new mom, sleep,bikes and marriage?

[natiebugmama]

My daughter, Natalie sleeps through the night now. She is 5 months old, and getting more brilliant every day. Peole I've talked to have mixed oppinions about everything I ask, mostly split down the middle. I've read too many parenting/baby books to count and they too contradict each-other.
My baby knows that she gets fed her cereal, nursed, burped,changed and some nights, read to. Than, when I turn on her "Heartbeat Music Therapy" CD, it's bedtime. I always make sure she shows signs of tiredness. Some nights she's already out when I lay her down, some days she isn't.
On the nights Natalie fusses, I sit nearby and I listen. OF course, if she is screaming, I go to her aide, fearing a foot caught in the slats or something. As long as it's just a whining-type cry, I let her be, and she usaly drifts off in 4-7 minutes. In everyones' oppinion, is this "cry it out?" Because now I'm not sure. I don't think it's harsh or cruel.

I've been married 3 years, and we are both under 25. He's military. We planned for Natiebug. We discussed everything beforehand. Now I see him feeding her with a spoon and I find myself in fear because I know he doesn't know what he's doing. He gave her a bite so big that 3/4 of it ended up back on the spoon....with food she really likes! He says he's going to put her to bed, but he's engaging her in peek-a-boo and making her laugh. He likes the look on her face when he blows on her, but it makes her inhale, and I worry she'll hyperventilate. I have no patience for him anymore, and my question on the subject is HOW DO YOU STAY MARRIED IF YOU FEEL UNHAPPY, DURING BABY'S FIRST YEAR?

Lastly, Natie can hold her head up quite well, and we have the child-behind-rider kid bike seat. I couldn't seem to find anything on the box suggesting she was too young. I tested the thing first, with a bag of catfood, and than went for a test drive with her. THe straps fit her fine and she doesn't slump down. But the problem is, they don't make infant helmets, do they? Any insight???? a way for the whole family to go for a bike ride?

Thanks

[dosergirl]

You have to let him develop his own routines and relationship with her. He is not going to do everything like you do and that is ok! I went through some of the same feelings with our daughter and then i let it go, and you know what, everything was fine. nothing you mentioned is endangering your daughter, just different routines and things dh does. he will learn. he will figure out that too big bites won't work. he will either figure out that playtime makes bedtime harder or he will deal with the fact that she doesn't want to sleep. I know it is really hard, it was for me too, but you have to let go a little and let them bond in their own way. It will happen. I'm sure he is a great daddy and first time moms tend to be overprotective and worrysome. If you let it go, you will be surprised by dh and how much happier you are!

As for the bike, babes should not be on a bike until they are at least 1 year. They make helmets for toddlers which they must wear. Even just being able to hold her head up isn't enough, she has to have a strong enough neck to hold her head and the added weight of the helmet, which is at 1 year. that is why the helmets start at that age.

hope this helped!

Kim
http://www.thegirlisamom.com

[Birdie B.]

I agree with everything dosergirl said. She is right, you have to let go a little bit - he is her father and he only wants what is best for too. It will great to see their relationship grow and develop throughout their life. It's a beautiful thing!

And please don't take her on a bike yet. She is much too little- wait until she's at least 1 year!

[Heidi74]

I also agree with the previous posters.

Just wanted to add that if you do want to go bike riding with the family in her first year (and are willing to spend some money), they do sell bike trailers where you can buy special infant seat attachments, so that the infant reclines. It's really kind of like pulling a wide stroller/carriage behind the bicycle. (Some types actually have attachments that also can turn them into strollers. You see them a lot in Europe.)Those cost quite a lot, though, and depending on the terrain where you live you may or may not be able to use one. We actually considered getting one at one point, but decided against it. Not sure what you'd do about a helmet for a baby in a bike trailer...a toddler helmet would be too big.

I've read that children under one should never ride in a bike seat, though.

[WCM]

Just to elaborate/clarify on the other replies, before 1 year their necks are not strong enough to support the weight of their lovely large heads when on a bike. Going over bumps, turning, it's just too much for them. After a year, the ride-behind scene you have will be great, and until then, it's long walks together.

Sounds like your hubby is enjoying his little girl, finding his own ways of making her laugh, how he can soothe her. You'll both have very different ways of being with her, and she'll enjoy both. Sometimes she'll want only you, other times only him. She's so lucky to have such wondeful, caring parents, who both love her so much. just like you, your hubby is learning about her and parenting everyday. It's an endless learning curve.

[Okapi]

I agree with the others with one caveat - the going to bed thing. If he is getting her riled up before bed to the point where she isn't sleeping then *you* have to get her to sleep, then you should say something (even if it's "you got her riled up, you deal with it"), but if he's just making more work for himself, and your LO is making up any lost sleep elsewhere, I would let it go.

The first year can be really hard on parents. It was hard on DH & I. I sometimes had to remind myself that I really did love him, and I'm sure he occasionally had to do the same! Between the sleep deprivation, dealing with this new little person, not having the time to reconnect that you are used to, it is very difficult. I'm sure the fact that he is military adds it's own stresses to the situation.

Short term, if things DH is doing stress you out/cause you to feel differently about him, can you just not be there to witness it? As PP have said, nothing you have mentioned so far seem actually dangerous to your DD (and let me interject how much I love your "Natiebug" nickname. So cute!), so maybe that will help you reduce the feeling of having to protect her from him, which will help you feel more positive generally about him. And maybe you could use that time to get out by yourself (a walk if it's a short time, or maybe coffee/bookshop if he's handling bedtime). That can make a huge difference. Heck, we had a beach chair on our porch, just being able to sit out there without someone else hanging on me was a nice break for me sometimes! Are you having time together after your DD is asleep? Even if you don't want to leave her with someone so you can go out together, you can plan a late dinner or something. Mostly, the main thing that helped was time. We slowly adjusted to our new roles/family structure, and our relationship followed.

Good luck!

[whoami]

When I was pregnant with our first I read somewhere that it was important to praise the dad a lot during the first year - so I did. I think a lot of guys are nervous about parenting stuff and rely on the women to gently help them through it. Neither of us had changed diapers, or dealt with babies before so I always felt we were on equal ground. Of course I felt I was better at everything, and still do, especially since I do all the reading, but in those early years I really tried to make him feel good when it came to taking care of our son. Even now, I try to make an effort to praise, encourage him or tell him things I learn, even though he does a lot of things that irk me.

When our son was a baby he was a horrible diaper changer but I let it slide and just fixed it when he was gone. Of course it got old though so I got all excited and showed him a "trick" I learned that solved all our blow outs. I didn't have to confront him and the problem was solved. Guys are like toddlers in a way. As for feeding, mine fed our baby huge bites too and it bothered me because I was afraid he'd choke, he didn't, but he sure porked up fast!

Life, marriage and parenting is hard and you won't always be happy but you just try your best. Try being vulnerable and talk to your husband about some of these things too. Let him know your insecurities and worries about the babies and ask for his advice. And as for the bike, I agree with waiting until at least a year. We're a biking family so we were anxious to get our son out with us and started him in a bike trailer on his 1st birthday, and it was kind of iffy so I might even wait a little longer with this next one.

Enjoy the ride!

[Linda on the move]

I read somewhere that in couples that last into old age, the first year after the birth of their first child is usually the hardest year of their marriage. It's really quit normal that your relationship is re-adjusting, and sadly that re-adjustment is uncomfortable.

Daddies can do things totally different than mommies, and that's OK. Over the years, my kids figured out that if they were bored and wanted to be taken out for ice-cream, daddy is the parent to ask. On the other hand, if they are bored and want to be taken to the library to get new books, they ask mom because they know I'll drop everything for books. It's all good. Kids get two parents for a reason -- we tend to balance each other out.

[amberskyfire]

I agree with what the previous ladies have said, but I also wanted to add something that might help you.

I noticed that my husband did some things with our baby that also freaked me out. I didn't want to get upset with him about it because it wasn't good for anybody, but at the same time, I didn't think I could handle him doing it. For example, he doesn't really believe in car seat safety which FREAKS ME OUT! He's a good dad, but he doesn't think it's important to make sure the buckles are snapped tight or if the straps are set too high or low or even if the straps are tight enough. He leaves them loose. He just won't listen to me on that.

What helped me was to do the jobs I didn't like him doing myself and give him the jobs that he did a good job on and give him lots of praise for it. For example, if you don't want your husband spoon-feeding baby, just do it yourself, but make sure he does extra playtime with her or if he's particularly good at giving her baths, always ask him to do that instead and always comment on how she's so much better for him at bathtime than she is for you because he just does such a good job. You can take over the jobs you feel more comfortable doing if you make sure he doesn't feel like he's having something taken away and is missing out. It might help somewhat. It helped us tremendously.

[hikingmommy]

I don't consider that "crying it out". Crying it out is leaving the child and letting him/her cry himself to sleep, however long it takes. Some babies just need to put themselves to sleep. We held DD while she slept until she was about 6 months old. Then she gradually slept worse and worse with us until she couldn't fall asleep with us in the room with her. That lasted until she was about 3 years old. There were nights when we spent 3 hours trying to get her to sleep. We finally put her in the Pack and Play, hysterical, and she fell asleep in 10 minutes. I suppose there are some people who would condemn us for leaving her to cry those 10 minutes, but I think it's a lot better than crying in our arms for 3 hours!

The best thing I did was to stop reading all those baby books. They all say something different, and they'll all tell you that what you're doing is wrong!

[MamaPhD]

After we had DD, DH and I fought way more than we ever had during our 5 years of dating plus 5 years of marriage before DD (really, everything was totally great between us in those 10 years!). First few months were really hard in many ways because we were both tired as hell (and thus jumpy/moody) and overall nervous/unsure about how best to take care of DD. After like 3 months, we had a kind of a showdown where we just talked about EVERYTHING that we were doing that bothered each other for like 2 hours. And somehow, that was it, we got over it. I think somehow having that release really helped us and make us realize we didn't really hate each other or anything like that. And now it's funny looking back, like, can you believe that I nagged you about how you wiped DD's butt too many times (and you thought I didn't wipe it enough)???? Geezz!!!

So I guess what I'm saying is that it is a difficult transition to bring a baby into a relationship, however much you want & planned for the baby. And if you are willing to admit to that and cut yourself some slack for not being perfect to yourself & each other, it will pass. You all will be fine!

I gotta agree with PP about reading books. Really, you can find a book that says anything, so the more books you read, the more different (and opposite) advice you will see. Browse for quick references but really go with your guts. You're a mom and your guts are always just right for you!

[journeymom]

About parenting: people's differing opinions are interesting but in the end it only matters what your dh's and your opinion is.

The parenting books can be interesting too, but eventually they can be emotionally exhausting. I'd say put the books down for a while and just enjoy your baby. You're parenting her just right.

Also, dads are exciting. That's the great thing about them. They throw toddlers in the air and scare the bejeezus out of mom. They push their kids to do scary, exciting things. I predict that eventually your dh is going to want to watch some movie that you think is too intense for your dd. Don't nix it immediately, though.

Originally Posted by natiebugmama

HOW DO YOU STAY MARRIED IF YOU FEEL UNHAPPY, DURING BABY'S FIRST YEAR?

You knew it wouldn't be easy all the time, right? You simply are not going to be happy or satisfied with what your dh does each and every time. This is it, you are experiencing one of the marital bumps in the road that everyone experiences. That's what the 'marriage' is for, it's a crutch to lean on when you are inevitably unhappy or disappointed. Your dh is only human and he's going to disappoint you, he's going to legitimately parent different from you, he's going to mess up -just like you are, so seriously, cut him slack!

The commitment to be married 'for better or worse' you might have made is exactly for this situation. Yes, you are unhappy right now. So? You're married. It takes more than this to break up a marriage.

Please know from the vast collected experience of the mammas here, it's going to get better. Have faith.

[WCM]

OP, I forgot to say in my first post, mthe first year after our first child was born was the hardest. We didn't fight, I just sat and seethed at him. There I was with sore, bleeding nipples, I was fat, sweaty and hormonal, I couldn't sleep, I lived on chips and gummi bears (because they stayed 'fresh' all day) and he *just* went off to work. I felt so overwhelmed and SO into my baby, that I'd push him out of the way if I heard babe upset in another room, while DH moved too slow for my liking.

We'd been together 6 years before our child was born, and I was ready to divorce him more than once in that first year. It's just plain hard, like the worst culture shock, and you cannot prepare for it.

10 years later, and two more kids, it's a dance we manage really well.

A side effect of parenting that I never knew about was that it brings up so much stuff, between you two, and just for yourself, that you never knew existed. And you've got to deal with it. It sounds like you two both love your dd very much, and that's the best place to start from.