SUPER-CLINGY 14-month-old. Were the aunties right about holding her too much?

[fernijer]

My 14-month-old has always been clingy, but lately I cannot be physically apart from her for more that 30 seconds before she'll begin crying hysterically. That's LITERALLY 30 seconds!

I want to work on my resume, pay my bills, take a shower!

She the sweetest being on the face of the Earth and I love her tremendously. I had thought of our attachment as a bonus and a gift, but now I'm wondering if the aunties who warned me against wearing my baby and picking her up when she cried were a little right.

HOW DO I HELP HER LEARN TO PLAY BY HERSELF?

[mamazee]

You are right at the classic age for separation anxiety.

I have two kids I "held too much". One never had separation anxiety, and one had it terribly. And still does to some extent, but she's a few months older than yours and is pretty well past it.

My mom was a strong believer in not holding children too much, and one of hers had very strong separation anxiety, and another had an attachment disorder. One didn't have either problem as far as I know.

There's no winning as far as separation anxiety goes. It can get you no matter how much or little you hold your kids. IMO it's more about their personality than you. Although I've heard it's a sign of a close attachment, I think that might be the case some of the time, but I've seen so many toddlers parented in so many ways get clingy at that exact same age that I think it's generally a developmental issue and not about us.

[fyrwmn]

babies naturally go thru "clingy" stages. that close attatchment you have with your baby will help her get thru it. you can't spoil a baby, it's impossible, and certainly not by meeting their needs.

[MamaChicken]

My personal experience:
- DS1 was high needs and very clingy. I carried him all the time. At about 3yo he started being more confident and very independant. He is still confident and outgoing at 12 yo.
- DD was never clingy. I carried her all the time. At 3.5, she is still very confident and independant.
- DS2 is the first twin boy. I never got the hang of carrying two so they were stroller boys and they have had to wait short periods of time for their needs to be met. He shows no sign of separation anxiety.
- DS3 is the second twin. He has gone through an ugly period of separation anxiety, started at 15 months and starting to wind down. I think for him it is just a phase.

My conclusion? This is all about your baby and baby's personality, not how much you carry them.

[Abraisme]

I agree with the others.. It's way more about personality than parenting style here. It will pass and your daughter will be happier and more confident in the end if you make her comfortable and meet her needs.

[crunchy_mommy]

My DS was born with separation anxiety -- I hadn't yet had the chance to hold him 'too much' or 'spoil' him. If anything, holding him a lot has gradually improved the clinginess. He knows I'm there for him & now at 17mos he'll occasionally wander off a few feet away for a couple minutes, that's HUGE for us. The other day I was actually able to check my email while he ate some melon!!

[ASusan]

Classic age for separation anxiety. It happens in almost all cultures , around the time children learn to walk. PP are right - AP will help get her through it. (though perhaps not any faster than normal)

Many mamas can't even go to the toilet alone (without a lot of hullabaloo).

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by ASusan

Many mamas can't even go to the toilet alone (without a lot of hullabaloo).

Wait you mean that other moms DO get to go to the toilet alone?

[alegna]

It's the age.

hang in there!

-Angela

[Jenivere]

My 17 month old is going through it right now and it's hard but this is my third time through and they will grow out of it.

[j_p_i]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Wait you mean that other moms DO get to go to the toilet alone?

Ha! I thought the same thing - I bring DD into the bathroom with me, I thought that was normal

My DD is nearly 14 months and has gone through similar periods of clingy-ness. Recently I have witnessed her expanding her confidence and exploring more, which I attribute to holding her so much. I feel like she knows I am right there behind her so she feels able to explore and play independently for short periods of time. Don't get me wrong, I know that she is still on the young side and I do expect to deal with more clingy separation anxiety in the future. I guess I just try to give her what she needs now, and believe that it will help her be confident in the future.

[vrclay]

Originally Posted by j_p_i

Ha! I thought the same thing - I bring DD into the bathroom with me, I thought that was normal

The plus side to this is they have a very good idea about behaviors surrounding toileting.