When to say "NO" to a babe

[JordanKX]

DS is 10 months.
I go with diversion when he's poking and prodding.
But my mother is adamant that I should be starting "NO" with him.

It was advised to me months ago that ANY attention, No/Yes/whatever for a child so young is only... attention. Don't do it. So diversion works.
My niece is 20months, still no "NO" to her. Still working on diversion, but it's failing, for her at least.

And how do you stop yourself? I say "NO" to DSS, 4yo. He knows. He gets it. So it's an instinctive response to tell the babe. I'm trying not to... normally I say "NO", and then he smiles :-) And so I pick him up, change his focus. And we're good... for now.

When does "NO" become "NO"? When does it calculate and make sense? Does watching siblings help at all?

[ladylove]

Originally Posted by JordanKX

When does "NO" become "NO"? When does it calculate and make sense? Does watching siblings help at all?

My 3.5 yo gets it, but he needs a reason. Even then, it doesn't always work.

I also have a 10 mo and if he is getting into something he shouldn't, then DS and I scoop him up and say in a sing-song voice "toilet paper's not for babies..." or "no, no, no little man", etc.

[lolar2]

You'll have to do diversion no matter what, for at least another year, but you can talk about it while you do it. Does that make sense? It may or may not involve "no"-- you know, saying "gentle touches" and all that stuff, "bang on the toy drum, not the table," etc.

[EdnaMarie]

I agree with lolar. You can say "no" but to expect it to have a real effect on the baby is useless. At that age, I would usually say "no" gently once if baby was getting into something she shouldn't (let's say the bathroom trash or toilet paper) or doing something like throwing food that is not acceptable no matter what, and then re-direct. This teaches them that you are serious about "no" and what "no" means but it does not involve age-inappropriate expectations. You might even say "no, thank you" (as in, "I appreciate that you're having fun, but no.") or "no, please" or "please, no" if you feel a simple "no" is too harsh.

You could also just not use it and try to go with the positive. I think overall it's best to keep it to a minimum, but if it does come out, I don't automatically think of that as a bad thing in and of itself. It's the use as a verbal command with the expectation of obedience that is totally inappropriate.

Funny how it's so often the toilet paper. It's hard to get it far away from the babies without making it inaccessible when you really need it. LOL!

[mom2grrls]

I think if a toddler is getting into something that will endanger her then "stop" would probably get their attention better so you can get there to redirect. When you say no even 5 times a day I think for any kid they tune it out KWIM? Verbal direction really works best works for older children IME when you want them to do or stop something, like 5 and up. Before that it's more preventing and doing, KWIM?

[Cujobunny]

I always found that positive words worked better, for them and for me. I don't like hearing negative words all the time, even from my own mouth. Saying "NO" all the times stresses me out. So when the baby is poking or hitting or whatever I would take their hand and gently stroke my face and say "Gentle" or something like that.

IMO Saying "NO" all the time is only going to result in that word getting repeated back to you when you really don't want to hear it!

[leaves]

my son learned no at 8 months. i would just quietly and firmly say no, and he would crawl away as fast as he can. LOL. but if i'm having to say no..no.... no... over and over again, time after time, i use diversion, or other phrases, like "that's not for river. please don't touch." which he really doesn't get, haha.

[St. Margaret]

Yeah, they'll just tune it out, and then learn to throw it back at you!

Positive statements work really well for us, and yes, at 3 my DD often wants an explanation-- it helps! But when she was little I'd say yuck! or hot! or what have you for the really bad/dirty/unsafe stuff. That seemed really effective, actually. I know some kids would just do it more to see mommy say that, but she liked to just point and say it

[mum4vr]

I agree w EdnaMarie.

NO means NO when there is a consequence, natural or imposed-- even if it's as simple as saying "no, please" and moving an object out of reach, or the child away from the danger, for example. This helps the child learn what no is.

I do think watching older children helps; my 2nd and 3rd children learned what no was far earlier than my 1st, and respected the boundaries more consistently as well.

I agree w the PP who suggests showing a child how to touch if they are rough, or say here are YOUR bathroom toys if they play w the TP.

No should NOT be something they hear ATT bc they will eventually tire of it and so will you, but a child that age should begin to learn about NO or STOP for their own safety-- they are old enough to find danger now. So remember to save NO or STOP for really BIG THINGS.

Hope this helps

blessings

[tammylsmith]

I think that it helps to show them what they can do rather than what they can't... but you can't beat the simplicity of "no" sometimes.

[hakeber]

TBH, I think your mom is being a little pushy. If you think not using no works for you, and you are happy putting in the extra effort and energy required for constant redirection and gentle guidance at the age when they are into everything and like teeny chimpanzees running amok in your house, why does she care if you start using no specifically?

I also agree with EdnaMarie. No is a perfectly valid and important tool in the parenting arsenal, but it is important not to expect too much too soon. You should expect to redirect and distract as back up and support for the no throughout toddlerhood. As the child gets older and more verbal they can begin to understand the WHYs, but in the meantime they will absolutely just see it as more new words and interaction. They might be afraid of the tone or understand the fact that you are mad or scared, but the word's meaning will be a larger challenge for many moons to come.

[peaceful_mama]

My 20 mo. old is starting to show that he understands "NO" as it relates to "NO Road" for example. I can see it by him stopping himself before he goes, not running into the road near as often as he used to, etc.

But I still use a lot of diversion and of course I go get him out of the road,

I think i started pretty much right away with things like the road and hitting--as soon as they were able to do it, "no" plus reason plus diversion.

"OUCH! No hitting." followed by an offer of an interesting toy instead. for example.

Of course there are gentle ways to do it there's a big difference between "no, no, ouchie, that hurts..." and yelling "NO!"

I'm of the theory that if they hear it consistently for certain things--the biggies--hurting others, running in the road, etc. And not for small things (banging a toy on the couch, maybe it's making a noise you don't like or something but it's not actually going to hurt anything)...they will learn that it is a word that means business and they will learn what it means.

[meemee]

this is the age you sit and figure out your own discipline or parenting philosophy.

i was shouting no. till my MIL stopped me and told me not yet. that time will come. but a baby doesnt get it. dont shout no to a 10 month old.

and so i thought about it. now till then the words hot and danger were already v. clearly in her vocabulary. i think its because she could feel the hot. we didnt use it v. often but she HAD to listen when i said hot. so she understood hot at what 8 months. i remember my friend using hot to freeze my child when she was crawling towards her art project.

i decided not to go with no. i would not use it in my parenting toolbox. instead i would show her why no (if she tried to get the one tac i would say ooooh sharp. danger. and then poke her gently with the tac so she truly understood what i meant along with a facial expression for ow. later on all i had to do was make a facial expression and she would stop or put it down.) so instead i became v. verbal. however no is such an integral part of me that i would use it without even realising i was doing it.

i think what really helped dd was facial expression. so if we were visiting and she was asking me for permission from across the room, i just shook my head.

and i discovered later on that was the best strategy. never ever consciously saying no. all i would say is 'sure go ahead and try it. however i am not sure how safe you would be ....' that was enough for her to make the decision and not do it. if i said no i KNOW she would definitely DO it!!!!

but at that baby age - it was all diversion.

however i clearly remember when she actually GOT it. she would sing her NO song when she wasnt supposed to do something. she'd sing no no no no. it was pretty funny as she would shake her head and do a little dance.

[mckittre]

I guess I see it's a problem if you expect obedience with just the word, but I don't see why "no" can't be part of a statement?

With my 17 month old I often say "No, we don't do X, we do Y. Why don't you do Y" (as in, we don't spill milk, we set it down gently. we don't bang on the computer, we bang on the xylophone. etc...). It usually works great. Even at 10 months old, he understood a lot (and I would show him if he didn't). Now he understands basically everything, and will do what I say most of the time.

I do say it more forcefully in the cases where something is really dangerous. (not yelling, though). The more forceful no seems to make him very upset, and I feel bad the few times I've had to do it (trying to eat poisonous plants, repeatedly hurting someone, etc...).

[ann_of_loxley]

I never started using the word no until my son was four.

When he was a baby, I used the word 'stop' for things that needed to immediately be stopped. Then, I would rephrase and give a 'do'. (I think 'no' is pretty vague and I didn't fancy a two year old running around shouting 'NO!' at me all the time! lol - Stop is not so vague - its pretty exact... no what?..Well - 'stop' is explaintory in and of itself!)

After that, I just needed to rephrase don'ts with 'dos'.

Now I can say no - and I don't have to say it firmly or anything. I often give an explanation though because as a child, I know I myself hated being told no and 'just because'. I will still give a 'do' if the no seems like a downer for him - usually just some suggestions on what he can do instead - though he is getting better at finding these solutions for himself!