What is everyone's holiday schedule?

[jstpmm]

I am trying to figure out what is a fair holiday schedule and what are considered holidays, major and minor. Thanks everyone!

[lyra2007]

We do:

Christmas: Each parent gets one week of the two-week vacation, alternating the week that has actual Christmas. When she was younger and we lived in the same city, the parents alternated Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. This results in alternating New Years as well, but that is not a big holiday for little kids!

Thanksgiving--we get her every other year from Tuesday or Wednesday through Sunday (and in the year we don't have Thanksgiving, we have her for Spring Break--make sure you spell out whether that is school year or calendar year).

Again when we were in the same city, Dad got Father's Day and Mom got Mother's Day, even when that would be the other's normal parenting time. Now we generally end up with Father's Day because she is here for a long period over the summer that happens to include that day--but we don't intentionally do that because Father's Day has never been a big deal to her dad.

We're not religious, so we always let her mom have Easter, but most people alternate that as well. The exception would be if we had her for Spring Break and it fell during the break, which is not the norm, and actually, when we did, we still flew her home the Saturday before Easter; though we weren't required to, we knew she'd have more fun at her mom's that day.

Now that we live out of state, we have the right to go see her for 3-day weekends (eg, President's Day, MLK Day) as long as we don't do the same one two years in a row. When we were in the same state, we would get her if that was our normal weekend, just add the extra day.)

Her birthday--we don't have it now but we used to either split the day, but that was REALLY hard on her, or just whoever's parenting time it fell on would have her and the other parent could celebrate when s/he next had parenting time.

I am not sure what the other holidays would be. Halloween was a tough one because you can't trick or treat on any day but the 31st--well, actually, we had some really nice neighbors who saved some candy until she was here, but generally, I think that pretty much goes with wherever the parenting time would normally fall. But that gets harder when they get older and want to be with their schoolmates.

[Sharlla]

for the parenting plan we put every other holiday every other year but we don't celebrate holidays other than halloween (and sometimes thanksgiving) so it's not a big deal, whoever has him (we do a 2 week swap) gets him unless the other person has plans and requests him.

[VocalMinority]

Our state guidelines offer a pretty reasonable division of holidays for parents who live in the same town (even though neither my husband nor I use that schedule, with our exes).
http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html. Click on Section II-D.

Having seen the state's guidelines in action, when my husband's ex lived in town, the only part I wouldn't recommend is winter break. They do a very complicated division of time, in which parents ideally alternate getting Christmas morning and (Christmas Eve + New Year's). But funky, fluctuating school schedules can leave one parent with Christmas morning two years in a row or more, or one parent getting both Christmas and New Year's. Plus, it expects 2 people who may not be able to agree on anything to agree on the mid-point between school getting out and Christmas. (Is it a specific moment between the minute school dismissed and the stroke of midnight on Dec. 25th, or do you just round up to the next day?)
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My ex lives in town.
* Christmas: Kids are with their Dad all day Christmas Eve and have their big celebration at paternal grandfather's house that afternoon/evening. I get them for Midnight Mass and Christmas morning. Their Dad, step-mom and paternal grandmother stop by for an hour or so in the morning, then come back to pick up the kids at noon. They come home again for the big dinner at my house. Sometimes their Dad & step-mom stay.
* Kids' birthday: We play it by ear, but always divide the day so they spend some of it with their Dad. Sometimes they spend the night with him, the night before. They're always with him while I set up their party, then he picks up the cake and shows up with them when the party starts. His wife, parents, MIL, etc. all come to the party, too, of course.
* My birthday:... is also Halloween, so they always spend an hour or so trick-or-treating with their Dad, in his neighborhood. Often I - maybe my parents as well - will go along. But mostly they're with me.
* Ex's birthday, other family birthdays, Mother's & Father's Days: with the appropriate parent. On my step-son's and our baby's birthdays, my ex and his wife come over. I assume we'll be invited to birthday parties for my ex's new baby, too.
* Easter: Always with me, because it's just not a big deal to my ex. That may change, now that he and his wife have a new baby. I'm fine sharing, but I prefer to split up the day, rather than alternate holidays every year. That would be stressful for some kids, but luckily it's not a problem for ours.
* Thanksgiving: We play it by ear. Some years, we all eat together at one house or the other. Some years, my ex and his wife have traveled and the kids stay with me. Mostly, we coordinate our families' feasts so they're not at the same time and the kids go to both.
* All other holidays: I'd consider minor and the kids are always with me. Again, if things like St. Patrick's Day or the 4th of July become a bigger deal to my ex now that he has a new kid at home, I can start sharing.
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DH's ex lives across the country. Their son lives with us. He flies out to visit his Mom for:
* 7 weeks each summer, which she gets to pick. Strangely, she never opts for that to include her own birthday, which is usually 1-2 days after he comes home. But her 7 weeks always include Father's Day and my twin sons' birthday, so he's never with us then. Sigh.
* 1 week of his winter break. She always tries to make this include Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, even when that would keep her from having him during Chanukah - and she's Jewish, we're Catholic. It's not really clear who's supposed to choose that time and it will likely be dealt with when they return to court over some other issues.
* Spring break, which sometimes includes Easter. If it includes Easter 2 years in a row, the 2nd year her visit gets shortened so my step-son can spend Easter with us.

She also comes here to visit twice a year, for 2 consecutive weekends each time. She schedules one visit to include my husband's birthday and the other to include our baby's birthday. Our state guidelines say that when a birthday in Parent A's family falls during what would otherwise be Parent B's parenting time, Parent A gets the child from 9am-9pm. Despite the annoyance of her passive-aggression, on DH's and the baby's birthdays we only exercise half the time we're entitled to, since DSS doesn't get much time with his mom. She still accuses my husband of blocking her access to him during visits. Go figure!

[violet_]

In our state, we do this, officially (though we do alter it if both parties agree)

Christmas: Every other year, starting the day school gets out until 6pm the 25th. Other household gets them until school starts back up. Obviously, this is a terrible schedule for long-distance travel, as they'd spend all day traveling, so we swap after noon the 26th. But with weird school schedules, there are years where we only get 4 days or so. The after-Christmas part is usually longer, so we prefer those years, as we get more time, plus we get to play with them with their presents, plus we get Thanksgiving those years.

Thanksgiving: On the years we don't get Christmas. Only the school break, which has been Thursday/Friday but recently got expanded to a whole week!

Spring Break: NCP gets all of these if they live far away, every other year if they live close

Summer: I think there are provisions for Mother's Day and Father's Day, but it's never come up. Neither household wants to scoop the other on that sort of thing. In fact, we reschedule our video calls if they are on Mother's Day and she does the same for us, so neither family intrudes on that time.

Easter, Halloween, etc.: just depends who has them for regular schedule. no special provision.

I think each family is entitled to them for a couple hours on their birthdays if the other house has them that day, but neither side has ever exercised this. We just leave them where they are and celebrate when we have them next.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

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DH's ex lives across the country. Their son lives with us.

She also comes here to visit twice a year, for 2 consecutive weekends each time. She schedules one visit to include my husband's birthday and the other to include our baby's birthday.
... Go figure!

Wow! That's a special brand of crazy there. And lose-lose for you, as you either take the time as a family and thereby keep DSS from his mother, or don't get your family time. I'm guessing you probably do some celebrations not on the actual days?

[Smithie]

Yeah, Jeannine, your dss' mom really does seem to be a special snowflake. Having her son Hanukkah with her family in an attempt to deprive her Catholic ex of Christmas? AAAAAAAAUGH.

(You know I'm deeply squicked by the notion of a half-Jewish child being confirmed in the rites of the Catholic church by his non-Jewish parent. I think that such things are best left alone when two unamicably divorced parents have a JudeoChristian conflict, becasue really, in that situation nobody but the child has the right to pick one side of the religious fence for themselves, and they cannot IMO do that until they are adults. But arranging visitation so that an interfaith child may attend the Christmas mass with dad and/or grandparents? Basic freaking interfaith courtesy. Interfaith Family Relations 101. AAAAAAAUUUUGH.)

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

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My ex lives in town.
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DH's ex lives across the country.

I stalk this forum because I find the conflict resolution process to be very interesting. I have to say, Jeannine, that I'm really glad to see that you have such a reasonable relationship with your ex because the stuff you post about your husband's ex is just... special. It pleases me so much that at least some part of your life isn't all fighting all the time. And in general I am so thrilled when people have civil co-parenting situations. Yay for being grown ups!

[Ceinwen]

Jeannine, you and your hubby get a gold star for having to deal with his ex across the country. Having said that, your relationship with your ex is close to what I have with mine...

We always try and accommodate each other, depending on what's going on in who's family.

Holidays - Christmas Eve to the 27th is alternating years (we don't do split holidays) which works well for me since I have to work every other year (emerg nurse); Thanksgiving - just the day, alternating; Easter - just the day; alternating. Mother's day and Father's day - supercedes parenting time (although my ex chose not to take them on Father's day this year); kids birthdays - whoever has them (which is almost always me, since my ex only takes them EOW); summer - he gets them for two non-consecutive weeks (i.e. one week in July, one week in August); our birthdays are not factored in.

All other holidays are considered minor, and whoever has them - has them.

[VocalMinority]

Off-topic, sorry!

Originally Posted by violet_

Wow! That's a special brand of crazy there. And lose-lose for you, as you either take the time as a family and thereby keep DSS from his mother, or don't get your family time. I'm guessing you probably do some celebrations not on the actual days?

Well, Violet, that may be the Christian thing to do, but no. I mean yes, we celebrate Father's Day a different day, since DSS is 2,500 miles away then. But we don't celebrate DH's and the baby's birthdays on different days because of the ex's visits.

We figure she chooses when to visit. And since she works in the travel industry, largely or entirely off a laptop, she has the flexibility to come other weeks. Heck, she might try coming the week of DSS' birthday, or his 5th grade graduation, or his school play, or his basketball championship...

We would spend a little time with DSS during her visits anyway. So we just schedule that time on the birthdays. Back when she had custody and DH was the one traveling for visits (and staying 2 consec. weekends), she was adamant that 9-10 days is too long for a kid to go without stepping foot in his home or laying eyes on his custodial parent. Not only did the judge agree, but so did my husband. He never objected to DSS spending some time with his Mom, during his visits. "Touching base at home" seems even more critical now, because Mom's bad about making do his homework and she sometimes does/says really emotionally manipulative things that upset him and spill over into behavior issues at school - which is never an issue, unless she's visiting. So we like to see him, see how he's doing, during the visit. It may as well be during a party!

Also, we both suspect that what contributes to the ex's "issues" is that (if her stories are true) her own family life is replete with this garbage: Her dad gets mad at his MIL and demands his wife and kids cut off contact, to punish her. His adult daughter steps on his toes and, whoops! - he "accidentally" schedules his vacation the week of her kid's birthday... We really aren't interested in facilitating Mom teaching DSS to "manage" and punish people that way.

And, yes - There has been nothing in this world to make me appreciate my own ex and his wife like dealing with my husband's ex! I'm also surprised by how I can feel sorrier and sorrier for his ex, as time goes on, yet still feel angry toward her, too.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Our holidays:

New Year's: Us. A few days, actually, in case we make a trip to visit my mom/stepdad.

Easter: Us - 3:00 the day before until 8:00 PM on Sunday (unless it is our week anyway, obviously).

Mother's Day/Father's Day - Each parent gets their respective day with DSD.

DSD's Birthday: The actual day is often just whoever has her, has her. The party is joint.

Halloween: Together. We alternate years. One house buys the costume, the other hosts pumpkin carving, pizza, ToTing, and a hot adult beverage.

Thanksgiving: DSD's mom. We celebrate with friends on the weekend before or after, depending on when we have DSD.

Christmas Eve: Santa visits our house a day early (the 23rd) and we have DSD until ~8:00 PM on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day: Her mom has her - if it is our week, she comes back at 8:00 PM.

We are flexible with holidays, for example, last Christmas Day, we picked DSD up in the afternoon so she could come to my Dad's for Christmas.

Other birthdays are just celebrated when it works.

[greenemami]

Thanksgiving-alternates. We always have her on Thursdays starting this year, so I am not actually sure how this will work! It is our year this year, so we will worry about this next year!

Christmas Eve/Christmas Day-alternates. Approx. noon Christmas Eve to noon Christmas Day, then noon Christmas Day until noon the 26th, (or just back to regular schedule).

New Years: No schedule, whoever has her, has her.

Easter-Nothing offically on paper, but since we celebrate the Equinox, we let dsd's mom have her this year even though it was our weekend. We will more than likely continue this.

Fourth of July: No schedule, whoever has her, has her.

Halloween: Alternates for the day of trick or treating. Includes an overnight, but no specific times laid out.


Dsd's Bday: Alternates. I think time is supposed to be offerred to other parent if they will not see her at all on her bday by regular schedule.

Sibling/parent bdays: It is written that we are supposed to accomodate these.

We are lucky that so far (in the last couple of years at least, not right at the beginning of blending) everybody has been super flexible about changing the schedule.

Good luck, these things can be tricky to word correctly if everyone doesn't get along.

[RaeEllen]

Christmas/Hanukah - Winter break is divided in such a way that mom alternates between a long (60%) and very long (75%) portion. (She and DSS visit her family in another country each year) It works out that this includes Christmas with her each year. We get the first two nights of Hanukah, but winter break schedule trumps Hanukah and we lose it a lot.

Thanksgiving - Alternates from Wednesday evening through the weekend.

Memorial/Labor Day - Monday holiday alternates. (Asked ex-wife to modify so weekend would switch as well as the holiday, but she refused.)

July 4th - alternates

Halloween - alternates

Mothers/Fathers Day/Birthday - with the appropriate parent always

DSS's birthday - alternates

All these birthdays are in summer. Each family gets to pick two weeks of uninterrupted vacation time each summer. (Alternate first pick) Summer vacation trumps parental birthdays but cannot trump DSS birthday

Easter - with mom

Passover - first two nights with us. (Easter trumps Passover. Annoying as we actually celebrate holiday and she does not.)

Rosh Hashanah. Yom Kippur with us.

Spring Break/Fall Break - alternates for weekdays only. Doesn't change weekend schedule (means you get 7 days in a row instead of 9)

[aricha]

Both sides of my step-daughter's family value extended, uninterrupted time during holidays. We all feel it allows the kids to develop deeper family traditions and allows everyone to really celebrate the entire holiday as a family. So we have always alternated years and had extended uninterrupted parenting time for Thanksgiving and Christmas, which includes the lead-up to the holiday, the holiday itself, and time after the holiday. One parent gets one of the two each year and it switches the following year.

At this point most everything else falls on the regular (flexible) parenting schedule. Each parent can request the specific holidays as they arise and so far there hasn't been an issue with that. It used to be spelled out much more clearly in an alternating year schedule, but that's no longer practical for us.

[LittleBlessings]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

Our state guidelines offer a pretty reasonable division of holidays for parents who live in the same town (even though neither my husband nor I use that schedule, with our exes).
http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html. Click on Section II-D.

Having seen the state's guidelines in action, when my husband's ex lived in town, the only part I wouldn't recommend is winter break. They do a very complicated division of time, in which parents ideally alternate getting Christmas morning and (Christmas Eve + New Year's). But funky, fluctuating school schedules can leave one parent with Christmas morning two years in a row or more, or one parent getting both Christmas and New Year's. Plus, it expects 2 people who may not be able to agree on anything to agree on the mid-point between school getting out and Christmas. (Is it a specific moment between the minute school dismissed and the stroke of midnight on Dec. 25th, or do you just round up to the next day?)
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My ex lives in town.
* Christmas: Kids are with their Dad all day Christmas Eve and have their big celebration at paternal grandfather's house that afternoon/evening. I get them for Midnight Mass and Christmas morning. Their Dad, step-mom and paternal grandmother stop by for an hour or so in the morning, then come back to pick up the kids at noon. They come home again for the big dinner at my house. Sometimes their Dad & step-mom stay.
* Kids' birthday: We play it by ear, but always divide the day so they spend some of it with their Dad. Sometimes they spend the night with him, the night before. They're always with him while I set up their party, then he picks up the cake and shows up with them when the party starts. His wife, parents, MIL, etc. all come to the party, too, of course.
* My birthday:... is also Halloween, so they always spend an hour or so trick-or-treating with their Dad, in his neighborhood. Often I - maybe my parents as well - will go along. But mostly they're with me.
* Ex's birthday, other family birthdays, Mother's & Father's Days: with the appropriate parent. On my step-son's and our baby's birthdays, my ex and his wife come over. I assume we'll be invited to birthday parties for my ex's new baby, too.
* Easter: Always with me, because it's just not a big deal to my ex. That may change, now that he and his wife have a new baby. I'm fine sharing, but I prefer to split up the day, rather than alternate holidays every year. That would be stressful for some kids, but luckily it's not a problem for ours.
* Thanksgiving: We play it by ear. Some years, we all eat together at one house or the other. Some years, my ex and his wife have traveled and the kids stay with me. Mostly, we coordinate our families' feasts so they're not at the same time and the kids go to both.
* All other holidays: I'd consider minor and the kids are always with me. Again, if things like St. Patrick's Day or the 4th of July become a bigger deal to my ex now that he has a new kid at home, I can start sharing.
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DH's ex lives across the country. Their son lives with us. He flies out to visit his Mom for:
* 7 weeks each summer, which she gets to pick. Strangely, she never opts for that to include her own birthday, which is usually 1-2 days after he comes home. But her 7 weeks always include Father's Day and my twin sons' birthday, so he's never with us then. Sigh.
* 1 week of his winter break. She always tries to make this include Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, even when that would keep her from having him during Chanukah - and she's Jewish, we're Catholic. It's not really clear who's supposed to choose that time and it will likely be dealt with when they return to court over some other issues.
* Spring break, which sometimes includes Easter. If it includes Easter 2 years in a row, the 2nd year her visit gets shortened so my step-son can spend Easter with us.

She also comes here to visit twice a year, for 2 consecutive weekends each time. She schedules one visit to include my husband's birthday and the other to include our baby's birthday. Our state guidelines say that when a birthday in Parent A's family falls during what would otherwise be Parent B's parenting time, Parent A gets the child from 9am-9pm. Despite the annoyance of her passive-aggression, on DH's and the baby's birthdays we only exercise half the time we're entitled to, since DSS doesn't get much time with his mom. She still accuses my husband of blocking her access to him during visits. Go figure!

thank you for the link. it helped out a lot

[mtiger]

What our orders state and what actually happens are two different animals.

According to our order (the kids live with me, their Dad lives ~350 miles away, they fly to see him, we split the cost):

Christmas: 12/23-12/26; 12/26-1/1 - alternating yearly.

Easter: Western goes to him, Eastern Orthodox to me. When they occur the same day, they are with me from Holy Thursday on (the kids and I are Orthodox)

Summer: They go to him the weekend after school ends, until the weekend before school starts, with a week in July and August with me.

Mother's Day: Me (also close to my bday and both of my parents - MD is usually within a day or two of their bdays)

Father's Day: Dad

Thanksgiving - alternating yearly (parent with Tday gets New Year)

Otherwise, the third w/e of the month.

Originally, we followed that pretty closely. The main difference was that I offered him to take whatever 3-day w/e there might be in a given month if he'd prefer that to the 3rd w/e. I'd also offer him extra time if he'd allow me to either take a summer week when the oldest had Scout camp or to bundle the two weeks together so we could go on vacation.

For the past few years he has taken them for the latter half of the Christmas break (given that it's more time), and that's fine. Maybe a week/10 days over the summer, and an occasional w/e.

This year... They were there for all of Xmas break (with the weather, it just made the most sense) - our daughter was actually there from 12/18 onwards. Our son went up for a weekend in April. And... that's it.

From here on out? Son says he will be here for Tday, and all of Christmas Break. Daughter concurs. I have urged them to talk to their Dad to see what they can sort out so they spend some time there.

[Casha'sMommy]

We used to do every other holiday every other year but my ex could never remember which year he had which holiday.
Now that the kids are older and understand things a little better we just do all holidays every other year. For days off of school we just ask them what they want to do as they're old enough to stay home alone on those days off. They may have plans with friends or just might not feel like coming here. We're all ok with doing things this way so it works for us.
The every holiday every other year works well for the rest of our families as well because everyone knows when the kids will be with us or with my ex.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Summer: They go to him the weekend after school ends, until the weekend before school starts, with a week in July and August with me.

Yikes! Here, out-of-state parents get 7 weeks in the summer. That dates back to when school summer breaks were often 13 weeks long, so the NCP got just over half and the CP still got a good chunk. Now breaks are ~10 weeks long. My husband's very glad to have custody, but we do feel like we get very little down-time with his son. But you get even less, with your kids!

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

Yikes! Here, out-of-state parents get 7 weeks in the summer. That dates back to when school summer breaks were often 13 weeks long, so the NCP got just over half and the CP still got a good chunk. Now breaks are ~10 weeks long. My husband's very glad to have custody, but we do feel like we get very little down-time with his son. But you get even less, with your kids!

It was worse when they were younger - I'd lose a week with our son as the only way Dad would allow him to go to Scout camp was if is was during my week. Now? They haven't spent the summer with their Dad for a number of years.

[ProtoLawyer]

My husband's custody plan spells out a pretty typical division (alternating major holidays in alternating years; school year primary placement with Mom with all but one weekend a month to Dad; summer primary placement with Dad and with all but one weekend a month to Mom) but so far, it's been ad hoc in practice. We live 70 miles away, so changing placement for, say, Halloween or SD's birthday, when it falls on a school day, is unrealistic.

Thanksgiving is usually with us (as Mom works Thursdays in a 24/7 environment and will get double pay--plus my family celebrates Thanksgiving relatively locally); Christmas goes to whoever has more interesting plans or whoever can get off work. Most other holidays just fall where they fall (neither my husband nor his ex are particularly religious, so that's not a factor). If someone wants a change, or to go on vacation or what have you, it gets worked out. There were some rough patches a few years ago (if you search my posts from then, you'll find a post about how Mom decided she was going to go out of town, pull SD out of school and leave her with us, and we'd have to figure out child care that week--without ever even asking if we were planning to be in the state during that week), but boundaries were set, things were worked out, and it's been smooth since. But it took awhile to get there.