So Upset - I Don't Know What to Do - Page 2

[*~megan~*]

No birth trauma per se, but early trauma, yes. We had a physician attended homebirth. I had a 36 hour labor with 2 hours pushing, but she was born w/o interventions. She was checked frequently during labor for signs of distress but never showed any.

At four days old (one day after we were discharged from pp care), she was hospitalized via the ER for jaundice. Words cannot describe what an awful experience that was. Spinal tap, unsuccessfully and repeatedly trying to straight cath a dehydrated baby, ER personnel repeatedly and unsuccessfully trying to insert an IV. Later on in our stay there were many blood draws where the techs just could not get the blood from her heel. On at least 2 occasions it took them 45 minutes. All the while my baby was screaming and there was nothing I could do. We stayed in the hospital for 4 days. With the help of a wonderful LC, we were able to nurse through the ordeal without any formula. I have often wondered if this very traumatic time had anything to do with her more difficult personality traits. I brought up my concerns about how it might affect her with our doctor shortly after we were released and he assured us that she would not remember anything. Everyone tried to convince me better to have it happen as a newborn than an older child. Are there any resources for recovering from that sort of experience as opposed to birth trauma?

In any event, I appreciate all the recommendations and suggestions. I have located a copy of Sleepless in America and hope to be able to pick it up tomorrow. In general, I like Kurcinka's approach to spiritedness and am eager to see the full contents of this book. I think that structuring our day differently might help in a number of areas.

I also think that completely changing the bedtime routine could help as well. Should DH eventually take over putting her to sleep, I need to find a way to absent myself from the process without making DD feel that I have abandoned her.

I am also re-reading Gordon's nightweaning plan. At some point in the near future we will probably need to go this route, but I think I'd like to evaluate the other two options first and see if we can implement them with good results.

[LauraN]

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[VisionaryMom]

I just wanted to add in that you need to consider the actual birth as well. We have friends with a dd much like yours sounds - though not as intense! They've recently had some major upheaval and have needed friends to care for her. Though we see them 3-4 times per week, she cries the *entire* time she is here. There are only 2 friends left (1 besides us) who will help them out by watching her. Seriously, she cried for 6 hours straight at our house, and DH & I did everything we could think of to soothe her. It's a horrible situation all around, and though I love her mom dearly, I think they enable it by catering to every whim all the time.

Should you need to be in the hospital or have some other problem during birth, some poor person will have to spend days with your screaming preschooler. If your dh is like my friend's, he will end up hurt and a bit resentful that he's the dad and can't even be trusted by his child to watch her while mom naps for an hour. You said that you had trouble when she was little. I had severe PPD with both kids, but it was worse with my second, which is typical. Preparing for another rough post-partum period is best, and nighttime issues are where I'd head first. (Plus, if the baby is like her, then you won't be able to satisfy both of them all the time.)

[LauraN]

Given the tone of the comments here I want to reassure you that nothing in your parenting philosophy can change your child's personality. I am influenced by many of the same books as you, and I have three very different children. My youngest is very much like your child. I also have never nightweaned and have one child who is cavity prone and two who have none. You are so fortunate to have your mom nearby and willing to help you so much! I did the screaming-baby-in-the-swing showers, and it wasn't fun for anyone.

The first thing I suggest you try is feeding her some good, fatty/protein foods right before bed. We did whole milk yogurt, but you said you're dairy free so maybe avocado and chicken or something. If she's not getting enough milk to fill her belly, that will increase nightnursings. I found that when my second was born, the newborn fatty milk actually helped my oldest sleep longer. Second, trust that you'll work things out as you go along. I couldn't have anticipated most of the solutions I figured out once they were no longer theoretical. Some turned out not to be issues, and others were resolved by solutions that just appeared when I needed them.

Thirdly, when you have to get up to pee, try gently placing your pillow in the spot you were lying in. It smells like you and is warm from you lying on it. That often buys me just enough time to pee. Like I said-- my two oldest slept like logs and I was able to do other stuff during naptime. My youngest--no way. My relief has come now, at 34 mths when he's dropping his nap, so when he does nap he drops hard.

Most of all, try not to stress too much in advance. Things have a way of working themselves out and solutions come when you need them.
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