I recently said goodbye to my MIL, my SIL her husband and three kids after a two week visit where we rented a house together and spent pretty much every waking moment together.
When I last left my ILs I knew that they were shouters and that Gran was a shouter and a hitter. I knew that, but I guess I thought those sort of tactics might be left behind on holiday. I was very very wrong.
My child witnessed some pretty violent (IMO) attacks (screaming, shouting, arm grabbing, threats of more serious violence, and spanking) on the little people from the big people. He also was victim to what I feel is the result of this violence in the form of the littlest (6 months his junior) who is not only a screamer and a hitter, but a biter, a pincher, a scratcher, a hair puller, and spitter!
I wish I had prepared him better. But I didn't and now I want to try to debreif with him what we all saw and how it made him feel, and what to make of it all. But here's the catch...I don't want him to villify his gran or his auntie and uncle. They are not bad people, they just IMO make poor parenting choices. They're priorities are not in the same places as ours, and I don't want him to think I don't respect their right to have those priorities.
I have been talking a lot to dh, who thank heavens agrees 100% with my observations, including how A) he becomes more aggressive and violent with ds when he's around them, and B) how ds, who never EVER retaliates physically to his altercations with other children his age began to at the end of the holiday with his younger cousin and when asked why responded "But SHE hits and scratches me! What should I do?" (the tiny flaw in my "we don't hit you, so don't hit us theory" revealed, eh?)
My one regret was why I didn't engage my SIL in a discussion. Why didn't I say "So how come you changed your philosophy on spanking, when I met you 8 years ago you were so against it you cut your mom out of your life for two months over a spanking incident. Why is she now not only entitled, but has convinced you to do it too? How come you deal out empty threats left and right and rarely ever follow through even when they continue the behavior? What exactly is the thinking there?"
Maybe I just wanted to keep the peace. It was only two weeks and we likely won't see any of them again for the next two to four years, but I would have liked to understand, because the only answers I can come up with are not very flattering and make feel awfully holier-than-thou.
I digress...What do you do/say to your kids when you find yourself exposed to that sort of terrorizing and violence? How do you help them make sense of it? How do you help them learn without passing judgement on those people who are important loving adults in thir life?
Any advice? The next loosely planned visit will be us going to see them in about two years. I plan to rent an apartment on our own to mitigate the damage, but I also plan to prepare the LOs better next time. So wise GD gurus, WWYD?
When I last left my ILs I knew that they were shouters and that Gran was a shouter and a hitter. I knew that, but I guess I thought those sort of tactics might be left behind on holiday. I was very very wrong.
My child witnessed some pretty violent (IMO) attacks (screaming, shouting, arm grabbing, threats of more serious violence, and spanking) on the little people from the big people. He also was victim to what I feel is the result of this violence in the form of the littlest (6 months his junior) who is not only a screamer and a hitter, but a biter, a pincher, a scratcher, a hair puller, and spitter!
I wish I had prepared him better. But I didn't and now I want to try to debreif with him what we all saw and how it made him feel, and what to make of it all. But here's the catch...I don't want him to villify his gran or his auntie and uncle. They are not bad people, they just IMO make poor parenting choices. They're priorities are not in the same places as ours, and I don't want him to think I don't respect their right to have those priorities.
I have been talking a lot to dh, who thank heavens agrees 100% with my observations, including how A) he becomes more aggressive and violent with ds when he's around them, and B) how ds, who never EVER retaliates physically to his altercations with other children his age began to at the end of the holiday with his younger cousin and when asked why responded "But SHE hits and scratches me! What should I do?" (the tiny flaw in my "we don't hit you, so don't hit us theory" revealed, eh?)
My one regret was why I didn't engage my SIL in a discussion. Why didn't I say "So how come you changed your philosophy on spanking, when I met you 8 years ago you were so against it you cut your mom out of your life for two months over a spanking incident. Why is she now not only entitled, but has convinced you to do it too? How come you deal out empty threats left and right and rarely ever follow through even when they continue the behavior? What exactly is the thinking there?"
Maybe I just wanted to keep the peace. It was only two weeks and we likely won't see any of them again for the next two to four years, but I would have liked to understand, because the only answers I can come up with are not very flattering and make feel awfully holier-than-thou.
I digress...What do you do/say to your kids when you find yourself exposed to that sort of terrorizing and violence? How do you help them make sense of it? How do you help them learn without passing judgement on those people who are important loving adults in thir life?
Any advice? The next loosely planned visit will be us going to see them in about two years. I plan to rent an apartment on our own to mitigate the damage, but I also plan to prepare the LOs better next time. So wise GD gurus, WWYD?
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