just hurting

[anon_abroad]

Hi, I need to share the sadness I feel today, because I am in a situation where I have no best friend to tell things to.
I recently, and might I say quite miraculously - although it was laboured out step by excruciating step - moved out of the ‘marital’ home (‘marital’ in the sense that although ‘marital’, it was a bachelor suite with a family of 4, during which we were broken-up for THREE years) about 7 weeks ago.
For many reasons this separation came about, but only today, after many years (more or less 18 together) and 2 children, he sends me an email from 4 kms away to say that he never loved me.
Although this is the reason why I left because I felt it deep inside me, getting the final confirmation really hurts.
I really hurt today.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry mama. the fact that he never loved you can be seen as a failure on his part and not a shortcoming of yours. he never cared for you. he never treated you well. he never deserved you. so many ways to hear it other than the way he wants you to, and you get to chose. maybe he loved you, maybe he never did, but regardless of whether he did or didn't, you are loved and are worthy of love.

[NolaRiordan]

I'm sorry. Allow yourself to feel bad for a while, and then get on with it and make a plan if you haven't already. You are much better off without him.

I do know how you feel. I was with X over 20 years. Married for 16. He took up with his old college girlfriend (the one he broke up with before me.) He told me he should have chosen her not me. He married the wrong woman. I know what a punch in the gut that is. You feel like your whole life has been a lie and the marriage was never what you thought it was.

It will get better.

[Halfasianmomma]

I'm so sorry mama. What a rotten thing to say. To me--the outsider looking in, that sort of statement is simply meant to hurt and be vengeful. It's childish and yes, painful.

Perhaps it's time to stop listening to the crap he spews and start looking to yourself for validation. You ARE worthy of love *and* respect.

[anon_abroad]

It's so nice to hear that from you guys, thank you so much.
NolaRiordan, you're right, it really is a punch in the gut. I feel like total s*** right now.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring insight.
I feel like you are all so kind to say to me - a perfect stranger - that I am loved, deserve to be loved. I hope you're right.
Hopefully I will soon feel the beginnings of a plan. So far the stress and hectic days of having children on summer holidays and juggling work has kept me going, but I know there are serious long-term plans to be made.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

WOW this is EXACTLY our situation. 20 years together--married--two kids--8 and 6.
And how the heck am I ever going to get through it. And I NO idea how to do this.
And I have few friends--all my married mom friends are hiding--they seem to afraid that it will rub off on them--so I'm not bugging them much.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i'm sorry mama. the fact that he never loved you can be seen as a failure on his part and not a shortcoming of yours. he never cared for you. he never treated you well. he never deserved you. so many ways to hear it other than the way he wants you to, and you get to chose. maybe he loved you, maybe he never did, but regardless of whether he did or didn't, you are loved and are worthy of love.

This, exactly.

Your post made me cry. So you may not have a friend there to share this with, but someone's crying with you in Indiana.

[mandib50]

i am so sorry.

[hillymum]

I don't know about the rest of you but when I get it together I plan on attending some support groups. Are there any near to you? This is not a time to be alone. We all have each other to support us, but MDC isn't the same as a real hand on your arm or person to give you a hug. I hope you do have access to something like that, thats not just a singles dating group.

I'm sorry your ex is such a jerk! You do deserve far far better than he gave you!

[MissLotus]

You know, your ex's statement shows what kind of person he is, not what kind of person you are.

Someone who goes out of his way to say something so hurtful, so unnecessary, is a small person. And I think it's wonderful that now you can live out YOUR life, untainted by this person, because you deserve a lot better than that. I promise that the day will come that not only will you not care what he thinks - it won't even occur to you to wonder what he thinks at all.

[NolaRiordan]

Yes, I agree about going out and finding some support. This is a small town and there are a couple support groups that I know of. There are a LOT of people who have been through this. Call the public library, or call a divorce attorneys office. They ought to be able to put you in touch with a group in your area. Reach out to friends and family who have been through it. One of the HUGE life lessons about the divorce for me was how many people out there really are willing to help.

[anon_abroad]

I have thought about starting getting involved in a local association I was involved in a few years ago. I'm toying with the idea, anyway. In the past I let it go because it took up too much of my time and I ended up totally stressed out. But I feel I need to create a bond with life in this area, since it is my ex's hometown (well, village really), and with him out of the picture I feel like there's non sense for me to stay here. So if I can find a sense to living here and bond with other local people, maybe that would be good for me. (since my children were born and raised here and I work near-by, it wouldn't be a good idea to up and leave, and besides, where to?)
So I also spent time today with an old friend who I haven't seen in months, and it felt good to get some perspective and talk to a friend.
Yes, it is a good idea for me to re-kindle my friendships, I have most definitely left them aside for too long, even years.

[justmama]

i'm so sorry. but you did such a brave thing, you should be proud of yourself. just be gentle on yourself today. let yourself grieve.

[meemee]

mama do you believe him? do you really? when my ex tried to pull that on me - i saw it as not that he didnt love me but that people change. he doesnt want to stay married to me anymore. it hurt. but as long as i had that in my head it was easier to accept. easier being subjective eh?!!!!

mama a part of me weeps with you. it hurts. it hurts soooo deep. esp. when you have been trying for so long.

but another part of me is going weee weee weeee and doing a dance of because you are on your way. to the most profound time of your life. i later saw it as a gift from ex by returning me to myself.

it was a time to get to know me and oh boy did i ever do that.

absolutely go out. meet others. go within. get in touch with what you like and what you dislike. some of the things i discovered is how much i loooove going out to eat by myself at a local cafe with a favourite book. or how much i really really the movie theater experience.

what have you discovered so far? that you prefer bear mush instead of oatmeal for breakfast

there is sooo much of your life you gave him. not its time for you

i look forward to reading about your journey. a great book that helped me get in touch with myself was the artist's way by julia cameron. it seems i just needed someone giving me permission to do those things. i think i barely went past her first chapter. but i got what i needed and i needed that book to give me the nudge.

today mama i am at a wonderful place loving life. and things are peaceful. as i look back i must say even thru the pain i have never felt alive as i tried to sort out my life with my dd. i had profound experience after profound experience as i went deeper and deeper to find what i liked. what i wanted out of life.

mama - to the time of your life.