I am in court on Friday - Please help - WENT TO COURT - Update pg 2

[over_the_rainbow]

Hi am a long time lurker coming out of the shadows to tell my story as I need help support, prayers, pretty much anything you got. I have never felt so scared and alone in my whole life.

Up until a few months ago I was a stay at home mum to a beautiful baby boy. I have been married to my husband for five years. I am from England but he was american so I moved here. Things were never great. Infact since this has all happened I realize that my husband was emotionally abusive. I was a SAHM and I was never allowed on the checking account or allowed to have money of my own. He had complete cotrol over everything we did, who I saw and what we spent. He undermined my sel esteem at every opportunity with name calling and threats. I stayed. Which was stupid in hind sight.

After having Little Dude last year the combination of lonliness, crazy making husband and hormones left me with a pretty bad Post Natal Depression. I am an APing mum who breasteeds etc which hubby was totally against. Hubby, being the immauture and irresponsile individual that he is, thought the best solution was to ship me and Little Dude off to england to stay with my family. I did got treatment, got better and ended up feeling the best I have in years.

I came home to hubby on June 16th. 3 days later he told me hed been having an affair, he wanted a divorce, he wanted custody of our son so he won't have to pay me support and he is not giving me a dime. He then threw me and the boy out of our house.

Devastated is an understatement.

I have since filed for divorce Pro Se but then got turned down for Legal Aid because there was no physical violence. I have no money, no credit (hubby has not paid a bill in my name since july 2009), no car, (he sold it while I was in England). All my belongings are still in our house. I just got turned down for food stamps because ive been resident for 4 yrs as opposed to 5. I am staying at a friends house on her couch while my stbx has moved his girlfriend in and had a 4th july party.

I am in court on Friday for temporary hearings on custody and support. Hubby will have an attorney, I will not. I have no idea what to expect or what to ask for. Because me and Little Dude have been away from hubby for so long Little Dude doesnt really know him. I have tried to keep visitation open in the mean time (although STBX got mad this weekend because he got served last week and threatened to not give him back after his time was up so I am even scared to do that now) and my poor little man is upset and clingy for a few days after every visit. My ex has even claimed hes going to ask the judge to stop me from breasteeding as its detrimental to his relationship with his son.

Help!!!nAs I said help advice prayers whatever you got. I need to get prepared for Friday and I dont know where to start.

[PoppyMama]

Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. This may be ridiculous...but have you thought of contacting the British Embassy? It seems he has you at a real disadvantage and this is just so unfair. What a jerk not just letting you stay in England with your family.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Take copies of your plane tickets to and from england. Copies of the credit card bill of who paid for them is good if he paid for them. You've been a SAHM - no lawyer is going to get 100% custody away from a SAHM. If you are in therapy take proof. If you aren't, make an appointment, and take proof.

You WILL be ok. You WILL get through this. Don't say you never want to see your ex again, be open to him having visitation. DO tell the judge that you want an attorney appointed. look into different legal aid organizations - you may not get one for free but you may get one cheap. This is WORTH spending money on.

Document, Document Document, Document!!!!! Write down every single threat, every single conversation, times dates, and everything. Make sure you know what support you have here - friends count. Talk to them, tell them whats happening, etc.

You WILL be ok!!

ETA - ok, he threw you out? WITH your baby? He's done for. He's not getting custody doing that kind of thing! He made his own baby homeless, and he wants custody? HA!

[over_the_rainbow]

Thanks everyone.I am in therapy at the moment - I got an appointment the day ater this went down. It took a lot of hard work to get over my Post Natal Depression nad I decided from the minute he told me all this I would do everything in my power to protect my mental health. I have also contacted my therapist and family doctor from England who saw me get better and they are sending emails and written letters to support that fact. I have proof in the form of appt cards or my current therapist.

The plane ticket!!! I have a print out of the itenerary from the flight - printed rom HIS email account with HIS card number. I didnt even think of that. He is already telling everyone who will listen I "took his son away" which is a complete lie. Thanks.And I have been documenting as much as I can. Everyday he is pulling some new crap or instance last week he managed to hack my email account and deleted five years worth of emails between us, I think to cover his own arse.

As far as visitation goes I have let him see our son when ever he wants pretty much up til now I have just een limiting the time to 3 hours or so. No overnights. Little Dude has never spent a night away from me and right now due to all this crazy his seperation anxiety is through the roof. My husand had maye changed 5 diapers in his whole lie. Never bathed him. Never gave him food. I want them to have a relationship I just want it to happen gently or Little Dudes sake. Despite what STBX has done to me Little Dude should still have some kind of relationship with his father.I will rememer to breathe. I have overcome so much - this is just another battle to ight I guess.

[MissLotus]

I came home to hubby on June 16th. 3 days later he told me hed been having an affair, he wanted a divorce, he wanted custody of our son so he won't have to pay me support and he is not giving me a dime. He then threw me and the boy out of our house.

He is not serious about getting custody - people that want custody of their children to not throw their children out! Also, regardless of what he threatens, YOU have been the primary caregiver and that's what matters to the court. It's just more emotional abuse and he knows he's saying the things that will make you the most upset. That's what abusers like to do. (Horrible, I know.)

How long were you in England? Long enough to establish residency there (I know here, in some states, 6 months is long enough to establish residency).

If you haven't already, try contacting a women's shelter, not necessarily to stay there, but because they must be aware of resources for mothers in your area.

Before you go to court, write down the times you've offered visitation to your ex. That will make you look reasonable to the judge. BUT - also make it clear that he threw you and the baby out (can he even do that?!) with no financial resources. TELL THEM (not bitterly or emotionally, but factually) that he has never included your name on any bank accounts or given you access to money. (Which is aburd and I'm puzzled about how you've managed up until now!)

I have a friend, very recently divorced, whose husband tried withholding money as their divorce grew closer. They were still living in the same house. My friend had to have an emergency hearing just to get grocery money, and let's the say the judge was NOT impressed by her husband.

[MissLotus]

Oh, and forgot to say that whatever visitation your ex goes after, just ask the court if it can be done in gradual steps - that can be a lifesaver; it shows you are reasonable but also that you have your child's best interest in mind.

[over_the_rainbow]

yeah the money thing was his main form of control. After I left my last job to stay home we had originally agreed that he would take over paying the bills and he would give me housekeeping. I asked him a few times to put my name on the checking acct so I would have access to our cash but he alwsy refused because I was "stupid" and "irresponsible" things I believed having been told them so often.

Of course I never got housekeeping - I ended having to ask him or everything from groceries to clothes. I did not get a haircut or a year and a half because he didnt see the need for it. He stopped paying my credit cards in july so I dont even have access to credit now.

The only time he sent me money was while I was in England and even then it wasn't a lot. My family were angry about it but good wife that I am I made excuses such as he was trying to pay down our debt and needed all the extra money.

I know reading this it seems absurd that someone would put themselves in this situation, but he created an environment in which I became completely dependent on him until the next gullible woman came along. He did offer this week to buy me groceries if I wrote him a list, but he would not give me the money to buy them myself. He is a control freak.

[cycle]

What state are you in? Is there an British Embassy near you? If there is I would go there since you are a citizen of England and see if they can help you. I agree with what the others have said, document everything, you will get through this.

[over_the_rainbow]

I am in Massachusetts nr. Boston - I hadnt thought of calling the British Embassy I think there must be some office near here. Off to take a look.

[Halfasianmomma]

If I were you, I'd keep all communication to email if possible, because it's easier to print out a threatening email than to recall a threatening conversation word for word.

Keep all communication short and to the point, all if regarding visitation and nothing more. I know Thyra mentioned documentation, so let me reiterate the point. Go back into your history with this "man" and try to build up a nice point form history, including relevant dates and description of events (as in "June 19, 1010: Father threatened to take child away from mother. Father then threw mother and child out of his residence without resources or shelter"). Keep to the facts only. Include items such as : "Father changed child's diapers on 5 separate occasions since birth", "father has never gotten up at night to care for child". This will definitely come in handy later on.

I used a similar type of journal/history when we wrote up my sworn affidavit and it painted a very bleak picture of XH.

Document every single visitation occurrence (time, date, mention anything out of the ordinary). You may soon see a pattern emerge. In my case, visitations were less and less frequent as XH got himself settled in with his new gf, until I put my foot down and visitation stopped altogether).

I also had to testify in front of a judge. Be sure to be clear, unemotional and to mention that you want to foster a healthy relationship between father and son, however you want to gradually reintroduce your STBX into your son's life, being as your son has practically no relationship with him at the moment.

[hillymum]

Hi! I'm the same as you, British married to an American soon to be ex. How do you stand with being a citizen over here? I have that mess to sort out too which is going to be a real headache.
Call a few attornies and explain your financial situation and you might finnd one who will work with you knowing your sbxh will be paing at the end of all this. I got lucky and found one who just wants a retainer and anything over he will get from my sbxh.

What do you want once the divorce is final? Will you stay in America or return to England?

[over_the_rainbow]

halfasianmomma thanks for the advice. i am SO nevous about court on friday and potentially speaking in front of the judge. I am* - trying to prepare myself write notes etc. uugghh.

hillymum - hello!! As far as I am aware i will still be an unconditional permanent resident - my son is a US citizen. I am hoping there will be know problems with that. As far as my plans after this is over it will depend on custody and stuff but I will likely stay here. I am sad you are going through this too.

Thanks for the support everyone - I have way more hope this afternoon than i did this morning.

[Latte Mama]

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you get the help you need.

I just wanted to do a quick PSA in case other women are readin this. In the U.S. at least, in most states, no one can throw you out of your home (I said most). People like to think they can but if one doesn't want to leave, they really don't *have* to. I know that in NY, if you can show that you get mail at your place of residence or that you keep clothes there, it is considered your home and the other person would actually have to go through court to get you out.

OP, I know this is too late for you now, just wanted to put this out there. Your STBX had no legal right to do that.

[Halfasianmomma]

over the rainbow...I work in a law firm so I got the inside scoop when I went to court. Though I forgot, I wasn't supposed to sit on the stand (duh it's a "stand"). Also, make sure to look directly at the judge when speaking and speak clearly. My eyes wandered and it annoyed the judge.

Also, I know this sounds silly, but I rehearsed what I was going to say several times while standing in front of a mirror and wearing my "power suit" (navy blue, conservative, simple, not too short, no jewelry, simple make-up...it's unbelievable what some people will wear to court! It's like a nightclub or something...).

Finally, (because this one bit me in the butt), have every important document you have in your possession on hand, and have copies just in case. Since you are self-representing, BE ORGANIZED with a well identified folder, so that you're not riffling through papers and keeping the judge waiting. I had forgotten DD's birth certificate at the custody hearing but thankfully, the judge was leanient, so we *RUSHED* back home to get it and then *RUSHED* back to court to provide it to the judge, who then granted me sole custody of DD

[Auntie Sapphire]

The British Embassy has a Consulate-General office in Boston (a consulate is basically a satellite of the embassy).

http://ukinusa.fco.gov.uk/en/about-u...ations/boston/

[hillymum]

You can do this! Tap into those mummy bear reserves you have and be strong! Then let me know what happens as I have a court date on August 2nd.

[over_the_rainbow]

So I called the British Consulate and there was little they can do to help. can register Little Dudes birth with then so I did that.

On the bright side it looks like the intake lady at legal aid took pity on me yesterday after my sobbing/begging fit down the phone, and found an attorney in a different county to help. She took all my details yesterday and shes calling me back to strategize today. She might not have time to go to court with me but she at least will help prepare me over the phone. Not perfect but better than nothing.

Also yesterday was the first day that STBx did not contact or harass me. Yay!!!

Spending the day organizing my paper work. Fun!!

[Halfasianmomma]

YES! Baby steps...and before you know it, this will be dealt with properly.

[Helen_A]

Were you in the UK for 12 weeks or more? Did you receive reatment on the NHS?\

Either of these can be seen as establishing your usual place of residence, in which case you can ask the Embassy to return you and your child 'home' as the UK could be considered your normal domicile.

Lots of info on adviceguide.org.uk - you can also call and talk to them long distance and they will be able to advise you or put you in touch with any specialist legal help you may need.

Do not leave the US until you have sorted out custody - as you could sadly find that some judges will remove your child from your care just because you are not a US citizen and they would say that you were not normally resident.

Whatever you do get your childs birth registered with the Embassy asap and get them a UK birth cert through this. As the child of a British woman they are entitled to residency here and a British passport through that so get those sorted asap as they can protect you and your childs rights to stay with each other that way regardless of any divorce outcome.

[texmati]

Great news on the attorney! I don't have any experience or advice but couldn't read and not respond. Could someone from home come to help you out-- mom ect? I'll be pulling for you!