oh well. I guess i'll deal with it then. Thanks everyone. It sucks dealing with an abuser and custody.
I hope one day a judge enforces his paying all your legal costs as he seems to really enjoying making you go to court.
post #16 of 151
Not knowing the history with your ex, or what you consider stalking (since there are definitely various impressions of what that word means, some quite reasonable and others not reasonable at all)...

It's hard for me to understand why a court but more importantly you yourself would condone your kids spending a week alone and out of town with their father, if there is any legitimate reason that it "scares the crap out of you" for him to simply be in the same town you are; and if you truly and honestly believe your kids "couldn't handle it" if he were in town for a few days, to have them for consecutive weekends. That just doesn't make any sense to me.

If you felt it was reasonable to offer him a week - and you agreed to that - then doctor's appointments should not change the length of time he gets with them. Fri.-Wed. is quite obviously not equivalent to Wed.-Wed. If you truly feel it's necessary to change the start date to Fri., the end date should also be changed to Fri. If that gives him 2 consecutive weekends with the kids - big deal! It sounds like you get them for a preponderance of the time, anyway.

But if you have some concrete reasons to believe it is genuinely dangerous for him to be around them - even in the same town - then why are you voluntarily giving him any time with them at all, unsupervised?
post #17 of 151
She has a judge who has abandoned all reason and has shown himself to make decisions that are not in anyones best interests. Her x was ordered to complete a year long batterer's program before unsupervised visits were allowed. The judge bypassed that and ordered her to negotiate visits with him even though she has a restraining order. He has never come for the EOW visits the judge ordered he receive but he has shown up randomly to scream at her and intimidate her. There is not much she can do but prevent the most harm and there are a lot of other women in the same situation.
post #18 of 151
Thread Starter 
Thanks Poppy. Jeannine, i really don't feel it necessary to explain myself to you but feel free to look through my old posts and judge me if you feel it necessary but i refuse to give any of my energy to that.

So my lawyer just emailed me that the ordering stating he has EOW was never filed in the court. His ex lawyer never filed so it has no standing. That means he has no rights at all to visitation at this point in time. I feel like offering the week was out of line then. I wish i would've known this. I need my ex to fade away.
post #19 of 151
Sorry avani, but can I just rub my hands in glee for 2 seconds at your X's lawyer's legal mess-up? Thank goodness your lawyer is on the ball about this important detail.
post #20 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
Thanks Poppy. Jeannine, i really don't feel it necessary to explain myself to you but feel free to look through my old posts and judge me if you feel it necessary but i refuse to give any of my energy to that.

So my lawyer just emailed me that the ordering stating he has EOW was never filed in the court. His ex lawyer never filed so it has no standing. That means he has no rights at all to visitation at this point in time. I feel like offering the week was out of line then. I wish i would've known this. I need my ex to fade away.
If he has no rights to visitation then don't give it to him. Have your lawyer contact him via letter and tell him that you are revoking the visit due to medical reasons (dentist, cast, etc) and that you'll need proof of his completing the batterer's program before you offer anything else.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › Does this seem unreasonable? update new90