Feeling like a mediocre mama...

[MayasMama88]

If anyone can help, I would be so grateful..

I've been having a rough time lately due to some stress at home, and I'm starting to feel like a bad mom. I always dreamed that I would be the BFing, CDing, CSing, all organic awesome mom who was always doing things with my kid(s) and never having any time to sit and zombie-out to TV or video games. Well, I've accomplished most of the above beautifully.. except for that last part. Circumstances here at the homestead have place me in almost complete charge of our DD. Make no mistake, my DH loves her to death and he does help out somewhat, but I have to wake up with her, diaper her, BF her (obviously he can't do that, lol), feed her, make her baby food, STORE her baby food, put her down for naps, put her to bed, give her a bath, etc. I'm TIRED!! And she's teething right now so her sleep has been unrestful at times. She'll wake up at 6am and won't go back to bed for anything. So then I have to get up (obviously) and wouldn't you know it, an hour later she's tired and goes back to bed, but I can't because I'm already awake!! I feel worn down, and this is the horrible part because lately I haven't had much imagination.. I don't know what to do with her! Sometimes I sit on the floor in the living room and just watch her play with her toys by herself and I want so badly to come up with something really fun to do, but nothing happens. She's 9 mos old, and I wanted to be the mom who didn't let her baby LOOK at TV until she was at least 2 years old, but what do I do? I turn on PBS in the morning so there's some sort of "entertainment" while I try to wake up and not be a zombie. I hate it. I feel like I'm failing her because I'm not interacting on a fun level.. on an education level, even.. the way I always wanted to. We are together almost 24/7, so please don't get the wrong idea and think I'm neglecting her or anything. I love her like nothing else in this world, I just feel lazy and run-down and.. blank. Can anyone please tell me, has this happened to you? What can I do to change things? What sorts of things would you recommend I do with her so we are bonding even more? Thank you so much in advance. I hope I haven't come across as a basketcase.. I'm honestly not like this normally.. It's just the past couple of months.

[Learning_Mum]

It honestly just sounds like you need some time to yourself.

Really at 9mo they don't need alot except cuddles and love. I'm a firm believer in that if your kids are happy playing by themselves then let them be. They'll let you know when they want / need attention. It's a good skill for them to be able to play by themselves and one you will appreciate when she gets older!

If it possible for you to cut back somewhere, like buying babyfood for a while rather than making it, or just giving her some of whatever you're eating?

You don't say why you don't have alot of help from DH?

[mamazee]

I agree that I'd find somewhere to cut corners, time wise, whether it's buying baby food or just mushing up what you're eating or something. I never bought or made baby food. Too much work. My kids just ate a bit of what I was eating, only mushed with a fork. Take stuff out before it's mixed together or seasoned, and just mush it up. I would take out all but the baby's veggies and let them cook a bit longer till they were mushy enough for her.

Also, I never gave an in-arms baby a bath every day. They don't get that dirty at that age. I just washed them when they were really dirty, which was maybe once or twice a week.

And I also agree that you don't need to entertain or educate an in-arms baby. Just wear her in a sling and go about your day.

I think sometimes in our desire to be perfect, we make things harder for ourselves than they have to be. I know I've done it too. But don't worry about being perfect. It's unattainable, and you'll drive yourself crazy and something will slide somewhere else. Decide what are the really most important things, and relax on things that aren't so important.

Cut yourself some slack.

[katelove]

Does she need the TV to be settled while you're doing something else? If not then I would say that she is getting planty of stimulation by playing with her toys and having the TV on as background noise will inhibit that.

If she does need the TV as a distraction to give you a chance to come around/have breakfast etc then I say you do what you have to do.

I know it's easy to say but, don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing a great job in difficult circumstances

[mrspineau]

Sounds to me like typical stay at home mom life! My husband does help out a lot, more than the average guy I would even say, but owns a company and has to work which means that I am the one who does most of the child care. It will get easier. 9 m is such a tough time when they don't sleep restfully. There was a time when DH and I thought our son would never sleep through the night. But eventually they do, it just takes time sometimes. As far as TV goes, personally I don't have any issues with TV, so long as the show is child friendly/educational. When my son watches TV, I often watch with him and talk about the show as we are watching, ask him questions about it, etc and I honestly think that it has been a great learning tool in a lot of ways. It doesn't have to be a zombie type activity, a lot of the shows for kids have songs to learn and sing along with, or dances or actions to learn, new words, counting, life lessons, etc etc. So, don't beat yourself up over it. If you really are opposed to it though, what about some nice music to play in the backround instead? It sounds to me like you are doing a great job

[MayasMama88]

You guys are wonderful, thank you so much for responding! You've all made me feel a little better. I guess maybe I have just been striving to be the "perfect" mama, and really.. what the heck is a "perfect" mama anyhow?? To answer a few questions: DH does help out some, but he has been out of work since October of last year due to an injury (work-related). He'd been on pain pills that whole time, and is now trying to recover from a mild addiction to them. He quit cold turkey about a week ago. He's had to undergo three spinal injections, two back surgeries, and is just now getting back to his old self. It was a lot harder before his surgeries because he couldn't lift her at all (she's 21 lbs), but slowly he's able to do more with her. And he WANTS to do more with her. He keeps saying how he can't wait to be able to put her in our infant carrier or the sling and just carry her around next to him. It'll happen soon.
And really, I make a big batch of baby food about once a month and it only takes an hour or so and then I have food for approx. two months. We are on WIC, so we get a TON of commercial babyfood so I keep that as backup in case I'm feeling lazy.
I also don't bother giving her a bath everyday unless she really needs it (she does like playing in her food now). I figure, if I don't need a shower everyday, then she certainly doesn't, lol!
I think when all the little things build up all together it feels a lot more distressing than it actually is in hindsight. I do feel a lot better though getting to talk to other mamas who've been there and understand. Thank you!!!

[jammomma]

First, You need a break and some time for yourself. I realize that is easier said than done, but it is something to strive towards. Recently my DH will take my DS to the mall for a stroll in the evenings (since it is blazing hot and very polluted where we live, walks outside in the Ergo are not doable, like they were in the winter) and that has helped me a lot! Even just an hour or so to myself is enough to recharge my battery a bit. And of course during my son's nap time, is my online time, which also helps me.

As far as the TV thing goes, I also don't want my son exposed to TV for the next couple of years and as someone who used to love having the TV on all day, this was a challenge at first.

For us, it helped that we canceled the cable and moved the TV into a spare bedroom, and we only watch in the evening and we typically only watch netflix movies or TV shows we have downloaded.

[MayasMama88]

Originally Posted by jammomma

First, You need a break and some time for yourself. I realize that is easier said than done, but it is something to strive towards. Recently my DH will take my DS to the mall for a stroll in the evenings (since it is blazing hot and very polluted where we live, walks outside in the Ergo are not doable, like they were in the winter) and that has helped me a lot! Even just an hour or so to myself is enough to recharge my battery a bit. And of course during my son's nap time, is my online time, which also helps me.

As far as the TV thing goes, I also don't want my son exposed to TV for the next couple of years and as someone who used to love having the TV on all day, this was a challenge at first.

For us, it helped that we canceled the cable and moved the TV into a spare bedroom, and we only watch in the evening and we typically only watch netflix movies or TV shows we have downloaded.

That's a great idea about the TV. This morning I spent part of the time with the TV off, and the radio on. DD didn't seem to notice at all thank GOD! She loves music and it was a lot cuter to see her bouncing her little booty on the floor to the beat of the music than staring at the tube.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by MayasMama88

this is the horrible part because lately I haven't had much imagination.. I don't know what to do with her! Sometimes I sit on the floor in the living room and just watch her play with her toys by herself and I want so badly to come up with something really fun to do, but nothing happens. She's 9 mos old,

I felt the same way at that stage, and with hindsight, I find it kinda funny. She's a baby, and she really doesn't need you do to anything more amazing than feed her and cuddy her and enjoy her being her little baby self. There will be plenty of time for other things later.

I feel like I'm failing her because I'm not interacting on a fun level.. on an education level, even.. the way I always wanted to. We are together almost 24/7, so please don't get the wrong idea and think I'm neglecting her or anything.

Have you read the Continuum Concept? It stresses the idea of going about our work and letting our kids just sort of be there. Not being so centered on them while staying totally available to them, but focusing on what we need to do.

Reading it couldn't hurt, and it might help. I find it very freeing.

, I just feel lazy and run-down and.. blank. Can anyone please tell me, has this happened to you? What can I do to change things?

If been there, and my biggest advice is to let her get older! This all gets so much easier when you get enough sleep and they learn to do a few things for themselves (like walk and go pee all alone!) In the mean time, you really are a good mom *just* by taking care of her.

What sorts of things would you recommend I do with her so we are bonding even more?

recognize how much you are bonding with her while you do all the things you are already doing just to take care of her.

[amberskyfire]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

I'm a firm believer in that if your kids are happy playing by themselves then let them be. They'll let you know when they want / need attention.

I agree with this. Babies that are happy playing by themselves are doing great and they are learning. They are learn-it-themselves-at-their-own-pace babies. This is a great time for you to hop on the computer or read a book or magazine or just sit and stare at the wall. You can even watch a TV show on your computer with just one earphone in your ear so you can listen to your baby, but baby can't hear your show. Any time baby is happy by him/herself it's a great opportunity for them to explore the world on their own.

I would have given almost anything for a baby like that. My daughter was born ULTRA high-needs and never let me put her down for anything. Even now at 2 1/2, she still won't be by herself for more than half a minute. She has almost never played on her own. I have to be interacting with her every single second of the day or she totally loses it. It's so draining. I hope my next baby won't be so difficult.

[MayasMama88]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Have you read the Continuum Concept? It stresses the idea of going about our work and letting our kids just sort of be there. Not being so centered on them while staying totally available to them, but focusing on what we need to do.

Reading it couldn't hurt, and it might help. I find it very freeing.

Actually, I have read this book, and I love it! I think about that book a lot when I get to worrying if I'm doing enough with my daughter. I do understand, however, that trying to raise a child exactly like the tribe in Jean's book probably won't work in today's American society. We've strayed so far from that type of lifestyle that many Americans have lost touch with what truly "Natural" parenting is. I do a lot of things the way that tribe did, though, and it does make me feel like I'm more connected to my daughter, and that she has a lot more trust in me than some other parent's children seem to have in them. Maybe I should re-read it just to gain a little more confidence.

[cappuccinosmom]

Um...I must get the Evil Mom award, 'cause my kids watch TV and at 9 months old I don't do much "educational play" at all. I tote them around and cuddle them and talk to them and tickle them, but I am not "Miss Preschool Teacher" to them. They seem to learn just fine though.

I too used to think I was never going to sully my children's eyes with any sort of screen. Now I thank God for Sesame Street.

[mom2keira]

You've gotten some wonderful advice here. My bit

1. Be kind to yourself mama! Really!
2. Go back and read your post and think of what YOU would say to one of us had we written it.
3. You're doing sooooo much more than you realize! Staying at home is HARD, as time goes on it gets easier in some ways and harder in others.


You are already a perfect mommy in your DDs eyes and that is ALL that matters!

[Pookietooth]

Have you tried blackout shades or heavy curtains in the bedroom where your dd sleeps? I know a lot of babies and kids naturally wake up around 6, but I think part of that is the light. When dd wakes up then it's when the blackout curtains on our bedroom window aren't closed all the way.
I just feed dd what I'm eating. Saves time and she loves it.

[MayasMama88]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Um...I must get the Evil Mom award, 'cause my kids watch TV and at 9 months old I don't do much "educational play" at all. I tote them around and cuddle them and talk to them and tickle them, but I am not "Miss Preschool Teacher" to them. They seem to learn just fine though.

I too used to think I was never going to sully my children's eyes with any sort of screen. Now I thank God for Sesame Street.

Lol, you're definitely not an "Evil Mom." I hope nobody thought I was saying that letting your child watch some TV was "bad." I mentioned that because in one of my WIC pamphlets it says "NEVER let your child watch television before the age of two." ???? I have come to terms with the fact that letting your baby watch The Sopranos is probably not a good idea, but allowing them to watch Sesame Street or some other PBS program is not a horrible thing. And you're right, my DD seems to be learning very well, despite her occasional TV time in the mornings, haha!

[MayasMama88]

Originally Posted by Pookietooth

Have you tried blackout shades or heavy curtains in the bedroom where your dd sleeps? I know a lot of babies and kids naturally wake up around 6, but I think part of that is the light. When dd wakes up then it's when the blackout curtains on our bedroom window aren't closed all the way.
I just feed dd what I'm eating. Saves time and she loves it.

We dont' have any heavy curtains, but I did pin a big sheet of dark fabric up over our window shade, which has helped block more (but not all) light. I think sometimes she just feels like she's had enough sleep and wants to get up and play, because at times she'll wake up at 4am when it's still dark out and crawl around making noise and trying to look out the window, lol. I find that if I just keep laying her back down (we co-sleep) she'll eventually go back to sleep.

[EzzysMom]

I would also suggest if you're feeling so drained to make sure you're getting enough iron if that might be an issue. Often times cycles come back at that age and you need to be sure you're getting enough nutrition!

[MayasMama88]

Originally Posted by EzzysMom

I would also suggest if you're feeling so drained to make sure you're getting enough iron if that might be an issue. Often times cycles come back at that age and you need to be sure you're getting enough nutrition!

You know, I still haven't gotten a period yet. My DD is almost 10 months old now, and I keep wondering if it's EVER gonna come back, lol! I hear it's possible to not have a period until you're completely done BFing. I don't think it's iron, because every time I get a blood test done my iron levels are fine. But it couldn't hurt to go get another one, I suppose.

[EzzysMom]

I went 11.5 months before mine came back, I had a frequent night nurser too. I've heard of others going longer, but I didn't know anyone in person like that as they all quit nursing sooner.

[MayasMama88]

Originally Posted by EzzysMom

I went 11.5 months before mine came back, I had a frequent night nurser too. I've heard of others going longer, but I didn't know anyone in person like that as they all quit nursing sooner.

So did you stop nursing at 11.5 months and that's why it came back? Or did it just come back while you were still nursing?