how do you find time to socialize?

[noahs_wings]

When dd was born i couldnt understand this at all, i thought maybe its just because I have a demanding baby that I cant get out. When i did i saw other babies sitting in car seats happily playing with their feet or sleeping, my dd had reflux and was very attached, needed constant nursing, changing, bouncing, cleaning up spit ups that went everywhere etc etc. There was no way i could go hang out with friends..


Now she's 3 and Im sure i could do the sitting at t he park and letting the kdis play pretty independently thing but how do you find time?

Today I need to vacuum the whole house, mop the floors, do a mound of dishes (by hand not cause i let them pile up, cause thats just what is after breakfast and snack) we need laundry and i hang it up to dry, take it down, fold put away etc.

Once i get that all done with a lot of distractions in between, pott, playing reading, dogs, mail etc

its time to start dinner

i fi had a play date today where would all the work go?

Had an argument with dh last night where he said im anti social and i have no friends and it made me really mad because i feel like that's one of the things i sort of gave up to be home

then there's the money... i cant spend money to get coffee or go to museums or activities or get pizza or take out on the way home instead of cooking or pay a maid to do it for me or gas to get anywhere etc.


So we end up home a lot and im happy with that actually I feel great when the house is clean laundry done, home made healthy meal cooked and time enjoyed with dd by my side helping all day, playing in the yard or in the kitchen etc.

I dont necessarily want to be the mom who is on the go all day outside the house having a social life or whatever

im sure there's a balance im just wondering how

[CherryBombMama]

i dont, really and my to-do list looks just like yours!

i see my mom about once a week, my dh visits his parents a couple times a week and i go w/ him and my ds once a week, i never see my pre baby friends, because to be honest, i just dont care who they are dating, what unfair thing their parents are making them do, how they dont have any $$ cuz they dont have a job, etc ... i see my favorite cousin maybe once a month.

every now and then i want some crunchy mama friends, but i agree - when would i have time to visit them? my ds naps in the middle of the day, the beginning of the day is for chores/errands/ a fast run to the park, weather permittng. after his nap, i make dhs dinner from stratch, clean up dinner, then spend time with my family.

i guess i have no advice maybe when the kids (#2 is due in a couple weeks!) are older, and less "needy" it will be easier? i sure hope so!

ETA: i definitely dont "stay" home everyday though. i purposely go to the market, video store, bank, mall, Target or Ikea (to walk around, not to buy lol), on separate days to get us out of the house IF we dont go to the park. but its always in the AM.

[EdnaMarie]

I force myself. I know how you feel because when I had my first, I felt overwhelmed. But when she was two, I saw my cousin taking her THREE kids out to activities daily. Her house wasn't perfect but it also wasn't bad--it was always either clean OR neat, rarely both but never squalor. And I thought to myself... this feeling of being overwhelmed must stop. People manage. I will manage. I will plough through but I will get out of this house.

Basically, here is what I do.

1. Decide that outside play is not an option. I schedule it. If I don't get something else done, too bad. Outdoors is for health, it is for social development, it is not "fun". It is for our sanity.
2. Mornings are chores, afternoons are for going out. I do one or two chores before we stop at the park if necessary. Never shopping as it takes forever then you have to go back home, etc.

My schedule:

7:00- I wake. Start coffee, breakfast.
7:30- Kids wake. Or earlier. Whatever. We eat breakfast.
8:00- Wash faces, brush teeth, dress.
8:25- Take DD1 to pre-school.
8:35- Return with DD2. Nurse her. Clean house. I sweep and mop two or three times a week. The other days, I will dust. Is my house a model? No, but it's fairly nice and at least we are healthy.
10:00- Chores (water plants, feed sourdough starter) and web time. Frankly if I eliminated the web I could get a lot more done.
10:45- Shower with DD2.
11:00- Do basic lunch prep, think of sandwiches, or defrost leftovers.
11:30- Pick up DD1.
11:50- Lunch.
12:30- Put kids down for nap. Web / computer time (I am so bad... it must stop... anyway, this is about you, LOL! Sorry. Needless to say I could be doing something useful then.) I try to sleep at this time, too. DD1 falls asleep later but at least she's quiet, more or less.
2:30- Kids wake. Brief snack like carrots or fruit or yoghurt.
3:00-3:30- Park. We have a lake nearby that's free. We stay for 2 - 3 hours so I don't bring snacks. I bring water bottles and I have an emergency granola bar stash in the car. We don't do museums, pizza, or whatever.
5:30-6:00- Home. Put the grain on, defrost the meat. Start salad (in summer, this is chopped veggies, nothing more).
5:40-6:10- Spice the meat / beans, put under broiler.
6:30- Dinner on the table.
6:50-7:00- Kids in bath for about 15-20 minutes. When they get out, they run about naked while I do a Flylady trick of wiping down fixtures and bathtub with shampoo on a washcloth, rinsing then drying with a linen cloth for shine. Takes 10 min. Vitamin, brush teeth, stories.
7:15-7:45- Begin reading stories.
7:30-8:00- Lights out.
8:00-9:00- Really? On the net. I am supposed to be doing some laundry and cleaning up the kitchen then.

Now, this is our summer routine. We live in the north so when it's summer I am a PARK FASCIST. We MUST go outside during these months or we will freaking regret it in the winter. Winter is my time for fancy meals, baking, arts and crafts, etc.

Summer, we go to the same park 3 - 5 days a week and I chat with my mama pals. The other days we go to the lake.

Now, this is a SUMMER schedule.

In the winter, my schedule is more like yours. We do go out several times a week to our local craft center or whatever. But I was reared in the Pacific Northwest and I just physically cannot let the sun go by. It's literally terrifying, nauseating to me to think of missing that one day. I think it's because I'm darker skinned, so I need that vitamin D desperately. The desire to be outdoors likewise affected our bedtime: I decided we had to be up early, so we had to ahve a "real" bedtime.

(Laundry has not been folded for several days. But that is due to 'net addiction, as I could do it after bedtime. But depending on where you live, there may just be times of year that you need to go with a much simpler cuisine and less clean house (perhaps close off a couple rooms? only vacuum where the dogs go? I dunno, those are just random thoughts, you can decide what can be let slide...) and go for it, take the plunge.

On the OTHER hand, if you are in a warm climate, you can afford to take it easy and perhaps just schedule a couple days a week outside and then schedule cleaning around that.

I do take my kids with me for errands. It's a pain and a half and I hate it. Takes a ton of time. I have to do it and I'm working on discipline to make it work better.

Good luck. I remember those days and now I think, it was so overwhelming, I let it stop me, but now I have two and how much I could have gotten done! LOL. But I remember it so well.

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm the exact opposite of you. I can't stand being around the house, hate doing housework, the house has fallen to the wayside. We're always on the go (yes, even with an incredibly high-needs DS) and we find tons of (free!) activities to do with friends like the playground, beach, hiking, playdates, etc. We don't care if the house doesn't stay neat & clean because we value other experiences (social/outdoors/new environment/etc.) more. Actually the house doesn't get as bad as it could anyway because we're never home to mess it up!!

If you are happy then I see no reason to do anything differently. But if you want to socialize more, maybe you could invite some friends over to prepare dinner together? Everyone can bring ingredients & you can all chop etc. while the kids play and then everyone can bring home a dish ready to put in the oven. Or you & another mom could do your grocery shopping together... or just invite some friends over for a playdate & chat while you fold your laundry.

Or you can just set aside one or two mornings a week for 'social time' and just know that you'll have to work housework in around it?

[BetsyS]

If we stay home too much, my kids are literally bouncing off the walls. I get out to protect my sanity. Our backyard is very small, not fenced, and we don't really have a lot of outside play area for them. That very much influences my choices. If we had a fenced in yard, I doubt I'd go to the park twice a week, you know? Also, my oldest is almost 4. He LOVES to play with his friends and be around people. LOVES it. When he was a baby, sometimes, we'd just go to the grocery store to walk around cause he loved it so much.

My oldest cried in the car from 6 weeks until about 6 months. I understand not going places. I limited it, but we just chose close places. After that time period, we started going more.

I go see my mom and spend the day at her house once a week. I go to the dentist and OB in her town, so that she can watch my kids for me while I am there. That works out really well for me.

I'm part of an active playgroup, and we have a playdate once or twice a week (today we toured the local AAA baseball stadium). Often, it's to the park, and I can see mama friends, my boys have fun, and it's a win-win situation. My playgroup started through meet-up, though some of us (like me) joined because we were friends with someone in the group. It's helpful to find a group of friends/playgroup mommies that are interested in free/cheap activities. My group is large, so we do a mix of free stuff, plus other things that cost more money. I just rarely attend the money ones.

One day a week, we do errands. I've simplified this a lot. I do a lot of things drive through (bank, dry cleaner, pharmacy). I go to the post office in my mom's very small, no wait ever, town. If I only need 1-2 items (like from a specific store), I go in the evening with no kids. I have made some stops into family outings (our local international market and Goodwill), by talking them up and making them fun for my kids/dh, so we do those on weekends. I shop at a couple of huge consignment sales spring and fall, trying to knock out all their clothing needs at one time. I rarely shop for me. So, mostly, it's groceries, plus an occasional stop elsewhere. If I forget it on grocery day, we mostly do without (sometimes I get dh to stop on the way home). I don't like to waste multiple days shopping.

Other days, we go to a park as an outing. We have some close (5 minutes) and some far (up to 30 minutes). Sometimes I meet friends (facebook is great for spur of the moment get togethers), sometimes I talk to whoever is there, and sometimes, I relish the quiet. We also sometimes do story time, free/cheap kiddie activities, and sometimes, I come up with something else (recently, we went downtown and walked in all the cross walks cause my oldest had seen it on Curious George, and he thought it'd be fun. It was. And free!)

My house isn't always perfect, but it's okay. I do flylady, but I break up my once-weekly cleaning into 6 ten minute tasks, then I fit them in where I can. I try to spend about 30 minutes in the AM, 30 minutes in the afternoon, then 30 minutes in the evening cleaning. I like to cook, so it doesn't feel like a chore, and I often include my kids, so they don't think of it as time away from them. Some of my best memories of childhood are cooking with my mom every afternoon, so that plays into that there.

I do stay home at least one day a week, and I do a huge amount of cleaning that day amongst playing and interruptions. I do the bulk of the laundry on that day, one load after another all day long.

[justduckyangie]

I think I'd go insane if I didn't get out. I belong to two moms group. One I found on yahoo and also mothers and more. We have alot of park play dates in the Summer. Many times I don't get a ton of time to talk to other moms (my 2.5 yo is a monkey on the playground) and that's fine. I NEED to get out to feel like I've accomplished something. I pretty much suck at housework, our house isn't dirty, but it never stays in pristine condition for long with 3 kids, a dog and a dh who works from home. I need to get back into flylady or motivated moms again.

I say if you're happy, that's what matters. I am anti social/shy so I have to force myself to make friends.

[Learning_Mum]

It sounds like you're happy with the way things are. If your DD also seems happy I don't think you really need to worry.

As for chores I leave the deep cleaning to the weekend and make everyone help. My day is: take DS1 to kindy, home with DS2, put on the washing, do the dishes, make the beds, tidy up. Then I play with DS2 or just go on the computer if he's happy. At midday we go get DS1 from kindy. I might pick up the toys in the afternoon. Usually we stay hom in the afternoon but sometimes we have friends over or do some errands. I start dinner at 4.30pm, we eat at 5pm, kids are in the bath at 5.30pm. While they're in the bath I tidy up and vaccuum (we have a tiny house so I can hear them at all times), clean the kitchen. DS2 goes to bed at 6.30pm and DS1 goes to bed at 7.30pm. Once they're in bed I tidy up (again!) and that's me done for the day! I'll usually watch telly and just relax.

It takes about an hour to clean the toilet and bathroom, vaccuum, mop the floors, dust etc on the weekend when everyone is helping. The bonus is that I feel like I start the week with a clean slate because everything is cleaned on Sunday.

[Jaxinator]

For me, I don't spend a ton of time on cleaning. I have a Roomba, so my vacuuming is done (it was a gift, and let me tell you, one of the best gifts I've ever recieved). I don't mop, I spray my floors with my vinegar concoction and wipe them, takes me 10 minutes.
Last night my husband hung out with his friends so I took my kiddo and we went out to dinner with my friends. Well, not out. More like a potluck at someone's house.

Someone else mention having friends come over, I think that's a good idea too. You're not spending time traveling, and you can serve up some tea, nothing expensive or fancy.

[limabean]

It sounds like you and your DD are happy with the way things are. Lots of 3-year-olds are happy to just hang with mama instead of doing lots of social stuff. We tend to be more of a hang-at-home crew too, although my 5yo DS is starting to want to do stuff with friends more frequently now, so I'm trying to set up get-togethers more often.

That said, to answer your question, we're able to get out and do stuff because I don't do the level of cleaning that you do during the day. I move laundry along (10-15 minutes tops?), and after each meal I do the dishes, wipe down the counters, and sweep up crumbs (again, 10-15 minutes at the most?), but DH and I take 15 minutes or so to tidy up (toys, papers, etc.) every evening after the kids go to bed, and we take an hour or two every Saturday morning to do a "big clean" of the house, where DH vacuums/mops, I clean the bathrooms and kitchen, and DS dusts. It doesn't take long, and that way we have a nice clean house for the weekend and I'm not spending all day cleaning during the week.

[Peony]

I make socializing my priority and not cleaning. Each family is different and we would all go insane if we stayed home, today we had two activities planned, already did one this morning, and one later this afternoon. Dinner is cooking in the crockpot, I would like to vacuum this afternoon but my day hasn't gone as planned so if I get the house picked up, and packed (leaving town on Friday and a FULL day of fun planned tomorrow) then I will call it good. In my mind, the laundry can wait, a fun day at the park with friends is so much better.

[cyclamen]

My home chores do not take that long.... we eat simple food, lots of leftovers and I do dishes once a day, mop twice a week (edit: with one of those washable microfiber heads... best thing ever!), vacuum every other day, and laundry and diapers once a week at the laundromat. Do a big clean on Friday or Saturday (BF helps) so the house is nice for the weekend. DD has two bins of toys in the living room... takes five minutes tops to pick up. Part of it is we just don't have a lot of stuff to keep clean (don't get me wrong, though, we do have clutter, but I am slowly dealing with that), and I only cook a really big meal once or twice a week. We have a pretty small apartment too, so that helps.

I do things this way because I have freelance work to do as well as I want to have time to hang out on our front lawn (a patch of grass) with the sprinkler and some friends, or go to a coffee shop to meet friends with babes, or have people over to cook a potluck brunch on sundays, or hang out at the library in the toddler room while I read my magazines, or have moms and aunties and babies over at my house for mini baby hang outs. We love going to the library. But my daughter is pretty social even at 13 months, and she thrives on going to new places.

We do not have extra money, and we walk and bus to places because my boyfriend needs the car to go to work. Heck, if we were richer, I might spend more time at home. Haha ha.

Out of curiosity

Had an argument with dh last night where he said im anti social and i have no friends and it made me really mad because i feel like that's one of the things i sort of gave up to be home

What precipitated the arguement? Why did he call you antisocial?

[amberskyfire]

I started going to LLL meetings partly so I could make a mom friend because I didn't have any. The group leader and I ended up being totally alike and both of us were in the same position, so we clicked right away and started hanging out. It's a lot easier than it sounds.

Basically, we just invite each other to whatever we are doing. If I'm taking my daughter to the zoo that day, I call my friend and she brings her boys. Our kids are right around the same age range, so they can all play together. The kids have fun and my friend and I get lots of time to talk. Plus, we both mostly want to talk about our kids, so I don't have to bore somebody with mom-talk all day long, LOL!

Often, if one of us is feeling lonely but doesn't feel like getting out of the house, we invite the other over and we hang out and have lunch together.

[greenemami]

I'm lucky to have met a group of 3 other likeminded moms who all have two kids each as well. We try to get together once a week, but sometimes it stretches to once a month or even less, or sometimes it is only a couple of us who can get together, etc. I am the only one who works (outside of being a SAHM, of course ), so although I WAH, I still have more limited "hours" than they do. I also see my sisters fairly frequently.

When I have a playdate, I skip chores. It is definitely a trade off and I just try to plan for it so that I still have a day to do laundry (we also hang dry on the line, so I know this can be full day thing just for a couple of loads, plus we cloth diaper so there is a lot of laundry), we also handwash dishes, so I mostly wait for ds' naptime to get this done, we only go grocery shopping once every couple of weeks, etc... I think it is worth it to see friends and have dd get to play with her friends. I am very introverted and a homebody as well, but I always have a good time once I manage to make myself get out of the house

Also, we almost always meet at one another's houses or a park, so it is VERY rare (almost never really) that we plan an activity that costs anything. I also don't feel bad saying no to things that I can't afford-everyone understands that we can't all go to everything, and I make sure they know that I will not be offended if they go without me!

[MrsH]

That staying home vs. going out balance can be so tricky, can't it? I agree with previous posters that if you and your dd are happy, then by all means keep doing what you're doing! On the other hand, I've been finding myself making a real effort to get our more because the kids really needed it. What I learned was that it actually helps me as well! We have three kids (8, 4, 14months), but have only parented them for the past two years so that's been a big learning curve for us. Our eldest needs time to play with other kids. Our middle one needs space to explore without ruining our stuff. The youngest would probably still be fairly content at home but gets dragged all over creation for the bigger two.

A previous poster mentioned spending time outdoors in the summer and we're definitely in the same boat. Every Tuesday we do a hiking program for children and their caregivers. The rest of the week we hit up local playgrounds and the pond. Once a week we take a field trip (think petting zoo, riding trains, or getting a library pass to a local museum). We also meet up with my SIL and her three kids most weeks, usually at a playground. I'm still looking for some mom-friends whom I can call on to keep me company when needed, but am making progress in that arena.

I try to keep up with the Flylady stuff and the biggest thing I've learned from her are to 1) have some routines that are a seamless part of the rest of the day and 2) to focus on only one area each week for deep cleaning. We do our big full-house clean-up on the weekend and make it part of our family time. I'm trying to get my kids to know that when it's mommy's chore time, they can either help me or entertain themselves. Having a swingset in the backyard has helped tremendously with that.

About a month ago I also gave up running to a book/computer every spare second I had. I'm focusing more on my kids now, responding to them when they ask for it rather than expecting them to wait all the time. Letting them know that they are #1 priority most of the time. Since implementing that, they've been much better about letting me get some chores done and also about taking their rest hour after lunch, so I still feel like I get some personal time and time to get chores and cleaning done.

All the best with whatever direction you take!

[Masel]

One of the most useful things I learned is that my house gets less messy if we aren't here. This was enough to overcome my natural inclination to stay home.

[Pookietooth]

I was socializing more with ds, now that I have two I hardly ever get out and it's driving me nuts. But yeah, finding a place to go with other moms you like is important.

[AtYourCervices]

When my oldest child was a baby (12 years ago), I lost all of my friends. I figured it was because we were different people. I was no longer interested in that "immature pre-baby stuff". What I realized was that I was depressed. I was no longer interested in what I used to do (classic depression signs).

I made some like minded mama friends, but it felt strained to me. There was too much non-verbal competition. We compared our lives, making mental notes of what we'd do differently if we were in their shoes. It caused a lot of negativity.

Then, I grew up.

I began to make friends with other people. Some are also parents. Some are not. We have different religious and political beliefs. But, somehow, we have managed to develop strong, lasting friendships.

One thing I learned to do was keep a conversation starter on me at all times. Right now, I have a rubik's cube and a book by Sark. You never know when you're going to meet somebody new! It's always helpful to have something extra to keep the conversation going. Plus, having these little things on your person will remind you to be open to talking to others. I mean, don't be a weirdo, approaching perfect strangers asking them to play with your slinky... but if the opportunity arises to make new friends, you want to be seen as funny and fun.

My challenge to you is to reach out to an acquaintance from your past. Find them on facebook if need be. Check out their wall posts, see if they're somebody you'd be interested in spending time with, and then figure out something to do that's mutually appealing.

Regarding finding something to do on the cheap, I'll give you examples of things I've done with friends in the past few months:

• Wading in the stream at the local park, kids in tow (this was with friends who don't have kids)
• Thrift store shopping together
• Going out for McD's ice cream cone (cheap)
• Playing Monopoly
• Sitting on the porch
• Winery tour (free!), one friend bought some bottles and we went and sat on the beach
• Going grocery shopping together, or hitting up the local Walmart or mall for needed supplies; helping a friend pick out new glasses
• Going to a friend's house for coffee, or making mochaccinos for friends here
• Walking around the neighborhood
• Wandering around a local event (ran into some other old friends there)
• Backyard campout
• Sitting at home with friends and kids, watching cartoons together (Garfield and Friends brings us back to our childhoods)
• Life planning together
• Surfing the web together, sharing funny videos from youtube
• Creating our own funny video for youtube

Recently I found a local hiking group, which I plan on joining for at least a couple hikes in the near future.

I think the one thing that's helped me make so many friends is finding my inner funny-woman. Before, I was serious all the time. I was so focused on subjects that I was passionate about. But, it's hard to make a lot of friends when you're only talking about birth, breasts and vaginas. I expanded my interests. I show interest in others. I can be self deprecating at times. I laugh a lot, though, and so do those around me.

When my husband and I first got together, he was frustrated because I didn't have many friends. He was quite popular. I, on the other hand, was in the midst of clearing toxic people out of my life. I was learning what kind of people I wanted to attract. I figured it out, though, and made more friends. Meanwhile, he lost most of his friends along the way (due to moving away to go to University & working a third shift job). I'm currently trying to encourage him to get out and make friends (we don't share many friends). He's making some steps, going out and gaming with his buddies.

I'm excited because we'll be moving in the near future. I hope that he and I will be able to make some friends in common. I look forward to finding new friends. Meeting people shouldn't feel like a chore, though sometimes you do have to force yourself to take the first step.

Good luck!

[Abraisme]

I'm another mama that needs to get out of the house and socialize.

I have an 11mo, a 6yo, a .5acre urban homestead and a smallish house. I somehow manage to keep my house pretty clean, take care of all my animals (my 6yo helps with this as well), maintain a very large garden, cook meals AND get out of the house several times a week to socialize.

I generally do all of my daily chores in the morning (EI animals and garden) and then other activities in the afternoon. I also stay home 2-3 full days a week and do all of my weekly chores in a couple large blocks (cleaning, laundry, weeding etc).

My friends and I always do low to no cost kid-friendly activities. We to outside to the park a lot, have a mommies group, make large batches of food together, have bbqs at our homes, etc.

If you really want friends, there is a way to do it. If you're happy with your life now, then there's no reason to change it. Every person has different social needs, it's fine to be your own person.