don't know which way is up

[junipermoon]

since I started grad school last year it seems like things at home have slowly started to unravel.

since summer started, my child led learning approach (just one year in) is falling apart and at this point my 9 and 14 year old boys seem to think that me turning off their video games or television program is a hostile and unfair act. like, they are going to call cps or something. it's fair to say they are *not* flourishing academically.

my 22 month old boy is suddenly screaming, I mean yelling screaming weeping, whenever something frustrates him even a little tiny bit. totally new behavior--started 3 days ago and I am at a loss. I always comfort, but I almost feel I might be reinforcing his new approach to the world.

I'm cleaning a lot but there are carpenter ants walking around in my kitchen like they own the place. I keep capturing and releasing them because all I could find at the store was poison, nothing to repel.

to say I am not in charge here is an understatement. toddlers, tweens, teens, ants, cats, I seem to have no impact on my environment. my studies are falling behind.

I'm starting to think about packing everybody up (except my husband ) and heading to India again just as soon as the monsoon season ends, for six months at least, just because I'd rather be there than here and we'd make a clean break from the video games they shouldn't be playing anyway.

right now they are all sitting in the living room watching little house on the prairie totally ignoring the fact that I asked them to turn the tv off like ten minutes ago.

I don't like getting all up in their space, it feels so intrusive to be insistent.
I have no idea how we got to this place. I suspect it's a combo of the older boys being used to having neighbors to play with during the summer (we moved to the country last year) and the little one either picking up on my stress, teething, or, something else.

I'm stressed enough that all week I've been breaking out into hives that cover whole limbs of my body.

I want to be better parent, but not sure where to start.

ideas?

[Nicole915]

Graduate studies are so time and energy consuming, no wonder you feel stressed. It sounds like there are all sorts of issues going on that I am not well equipped to advise you on, but I wanted to suggest that perhaps you could better utilize your support system. Is there family or friends that want to step up and help? Is your partner able to brainstorm with you about finding a way to get the boys to listen and be more respectful?

Try to remember that to be good to them, you have to be good to yourself, too. Right now for you, that might mean making grad school more of a priority than it has been in the past.

Best of luck.

(Also, 9 and 14 year old boys watching Little House on the Prairie... even though things are difficult now, I just find that so endearing.)

[junipermoon]

thanks Nicole, their program choices are endearing, and I do think I need to network more. We aren't close to family, and I haven't really made friends in the area yet, but that's no excuse for not taking up acquaintances on potluck invites, playdates, etc. And yes to staying focused with my studies, too.

We checked out a karate class this afternoon that had a good, gentle feel to it, and both the boys will start Wednesday.

I did get insistent with the boys tonight about no more endless screen time and I didn't let it go until they were both reading and writing at the table. But it was horrible to go through, I ended up so frustrated I really yelled at my nine year old (yelled "NO" *very* loudly when he started pouring apple juice onto the table in an attempt to show me just how not into the idea of working on writing he was). He is not used to this, and it probably scared my toddler. I feel crummy but if the other side of the coin is educational neglect, I feel cornered...

I tried to explain it to the kids later that though I'm not very good with boundaries I have to set them because some things are just not negotiable and in our culture reading and writing for kids is one of those things. My 14 year old smiled and said, "you wish kids came with boundaries built into them but they don't." He also said later some comment about how I "avoid stuff until hives pop up everywhere." he's getting so grown up! hard to believe this is the same child who bounced through 10 foster homes and into my life at age five, spitting at his teachers, throwing desks, and scaling 15 foot fences to break out of the school yard...now at 14 watching little house and reading books about foreign affairs (when I'm insistent enough ).

It just is so so hard for me to "force" anyone to do anything. doesn't seem moral, and then, letting kids soak up endless screen time seems immoral in the other direction, yk?

I feel guilty complaining, with all of us in this family blessed with good health, food in the pantry, car in the driveway, roof, etc. So maybe I'll stop complaining and try to get some of my own work done...

[mummyofan]

I love this forum; People always seem to 'walk away' feeling a little better.
Don't know what to suggest. I have no support network here, but I do have fantastic neighbours.
Mine are 4 and 2, and one is just learning about asserting himself, and the other trying to get independance. It's cute and frustrating!

[bebebradford]

This might not be a popular idea, but have you thought about public/private schooling or maybe even a homeschool group? It sounds like they want a social life, and then education would be included in that scenario. It really sounds like you need some help momma, and that's not an insult! You have a lot on your plate.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by bebebradford

This might not be a popular idea, but have you thought about public/private schooling or maybe even a homeschool group? It sounds like they want a social life, and then education would be included in that scenario. It really sounds like you need some help momma, and that's not an insult! You have a lot on your plate.

I agree with this, you're juggling a LOT right now and you have to do what you need to do to stay sane and on course. And, if it helps any, my darling sweet baby girl turned into a screaming demon at the same age. Not that it makes it any easier, but hopefully normalizes it a little for you.

Good luck mama

[mattemma04]

Hugs for you!

I can only offer advice on the carpenter ants,and that is to use some bait. If they were just cruising for food that would be fine to repel,but CA's chew through wood to make their nests. I have them in the walls and they have caused considerable damage.

Maxforce carpenter ant bait is good if you can get them to eat it. I did come across some herbal repellant at walmart,but don't know how well it works since I am using baits.Jelly and boric acid is also a good bait,but you need to add very little powder to the jelly.

If the CA's are coming into the house from outside then a spray around the homes foundation will keep them out.In the least some borax powder(laundry section) will work in the pinch if you do not want to use the pesticides.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by junipermoon

But it was horrible to go through, I ended up so frustrated I really yelled at my nine year old (yelled "NO" *very* loudly when he started pouring apple juice onto the table in an attempt to show me just how not into the idea of working on writing he was). He is not used to this, and it probably scared my toddler.

I don't think you were wrong to yell no in this situation. Yes, there are better ways to handle things, but that's just not acceptable behavior for a 9YO.

Do they have options other than screen time or reading/writing? While endless screen time isn't good, I wouldn't want to be "forced" into reading and writing (what are they writing?) either. Do you have puzzles, board games? Do they have whatever it is they want to play with?


Carpenter ants are attracted to water. Is it dry where you are? There are some ways to keep them at bay, but where I grew up, in some parts of the year, it was just impossible to keep them out completely. One really bad summer my mom resorted to using a cloth to dry out our kitchen sink after using it because they would come in for the water there.

[camracrazy]

What do your older kids like to do? Is it possible to find a volunteer program or something for them?

My oldest loves to volunteer at our local Water Center. The added bonus is that she is learning about aquadic life, plant life, water pollution, working in groups, etc. She also gets to work on her reading and writing skills in a way that doesn't feel like "school work". Best of all (for me!) is that it's free to do.

We also do a lot of games. Adding up her score from a dice game helps her addition skills. Or we might do Scrabble, which helps with spelling and vocabulary. This morning we did a game where we would write down four words on the dry erase board and the other person had to make a sentence using all of the words. You could probably find a book with different games like these at the library if you need ideas.

Since you are out in the country, have you ever just given them a magnifying glass, a butterfly net, and some jars? They might have a great time finding what insects live in the yard. We go to our local nature center with supplies and also a camera to record what we see. The kids like to upload the pics of "unknown" bugs and see if we can ID them on the internet.

[ssh]

Your 22 month old is probably just beginning that tantrum prone time that last until about age 3. Comforting, also labeling his feelings and validating his emotions are the best ways to deal with it. Tantrums are how LOs learn to deal with overwhelming emotions so you don't want them to go away since it's a useful developmental process.

With the older boys, a family meeting could be a good idea. You can discuss why work is important and how learning is their job that will eventually make money for them. Maybe even talk about how hard it was before modern times when everyone had to take care of their own food and shelter needs and how our approach of getting an education and having a job we like is actually less time working. You might point out that the jobs they can do without an education probably wouldn't give them enough money to buy nice electronics. Maybe if you give them the freedom to choose when to do school work, you can choose how many hours per week they need to spend on it.