Help! I wrote another long one... sorry but please help!

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

Ok so that I don't have to say it all over again... I just wrote this post this morning... http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1245313
Skim read (its long) to get the gist of it...

So I want a homebirth very badly! I don't have the money. My mom just offered to loan me the money. She said if her business was going better she would just give me the money, but sadly she can't afford that...she can however afford to put it on a credit card and I could pay her back with monthly payments. She knows I would pay her back and she isn't worried about it.

This is awesome news for me, but I am unsure if I should take her up on it. I work full time and my bf works two jobs. When I stop working to take care of our two kids we very likely will be in a bit of a financial bind. Possibly will have to go back on food stamps... that's the kind of financial bind I'm talking about. Just to give you an idea.

I've never borrowed money and not paid it back. I've never put myself in a situation where I wasn't able to pay the money back. I should be getting a large chunk of change back when my taxes for 2010 come in, but I don't like to count on that money... Its been consistent for the last 2 years but you never know!

Currently my only debt is the mortgage on my house and my credit card which is a couple thousand and I already have a plan in place to pay it off completely in the next 3 months. So my only debt would be my mortgage. I work really hard to stay on top of my finances even though I'm in the very low income classification.

If I was planning to go back to work when number 2 was born I wouldn't be worried because I know exactly how much I can make and how much I can afford to put down each month to pay my mom back. However I plan to stay at home and my bf is going to be responsible for bringing in enough money to cover us financially each month... This is where I'm questioning what to do. He is horrible with finances. 3 years I've been trying to teach him and he just sucks at it. He has horrible credit and quite frankly I'm 3 months from my due date and I'm freaking out that he is not going to be able to support us. So how can I confidently tell my mom that I'll be able to pay her back when I'm looking at not even being able to afford my regular monthly bills... The only thing I have is my tax return which has been consistently around $3000-4000. My mom would be loaning me $3600. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! So dilemma dilemma!

Do I trust that I’ll get enough back on my taxes? Do I trust that my bf will be able to step up to the plate? Is all of this worth it to have the birth I truly want… to avoid a hospital birth? I don’t know! I just don’t know. I’ve been crying over my options and now I have a real option to have the birth experience I’ve been crying over and I’m stuck.

If you were in my situation what would you do? I plan for this to be my last child so its not an option for the future. I also understand that even the best plans can go haywire. But lets pretend I would have the birth I want for argument sakes…. Is it worth it? I guess that’s the bottom line. I know I can only answer that for myself, but I’d love to hear others advice as well.

[HeatherB]

I would definitely have some very frank discussions with your BF about what's needed, what's coming in, and make sure you're both on the same page. If there will be enough, go for it.

Your taxes may well change because you won't be working, but you may be able to estimate how much you'll get back at this point in time. Half, perhaps, if you only worked half the year? I'm no CPA, but talk to one; I'm sure they could help.

I think having your credit card fully paid off is a very good thing. But, I also wonder if it would be worth investing that towards the birth? Obviously, you'd still, then, need to be paying the CC. But that stood out as a source of payment that might help.

And, finally, you can always talk to your MW-of-choice about payment plans, options, bartering etc. And will insurance pay back any of it?

Seems there are a variety of options, but that the BIG thing is ensuring you can truly depend on your BF's provision. To do that, you need to sit down and work out all the numbers. You should probably be in charge of the finances altogether, as well. It's quite the norm for the woman to be (often better at it), and you'll have time to work on it since you'll be at home ( yeah, yeah, I know you'll be quite busy with the LOs, but sometimes that softens it for men).

Hope you find a solution you're happy with!

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Lucy&Jude'sMama

Is it worth it?

I kinda hate to say this but:
It depends.

It depends on how the hospital(s) are. Really, not all American hospitals are that dreadful! I had my DS in a smaller hospital outside the city, UCMC, & it was great!! (I've heard smaller hospitals are often better for NCB) & most natural-birthing mamas in Baltimore who hospital birth go to Mercy. I've repeatedly read nothing but great things about labor & birth there with the MWs. (I've read some complaints about post-partum care & check out, but that's it.)

So, if I could birth some place like UCMC or Mercy vs. the financial bind of HB, I'd go with hospital birth.

Whereas GBMC has the highest CS rate in the whole state at 44%. Friends of ours were going to birth there & had most of their birth plan red-lined & crossed out by the OB! They switched to UCMC I've often said, only half-jokingly, that I'd squat all alone in the woods before I'd birth there!

So, it depends what your hospital options are like.

Originally Posted by Lucy&Jude'sMama

I'm freaking out that he is not going to be able to support us.

So it sounds like you're already stressed about finances and HB will only contribute to your stress. I just don't think you need that right now.
I know it's not a great situation - neither option is ideal, neither is what you want. But if you can find MWs (or an NCB-friendly family doc, or a decent OB) at a decent hospital, I would personally vote for that. There is so much that you can do to make your hospital birth better. And you won't have the financial pressure causing you more stress for months to come after you have your little one.
& that is my vote as someone who is very pro-HB.

Hey, there are some perks to hospital birth!
-No need to gather supplies yourself & have food stocked for everyone
-No need to worry about the mess (I know the MWs clean up at an HB, but I read one story of blood splattered on a wall from cutting the umbilical cord )
-You can have nurses change meconium diapers if you want
-Food & drinks brought to you (Yeah, food isn't so good, true)
-The biggest hospital perk, IMO: They take care of the birth cert & social security! I literally did nothing - they took care of it all for me! Whereas HB mamas in Maryland have to deal with the dept of health & one even was told they'd need to do an internal exam to confirm she'd given birth! She asked when to bring her lawyer with her to inform them they had no right to demand that & they backed off, but still, it's generally a hassle.
-My hospital also had a masseuse come around for a free massage the next day. That was quite nice!

[Turquesa]

You might cross-post this in Frugality and Finances. There are some pretty savvy mamas in that forum.

[kcparker]

Yes, it's totally worth it, IMO. If you are low income AND you have two kids, not one, you will get a good, hefty tax return for 2010, especially if you can take the EIC. If your mom can wait for the money, I would assume that you will get a good return and go for it. It's JUST MONEY, pieces of paper that you got in trade for your time and energy, or numbers on a computer screen if you are looking at an on-line bank statement. More will come to you. As I said in my other post, birth is a once-in-a-lifetime event. I would have paid twice what I did to be able to have my second baby at home. It was perhaps the BEST money I have ever spent, better than the wonderful horse I had in my 20s (who was, admittedly almost as loved as my children are), better than the ill-advised romantic misadventure in Australia, waaaay better than graduate school.

As for BF the grasshopper - is he an unreliable earner, or does he just not do well with the money once it's in his hot little hands? If it's the former, you have some problems, and maybe he should stay home with the kids if his earning ability is in question and you have a decent full-time job. I know it's not ideal, but it's what worked for our family for the last 3 years. If it's the latter, respectfully request that you have control of the bank account for bill-paying, have him deposit his paychecks (preferably by direct deposit) into that, and then give him a set amount of money out of that for his own spendthrifting. That way you have him on a budget, and if he blows the money on comic books and microbrews like mine does, at least you budgeted for it and know that the money is not available for groceries or electric bills. This is a tough one to negotiate, but hopefully you can lay out the financial picture for him, spin it very positively, and get him to accept having an "allowance" from his paycheck, rather than him giving you scraps to use for bills and mortgage payments.

I told DH that if he wanted to have a happy house, I needed to be the one responsible for paying all the bills. The downside of this is that he doesn't really know anything about our finances unless I tell him, so I think he often thinks we have more money than we do (and his idea of enough in the bank is different than mine - like, he will be cool with having $5 in his bank account, while I get nervous if my account dips under $500).

If you know you want to stay at home, you can think about work from home businesses - do in-home daycare for one or two kids once Jude is a little older, grow lots of basil and sell pesto at the farmers market, train as a postpartum doula who can work in the evening when the BF can take care of the kids, become a web developer or book-keeper.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

Hey, there are some perks to hospital birth!
-No need to gather supplies yourself & have food stocked for everyone
-No need to worry about the mess (I know the MWs clean up at an HB, but I read one story of blood splattered on a wall from cutting the umbilical cord )
-You can have nurses change meconium diapers if you want
-Food & drinks brought to you (Yeah, food isn't so good, true)
-The biggest hospital perk, IMO: They take care of the birth cert & social security! I literally did nothing - they took care of it all for me! Whereas HB mamas in Maryland have to deal with the dept of health & one even was told they'd need to do an internal exam to confirm she'd given birth! She asked when to bring her lawyer with her to inform them they had no right to demand that & they backed off, but still, it's generally a hassle.
-My hospital also had a masseuse come around for a free massage the next day. That was quite nice!

Well other than the massage, I had all of this at home: no mess, help with the baby. Heck, I had 2 midwives help me get my first shower right after and help me get dressed and bring me food. MW took care of all of the birth cert paper work and social security was no big deal. And that's in a state where homebirth isn't legal.....

I do agree that it really does depend on whether you should persue the homebirth.

Why do YOU want to have one? And be specific!

[rhiOrion]

I agree with the it depends on your hospital idea.

I gave birth at a hospital and had a great experience. It wasn't drug-free, because I was being induced for Cholestasis. But, they were generally very supportive of whatever I wanted. Other than the whole liquid only thing...but I think that was mostly because I was being induced.

[rparker]

I agree that it depends on the hospital you'd be delivering at as well as which HCPs would be able to attend you there and your comfort level with them.

I think it also depends on the dynamics of your relationship with both your mother and your BF. If there is a significant chance that your BF's actions might create a situation where you can't pay your mother back (or can't pay her back in the timeframe that she stipulates) you might be in a really stressful position a few months postpartum (a period that can be pretty stressful anyway).

I'd probably look into paying a midwife with a loan/credit card in my own name before letting my mother do it, but we don't have the best relationship and I'm a control freak. You might also want to look into seeing if medicaid will pay ANY of a midwife attended birth in your state (they do in some states, in some cases, i.e. CA). Itemizing medical expenses on your tax return might be another option that could alleviate some of the financial strain. (IIRC itemized deductions for medical expenses need to be 20% of your yearly income for this to be a reasonable course.)

It's possible to have an ok birth experience in a hospital and probably a slightly better one with a doula. It's highly unlikely that even the best hospital birth is going to be a really awesome experience though. I think that the most important thing for your own emotional health and wellbeing is to begin accepting the conditions surrounding the birth you're most likely to have so that you can approach birth in a good frame of mind. So far that's been the hardest step for me (personally) since I'm also expecting my second (and last) baby and don't have a home birth option I feel comfortable with.

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice!

My biggest worry is not being able to pay my mom back. I'm going to talk with the HB midwife again just in case there is something we can work out... I don't know what but I'm going to see.

I think all of it just comes down to I need help coming to terms with having another hospital birth. I honestly had a good experience for a hopital birth. Its not like I had a tramatic birth or anything like that. I wanted a homebirth the first time, but again couldn't afford it and since it was my first birth and I had no clue how I would handle it going to the hospital didn't bother me... Well not until I was there at least. I was able to have an unmedicated birth the first time and labored in a tub, Lucy stayed with me 100% of the time, and so it wasn't all bad.

With my second child I always invisioned a homebirth. I've read countless wonderful birth stories and the ones I love the most have always been at home. Hospital births (even the good ones) sound like horror stories to me. Its just not what I wanted this time around. I feel like a failure for ending up with another hospital birth and embarrassed because I've been saying for so long that I am not going to the hospital. Now I'm embarrassed that I'm making the choice to. Sounds stupid, but its just how I feel.

Anyways thanks again for all the kind words and advice. I'm going to make the most of it and you never know maybe I'll just have Jude in the car on the way there.