Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie  It seems you think you believe you could have done better, but you've not been at home with three under five (which she was at one time... right? Eight years ago no spanking, her youngest is around four or five, so I'm thinking, eight, six, four? Is that not her children's spacing? Or did I misread something?).
I have two under four. Both are relatively stubborn children but seemingly within the range of normal compared to other kids, and according to DD1's teachers and the doctors.
I see that you have children spaced five years apart (a VERY good idea and choice which I'm sure was hard to implement, and for which I commend you).
But it is just not the same. The physical drain with all those little ones can push anyone over the edge, especially if you have someone saying, just do this and it will work, every day.
I thought you said she had two DDs and one son... is that right?
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No, she has three daughters. Four and half, Eight (almost nine, in three weeks) and just turned 13.they are all about 4 and half years apart, just like my two.
Niether of mine were planned. They just happened like that.
BTW, I need you to know that the phrase "choices" took as long to implement in my son as your oldest daughter is OLD. That's how long it took. Repetition, and consistency and so much patience and time I thought I was going to CRACK UP. So while it's true that spanking will make them cower faster provided all other circumstances are in line (ie, they are not particularly defiant children in the first place, they have a deep seated need to please, they are afraid of pain and violence -- some people enjoy pain and harsh contact remember -- and they have a fear of disappointing their guardians/losing their love) but it's not nearly as effective a pause.
The spanked child will be pasuing to say to his/her self: "I don't want to be hurt, or incur mommy/daddy's wrath." The other child will stop and think "Is this a choice I want to make?"
And ya know what? sometimes ds does go through with the choice I am warning him about. Perhaps he has weighed the odds in his head and feels the consequence is well worth the joy of doing what he wants. Maybe he feels it is an impulse he simply cannot brng himself to control, but either way the consequence is naturally associated, swift and carried out with as little anger as I can muster, even though I am obviously FUMING that he disrespected my advice, ignored my warning, or made me look like a fool in front of other people. I try to detach and remove my personal affrontment from the actions.
Do I think I could do better...okay, yeah. I do. But I also do not think it is more valuable for a child to have a Nintendo DS at the age of 6, an expensive digital camera at the age of 4, an Iphone at the age of 13, because "all their friends have them" than it is to have someone they can openly talk to, be silly with and play with. I don't. And I do think that spanking, shouting and screaming, and threatening wildly unrelated and violent consequences for arbitrarily deigned rules that serve only to exert authority is plain and simple lazy parenting. I think asking your kids to apologize for poor behavior and use polite requests for everyone while never using them yourself, not even amongst other adults let alone with and to your children, is just crazy. I do. I said it. I should have said it to her face, but I didn't.
Do I understand her good heart and her fears and where her choices come from? ABSOLUTELY. Do I get why she does what she does and more importantly allows her mother to do what
she does? Yes! But of course I think my way is better. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing what I do, I wouldn't be able to teach what I teach in my classrooms. I would be a total hypocrite if I didn't admit that I believe non-violent communication is ALWAYS better than violent communication, with out exception. (check my siggie...it's literally my job to teach peaceful, non-violent communication skills to teenagers)
