Attitude problem - telling Mom and Dad what to do.

[COgirl19]

DD is 3 yo and generally an agreeable kid (as far as 3 yo's anyway). But she is developing a behavior that needs to stop. She continually tells me and DH what to do. She doesn't ask but yells, points her finger at us and tries to order us around. NOT OK with DH and I. One thing we do is that we simply don't respond to her "orders" until she calms down and asks nicely, saying please. She will usually do that but I want her to stop trying to order us around in the first place! Any gentle methods that have worked for you guys to get your small children to be respectful and ASK instead of ordering?

[ssh]

This is really normal in preschoolers. Your DD's just seeing how much influence she has on her environment. Sometimes the 'bossy' phase carries over into peer relationships too. We would quietly tell our DD that she was acting bossy and it was rude behavior. Then we'd talk about about what kind of person she was (thought of herself as) and what kinds of behaviors match that kind of person. The bossiness lasted about 2 or 3 months and started about a month after turning 4. When she occasionally tries it now, at 4.75, I just say "sweeties, you're not queen of the world, but if you want something you can ask nicely".

[heartmama]

Very normal phase at this age--You can't absolutely make her stop, but you can decide how to respond and stick with that every time she does it. I know you want her to stop this today, but that may not be realistic. Take comfort knowing you are working on it and eventually it will stop.

You can try a combination of what you are doing--no attention or energy given to the demand, and if it helps, a calm reminder of how to phrase things correctly. She might need to be shown what she CAN say, not just told to stop what she is doing. If she becomes overbearing in a particular instance, you can decide whether enforcing a 'calm down' time for her would be effective.

She will usually do that but I want her to stop trying to order us around in the first place!

If this usually works, keep doing it.

[mamazee]

She knows how to talk very well, but at her young age she hasn't yet learned to speak nicely. I'd use it as a teaching opportunity. Every single time she says something bossy, I'd show her a nicer way to say it. "I don't like to be told what to do. Can you ask me for some apple by asking nicely, like, 'may I have some apple please?'" Anyway, that's what worked for me. Good luck!

[One_Girl]

I suggest working on modeling giving polite directions and rephrasing her yelled demands into quiet requests and having her repeat them back to you that way. Responding to requests before she has to escalate to behavior that grates on your nerves may also work, it helps me not have to hear dd resorting to whatever she needs to resort to in order to be heard.

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I suggest working on modeling giving polite directions and rephrasing her yelled demands into quiet requests and having her repeat them back to you that way. Responding to requests before she has to escalate to behavior that grates on your nerves may also work, it helps me not have to hear dd resorting to whatever she needs to resort to in order to be heard.

This is what we do. DD is 3 and has just started making demands of us, even though we've been working on polite requests for more than a year now.

"Give me my cup, Mommy."

"Don't do that, Daddy!"

We simply provide her with a polite way to state her request and expect her to repeat it back to us before giving her what she has asked for. It's been a long road, but she's slowly getting there. Sometimes, I think I rephrase her requests hundreds of times a day! The payoff is coming, though, because every once in while I get, "May I..." or "Can you..."

[meemee]

at that age i did not work on teh words.

i worked on the tone.

as she grew older and 'ordered' around i would turn it into a joke. she did not like me correcting her. and she would change her tone.

[PGTlatte]

Our younger son does this. After he makes his "demand", (I need water ! You get me water !) I look at him and say "Mommy may I please have some water ?" Then he parrots back to me what I just said and smiles, and I help him get his water or whatever, and tell him I really like it when he asks nicely and says please.

[mom2grrls]

Although this is normal behavior I normally look to myself/dh and make sure we're not speaking like that KWIM? Yelling, making lots of demands, etc.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by meemee

at that age i did not work on teh words.

i worked on the tone.

as she grew older and 'ordered' around i would turn it into a joke. she did not like me correcting her. and she would change her tone.

I also pay more attention to the tone than the words. So "I want eggs" can still mean I fix my DD eggs even though it's not an exact polite request. A nicely said "I'm so thirsty" would also be fine. We mainly teach manners by modeling so we make sure our requests are polite and our 4.5 year old DD is picking up more of the politeness all the time. The bossiness was more a "Do this now!", demanding we stop doing things, or not wanting to let us talk types of things.

[COgirl19]

Thanks everyone, these responses are really helpful. It's also reassuring to know that this is normal behavior, being the only AP type parent I know I am always worried of getting accused of "spoiling" her and that is why she is this way. We will keep working on it with all of your suggestions.

Also....we encountered something new last night. She DID ask for something nicely but the answer from us still had to be a polite "no" from us. She was really confused and I think hurt that she asked nicely but we still said "no". We thanked her for asking so nicely and offered alternatives to her request but I think she still has a hard time dealing with the fact that sometimes the answer is still "no" even if she does ask nicely. Thoughts? or will this just take time?

[ssh]

This will just take time and gentle persistance.

[NellieKatz]

Originally Posted by COgirl19

Also....we encountered something new last night. She DID ask for something nicely but the answer from us still had to be a polite "no" from us. She was really confused and I think hurt that she asked nicely but we still said "no". We thanked her for asking so nicely and offered alternatives to her request but I think she still has a hard time dealing with the fact that sometimes the answer is still "no" even if she does ask nicely. Thoughts? or will this just take time?

I think a lot of this comes from having been told (by everyone in the adult world, it seems) that "please" is "the magic word." If it were really magic, LOL, it would result in a Yes every time! :-)

[EdnaMarie]

Subbing because no, and it drives me freaking insane.

We got to the polite-question-with-no-for-an-answer much earlier in her development, though, so luckily we don't have that to deal with. What we say if she orders something she can't have:

"The answer is no, even if you ask politely. But if you asked politely, at least I wouldn't be irritated right now."

One thing that helps is that we have a song-cue from a Montessori tape we have. There's a manners song and I hum the line that goes, "May I have some crackers please?" It reminds her of the polite way without me having to "correct" her so to speak. I'm not sure if that's helpful if you don't have the tape... perhaps you could make up your own song and transition towards humming? Or just sing it? It works better than correcting her, I've found.