Neighbor girl is rejecting my kids

[momileigh]

We live in a small neighborhood (about 15 houses) full of mostly older couples. There is only one other child, a girl, who lives a few houses over. I have never met her or her mother, but have met her elderly grandmother who also lives with them. The mother has never been home when I have tried to go over and meet her. I think she (the mother) is probably 20 years older than me. She adopted the daughter later in life as a single woman and the daughter is probably 9 or 10 years old.

My girls are 7 and 4. They are friendly and well-behaved. They have gone over to this girl's house several times over the last month. A few times she invited them in to play games and my girls had a great time and were excited to finally have a friend in the neighborhood. (They had tried to meet her several times previously but she had never been home.) They did invite her to come over to our house, and she said she preferred to stay at her own house. But the last several times they have gone over to her house, she has told them she doesn't want to play. Then, today, she told them not only that she doesn't want to play, but that she wants them to stop coming over to ask to play.

I am sure that I could get every family we've ever played with to vouch that my girls are sweet and easy to play with, so I just *know* that the issue isn't that they weren't playing nicely. I know this girl has no other children to play with at her house, and I just can't imagine, despite the age difference, why she would reject their company. I don't know, but I imagine she is probably just watching tv or playing by herself all day most days this summer.

I would like some input as to how I should handle this. Here are some options as I see it:

1. Tell my girls that if someone doesn't want to play with you, you just have to respect that, and to leave the girl alone.
2. Tell my girls they are free to continue to keep trying if they want, just be prepared for rejection.
3. Call the mother on the phone (it will probably take some persistence, as I've never reached her before, and she hasn't returned my call when I left a note) and discuss the issue with her to gain more perspective.

That's about it. The best thing about this so far is that my very sensitive 7-yo is not taking this personally. She is accustomed to kids (at least girls) always liking her so I was afraid this might really hurt her, but for whatever reason, she is just disappointed and annoyed, not crying or really upset. Thanks for reading, and your perspective will be appreciated.

[mamazee]

Honestly, I'd go with #1. If she changes her mind, she'll seek your kids out, but she has the right to not play with anyone she doesn't want to play with, and doesn't need to give a reason why she would reject their company. You said your daughter is not used to not being liked, but this won't be the last time someone won't like her and it's good she's handling it like she is. I'd let it go so she doesn't learn to become anxious or upset when someone doesn't like her or doesn't want to play with her.

[HappyMommy2]

It seems like #1 is the only option. The girl was clear.

It's great your girls aren't really bothered by it!

[mommy2maya]

I really don't see how anything but option one could be a possibility. Despite you thinking that the age difference should not matter, it might matter to the neighbor girl. Having a nine year old, seven year old and four year old, I can certainly see how she would not want to play with your girls, especially if they are a package deal. My nine year old would t have a problem with playing with the seven year old but would tire easily of having to entertain the younger child.

Also how can you be sure that she has nothing else to do? And even if she does have nothing to do, it doesn't mean that she has to play with your kids or enjoy their company.

[nextcommercial]

#1.

Just tell them to leave the girl alone. The poor kid doesn't want to play with anybody. It's not a big deal. She just doesn't want to play. She's much older than your four year old, and perhaps she doesn't want a four year old in her room messing with her stuff. Nine and ten is pre-teen... it's a whole other world. They are between playing with "Littlest pet shop" and looking at tiger beat magazine.

When my daughter was in grade school, there were ZERO girls in the neighborhood until she was in fifth grade. I felt So bad for her. We tried everything we could to meet new girls that would come over and play with her. There was one girl who's mom was nuts, and we had to keep them separate when mom was near. We even planned playdates which isn't as much fun as spontaniously going to someone's house to play, or going outside. Then in fifth grade, it all changed. (until 6th grade when they started the mean girl stage.. that was fun)

[dachshundqueen]

Yeah #1.

Liz

[AllisonR]

I was going to post #1, but now I see after putting my kids to bed, it's already taken care of. I agree a 9 or 10 yo would often not want to play with a 4yo, no matter how sweet she is, the interests are just not there. She might not want to play with a 7 yo either - her choice. Leave her alone. If she decides to be friends with your older DD at some point, let her do it as a non-package deal.

[choli]

#1 I'm afraid. It would be obnoxious to keep trying when this girl has asked them to stop coming over. Her mother is unlikely to try to force her to play with your kids if you do call her, and quite rightly.

Most girls of 9 or 10 have little in common with a 4 yr old.

[velochic]

I agree with the others and say #1, but thought I'd put something else out there to consider. My dd is on the downhill slide to 9 years old. My elderly mother lives with us. Dd is an only. We live in a neighborhood where there are no kids to play with. I can *TOTALLY* relate to the perspective of the neighbor girl and her family.

First of all, if I had not met the parents and had a goodly long time talking to them (more than a cursory "hello", I mean), the kids would not be in my house to play with my dd. Never would she be at a neighbor's house without me having spent some time in that house as well. It could be that the mother simply is too busy being a single, working mother, caring for her own mother, to form a relationship or even get comfortable with you. I think most parents want to know the kids and the kids' parents if they are going to play together.

Also, if the mother isn't home, then her mother (the elderly grandmother) is caring for the daughter (and a little bit of visa versa because at 9, the girl can help out grandma quite a bit). That means that the elderly woman is caring for two young kids that are not her own. Now, your kids may be "no problem" to you and all of your friends, but that doesn't mean that an elderly woman might not be anxious about looking after other people's kids... especially a 4 yo (and yeah, a 7 yo needs a lot of tending to as well). I know my mom would be very upset if kids were coming over that she didn't know and that she had to watch, especially young kids. And 2 extra kids may not seem like much, but to an elderly woman, that's 3 times the kids she used to watching and they are going to need more attention than a 9yo pre-teen.

One more thing... you haven't even talked to the mom... maybe they are feeling like you are using them as babysitters. Sure, it's not true, but if you haven't talked to them, then it's impossible for them to understand why someone would want their 4yo playing with a 9 yo.

Just some other things to think about. You're seeing this as "neighbor girl rejecting my kids", but it might be something entirely different.

It could also be that the girl just *enjoys* being alone. I know my dd does.

[luv-my-boys]

Originally Posted by velochic

Just some other things to think about. You're seeing this as "neighbor girl rejecting my kids", but it might be something entirely different.

.

I know this might sound harsh but sometimes people just dont like another person. No real reason but they just dont mesh. I know that has happened with my own kids, sometimes they *click* with other kids and sometimes they dont.

[MusicianDad]

I'd go with #1 too. This girl has made it clear and you (and your girls) need to respect that she has no desire to play with them. Which really isn't that uncommon, your kids are 4 and 7 and she's 9 or 10. It's possible she doesn't enjoy playing the same sort of things your kids do.

[Artichokie]

Honestly, I would assume that a girl of age 9-10 may be going through some changes in which she no longer wants to hang out with little kids. I doubt it is a reflection on your kids and I would just let it go.

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by momileigh

I am sure that I could get every family we've ever played with to vouch that my girls are sweet and easy to play with, so I just *know* that the issue isn't that they weren't playing nicely. I know this girl has no other children to play with at her house, and I just can't imagine, despite the age difference, why she would reject their company. I don't know, but I imagine she is probably just watching tv or playing by herself all day most days this summer.

I think you have some pretty strong biases about only children, and that's coloring your perspective. You know the girl is often out of the house, and you can't know that she doesn't have friends over all the time. And even if she is home all the time with her grandmother, that doesn't mean she wants to spend lots of time playing with much younger children. It's likely that they purged their little kid stuff from the house, and your 4 y.o. spent the visit trying to get into things she'd prefer the 4 y.o. not touch. IME, 9 y.o. who don't spend a lot of time around preschoolers often find them very stressful.

Just because she is the only other kid in the neighborhood doesn't obligate her to play with your kids. FWIW, my 4 y.o. is also very easy going and well behaved, but I'd never send him to someone's house to play without a specific invitation from an adult. The kind of supervision a 4 y.o. needs is orders of magnitude different than what a 9 year old needs, and putting someone in the position where they either need to watch a preschooler or send them away is not a very nice thing to do.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by momileigh

I am sure that I could get every family we've ever played with to vouch that my girls are sweet and easy to play with, so I just *know* that the issue isn't that they weren't playing nicely.

mama dont go down this path of disappointment.

dont we adults do the same thing? just because some people are sweet and kind and really nice doesnt mean i have to like them or interact with them.

whatever the reasoning is - the older child does not want to play with your children. she has made her wishes very clear. in fact i am very impressed that she even found a way of saying she doesnt want them to come over.

my dd has been on both sides of the fence. it was a good life lesson to her.

i would do a sort of #1. meaning i would still be polite to the older girl if and when you see her in public. and keep all channels open. so if she is ready to change her mind she can invite your girls again.

i know my almost 8 year old has a hard time these days playing with younger kids. seh can do very well with toddlers but not 4 or 5 year olds.

[earthmama369]

There are plenty of nice, interesting, fun people out there who I don't choose to be friends with. Someone can be the nicest person in the world, but it doesn't necessarily mean that we'll click or have many interests in common. And sometimes a person's life is just full and they don't have a lot of time or emotional room to add more people, no matter how cool they are. Don't take it personally. 7 and 4 is a pretty big difference from 9 or 10. They may not click on a more than occasional basis simply because of the age difference. I wouldn't expect a 10-year-old to want to play with my 4-year-old very often.

[poppan]

If I were the 9/10 y.o. or her family, I hate to say it but the thought of why is my neighbor expecting us to babysit her kids would cross my mind. The age gap seems pretty big to me, esp. for your 4 y.o.

Maybe it's because I was an almost-only child (6 year age gap between me and my sister, and we never played together). But when I was 9/10 (and really until I had kids of my own) I hated younger children and thought they were awfully annoying. No matter how nicely they played. Needless to say I never babysat for money. Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say I don't think it's a reflection on your children, more on the age gap, and I think the older child is perfectly within her rights to not want to play with them and I would respect her wishes.

[Cascadian]

Totally #1. Just because they are girls within the same age grouping does not mean they like each other, or want to be around each other.

When I was 9, kids even a year younger than me were passe (I had 2 younger siblings) and I wasn't interested. I didn't like kids getting into my stuff.

I have a 4.5 and 6.5 yr old, and the younger, while she is mature for her age because of having an older sister, is nowhere near the maturity of a 9 yr old. My eldest considers her a pest when she has her own similar aged friends over.

Finally...friendships at this age are mercurial. Things might change at the drop of a hat. Maybe the 9 yr old is going through some social or developmental thing.

Don't personalize it, but do respect her boundaries.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I can see a 9yo unaccustom to having a small child around really not wanting a 4yo to play in her room with her stuff. I don't see it as a relaxing scenario for the 9yo.

[One_Girl]

I think you should go with number one. There is a big difference in maturity even between a 7 and a 9 year old (though it isn't always there) and this girl may just be tired of playing with children who don't play at her level. I babysat a 9 year old girl and she swung between wanting to play like a child and wanting to be left in peace, which was sometimes very hard on her 6 year old brother and my dd. When she did play with them she made them play little kid roles and she was very impatient with them. My dd is seven and even she won't play with a four year old. Being an only definitely has made her more protective of her peace as well so siblings are out as well, she was very happy when I stopped watching the siblings because they bickered quite a bit and she complained often about their annoying fighting. This girl may also view your kids as too young (especially the four year old) or too annoying.

I definitely don't suggest going the route of #3, she did nothing wrong and there is nothing to work out even if you aren't happy that she doesn't find your kids fun to play with. Choice #2 may lead to some really mean things being said to your kids if they keep pestering her to play. Sometimes friendships just don't work out, it is sad but it has more to do with personal preference than how the kids get along with other kids. I think you should let this go.

[momileigh]

OK, thanks for the input. #1 is overwhelmingly the way to go, so I guess I'll tell them to stop trying. Some of the points you have made (for example, whether the issue is the "package deal" w/ the 4-yo) were reasons I thought I might try to talk to the mother. I did not expect her to "force" her daughter to play with mine, but if there were a problem that could be solved, that would be good I think. But I guess I've already reached out to her and have gotten no response, and I don't want to be obnoxious.

As homeschoolers we often interact with other age levels, and my 7-yo plays with lots of girls between the ages of 4-12; as a kid I was always playing w/ neighborhood kids years different from myself. But there were also neighborhood kids I never played with at all... so I guess she's going to be one of those.

I would say the chances of running into her or her seeking us out are approximately zero. In a year and a half, I've never even seen this child or her mother, except once in the car. Maybe next summer my then-8-yo can try once more to ask her if she'd like to be friends for the summer. She's not available during the school year anyway.