Half-sister I never knew existed

[catheleni]

I guess it's simple, really. I am an only child. I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 15 (I'm 33 now). My father muddled through and did the best he could.
I got a facebook message almost a week ago from my half-sister. My dad and her mom got pregnant in 1962. 1962. She is 48 years old! Whatever happened-the mother took off and I guess my dad assumed he wasn't the father.
My half-sister is 48 and hasn't contacted my dad at all and just now contacted me. My dad is in denial, angry, angry at her, angry at me, and probably sad and scared. He and his sister ( my aunt) say I shouldn't have anything to do with this stranger and shouldn't believe it.
She looks like me. When I look at her photos from year ago and childhood photos, it's like looking at a picture of myself. Both our mothers were white-European and my dad is Greek. We both have the half-Greek features. And the killer thing is, she has 4 children in their teens. The boys all look like him.
I am grieving the loss of the truth, I guess. I feel betrayed. Angry. Confused. I am so confused. So much time has passed.
She is an only child, too. I feel so sad for her, even though she was adopted by her stepfather and clearly has had a moderately successful life.
I don't understand how this happened and I can't escape from the feeling of being incomplete and wanting to know this person who shares my blood but is still a stranger.
My father and fiance both believe I should "leave well enough alone" but I don't believe in denial and I refuse to sweep things under the rug.
Am I alone in feeling this?
I am trying to conceive now, and I am channeling my lost mother in the process. And now I find out that I have a half-sister. Am I wrong or unwise for wanting to claim her?

[Maluhia]

claim whoever you want to in your heart (((((hug))))))

[Theia]

I couldn't read and not post.

In my experience, love knows no boundaries, blood, cultural, or legal. If you feel a connection to her and don't have any reason to doubt her truthfulness, then open your heart to her as you feel appropriate.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you all the best on your TTC journey.

[laohaire]

Claim her.

I grew up always knowing about my half brother, who was this mystery guy "out there somewhere." (Adopted at birth). When he contacted my (our) mother 8 years ago and we met him, we knew he was "us." Just like you described.

The only relative I wouldn't claim against my parents' wishes, would be their parents. And in fact, my mother herself was adopted. She was abused and abandoned by her bio parents. When her bio mother contacted us she wanted nothing to do with them. I totally respect that and would never contact her on my own. She hurt my mother as a child.

But the children my mother and your father had as adults, that's different, imho.

[Momma Moo Martin]

Originally Posted by Theia

In my experience, love knows no boundaries, blood, cultural, or legal. If you feel a connection to her and don't have any reason to doubt her truthfulness, then open your heart to her as you feel appropriate.

You're right, there is no room in life for denial and "sweeping things under the rug." It's just running from the truth. If you feel a connection to this woman (your sister), then do what you feel is right in your heart. She must have been placed in your life right now for a reason. and

[Norasmomma]

I say claim her.

My DH is from a large family and about 15 years ago his father was contacted by a woman claiming he was her father, my FIL said there was no way and he'd get a paternity test, well......he was her father. Her mother had said a different due date to protect him and his young family. My IL's separated for a short time after their oldest DD was born, and FIL had a fling w/ his ex, resulting in the pregnancy. She gave the baby up for adoption, and that was the end of it, until all of it came out years ago.

It really rocked our world, my MIL told all the kids about it, and we then met DH's half sister, and yep no doubt she looks sooooooo much like my FIL and my Dh's brothers and sisters. It was a pretty crazy thing, my MIL is a saint she has embraced this woman and her family. It was a life altering experience for everyone involved.

[catheleni]

thank you all, I see I'm not alone!

hey friends,
I didn't get your kind replies in my email...I guess I'm a bit confused about that, but now I see what you have written and I feel that there is definitely a sense that this situation is not uncommon and that feeling a connection to someone isn't wrong.
I feel sad because my half-sister is realizing my father is not interested...and I'm disappointed in him and so many other emotions...but I still have hope. I appreciate you all taking the time to address my issue, because I feel like I am not alone.

[ElliesMomma]

i second the notion that the sister was brought to your life at this time, for a reason. you won't know what that reason is, until you go forth and get to know her.

yea for you!!

as for your dad's opinion on this, there is no doubt more to the story than he has told you. which is fine. he's entited to his privacy, and you are entitled to get to know your extended family.

i'd stop asking your DH and your father for their opinions on the person, and just procede -- cautiously as you would any person who contacted you out of the blue -- to make the connection.

[babygirlie]

congrats on your new sister Sure it isn't the same as growing up with her and you can always ask for a dna test.

This year after losing my mom I was on fb and I knew I had a half sister. I met her one year. It didn't go well and it had been 15 years. Well I found her and I just felt like there was another one. She admitted I had a half brother! It was very weird. I found him on facebook too rather quickly. Hi, um I think I'm your sister. I felt so Montel Williams attendee or something lol.

He met my dad (whom I never got to meet *jealous*) and he had never heard of me. He's old. :P So now I have 3 half siblings who I have spent no time with. They all have grandkids and I am just starting my family so there's not a lot of bonding. But whatever.. it's cool. Maybe I will meet him someday My half sister will be an hour away from me for a school reunion and has asked to see me. I have only met her once.

It's weird. But hey whatever... new friend I wish I could have told my mom but at the same time maybe she would have been pissed at my dad. Who knows. Apparently this lady was only 15 when he knocked her up and it was a long time before he met my mom.

[mntnmom]

I haven't been where you are, but I have to reply. I have one brother, I have little to no relationship with him or my mother, and I am often jealous of people with close families. I know this new person in your life is not the same as growing up together, but even our spouses and best friends where new in our lives at one point. Maybe she isn't your new best friend. Every relationship is fraught with risk. But don't you at least want to be able to say you gave it a shot? She deserves to know her dad and his family too, and maybe you're the only one willing to give her that. I say GO FOR IT!

[catheleni]

I do have to say that in messaging back and forth with her on facebook....we do have a couple things in common. Teaching-and taking naps after teaching little ones- and fostering cats. Funny. Two of the things that define me. Teaching and rescuing animals.
Well.
Facebook is scary in the way that you can find anyone that wants to be found!

[SeekingSerenity]

Originally Posted by catheleni

Facebook is scary in the way that you can find anyone that wants to be found!

It kind of is!

Recently, I was found by my husband's 3rd-ex wife. I knew my husband had a child that he'd abandoned 13 years ago in Germany, and this woman had seen on my FB that I had 3 little children. She wanted to know if I was D's wife. If so, could she talk to me because her son was the half-brother of my children. I was thrilled! I knew about her son but the boy, now almost 16, didn't realize he had 3 younger siblings in America he'd never heard of.

Now my 7-year old DS messages him on FB all the time. It's funny because my son is learning to type and the older boy has the language-barrier thing... it's cute to see the conversations. Even though there's a 7-1/2 year age difference, they still enjoy the messages. And I absolutely love his mom. She's like a kindred spirit, someone who has survived the abuse of the husband (although she was with him much less time, it wasn't as bad and he left her rather than hang on with horrid determination like he has for us) and can totally relate to what I go through with him. She is funny and bright and has a lot in common with me.

I am thrilled that my children can finally "know" their older half-brother. Next year, they will be coming to the States to meet the adult children of my husband and I plan to be free of the husband by then, so they can meet my kids too.

A PP was right in that a person met this way may not turn out to be your best friend, but then again... they just might. Was I apprehensive of talking to the husband's hated German ex-wife? Heck yes, but I learned she is an amazing person I can now count as a friend. One never knows in this new world of networks and virtual communities.